"just that FIL has asked and he thinks it is a good idea and would like to have him" but HE wouldn't be the one HAVING HIM! He's never bloody there anyway!!
I'm with pps who say you need to tell dh a very loud very clear NO right NOW!
It's NOT the same as someone visiting for a holiday (as dh seems to think) AND dh does sod all as he's never there and then there's fil ageing and declining - YOU will be his carer NOT dh.
Seriously nip this in the bud right now!
I agree with proposing the idea of fil staying at his work residence! See how he likes them apples!
No to annex/granny flat etc because op will STILL be expected to cook clean and later become carer to fil AND when he's at point of needing 24/7 care "well it's easy for you to do it op he's only in the annex you've not got to go far/it's only doing the odd bit of laundry/cooking etc" says dh - who has NO CLUE how much work is ACTUALLY involved!
"One option I am considering is giving it a trial period" don't! That'll just be you sleep walking into doing exactly what dh & fil want. Tell dh IF it's going to be considered (you plural taking care of HIS father) he needs a job where he's at home 100% otherwise he can bloody forget it! Geez dh doesn't even fully partake in family life now - I wouldn't even put up with that with 2 young kids!
And I also agree that YOU aren't the one to source sheltered housing, support services etc - that's dh's & fils job!
The second you do it every suggestion you make will be deemed not suitable for spurious reasons.
"Could be a good babysitter when you and DH want to go out.
I read somewhere that kids who live with a grandparent growing up are happier.
It might not be forever, once some time has passed he might prefer to be in his own home again." There speaks someone I strongly suspect has NEVER cared for someone elderly nor even witnessed their own family doing so.
"Sheltered accommodation for a healthy 68 year old? What planet are some of you on?" Do you understand how sheltered accommodation works? It's not residential care! It's people living somewhat independently but with help for things they can't manage themselves, what's offered varies but at the least includes residents having an emergency response service, help with small household maintenance tasks but might also include cleaners, housekeepers, small cafes & social events on site, even food cooked on premises and delivered to each apartment at set times - similar to living in a hotel really which wealthy older folk used to and some still do.
My local housing associations have supported accommodation available to anyone over 55 who wants it. They sell rather than rent (although the support services obviously are hired) so presumably making a profit which is why they don't care if the person "needs" it - ie age is the only "qualifying criteria". It's very popular with certain types of older folk - unsurprisingly especially single men! The services provided are emergency response service, handyman service, basic housekeeping, small cafe area on site, occasional social events in the communal lounge mainly at weekends. My aunt (who's younger than the fil but has health issues) lives in one and loves it. She's not the youngest and she has also observed that many are actually in good health they just prefer living like this.
"I think the people talking about him panicking about being on his own are probably right. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective, I had just assumed he was being lazy!" Entirely possible it's both! Wtf kind of man expects a sick woman to STILL be running around his HEALTHY arse?!
"asking him to make sure he looks after FIL when she is gone" that DOESN'T have to mean him living with you! That can absolutely be YOUR dh providing emotional support, helping fil to organise accommodation and/or support services to live pretty much as he does now. It's pretty pathetic actually that he's (fil) making no effort to LEARN to cook, clean, do laundry etc.
And as always when such behaviour by men is excused as "traditional" is it fuck!! My dad isn't much older than him, my granda's if they were still alive would be in their 90's, all "traditional" men BUT not lazy & entitled like this guy! Their wives did the "traditionally" women's jobs BUT they did the "traditionally" mens jobs AND acknowledged their wives efforts/contributions to the family. This guy sounds utterly unappreciative and lazy! I'll bet he only got the current housekeeper when his poor wife was literally no longer capable of doing everything!
Absolutely no reason he can't learn to cook basic meals & snacks and do the basic chores, perhaps getting someone in to do larger jobs or ones he genuinely cannot do himself. He just doesn't want to (and more worryingly for you op his son doesn't think he should have to either! You're going to BE mil in 40 odd years if you're not careful).
"and does help out when he is back." That says it all to me! He's a part time husband and father and now wants to be a part time son too. You'll be doing all the work and he'll take much of the credit - and I'll bet fil would treat him like the sodding saviour too - and you as a servant!
"I think he's just trying to keep everyone happy" everyone EXCEPT you and HIS DC!
"We have in fact gone so far as to check out houses to live in with FIL" and another one commenting WITHOUT knowledge or experience of the REALITY - so you haven't ACTUALLY done this yet no?
"It doesn't look like it's on the cards" and not even close to BEING in the same situation - easy to criticise when it's not you it's affecting.
And "but they're faaaamily" is emotionally manipulative bollocks often used to excuse dreadful behaviour and force people to put up with shit treatment from people they're related to. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to become their dogsbody/whipping boy/servant!
"And drive my DH crazy for that matter!" But dh isn't worried about that BECAUSE HE IS NEVER THERE!
My mother grew up in a household where her grandparent lived with them. The grandparent moved in because they were very ill and needed looking after BUT here's the thing, her parents believed her to be (based on Drs assessment) so ill it would be for less than 10 years, possibly less than 5 - 36 years she lived after moving in! My mum adored her gran BUT also was aware that she was very demanding and that the situation put a huge strain on her parents. One "hilarious" relative helpfully gave the bedridden woman a small klaxon thing "for fun" so she could call on whoever was home to do whatever she wanted: cuppa, turn the tv channel (no remote controls then, one uncle still has the nickname "remote control" as a result), fetch her knitting or even just "keep her company" which seemed to always coincide with when they were trying to leave for a social event they were looking forward to which she disapproved of - this tactic was even employed on one relatives wedding day (she didn't approve of the fiance). The family even now - over 40 years later - still shudders when they hear a similar klaxon!
The other side of the family my gran lovely as she was, when she became too poorly to really safely care for herself, stubbornly refused to move out of her home at all, expecting her dds and dil's (note not any men!) to make huge sacrifices to care for her at home, it got to the point there were complex rotas had to be drawn up & people sustained injuries eg from having to pick her up after falls etc.
I've also been a nurse working in residential care. Just because someone is older doesn't mean they're a nice person! People (usually those without any experience of such situations) are very critical of families who "put loved relatives into a home" without considering that the now elderly/frail person could well have treated and continues to treat their relatives appallingly, be very selfish, demanding and entitled. Why should younger relatives have to put up with such treatment AND make huge sacrifices to their physical & mental health, relationship, parenting, careers etc for people who don't even appreciate it? And that's before you get into what bloody hard work it is caring for a person when they DO inevitably decline as they age! He's 68 and fit and healthy NOW but 68 isn't that young, entirely possible op could soon be dealing with 2 very young children AND a fil who's recovering from a stroke or heart attack, who develops a terminal illness himself, who needs VERY personal care with bathing, incontinence issues etc
I really strongly suspect those being critical of those of us saying "hell no!" Have NEVER actually cared for an older person and that those of us who are saying it DO!
It's also very true that making major decisions in the first 1-2 years after a bereavement rarely turn out to have been the right decisions.
The wallpaper comment made me laugh, my gran repainted the living room in a weird chartreuse colour about 6 months after granda died, upon his 1 year anniversary the decision hit her and she was like "what was I thinking its a horrible colour" 😂