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Original poster

FIL moving in

370 replies

Gault500 · 15/02/2019 10:41

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 15/02/2019 15:05

AlexaAmbidextra 68 isn't old, but people can go downhill rapidly. My mum was fine at 68, and died last year in her early 70s.

These eventualities need to be discussed.

Notonthestairs · 15/02/2019 15:07

My Dad was widowed at 68. There was a fair amount of panic from me and him in amongst the tidal wave of grief. I nearly insisted on moving 120 miles to be closer to him. But 6 years on he is alone but has made a good life for himself (cycling club, church, bridge, golf, he has dinner parties etc)

Lesson learned - no fast moves after a bereavement. Let the new normal sink in.

RiverTam · 15/02/2019 15:15

Indeed, multi. It is not unusual for men in particular to go downhill very quickly when their wives die, if they have been married a long time.

But hey! He's not part of the OP's family (only he is, what with her being married to his son and all) so he can fuck off, right?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/02/2019 15:21

I'm sorry to hear about your MiL but my advice would be this -

  1. Get FiL on a training course to help him understand how to do his banking/shopping etc on line. I've seen some adverts on telly that Barclays bank do something along those lines.
  2. Get FiL on a cookery course. He'll make friends and learn a life skill.
  3. help him with his laundry (or set up a service that will collect dirty laundry on say a Monday and deliver it back to him clean and pressed or on hangers on a Wednesday) and if you show him how to use his washing machine and tumble dryer you're already on to a winner!
  4. Get him involved in a local club/society that would be of interest to him. If he goes to church, perhaps his local church would help him here.

I wouldn't have him to stay unless it was very very short term and he was getting some work done to his house, and even then, I'd think a hotel might be more appropriate.

He's 68. He could be living with you for the next 30 years or longer (depending on his health). Do you really want him living with you for that long???

GooseberryJam · 15/02/2019 15:23

It will be like having another child

In one family I know it pretty much destroyed the grandkids relationship, as the elderly male relative grew older his needs took over their childhood - household
These are the reasons I decided I couldn't move my dad in with me. I want my DC to be my focus and be able to do normal childhood things, rather than always having to be quiet because Grandad is having a nap (in a communal part of the house), have to watch that programme in silence because Grandad likes it, have to not complain when Grandad talks all the way through anything anyone else wants to watch, have to eat what Grandad likes because he has very conservative tastes (or watch mum get frazzled as she has to cater two different meals all the time). And I realised that then I would spend so much time compensating the DC for all the time I spent prioritising Grandad that I would have no time left to prioritise me. Or any of my other relationships and interests. I am quite a people pleaser but even I couldn't contemplate being always at the bottom of the list, potentially for years to come, as well as dealing with the guilt about not putting the DC first. For all those reasons I have firmly ruled it out, permanently.

lazymare · 15/02/2019 15:24

Absolutely not. Never.

juneau · 15/02/2019 15:25

noisy 5 year old with toys everywhere and play dates every weekend, and a 9 month old who never sleeps and is permanently grumpy and over tired. I feel like he may have a bit of a romanticised vision of how it would be

You may find that having him to stay for a weekend at some point leads to an abrupt change of heart from your FIL once he realises what living with you will really be like!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/02/2019 15:26

He misses out on a lot with the kids when he is away

He will miss out on even more when your FIL is monopolising his time on the one week a month he is home - and trust me - he will.

But hey! He's not part of the OP's family (only he is, what with her being married to his son and all) so he can fuck off, right?

RiverTam -this is a totally uncalled for comment. They are not leaving a sick, very elderly and disabled individual to fend for themselves while they live the good life.

He is a fit and well but very selfish individual who can certainly manage if he needs to. The suggestion is to help him to move nearer, and to invite him for meals several times a week. He will have more family interaction than he has been previously and will be well supported.

It has not been suggested that they stick him on an ice flow to be devoured by polar bears!

RiverTam · 15/02/2019 15:29

It's also worth realising that he may not being quite so unsociable once MIL has gone - it may well be her driving that.

My mum became a gazillion times more sociable after my dad died. It was him who was the unsociable one.

As for 'send FIL on a course' - or maybe his son or DIL could help him/teach him? Jesus, some people really do think that the old folk should be outsourced and kept at arms' length. Still, what goes around comes around, their DC will observe them failing to help out and do the same to them in turn.

RiverTam · 15/02/2019 15:30

Schad not, it's really not. I actually find it pretty disgusting how much on MN people think that family=their DP and DC and that's it. Fuck the parents that brought them up.

It's revolting.

ReflectentMonatomism · 15/02/2019 15:38

As for 'send FIL on a course' - or maybe his son or DIL could help him/teach him?

Cooking is hardly difficult. It's not as though there aren't books and television programmes, is it?

winsinbin · 15/02/2019 15:38

I would be very frank with DH and FIL right from the start that this won’t work for you. Better now than later. Say FIL is used to having things done his way and there will be clashes if he tries to adjust to a busy, noisy family house.

Suggest a compromise - you help him find and relocate to a small house or flat near you and save the money he would have given you to pay for a cleaner or p/t housekeeper. Emphasise that the plan will help everyone retain privacy and independence but will still let FIL play an active part in your family life. And never, ever give him a key to your house.

This might well lead to strong words or hurt feelings but stick to your guns -FIl is a strong independent man and everyone needs their own space. Better to argue about it now that when he’s living under your room.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/02/2019 15:40

Alexa not everyone is the same, you know...

I just knew that wouldn’t take long. Surprisingly, I do know that but there are so many comments on this thread that seem to assume that being 68 means you’re in a bath-chair with an ear trumpet. The majority of 68 year olds are able to manage for themselves very well.

RiverTam · 15/02/2019 15:41

Reflect yes, because God forbid anyone should actually spend some time with a man who's wife is dying/has recently died.

Christ. Listen to yourself.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/02/2019 15:42

But hey! He's not part of the OP's family (only he is, what with her being married to his son and all) so he can fuck off, right?

Don’t be silly. There is a huge spectrum between ‘fucking right off’ and moving in with his son and family.

RiverTam · 15/02/2019 15:42

Alexa but, rightly or wrongly (though in fact the OP is just guessing), not this one. Still, let's punish him for the lifestyle choices he and his wife made, shall we?

3timeslucky · 15/02/2019 15:42

Eh, no. Nothing to do with him being your FIL and not your F. Just no.

Your FIL may want to move in with you. That does not give his the right to. You need to explain to both your dh and your FIL why this is not a good idea. Your post gives lots of good reasons.

I have the greatest respect for people who do this kind of thing. But it does not mean that it has to be done by everyone else. You know yourself and your limits. You also know that you don't want to spend the next (possibly 20) years of your life with your FIL in your home. All completely reasonable. As the person on whom most of the burden will fall (given your dh's working patterns) you absolutely need to be heard on this.

3timeslucky · 15/02/2019 15:44

winsinbins practical suggestions make a lot of sense.

Good luck. Not easy. But easier to address this now than live with the consequences for 20 years.

ReflectentMonatomism · 15/02/2019 15:45

I'm listening to the OP:

We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted...PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members

If you've got to 68 without being able to cook, that's a choice. If you never go out or contact your family, that's a choice. Life's about choices. People get back the relationships they build, and it doesn't sound as though the OP's father in law has exactly gone out of his way to make himself someone people want to help.

ReflectentMonatomism · 15/02/2019 15:46

Still, let's punish him for the lifestyle choices he and his wife made, shall we?

Yes, it's perfectly reasonable to keep at arms' length people who keep you at arms' length. If you make choices, they may later have consequences. It's as well to think about those consequences when you are making the choices.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/02/2019 15:49

My suggestion about FiL attending a cookery course is that it would get him out of the house, meeting new friends, and learning a new skill. Much easier to do in a big kitchen with lots of others around who are in the same boat and less likely to have family fall-out because X didn't do Y at the right time or put the oven on at the right temperature or whatever. It's more of a social thing. It's not putting him at arms length.

The way I took the opening post and all of the others that followed, was that FiL was moving in to the OP's home because it was likely he would need a housekeeper (OP) or a chef (OP) and perhaps someone to do his laundry (OP) as the OP's DH is away from home 3 out of 4 weeks so it would fall to the OP to do all of this for her FiL. My suggestion would keep FiL in his own home and he would become more self sufficient. Is that not a good thing???

Notonthestairs · 15/02/2019 15:52

RiverTam - have you had a parent/parent in law come and live with you (forever)? How was it?

Personally I think the fact the Op is considering this or how to make it work (FIL moving closer and coming to dinner four nights a week) shows how sympathetic she is.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/02/2019 15:53

Oh and unless he is already happy to do his finances and banking online, pay his bills online and do his shopping online, getting him some help or training on this is not a bad thing. It's the way that business is moving. I'd have to ask why is getting him this help seen as being a bad thing?

RiverTam · 15/02/2019 16:00

yes, the OP is sympathetic. Some of the rest of the people on this thread (and indeed others like it)... not so much.

We have in fact gone so far as to check out houses to live in with FIL (who would probably be a bloody nightmare), because, no doubt due to his own poor choices, he's not in a great place in various ways. It doesn't look like it's on the cards but yes, we would look into it and seriously consider it. Because he's family. We are not making a particular geographical move because of my mother being ill. Again, she's family. And so we take them into account.

I did actually say in my first post that the first thing that would need to happen is the OP's DH getting a job that made him available daily. But so many of these comments are just horrible.

woolduvet · 15/02/2019 16:03

I'd do a trial run whereby you go visit him, let the children run riot, he'll soon change his mind.

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