FIL moving in

[Gault500]

MIL has a terminal illness and will be coming to the end of her life in the next 3-4 weeks. DH has just dropped the bombshell that when she dies FIL wants to move in with us. This is a horrible time for them all and I know I should be supportive, but I'm absolutely horrified! We have 2 young kids, DH works abroad 3 weeks in every 4 and I work full time. I am exhausted and the thought of having another person to look after feels completely overwhelming. DH says it won't be like that and I won't have to do anything for him, but realistically he is a very "traditional" man who doesn't know how to cook or clean and as far as I can tell has no inclination to learn (despite his wife being seriously ill she still did everything for him for as long as she could, and now they have a housekeeper who comes in sorts him out). PIL are also notoriously anti-social - I've never known them to go out, have friends, or even contact other family members - so I can't imagine he's after the company! Aside from the extra work, I also can't imagine having him (or indeed any other person!) in my house every single day and having no time alone with the kids or DH. I didn't enjoy flat sharing when I was younger, even with some of my closest friends, as although I am quite sociable I do enjoy coming home and value my privacy. FIL is 68 and in good health so this could be my life for the next 25 years!!! PIL live in another part of the country so I totally expected him to move close to us and would be happy for him to come for dinner 3 or 4 nights a week, I just never in a million years expected him to want to live with us! On the flip side we do have the space for him (although we would no longer have a spare room for friends to stay) so I probably am being unreasonable for putting my own feelings before those of a grieving widower and my DH! Anyone got any lovely stories where living with a relative turned out to be a fabulous, life enhancing experience- I think I might need a dose of positivity!

The thing is not every family is the same. Not every relationship is as strong or as able to withstand those kind of changes. Indeed for some families it would lead to irreplaceable damage. And that is where a lot of posters are coming from.

We seriously considered moving in with my dad. But not having done it and seen what positives have come out of that decision I'm glad we didn't.

I couldn't live with my lovely Dad or my parents in law. Just couldn't.
But not wanting to live with family members doesn't make me uncaring - just somebody who knows her own limits.

Most of the people on this thread have said no to him moving in, but many have given constructive and sympathetic solutions to the issue.

For people who say you should move closer to FIL, build a granny annexe, have FIL move in etc. What happens if you have multiple elderly relatives to look after?

Until last year we had 3 sets of parents situated 20, 80 and 250 miles away, in completely opposite directions. Where would you suggest we move to, to look after them? How many annexes would we need to build? DH's parents haven't lived with each other for nearly 40 years, can't imagine they would like to start living with each other again now!

sorry, your MIL wants her adult son to be "taken in" by a relative when she's gone?

Yep, she certainly does. First she tried the 'Who will look after BIL when I'm gone?' Now she does the sighs. If we're in town for something, she'll say, 'Oh, I can't meet then, I have to take BIL to the JobCentre' (he dips in and out of work, and despite living in a city with loads of good public transport and their living a quarter of a mile tops from the bus stop, he simply cannot be expected to catch a bus that travels straight down the road to the JobCentre.

He sits on the sofa in the lounge and expects to have cups of tea handed to him and taken away. He won't even bother himself to microwave a ready meal or make himself a sandwich.

He's in his early 40s and has no health issues.

But he won't come visit us out here because a) we don't offer to go through and ferry him over and b) DH expects him to prepare his own meals, cups of tea, wash his own dishes and muck in with the work.

I made it very clear to DH that if he even sniffs of moving him here once their mother dies, she's nearly 80 and has tons of medical problems, then it's divorce for us and I'd say the same if it were my own brother or sister, I really would.

I already have an autistic son who is very stubborn and showing definite PDA traits, over my dead body will I take in an able-bodied adult to sit on the settee all day and expect maid service.

I think the idea of your DH's taking time off work and going and staying with his dad a month or two is a very very good one.

If there is more talk of this, start turning it around into an option that neither your fil nor your dh would like, spell out how you see it ‘working’ rather than running along with their default ‘wife does it all’ way of thinking.

So... on the basis that dh is the one that needs to look after/interact with fil as you are already too busy fil will need to travel with dh and curb his style plus it would be wrong for fil to be there for so long with you without dh. And also if fil wants to be waited on then he needs to know this isn’t going to happen.

Ask about how fil is going to cope with being away with dh for 3 out of 4 weeks each month, who is going to finance that, because it is obviously wrong that he would be spending so much time in your house without dh there...

And also say about how you suppose it could be useful if fil comes as you’re so busy - fil will be able to pick up the slack in the system - looking after the dc so you can stay longer at work, cooking the evening meal during the day so it’s ready for everyone in the evening, doing the laundry, doing the cleaning and so on... if challenged about why he should do it, well why should you do it as you’re out at work and he’s only a year into the age that you will be able to retire at so fit and able. You don’t have capacity to do more - if they think it’s no effort then it would be no effort for them either...

Hopefully that should scare him off nicely
Hopefully you can think of other similar examples to scare both dh and fil into thinking it was a bad idea!!

Things that often happen: family pressure on daughters-in-law to care for their husbands' families.

Things that very rarely happen: family pressure on sons-in-law to care for their wives' families.

I would say to DH how he feels about changing his job to be the carer/stay at home adult with his father?

^^ This!! DON'T have him live with you - YOUR life (not your DH's) will drastically change for the worse and as FIL is only 68yo this could be for years! At the most perhaps he can live in his own flat not too far from you - but NOT in an annex- that's far too close and may also cause problems later if you need to sell your home.

It would be a no from me, too. We had my mil to stay for 7 months last year, because she was ill and couldn’t go back to a house with stairs. It wasn’t intended to be permanent.

It nearly broke our marriage up. (We have been married for35 years)

DH began staying later at work because of the atmosphere. At one point, I was told by his sister that I had no say in where mil lived because I wasn’t even family. We are now low contact with both of them.

I do think this might be a knee jerk reaction on your FILs part. When my SF died, for about 6 months my DM was coming up with all sorts of plans to ensure she was 'looked after', she was really panicked that after 30 years of marriage she wouldn't cope alone and insistent that me or DSis agree to have her very close by and care for her (even though she was similar age to your FIL and absolutely nothing wrong with her!). She was going to give up driving, worrying about what if she got ill, who was going to make sure she was eating properly, who was going to mow her garden, all sorts of things.

In the end she moved a few miles from DSis and is now way more independent and self sufficient than she ever was when her husband was alive, she has a far better social life than I do. I think the initial realisation that you will be alone is terrifying and I wonder if he's just reacting to that and grasping at what seems like the most obvious solution to him. My mum couldn't seem to see at all that some if what she was suggesting was plain unreasonable but it wore off after a few months and reason returned thank goodness!

@winsinbin this is definitely the line I am going to take. I think that it is the compromise option that would suit us all best in the long run.

@RiverTam I get where you are coming from. While him living with us is a step too far for me, I genuinely want to help him and wouldn't want him to stay on his own where he is now without support. I don't see it as just DH's responsibility to deal with him and am more than happy to have him round, help him learn to cook, visit him so he isn't lonely, etc. Yes given our circumstances it will most likely fall to me to do the lion's share at the moment and no doubt it will add a bit of extra stress into my life but as long as it isn't affecting my own mental health it's not a massive deal. I'd hope that if it was one of my parents DH would chip in to help where he could rather than just leaving it all to me. My DH would love to get a job closer to home but there just isn't anything at the moment so we're stuck with the status quo for the foreseeable future.

Things that very rarely happen: family pressure on sons-in-law to care for their wives' families.

This.

Another friend who is 55 and working FT as a headteacher has been widowed for 10 years. She has now two adult children, but again, she is working FT.

Her husband has 3 brothers, all married. Their mother is in her 80s and growing increasingly worse with dementia and health problems.

They had the cheek to ask her when she was coming up to Scotland (she is Welsh and lives in Wales) to 'sort out Mum' and fully expecting her to become the carer now that 'you don't have anything else to do'.

How she laughed!

@ImperfectAlf this is definitely a fear of mine. He is not a nasty or horrible man, but he is a bit eccentric and has his own little ways with things that drive me crazy. And drive my DH crazy for that matter! Living in such close quarters I imagine that a minor niggle could easily grow into a longer term resentment.

It would be a no from me. Would only consider something like this if house had separate annex

My DH would love to get a job closer to home but there just isn't anything at the moment so we're stuck with the status quo for the foreseeable future.

He is allowed to take unpaid leave to stay with his father in most high-earning jobs like this. Why is he not suggesting this as an option? My ex-h did this when his mother became terminally ill. We didn't have kids and I had to take on a second job at weekends and do overtime to cover the loss of income but that was his immediate suggestion, not to suggest I become the default carer but that he take the hit with his job to do his bit and I did mine by making sure I earned the shortfall.

He stayed with them about a month before she died and then took another month about 6 months later to help his dad clear the house and sell it, both he and his brother and both were in majorly highly professional jobs, as were we, their wives.

Why isn't this a suggestion even?

I'd hope that if it was one of my parents DH would chip in to help where he could rather than just leaving it all to me

Well if he's planning on leaving the care of his own father to you for 75%+ of the time, I'd say there would be a slim to nil chance of him helping out with your parents.

Just a thought but what happens if he moves in, you take the money, build an annexe etc and then cannot bear it and neither can he.

The money is been spent then and how will he be able to move out?

I find it interesting that annexes are trotted out as a solution. If your parent sells their house and either uses the money to build an annex or pools it with the proceeds of selling your house to buy a larger house, that sounds great. This year. Next year. But in five years’ time when they need to sell up in order to fund residential care, what happens? When they die, are your siblings on board with not getting a penny, or, alternatively, you selling your house?

As an only child I understand why you feel you have to provide support.. but this can be done in all the ways other posters have suggested!!!! You don’t have to go to the extent of letting him move into your home to do this!!!

My first thoughts were Noooooo. Then I read ‘traditional man’ .. ‘doesn’t do anything for himself’ and it becam h@ll nooooooooo! Just don’t do it. It’s insane and unfair ( on you)

One idea is float this idea past FiL and see how he reacts

FIL. Its such an interesting idea you moving in with us. With DH away so much and me working full time, we could really use help with the household. Cooking, laundry, childcare. Baby dc screams somuch at night right now with all his night terrors, Im just running on empty. Im sure you could be a big help with so much of this. Will you mind putting your retirement on hold

Im guessing FIL might start talking about going on vacations and taking up golf

Lots of good advice above.

In addition to him NEVER moving in and not making any sudden decisions, I would add that having read all you've said about FiL, you may need to offer some tough love as the best way forward for all of you.

He's quite capable of learning how to look after himself. Whilst you want to support him, moving him near you, having him round, helping to feed him, having a housekeeper may just be enabling his laziness and dependencies. Once he has got over the first overwhelming grief, he will need to find new purpose in his life, not sinking into premature old age. Now, FiL and DH are just looking for a crutch. It can't be you.

@TaimaandRanyasBestFriend he is planning on taking a few weeks unpaid to spend time with hi mum while she is in the hospice and afterwards to plan the funeral. Then he'll be taking more later in the year to help his dad pack the house and move over. Beyond that it isn't really an option for us as we need his salary and FIL doesn't actually need him there to care for him so it would really only contribute to the enabling issue.

DH is really not a shirker. His work situation is what it is and we just have to deal with it until such times as a better option comes along!

I'd be doing some research into what FIL's place is likely to sell for vs what's on offer locally for retired independent living.
I'd definitely suggest that you cannot see FIL coping with the noise of the kids, and actually that he might prefer to have a social life.

op I really wouldn't make any firm plans for FiL to move area yet. Now is not the time to make these life changing decisions however much it may seem to be the right thing. It may well come to pass but even though you say fil doesn't have many friends etc, if he moves away from everything he knows he will immediately become dependent on you. It's amazing how much ideas can change after a bereavement.
My father died in his early 50s and my mum was extremely capable and independent but she still made a few decisions she later regretted. Nothing major, but even stuff like wallpaper choices she later wondered what the heck she was thinking.
Please tell your DH to slow down. At the moment the most important thing is to be there for your MiL and deal with the many things that will need dealing with after her death.

This is not the time to be making any major decisions. But your FIL moving in with you is a recipe for disaster - and it will fall to you because your DH is away so much. That’s not fair and ultimately won’t help FIL either. By all means consider him moving nearer, and be in a position to help him adjust, but he will need to come to terms with the new normal. He might even find some pleasure in learning how to cook etc. 68 is not old! My dad is 10 years older and still fit and healthy with plenty of interests.

My gran lives in a lovely flat in a retirement home
Meals and washing are available and 2 hours cleaning is included in the price
They have days out and services come in - hair dressers chiropodists etc
On top they have cards nights and dances

She pays £400 a months to include all major bills cleaning and onsite entertainment

There are other options

Beware buying a retirement property, they’re bastards to sell.