Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

[Raella50]

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

Maybe I'm being very stupid, but can someone please explain to me why simply not contacting someone is 'treating them like shit?”

I’d say:-

Because the person was the sister they were close to who had had a baby & our social norm is you send a card, give presents, give hugs, show up....

Because the baby is their nephew and Aunts usually are in contact with them or want to be.

Because her sister had had a difficult pregnancy and needed her.

Because her sister had been thoughtful and helpful was she ttc and our society works on reciprocity.

....sister being offended now & not wanting to make the another move that she actual fears will be rejected isn’t the same thing at all.

They stopped answering my calls, inviting me out, inviting my DD to play etc. I assumed it was to “protect me”. Turns out it wasn’t, one said I would “bring the group down” and “remind everyone what could go wrong”. She’d had a difficult first pregnancy and was terrified.

What!! You stayed friends with these people, after they completely dropped you at a horrible time in your life?
That doesn't make you a better person. It just means, they will think they can walk all over you and treat you like shit at anytime, and you will just forgive them.

That doesn't make you a better person

I didn’t say it did, just giving my take on forgiveness

It just means, they will think they can walk all over you and treat you like shit at anytime, and you will just forgive them

Not at all. I made a conscious decision to keep the friendship. If they behave poorly again, I will take that situation on it’s own merits, no precedence has been set.

As I said, the “instigator” had been through a devastating time herself. Imagine being caught in the middle of that.

(And given it was in 2009, I think we’re safe )

'A baby is not always a great great joy. PND, exhaustion etc.'

I had awful MH struggles pre- and post-partum with my last baby (3rd child, ninth pregnancy) and I still say a wanted baby is a great joy.

Birth trauma (it doesn't sound like OP has experienced that, although she has had a difficult time - I mean this more as an example) is a horrendous experience. But I'm assuming that most people would agree that someone going through infertility would not be the right person for someone with birth trauma to offload on. It doesn't mean she doesn't deserve sympathy and support, or that everything is magically OK because she's a mother.

I think if OP (sorry for third person, OP) is hoping for that sort of support and listening from her sister (which from the OP it sounds a bit as if she is), she is making a mistake.

Oh dear she really is cutting her nose off to spite her face.

I don't have children, don't know if I ever will now as time is not on my side but my nephew is the absolute light of my life. He has brought me so much joy over the years and I could not imagine not seeing him. It is also something of a comfort when thinking about all of the downsides of not having my own child at least I have a brilliant relationship with this lovely young man.

I feel really sad for her, not just because of her struggles with infertility but because she isn't allowing herself to build a relationship with her nephew.

I do think your family perhaps need to help bridge the gap here and encourage her to have a relationship with you and your son but by all means go for a coffee with her just the two of you. Perhaps do it in such a way that you could briefly introduce her to the baby at the end if she agrees.

But tell her you miss her, tell her she's a brilliant sister, tell her you want her to be part of your lives and you want her to be an amazing Aunt to your little boy too.

Ive been both sides of this - getting pregnant with my son by accident whilst my brother and SIL struggled for years. then suffering years of secondary infertility whilst others went on to have second and third children.

Quite frankly, I thinks its one of those things that unless you have been there you cant know how painful and all consuming it is.

Two comments you made show you have no idea. - going to a spa to take her mind off it and hoping you could just move on now the baby is here. Both show you have no understanding whatsoever of what your sister is going through. You can bet your bottom dollar your sister will have heard some through away comment like - "its great to be away from those bloody kids" whilst at the spa. Visiting your baby will be like a knife to the heart and if she does visit, I guarantee she will sob all the way home.

By isolating herself she is protecting her probably very fragile mental health. Would you expect someone with a depressed immune system to visit someone with chickenpox??? Some people go the opposite way - just glad to have a baby in the family they can be close to - but this reaction is not really in your Sisters hands at the moment.

I have been the other side of this with a new baby my SIL did not want to visit or have much to do with. Yes it hurts and is difficult to understand why a family member would ignore the centre of your world. But now I understand that he is the centre of YOUR world. Your sister should be practising very good self care at this point.

No one is in the wrong here, its very difficult. Maybe see your sister without the baby - don't ask her why she wont see him - explain you understand why its difficult but you are still here for her

So we should all go around ignoring people who have what we desperately want then? Should my wheelchair bound dp not talk to people who can walk? My deaf friend only speak to people who are also deaf? Keep the poor away from the rich? Where does it end?

It’s sad. Having a baby, and being proud of that baby, is OPs right. She shouldn’t have to hide him away. Or have anyone imply he’s not worth an acknowledgedment. Especially his family. He has every right to exist.

Is your mum allowed to have pictures up of him or does she have to take them down when your sister visits?

Very good post from Outnumbered1225, this shouldn’t be a race to the bottom to determine who has suffered or is suffering more. It would be nice if OP’s sister and family could show show some compassion for her. Barring that I woud just leave the sister be until she works through her own complex emotions.

Not at all. I made a conscious decision to keep the friendship. If they behave poorly again, I will take that situation on it’s own merits, no precedence has been set.

It doesn't look as thpugh they think much of the friendship, thinking you are "bringing the group down" because you had a miscarriage and dumping you is a disgusting thing to do to someone. Definitely something I could never forgive, I wouldn't want to associate with people who were willing to treat other people like that. Each to their own I suppose.

It doesn't look as thpugh they think much of the friendship, thinking you are "bringing the group down" because you had a miscarriage and dumping you is a disgusting thing to do to someone

It’s not something I would do, but I also don’t believe in holding grudges or not allowing people to make amends. Amends have been made. All good.

So we should all go around ignoring people who have what we desperately want then?

No one is saying that at all. Everyone is different and copes with the difficulties life throws at them in different ways. No one is saying someone has to do anything, just that it is understandable if they do.

@Drogosnextwife

What!! You stayed friends with these people, after they completely dropped you at a horrible time in your life?

That doesn't make you a better person. It just means, they will think they can walk all over you and treat you like shit at anytime, and you will just forgive them.

Exactly this. It shocks me what kind of treatment people will put up with. They must have massively low self esteem.

Anyone who has treated ME like that in the past, has been swiftly ghosted. I have more respect for myself, and my husband and children, than to allow this behaviour. As you say, it doesn't make someone a better person because they are a mug.

For people saying go and meet your sister without the baby- do not do this unless you want to. If you're BF it is very tricky and you will probably not want to meet without your baby, DC is part of you. If your sister cannot even bear to see your child she really does need counselling/ more interventions.

I'd love to hear the sisters version of this situation.

I'd love to hear the sisters version of this situation.

Be great if the op would come back for a start!

They must have massively low self esteem

Not at all, but I do love MN armchair psychology. I was able to see that someone else was going through a difficult time and it created a difficult situation. They weren’t my only friends, so I could either let it rankle or move forward.

I’m not interested in a “one strike and you’re out” sort of friendship. That’s just not me.

@Lexilooo

Oh dear she really is cutting her nose off to spite her face.

I don't have children, don't know if I ever will now as time is not on my side but my nephew is the absolute light of my life. He has brought me so much joy over the years and I could not imagine not seeing him. It is also something of a comfort when thinking about all of the downsides of not having my own child at least I have a brilliant relationship with this lovely young man.

I feel really sad for her, not just because of her struggles with infertility but because she isn't allowing herself to build a relationship with her nephew.

I do think your family perhaps need to help bridge the gap here and encourage her to have a relationship with you and your son but by all means go for a coffee with her just the two of you. Perhaps do it in such a way that you could briefly introduce her to the baby at the end if she agrees.

But tell her you miss her, tell her she's a brilliant sister, tell her you want her to be part of your lives and you want her to be an amazing Aunt to your little boy too.

Probably the best post on here so far tbh ...

Hopefully the sister is reading this, and can start to treat her sister (the OP) with the love and respect she deserves, and stop being a spoilt little brat. The OP's family need to grow the fuck up too.

Hopefully the sister is reading this, and can start to treat her sister (the OP) with the love and respect she deserves, and stop being a spoilt little brat. The OP's family need to grow the fuck up too.

You're really, really invested in this, aren't you? Do you mind me asking why?

Only someone with low self esteem and low self worth would put up with shitty behaviour from people.

Do you mind me asking why YOU are really, really invested in this lisasimpsonsbff?

Wow imagine the sister prioritising her own mental health during one of the worst periods of her life. What a selfish cow!

But she is not doing anything good for her mental health. Hiding from something that is everywhere (pregnant women, babies...) and that is part of normal everyday life, including your friends and family is not good for mental health, it is very very damaging for her actually. If she wants to do something good for her mental health she should seek professional help.

Thete are some fucking horrible callous comments on here.

I was thrilled when my brother told me he was going to be a dad, but by that time I'd long given up fertility treatment. Had it happened when I was still trying I would probably have felt very differently.

From what you've said in your post OP, I think that you have been very considerate of your sister's feelings for an elongated period, and really taken steps to support her and tend to her emotional needs throughout the time she's been having fertility struggles. You've then continued to reach out to her even when she has not reciprocated this, and given space when required to help her to cope with what she is going through.

It is a shame that she doesn't seem to be thinking so deeply about your feelings, and your needs, and it sounds like she has not done that for quite a while, which I imagine is very draining and upsetting for you.

It's a shame as well that you are being a bit pressured by your family to repair a rift which was not created through any malicious behaviour on your part, and really shouldn't have become so much of a rift in the first place.

At this point I think you've done enough to support her, and you are now perfectly entitled to focus on yourself, and your baby, and spend time with people who would like to support you as much as you support them.

I've name changed as this is quite outing.

My sister discovered she had breast cancer the day after I returned home with my second child. The subsequent chemotherapy brought on an early menopause and all attempts at IVF etc eventually failed.

Yet I don't think I have ever seen her bitter about me having children while she didn't. We live in different cities, but we're very close and she is the most fantastic auntie to my children, who adore her.

It helps that she lives in London and a lot of her friends happened to choose careers over children, but I think mainly she just has the emotional intelligence to rise above it and focus on other positives.

YANBU.