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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

488 replies

Raella50 · 15/02/2019 09:37

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do. Sad

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 15/02/2019 12:05

Perhaps your sister is trying to self preserve, infertility is an awful thing. I think what a lot of people are forgetting here is that, having a baby can be extremely stressful and tip that with you dsis abandoning you and ignoring you, and your family taking her side over it, could have a very negative impact on the OPs mental health. No one seems to be bothered about that though.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 12:06

I could never forgive her for it

What bizarre thinking. I never have time for adults who throw around comments like that. That’s the realm of 14 year olds.

WhatNow40 · 15/02/2019 12:08

I was ttc for 5 yrs, 2 rounds of IVF. In that time, close friends got married, pregnant, had 2 kids and also got divorced. I managed someone who had an abortion and could not trust HR to keep it confidential, so I was literally the only person who knew. It didn't go to well and she needed further treatment. Other people I knew but didn't like also got pregnant.

I didn't resent or feel negative towards any of them. They each got what they wanted. It was hard for all of them.

Your sister is being an arse and other people pandering to her isn't helping. She lives in a world where people get pregnant and she can't hide from that. If she cannot speak to you or see your child then she needs serious help. Meet her for coffee without the baby, once. Suggest she speaks to her IVF clinic about specialist infertility counselling.

Congratulations and don't let this ruin such a special time for you and your baby. Thanks

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 12:09

What bizarre thinking. I never have time for adults who throw around comments like that. That’s the realm of 14 year olds.

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 12:09

'OP has had a difficult birth, is dealing with a newborn and has been completely abandoned by her sister'

Right. Mothers are the only ones who matter and all must bow down and bask in their glory Hmm. 'Dealing with a new born ' - bloody lucky her!

I'm sure some of you pat yourselves on the back at your marvellous powers of empathy, being mothers and all. The irony.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 12:09

I had a slightly different experience. I was part of a group of 7 friends, we all got pregnant for the second time within a few months. 6 of them went on to have a baby, I didn’t.

They stopped answering my calls, inviting me out, inviting my DD to play etc. I assumed it was to “protect me”. Turns out it wasn’t, one said I would “bring the group down” and “remind everyone what could go wrong”. She’d had a difficult first pregnancy and was terrified.

We all make mistakes when we’re hurting. Judging people on those mistakes is unkind.

We all remain friends.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 12:10

What bizarre thinking. I never have time for adults who throw around comments like that. That’s the realm of 14 year olds.

What a bizarre post. Accusing people of being childish for not accepting people treating them like shit.

That's the realm of immature passive-aggressive manipulative bullying.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 12:11

@Lottapianos no let's just ignore the horrors of PND and the effects that a traumatic birth can have on a woman. Screw them all.

The OP has literally done nothing to her sister. Caused her no harm. Yet she should be the one going back on bended knee begging.

Spikeyball · 15/02/2019 12:11

The OPs baby isn't a newborn.
Reading some of the comments on here it is like being back in the playground.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 12:12

Accusing people of being childish for not accepting people treating them like shit

As I said, I accept people make mistakes when they’re hurting and need to look after themselves. That’s part of forgiveness.

swingofthings · 15/02/2019 12:13

could have a very negative impact on the OPs mental health
My MH was seriously affected after my DD was born but the pain was nothing, absolutely nothing compared to that experienced with infertility.

Of course infertile people will face this pajlin differently. Many things are at stake. How serious it is, ie. Is there still a chance to concieve naturally va no chance, how old you are - it's a much more desperate state of being the older you are and the worse the chance of success, and whether it is funded by the nhs or you have put yourself at serious debt as a result.

There could be other factors at stake too, for instance, OP being the one with all the luck whilst her sister always got the raw deal.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 12:13

And what if she's still hurting in 6 months, a year? What if she never has a child?

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 12:13

I never said that OP should be begging. I fully understand why she's feeling hurt and sad. In fact, she seems to have a more nuanced understanding of the situation than many posters on here, who think that the sister has no right to any feelings at all because BABY

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 12:13

The OP has literally done nothing to her sister. Caused her no harm. Yet she should be the one going back on bended knee begging.

No one has said that - including the OP's family.

Right now OP has two choices: she either reaches out to her sister or she accepts that there is no contact between them. She might well hope for a third option - that the sister spontaneously reaches out to her and apologises - but she can't make that happen.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 12:13

@Contraceptionismyfriend

EXACTLY. Let's just treat women who have had a baby like shit because other women can't have them.

Jesus wept. Hmm

@Spikeyball

Reading some of the comments on here it is like being back in the playground.

ODFOD.

swingofthings · 15/02/2019 12:15

The OP has literally done nothing to her sister. Caused her no harm
Well to be fair we don't know that. For all we know she was very unsympathetic when she announced her pregnancy. Maybe she said she didn't care for children and would have an abortion if she fell pregnant. Probably not, but we just don't know.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 12:16

Maybe I'm being very stupid, but can someone please explain to me why simply not contacting someone is 'treating them like shit'? And why the sister is treating the OP like shit by not spontaneously contacting her, but the OP is not treating the sister like shit by not spontaneously contacting her?

Outnumbered1225 · 15/02/2019 12:17

Infertility seems to be given a higher status of 'worth' in terms of how sad you're allowed to be, and how you can act towards other people.

Whilst this is phrased quite bluntly, I do find this to be true. When I was planning my wedding several friends/close family weddings were also happening. I was abused by my father for years, so obviously he was not at my wedding, didn’t give me away. I found this incredibly difficult, yet friends kept telling me how excited their DFs were to proudly give their daughters away, it went on for months, hearing all about how their fathers were going above and beyond for them. I had to sit through father of the bride speeches and I found this so hard. But I never said anything or made it about me as they had the right to be happy.
Years down the line I now have 3 children and some of the couples who got married around the same time as me have had fertility problems. I have been made to feel so guilty for the fact I haven’t struggled to have children like they have. Everyone has troubles and difficulties in life but when you care about someone, I.e. the OP and her sister, you find ways to rise above and be supportive even when it can be difficult. It sounds like the OP has done her best to be considerate and supportive and whilst it must be hard for her, I do think the sister is being unfair.

diplodocusinermine · 15/02/2019 12:17

Lisa, as previously stated the OP has tried several times to contact the sister. It's in her opening post.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 12:17

As far as I see: we have two people who haven't contacted each other in the best part of a year. One of them wants to change that (the OP). We don't know if the other does or doesn't. Doesn't it make sense for OP to try reaching out, as her family suggests?

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 12:17

If you need it EXPLAINING why the OP is being treated like shit, (by her sister AND her family)then there really is no helping you!

flooredbored · 15/02/2019 12:18

I wouldn't meet her. To not acknowledge your own nephew for 4 months is poor behaviour.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 12:24

Good post @Outnumbered1255

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 12:25

Good posts from @flooredboored and @diplo too

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 12:27

I had a baby. I didn’t expect anyone else to be interested. Lovely if they were, didn’t affect my relationship with them if not.