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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
ThankYouNext19 · 15/02/2019 14:25

So you know what to do then, ask him to leave. You will never have the happy family you crave with this man so stop trying to force it!

As for your step son he is probably mentally scarred from his life with his useless dad, sounds like he really loves you which does make this harder but you have to put your own child first.

If he stays then you are putting him before your child.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2019 14:25

He just made me feel guilty telling me his son no longer has a mother

That is a low, low blow and absolutely disgusting to play on your emotions like that. It is neither your fault that she is not here (I assume dead?) nor your responsibility to replace her.

You need to decide what is best for you and your DD. To be his doormat for the rest of your life (what an example you're setting DD!) or to demand equality in the relationship and let the devil take the hindmost.

I'll add that I do feel sorry for his DS, but someone needs to force your POS DP to step up and be a real father. I suggest that person be you. His DS can only benefit from it.

Drum2018 · 15/02/2019 14:26

I have the chance of having a caring family
Not with that selfish git you don't.

Grace212 · 15/02/2019 14:26

he's a horrible person

there is no solution other than breaking up

why do you want to have your DD living in this situation - with a man who doesn't want to parent his own child? There is nothing wrong with the 13 year old, he is just looking for cuddles and love because his dad neglects him.

wake up!

EyeOfTheTigger · 15/02/2019 14:26

Well it's hardly surprising he won't look after your DD if he can't be arsed to look after his own son.

Think about the example you are setting your DD of how family dynamics work. And by putting up with this shit you're also helping set a poor example to your DSS too. Get some self respect OP. Either demand some changes or kick him out and find a decent bloke who is prepared to put equal effort into the relationship.

I'm constantly amazed what some MNers are prepared to put up with!

Taylia · 15/02/2019 14:27

Also his son is a bit clingy, always wanting to hug me , talk to me. It's hard to say but I think he talks more to me in one afternoon than to his dad in weeks. I wonder if there is something wrong with him.

There’s nothing wrong with him. He lost his mother when he was five and his dad ignores him. The poor child is desperate for some affection.

Your partner needs to step up

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2019 14:27

Just a question....what do you think your DP would do if your DS suddenly refused to have his son when she is watching your DD?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/02/2019 14:28

If you want the relationship to work, you need to tell him to start parenting his son and treating your daughter well. If he won't, he's on his own.
Anything less isn't acceptable.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 15/02/2019 14:28

He’s really done a number on you, hasn’t he?
This is literally the cock lodger play book.

Please untangle yourself from this selfish bastard before it does too much damaged to you and your daughter.
Whilst I feel for his son, he is not your responsibility and his father needs to actually step up and doing some parenting which he has obviously been doing his best to avoid for the kid’s entire life.

RiverTam · 15/02/2019 14:28

with the best will in the world, this poor grieving boy is ultimately not your concern. He has a father and grandparents of his own.

The whole thing sounds like the plot of an Edwardian novel. However, unlike in an Edwardian novel, you are not married to this piece of work and you can put yourself and your child first.

Do you know what? I bet if you offered to foster or even adopt this boy, his dad would let that happen. That is how little he cares about his son.

anniehm · 15/02/2019 14:29

Some sort of family counselling may work if you both want to make a go of things. There's obviously a guilt element because his son doesn't have a mother alive, but he doesn't see that it's him not wanting to reciprocate that's the issue eg one weekend he entertains the kids the following week your sister. I'm wondering if there's actually far deeper issues eg depression, has he never got over the death of his sons mother perhaps?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 15/02/2019 14:29

I wonder if there is something wrong with him

There’s nothing wrong with him. He lost his mother and his father wants nothing to do with him. That would be enough to fuxk anyone up.

TowelNumber42 · 15/02/2019 14:31

You are a mug.

You are in a shite relationship that will only get worse. Total fantasy on your part of what the relationship is.

Dump him quick. Offer to adopt the son if you want, recognising that that's what is happening anyway.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2019 14:32

Also his son is a bit clingy, always wanting to hug me , talk to me. It's hard to say but I think he talks more to me in one afternoon than to his dad in weeks. I wonder if there is something wrong with him

He's a lonely child. And there is something wrong with his father not him.

Jesus, do you really find this kind of behaviour attractive in a partner? He ignores your kid, now it turns out he ignores his own too.

Lovely.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2019 14:34

I bet if the boot was on the other foot, and his sister offered to take his son to Disney, he would not be expecting her to take your dd as well. His poor ds, has a piss poor excuse of a father, you have no chance of having a loving family with this man.

NunoGoncalves · 15/02/2019 14:36

This sounds like quite an easy thing to sort out via an open conversation with your partner. Your family are happy to have his DS sometimes, but in order for all to be equal and fair, his family should also invite your DD sometimes too.

The Disneyland thing is basically a party trip for the young girls and therefore DS is not invited.

Simple. If he disagrees, HIBU

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 15/02/2019 14:36

OP, this is a really poor relationship. You are 28, you have a house. You life with your DD could be so much better. This man wanted to escape his parents and being a parent. In no way is he a partner.

You can decide to end it now or in years to come, but it will end and you are wasting your life.

I feel desperately sad for the 13 year old. I know lots of young teens, some are very affectionate and huggy and some are not, so I wouldn't think there was anything wrong. However this one lost his mum at a young age and has a shit father and elderly grandparents.

CantStopMeNow · 15/02/2019 14:36

I am 28 and he is 40
Ahhhh.....that explains the doormat behaviour.

The only solution to this is HIM acting like a PARTNER and supporting you in treating BOTH children fairly - but he REFUSES.
Ergo - no solution.
He doesn't have enough - OR ANY - respect for you OP.
I doubt he even loves you. You are a means to an end.

He's targeted a young, financially independent woman who has a house of her own to offload all his parenting, childcare and housing responsibilities on to.

I bet you even do all/majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning and life admin.

If you can't see his colours clearly enough yet OP, i suggest you make him to move out/into his own place and conduct your relationship from there.
THAT will show you ALL his real colours.

Love51 · 15/02/2019 14:36

So, your options are
Kick him out with his son
Kick him out, offer to keep his son
Adopt his son, live together
Adopt his son, dump him.
Live with him, accepting the situation
Live with him while trying to change the situation (worst choice, someone who needs telling to care for their 8 yo step kid isn't someone I would allow the privilege of caring for my child!)
Are there any I've missed?
There are options other than split up, it is just a matter of whether you find them more palatable. I don't, but it isn't my life!

BitOutOfPractice · 15/02/2019 14:37

So, your "partner" also does no housework? Am I right?

And let me guess, he doesn't contribute financially equally either...

Time to get thinking about your future with this "man" OP

CantStopMeNow · 15/02/2019 14:38

By the way - fair does not mean equal (which he seems to think it does)

combatbarbie · 15/02/2019 14:38

Thanks for clarifying but it doesn't change anything I said. DSS is looking to you as a parent for emotional comfort which is understandable but you need to tell DP to man up or fuck off.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/02/2019 14:39

Poor lad. His mum has died and his dad doesn't give a shit about him. He is crying out for attention and he is getting it from you. It is possible given his circumstances that he is not as emotionally mature as he might be but I don't think there is anything wrong with him at all.

ltk · 15/02/2019 14:43

You want to fix your partner. You must know that's not possible. You are so young, OP! Dump this twat. Don't waste any more time with him. We all feel very sorry for his ds, but you can't fix that, either.

Springwalk · 15/02/2019 14:44

Your whole relationship is one sided Op.

He is doing all the taking, while not offering anything at all in return.

He sounds jealous and resentful of your dd, I would be calling it a day now before it damages your little girl.

He has no interest in her whatsoever, this level of rejection by someone that lives with her and should care for her is very detrimental.

Your sister sounds absolutely awesome, please can we share her!!

LTB and don't look back, you (and by extension dd) can do far far better than this!!