FIL moving in

[Gault500]

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

As PPs said, tread carefully for now and bide your time. Its so painful that your DH, FIL and MIL will not be thinking rationally right now and you run the risk of being at the receiving end of their emotional lashing out. (Although no is of course what you must say)

So, wait until MIL passes, then support FIL to look after himself until we can plan what happens next (organise a cleaner, teach him to use the washing machine etc).

If at this stage he insists on selling up and moving to you point out that he would be very lonely living with you because dh is away, you are at work, the dcs are at school etc. How much better it would be if he moved nearer to you to somewhere like a retirement village for active sociable retirees. Then he could come and visit you easily from there when dh is home from work.

I'm sorry for you all.

My mum was widowed when she was 64 she is now 83 - fit healthy and has a better social life than me!

I am confused why the only option is to sell his house straight away? If they can afford the house and a house keeper now, surely can still afford after your MIL has passed?

I would suggest he stays exactly where he is for at least a year and encourage him to join the local community- my mum does all sorts of random clubs! Scrabble club, navel club, walking club. Most communities have these available and they are normally free or low cost but it doesn’t sound like money is the concern. Is he religious at all as the church can be a good place to be socialble as well.

After a year see how he is doing and then look to have him move closer to you, if he is struggling but again a separate place, where again he can have a housekeeper if he is still clueless!

He is a fit healthy 68 year old there is no need to be living with you apart for company which he can get from engaging in his local community.

Lord above, I only wish I had the time, energy and motivation to do as much as my 84 year old mother. A different group or activity every day, absorbing hobbies, gardening, holidays. Mostly developed since she lost her DH a decade ago.

I’d be willing to bet money on him finding a new wife to look after him very soon

I think the same Budgie. Unattached women greatly outnumber men in this age group, and if he makes even half an effort, he will find himself in demand - and he's too selfish to shift for himself, so he'll choose another slave companion pretty quickly. They may or may not marry - but he'll have someone to run round after him in a short space of time.

(I know I sound mean - but I cannot get my head around the idea of a man so bloody selfish that he had a terminally ill woman waiting on him hand and bloody foot!)

Your FIL is coming in for some unfair criticism I think. It’s entirely possible his wife has kept him dependent - some women do. Or maybe he took care of the finances or all the DIY while she did the homemaking because they both liked things that way. Who knows?

He’s facing a solitary life after many years of marriage. He may well adjust to life without her in a way neither of them (or indeed you) can envisage at this time. Just reassure your PIL you’ll be there to help him make the transition. He doesn’t need to live with you for that to happen.

OP definitely agree with you. Also be careful as if DH has said to FIL 'great idea' then he will be mad at you as he will know where the rejection has come from...

I’d be willing to bet money on him finding a new wife to look after him very soon

He might, but I’m not sure how many women in their sixties and younger are that desperate to get into a relationship where they are essentially tending to a man’s needs. He’d be better off with a spaniel.

No absolutely not. No no no no no. Did I say no? It’s a terrible idea and quite frankly you’ll all be miserable. There are plenty of old people who either live alone or in retirement communities. No no no.

No. My FIL is getting on and has bad arthritis. We’ve toyed with the idea of him living in annexe next to us but My eldest son is severely autistic and going away to residential college in September. I’ve spent 20 years caring for him as he can’t do anything for himself. No way do I then want to start caring for my FIL!

When my mum died, my dad repeatedly hinted that he wanted to move in with us, me, DH and 2 DC the youngest of whom was 2yo. He was a very traditional man and on the night my mum died we returned to his house for a cuppa and he had to ask me how many sugars he took in his tea! With gentle repeated reassurance he forged a new good life, even getting a “lady friend”, although we did move closer. OP why don’t you suggest he doesn’t rush into making hasty decisions following MIL death, and see how it goes with the house keeper first. If not managing then suggest he moves closer to you all with the same set up as currently, or think about a “granny annexe” if you have room but he caters for himself. My Dad even turned out to be a good cook eventually and enjoyed his alone time as the kids could be a bit much as he aged. Encourage him to attend clubs and do hobby’s to widen his circle but leaving his locality beings it’s own isolation. It’s for FIL benefit as much as your own that you don’t allow this to happen so speak up loudly now

"He's only 68 surely he's capable of doing hat himself. Once she gets involved in doing stuff like that, it will not be his responsibility anymore" exactly! And if anything "goes wrong" with it op will likely get the blame too!

Husband is at home one week in four? Get him to change jobs so that he can be home more than 13 weeks a year, that is ridiculous. As FIL has a housekeeper at the moment why can't he perhaps move closer and still maintain a housekeeper. At 68 he isn't exactly ancient and should be able to manage albeit it may take a while. If the couple haven't been the kind to socialise what makes FIL feel it would be good to move in with you. It's a non starter. Also he will need to be careful about giving money away in case he ends up needing care - deprivation of assets unless the money/house was jointly owned by him and MIL and her will allows for her share to go to someone other than FIL. Can't be too careful.

I feel for you having been in a similar situation 20 years ago ( FIL passed and MIL was going to move next door ) . We had bought and she was very dependent - I had a job in city and she was calling ME all the time and not my husband, Even that situation freaked me out but I think what is being asked of you seems to be without discussion and your agreement and that is what is unreasonable. I have had to stand up to a lot of pressures on restion to family over the years and on reflection however unpopular that may makr a person it’s best to say early on what you feel you can manage - if you don’t resentment may build and ultimately that could be disastrous. Also you are a Mum and your mental health and sanity is truly important not just to yourself but your nearest and dearest . Good Luck with resolving it all 💐

So good of your DH to volunteer your time and energy to cook and wash your fil,s mucky undercrackers ..Especially as he's away for three weeks out of four. I'm thinking that your fil is panicking because he's got nobody to look after him. Of course it's a good idea to move in with you..For Christ sake he's not even 70.

Uh, no. For me, the good side of DH being on a work trip is not having to think about dinner. Children’s tea for the little ones and then toast or something for me in front of the tv, watching any crap I fancy. It would kill me to have to be cooking for someone else then, along with doing all the childcare and housework alone. Tell your DP that his father will be a much greater burden than he thinks and you can not handle the extra load. He should get a little place of his own nearby and learn to look after himself. Maybe offer to let him stay with you while he looks?

Terrible idea and your DH is being extremely unfair in assuming you will go along with this. My friends did the same and took in FIL after MIL died and it caused my friend to almost have a breakdown and caused all sorts of problems within her marriage and family. Don't underestimate the affect having a previously distant family member there 100% of the time can have. My friend went back to work full time as she could not bear going home.

Your FIL sounds like he will want waiting on, your DH is not around a lot of the time so you will not only have your kids to look after but him too. Everyone says leave it a year after bereavement before doing anything and I suggest you do that. Either help him move locally to you or give him a chance to forge a new life without your MIL with support from you in terms of extra visits, phone calls etc, things in place like maybe a cleaner or cooking lessons. He is not that old so he can learn to care for himself.

I would be telling your DH no way and suggest he goes and stays with his DF as much as possible after MIL gone.

You have to say No. or end your marriage. YourDH seems completely witless about the reality of the harebrained scheme.

It won’t be more work for him- he’s not there three-quarters of the time.

I’d be seriously wondering about my husband’s care for me if he suggested something like this under the circumstances of yours and his working patterns.

My dh is away from home about 1 week in 4 and that is progressively putting a strain on our relationship. I can't imagine having a parent from either side move in as well.
My dm died last year. My df lives far away and while he's very self sufficient, I worry about him. However I think he needs to go through all the grieving stages before he makes major decisions. Your dh has made a knee jerk reaction. The dust needs to settle but your fil mustn't think you will be looking after him in place of his dw.

Please please please say no. I’m talking from experience here, not me but another family member, it caused many many arguments, the children became very naughty and their relationship is almost over. Try a retirement home near you or he could find someone to come in and help Daily. I have never known this arrangement to work. I’m afraid your husband doesn’t have a clue what it will be like, I understand that he must Be beside himself with worrying about his mum at the moment, but realistically when push comes to shove a few months down the line, he’s going to seriously regret this decision.

My father learnt to cook at 91 after my mother died. He is happy in his own home and won’t consider moving to a flat, or nursing home, but that may come. And doesn’t want to live with any of us, thankfully! We do however live close by and one of us see him most days and we do the housework and gardening.

In general, the received wisdom is to leave everything as it is for a year after a close bereavement. My father found this very helpful advice and has now lived on his own for 3 years. Your FiL might be fine with his housekeeper and short visits to your house when his son is at home - not when his son/your husband is working away from home.

At 67, in a year or two, your FiL may meet someone special and start a new life with her. Difficult if you have used his money to extend your home.

Hope it all goes well, difficult times for you 🌺

I’d be willing to bet money on him finding a new wife to look after him very soon
He might, but I’m not sure how many women in their sixties and younger are that desperate to get into a relationship where they are essentially tending to a man’s needs. He’d be better off with a spaniel.

I think that it's seen as a good trade off for having a companion and not going home to an empty house.

Wasn't 45 the new 30, so 68 is the new, what, 53?

Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

I did it for a few years (MiL, SiL, her partner, her kids - then one, now three) and it was fine. I moved in with them, rather than MiL moving in with us. I worked out better than I ever imagined, but I think we're the exception rather than the rule.

Hi op.

I have a male family member who lost his wife 9 years ago. The transition for him was quite tough, as she had done all of the financial stuff, so he didn't have a clue about bills and things. But he soon got the hang of it. He is now over 80 and lives very independently, in the house he has always lived in, drives to see family members and helps out with the odd bit of babysitting for a relative. He is a much loved and valued member of the family.

I can't believe a man 12 years younger, with no health needs should need someone to look after him.

I agree with the do nothing drastic, such as selling his house for at least a year.

And don't agree to a trial period of him living with you.

Good luck to you during this difficult time.

A trial period?

Can you imagine havjng him in your house for 3 months, he is settled and loving the life of Riley, you cannot stand it a minute longer, but someone (“someone”) has to tell him that it isn’t working and he has to go back home to his own house.

And of course DH will be fully in board at that point, evicting his Dad.... and not blaming you for the decision.....

As someone who lived with my FIL for 3 years.....NO NO NO!!!!

Do not allow this!