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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

488 replies

Raella50 · 15/02/2019 09:37

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Blackbear10 · 15/02/2019 13:06

I really don’t get why the sister has to have anything to do with the baby?

Just because a person has had a child it doesn’t mean anyone else has to be remotely interested. It also doesn’t stop you from being a seperate person, you’re not just a baby maker who now has the baby like a second limb you are still an individual. It doesn’t mean anyone else has to want anything to do with your baby.

If my friend wanted to meet as adults without my hypothetical baby then that’s absolutely fine! Either I go because I want to see my friend and I’m able to leave baby for a bit or I’m not able to leave baby so I explain if she wants to see me my baby has to come because of x,y or z.
Just because I have baby doesn’t mean I can’t have a life without him for a hour or so.

To say your sister accepts you with the baby or not at all is massively dramatic and pretty self centered, your baby means a lot to you but not so much to others and that’s ok.
Now if you physically cannot be away from baby then sure you’ll have to explain and see your sister when baby is able to be left.

You sister is perfectly entitled to say she doesn’t want to see your baby. I don’t want to see my DH DM, so I don’t.

outpinked · 15/02/2019 13:07

I haven’t been through fertility problems but did have two missed miscarriages a couple of years ago and I would have been the same as your sister.

It may seem petty, rude or immature but I could not handle even seeing a baby or pregnant woman in public for a fair few months. It used to absolutely crush me. I did have to remove anyone pregnant or with a baby from my social media because I couldn’t cope with it.

You will likely represent everything she currently resents. It’s actually nothing personal, I’m sure she is like this with anyone who has a baby.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 13:07

I've given the underpinnings of my perspective on this thread twice, I haven't tried to hide it: I've been on both sides of this situation (I gave more details in my two previous posts where I said this) and I have no doubt that I'm projecting some of my own feelings onto it. Your emotions just seem so strong - 'spoilt little brat'? 'Grow the fuck up'? You seem so angry at someone that we know very little about (and all we do know is from the perspective of someone else).

Cheby · 15/02/2019 13:08

@Lottapianos

Right. Mothers are the only ones who matter and all must bow down and bask in their glory hmm. 'Dealing with a new born ' - bloody lucky her! I'm sure some of you pat yourselves on the back at your marvellous powers of empathy, being mothers and all. The irony.

This is the giddy limit. It really is.

Birth and looking after newborns can be horrendous for some people. I had a traumatic first birth which included assault and resulted in long lasting injury. I had PTSD and crippling PND. A baby with major feeding issues and weight loss who screamed from colic for 3 solid months and didn’t sleep. I was very close to walking out in front of a bus on a number of occasions, and was medicated for a long time. And my experience, sadly, is not unique. Even without the physical and MH issues those first few months can be incredibly challenging.

Lucky me eh? Thank fuck my sister was a halfway decent human being and didn’t abandon me when I needed it. I’m lucky though. That’s good to know.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 13:08

Only someone with low self esteem and low self worth would put up with shitty behaviour from people

You’re strangely invested in my personality.

I’m willing to talk through situations with people and accept apologies. On my terms. That’s how life works, rather than the puerile assumption that one incident of bad behaviour is an absolute.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 13:09

@SerenDippity

There are some fucking horrible callous comments on here.

I was thrilled when my brother told me he was going to be a dad, but by that time I'd long given up fertility treatment. Had it happened when I was still trying I would probably have felt very differently.

So if your brother had said he was going to be a dad when YOU were trying to conceive, you would not have been thrilled, but full of anger and resentment?

Wow.

And you call others callous and horrible!

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 13:11

@JacquesHammer

You’re strangely invested in my personality.

I’m willing to talk through situations with people and accept apologies. On my terms. That’s how life works, rather than the puerile assumption that one incident of bad behaviour is an absolute.

You are strangely insecure to allow people to treat you like shit and continue a 'friendship' with these people.

Have you sought help for it?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 13:11

I'd also like to point out, again that OP hasn't tried to make contact with the sister in the best part of a year. We have no idea what the sister does and doesn't know about the OP's pregnancy, birth, how much support she needs now - and, it would seem, nor does the OP.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 13:13

@Lisasimpsonsbff

Time for you to step away from the thread if it's upsetting you.

ElspethFlashman · 15/02/2019 13:13

I really don’t get why the sister has to have anything to do with the baby?

Because it's way beyond that. It's gone to not acknowledging her nephews very existence in the world.

Who gets that pass?

Send a damn card!

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 13:14

*You are strangely insecure to allow people to treat you like shit and continue a 'friendship' with these people.

Have you sought help for it?*

As an aside, I mentioned to another poster earlier that despite turning off notifications I still get them. I’m reading the thread, please could you not @ me. Thanks

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 13:16

Time for you to step away from the thread if it's upsetting you.

I didn't say it was? It probably would have before I was lucky enough to have DS. Now I find the lack of empathy in some of the posts a bit depressing, and the certainty of some posters based on one quite vague OP a bit baffling, but I'm not personally hurt by it. But I didn't say I was upset - I asked why you were so angry. Which you didn't answer.

SerenDippitty · 15/02/2019 13:16

*So if your brother had said he was going to be a dad when YOU were trying to conceive, you would not have been thrilled, but full of anger and resentment?

Wow.

And you call others callous and horrible!*

Not anger and resentment no. I just would have found it much harder to deal with.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 13:16

@JacquesHammer

It's very telling that you don't like to hear my comments.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 13:17

Why are YOU so angry and techy @lisasimpsonsbff ?

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 13:18

It's very telling that you don't like to hear my comments

You’re making yourself look great...

As I said (do you need me to repeat) I’m reading the thread. Ergo I’m seeing your comments. Other posters didn’t seem to find it a difficult request and we carried on the conversation quite nicely.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 13:18

Hmm... Personally I would try my hardest to at least send a card and come for a short visit for the sake of my sister.

However, that being said, I have struggled with infertility (still am) and I can't even explain to you the heart breaking feeling of hearing someone close to you is pregnant, watching them go through all the things you want so badly.

It may sound selfish and I hear you honestly but our minds are such cruel things and I imagine, if my own experience is anything to go by, your sister is in absolute turmoil right now.

I have never and possibly will never again, experience something as difficult as infertility. It's annoying when people say this about everything but really you can't understand at all until you've been there. You aren't always yourself and sometimes you don't think rationally. It's a self preservation reaction.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 13:21

A baby is not always a great great joy. PND, exhaustion etc

Trust me, someone suffering from infertility will never see it this way. To me, having a child was all that was going to save my life.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 13:25

@LottaPianos

Right. Mothers are the only ones who matter and all must bow down and bask in their glory 'Dealing with a new born ' - bloody lucky her! I'm sure some of you pat yourselves on the back at your marvellous powers of empathy, being mothers and all. The irony.

I agree with @cheby That is probably the ugliest post on here.

As well as being fucking ignorant and nasty. And how bitter you sound.

Deadbudgie · 15/02/2019 13:27

Actually in all honesty wouldn't you be better just getting on with your life OP. Your sister does not have to be part of your son's life. Yes you might need your sister, but it sounds like your sister is in a place where she has decided that in order to protect her mental health she cant interact with your son.

Unless you have decided not to, procreation is one of the main driving forces for any animal - humans included. there is a driving force that is all consuming that is normally sated in a few months for most, but this can turn to true desperation if that most fundamental drive to have children is not met. Its not merely yearning after what others have its a driving force of life for many.

Your sister is in self preservation mode. She has decided to (hopefully temporarily) withdraw from your relationship. Maybe just respect that, you don't have a right to expect her in your life as sad as that might be for you.

Its not where you thought your relationship with your sister would ever be. But she probably never thought she would be without a child.

Sometime life gets in the way and we need to stop trying to mould it to fit back into what we imagined it to be

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 13:30

You, on the other hand, redandyellow, are a genuine treat I see you've resorted to berating other posters for being 'upset' and 'angry'. What next- 'hysterical'?

And yes I get sick and tired of the suggestion that only mothers are allowed to suffer and to take care of themselves. Some of you have no clue what the OP's sister is going through and don't seem remotely interested in trying to understand. Nasty indeed

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 13:34

If she's can't be bothered to communicate her issues then she has no right to moan that no one is understanding her.

didihearthatright123456 · 15/02/2019 13:37

Ok I haven't read the whole thread, but I do not think you are being unreasonable at all.

I've had 5 rounds of IVF and am now luckily 28 weeks pregnant with twins. I know that everyone is different but I have always been happy for my friends and family when they have had children. Yes I have sobbed at home on my DH shoulder at the unfairness of it all, I have sobbed when on my own but you know what, I've always known that my family & friends have wanted nothing more than to see us have a family.

The amount of pleasure I get from nieces, nephews & friends children is so great that I can't imagine not having experienced that.

I really do feel for your sister, lots of people have already mentioned that if you haven't been through infertility/IVF you really have absolutely no idea how harrowing and heartbreaking it is, but it does sound like you have been very supportive.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 13:39

Trust me, someone suffering from infertility will never see it this way. To me, having a child was all that was going to save my life

And like anything else in life. Until someone lives it they can't understand how awful it can really be.

It's easy to say babies are wonderful. Another to live with it.

Fullofregrets33 · 15/02/2019 13:40

I don't agree with most people on here. I think your sister is behaving appallingly and so are the rest of your family.
You are entitled to have a child. You are entitled to be happy about your child and show him off to your family.
Regardless of her issues which may be life long i think its despicable to treat you and your child this way and if it was my sister I'm afraid that would be it for me.
In the future if she had a child and decided to then contact you i wouldnt be interested. I wouldn't be able to forgive and forget. I think you need to concentrate on your own little family now

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