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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2019 14:44

This man is a cocklodger op. You cannot fix him if he does not want to be fixed, and by the sounds of it, he does not! So you are fighting a loosing battle.

Loopytiles · 15/02/2019 14:45

Your DP has behaved very badly, but you (and your sister) haven’t done your DD - or indeed his DS - any good in putting up with it. Prioritise and stand up for your DD by changing things: your DP is unlikely to change so LTB seems best.

CantStopMeNow · 15/02/2019 14:47

I wonder if there is something wrong with him

Either you are an incredibly naieve and ignorant 28 year old or your 'dp' has done a good job of getting inside your head and fucking it up.
How can you ask this or think this about a 13 year old child who has lost his own mother and who's father refuses to care for him?
You should be aiming this at your 'dp - what the fuck is wrong with him that he won't take responsibility for his own child, neglects his emotional needs and takes the piss out of the woman he claims to 'love'?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/02/2019 14:47

If I were you, I'd keep your SS and get rid of his dad.

He's a real wanker.

ChuckleBuckles · 15/02/2019 14:48

@ Salinovina Have you asked your sister what she thinks of your domestic situation? Not just about the Disney trip but everything you have written here, ask her to be truthful about it, what she thinks both positives and negatives about the way your partner behaves towards you and your daughter. I would bet good money that she has a lot of insight that is similar to posters here that this man puts himself first and is using guilt to get you to parent his son while refusing to treat your daughter as an equal sibling.

It seems like you want to bridge the inequality in this relationship and have a fully blended family, but with all the will in the world you will not be able to do this alone and your partner has no interest in doing this. It would not suit his needs for things to be equal.

Ratbagcatbag · 15/02/2019 14:49

Is your DD dad still on the scene, because your partners behaviour will get worse. A family member has lost her own daughter for very very similar behaviour. It was sad; but her daughter was a mess from her step dad.

notapizzaeater · 15/02/2019 14:51

He's really not being fair here. I feel sorry for both the children

BollocksToBrexit · 15/02/2019 14:53

We know he doesn't do any childcare, not even for his own son.

Does he do his share of the housework/chores?

Does he contribute to half the costs of running the household?

deadliftgirl · 15/02/2019 14:56

Hi OP,

how does your DP treat your DD when she is with you? I used to have a friend who's bf at the time would ignore her son when he was over. I really feel for you and these children.

I really think you need to ask your partner why he won't babysit. your daughter, she is a child so what has she done. Ask him why she wasn't invited to her step brothers birthday party? If he cannot overcome this and start integrating both families and children then it will only get worse.

They are children but imagine what will happen when they are adults with their own kids. I can just see it now that your daughter will not be invited to his sons wedding but he will kick off if his son was not invited to hers. If he is not willing to change then stop looking after his son, don't let him go with your sister at all anymore or to your parents. I know its a shame for the boy doing that so its a hard one really.

I really hope you resolve this and I would also like to know how long you have been together?

brownjumper · 15/02/2019 15:03

But why are you not saying to him, look after my dd when I am working and every weekend from now on!

Travis1 · 15/02/2019 15:03

Mans a bawbag. Get rid. You're letting your DD become second class in her own home. No way.

ineedtostopgooglingsymptoms · 15/02/2019 15:12

This isn't a partnership OP. Do you really want a lifetime of this?

He sees you as a replacement mother for his son and why would you want to be with someone who treats their kid so badly?

He doesn't sound like he has many redeeming features. Sure you can try counselling to fix the issues but he won't change. Although maybe moving this to the step parenting board will give you more posters with their experiences of this type of situation?

BrendasUmbrella · 15/02/2019 15:12

It's awful that this boy has no mother and an inadequate father but you can't sacrifice the happiness of you and your daughter to make a happy home for him.

If you're determined to stay with this manchild you need to put your foot down and tell him to grow up and start acting like a 40 year old, not like a 16 year old who is resentful of his responsibilities.

Original poster
Salinovina · 15/02/2019 15:15

@ChuckleBuckles

Yes I have and my sister dislike him... There's one thing he did that shocked her. Once her and my 2 nephews were staying with us for the night , and I was out running some errands. She told me he came downstairs , cooked for himself and went back to our room and didn't even greet her.

And when I said I think there is something wrong with my step son, I am not being cruel. But he really does talk like a little boy, and plays with my dd toys. I am happy to hug him and listen to him.

@Ratbagcatbag
No, her dad left me when I was 6 months pregnant and never seen him since

@deadliftgirl
He watches TV most of the time, so he doesn't really interact with her. He never stayed alone with her. Even if I am gone for an hour or two , I have to drop her to my parents or sister

I guess that's enough of red flags and that this relationship has no hope of working. Thank you everyone for the honest answers. Deluded me knows something has to be done.

OP posts:
Wild123 · 15/02/2019 15:17

He's clingy to you as you sound like the only person to show him any love at all. That is not the child fault its you DP's issue.

Shinesweetfreedom · 15/02/2019 15:17

Get the fuck shut now he saw you coming.
And the house is yours.
So what are you going to do when he tries to get money off you from the house when you tell him to go.Thats why I would be getting him out before it risks you having to sell the house because he wants a cut.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 15/02/2019 15:19

Aww, OP, I agree 100% you've been targeted by this man. He's not who you thought he was, he just saw you as a convenient house/mother/cleaner and in a way it's lucky you've realised this 8 months in.

Can I ask why you moved in together?

You hold all the cards and power in this relationship. Time to sit him down and tell him how disappointed you've been in his behaviour so far and to tell him your expectations of how things will be in the future, or he can leave. He doesn't get to tell you what to do - it's your house!

I hope to god he's paying his way, but something makes me think you're carrying him financially too. Please don't accept any old shit just to have a man in your life - you don't need one!

Soubriquet · 15/02/2019 15:20

It’s awful having to get rid of someone you thought you loved especially if you become attached to their children BUT you need to do what’s best for you and YOUR CHILD!!

She should know she isn’t second best.

ENormaSnob · 15/02/2019 15:20

Get rid asap.

ForOldLandsEye · 15/02/2019 15:20

What is the point of him? Seriously?

He brings nothing to the table bar you 'get along.'

He's living in your house, not doing any housework (or other household tasks or admin I suspect).

He contributes nothing to family life, instead leaving his son ignored in his bedroom and refusing to look after your daughter when you work.

At 40 it's not going to get any better either. This is how he is.

Good grief, I bet he can't beleive his luck and is looking forward to being looked after and carried by you into his (no doubt) early retirement in 10 years.

HollowTalk · 15/02/2019 15:20

I think you're right, OP. I really feel for his son, but can't see that staying with this man is the right thing for you.

Hanab · 15/02/2019 15:22

Erm OP .. re read your posts/repsonses .. read it as if you were reading someone elses issues ..
you are being taken advantaged off. No if’s but’s when’s what if’s!
He is CF and you need to either have ‘chat’ about the inequality, put your foot down amd demand he pull his weight or best ne rid off.
Besides using you he is using your family and that doesn’t sit well for me.

Ultimately it’s your decision to be a door mat or sugar mummy or stand up and show your kid no one os allowed to treat you like a convenience..
His kid though is innocent .. just aeems like his dad wants to pawn him off to anyone especially if he does not have to pay or return the favour..

Hanab · 15/02/2019 15:23

Yet again apologies for the spelling mistakes 🙈 this is becoming the norm!

Ginseng1 · 15/02/2019 15:27

So now you've got the opinions all unanimous. What are you going to do? You are not putting your daughter first living with someone like that. I wonder is this even for real it's so wrong.

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2019 15:32

If you chuck him out will he go back to his mum's? How is she with DSS?

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