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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

488 replies

Raella50 · 15/02/2019 09:37

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do. Sad

OP posts:
trancepants · 15/02/2019 11:40

Wow imagine the sister prioritising her own mental health during one of the worst periods of her life. What a selfish cow! Or you know, what a normal human being doing what she needs to survive while she is hurting. What the actual fuck is wrong with everyone who can't see that.

I struggled with fertility issues and it was sheer hell. When I was finally, successfully pregnant I tried my best to recognise that other women I knew, who were still dealing with infertility, were still in pain and I acted with respect to that. And I can tell you that having consideration for their feeling cost me absolutely nothing at all. It didn't diminish my joy in my son. It didn't and doesn't take from my happiness at his life. If my friends who can not have children can't be part of his life or can only have very minimal involvement, that's ok. Well actually it's not ok, it is awful that they are still hurting and I wish they weren't, but it doesn't cause any personal pain to me or DS. If they still want to be my friend and not be in his, that's understandable.

And yes, it's different with a friend and a sister. But you can give her time, let her come around to it. And be a part of her life without your son for a little bit. It doesn't really diminish anything for you. Sure it would be great if she was just happy for you, but she can't be, so just bask in the pure happiness of other people, while allowing her to do what she is comfortable with and not damage her own mental health so you can enjoy even more happiness.

diplodocusinermine · 15/02/2019 11:40

Lisa 'She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that'.

OP has obviously made many calls which have gone unanswered

ElspethFlashman · 15/02/2019 11:41

I’m going through similar with my sister, only my ds is 18 months and she still hasn’t acknowledged him or met him

Im sorry but that's so fucked up. I hear all of you saying infertility destroys you, but not even acknowledging a person's existence? This child is a member of her family, how long do they get a pass at pretending he doesn't even exist?! Theres literally no excuse for that.

Drogosnextwife · 15/02/2019 11:42

Being infertile doesn’t give her a pass to treat you and your son like crap. How long do you allow her then? 5 years? 10 years?

^this

You have been there for your dsis for a long time and supported her. She is being selfish if she can't put aside her feelings for a few hours to meet your child and support you, or at least act like your sister for a while.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 11:42

@JacquesHammer

No I WOULDN'T be 'excited about my sister getting pregnant after several years of infertility' if she had been an utter bitch to me because I had kids before her, acted like my kids don't exist, and got our family to side with her!

Have your passive aggressive Confused smiley back!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 11:43

Lisa 'She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that'.

OP has obviously made many calls which have gone unanswered

But she says that was when she first found out she was pregnant and now her son is a few months old. People are making it sound like OP is continually reaching out and being rebuffed, but it must be the best part of a year since either of them tried to make contact.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 11:45

she had been an utter bitch to me because I had kids before her, acted like my kids don't exist, and got our family to side with her!

I just don't see how the sister is 'being an utter bitch' by not calling. I sometimes go ages between contacting friends, and I feel a bit bad about it but I don't think I'm somehow abusing them by not calling. Again, the sister isn't doing anything actively nasty - she's just not initiating contact.

Grosserygangrule · 15/02/2019 11:47

I Went through this with my best friend, who was like a sister, she ignored me refused to acknowledge my son and actively tried to cause trouble in my marriage. If ever I mentioned ds she would be rude and snide, frankly my empathy for her seriously waned. I understood she was upset, I had fertility issues as well however her feels did not get to trump mine or treat me like shit.

She went on to have a child and I was happy for her, she has apologised as she realises how hurtful she was and how hurt she would be if anyone had behaved how she did towards her son and although I forgiven her, the relationship has never quite recovered.

Somethings are hard to come back from, but don’t pretend your son doesn’t exist, post photos etc.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 11:47

@AuntieCJ

OP has done nothing wrong and shouldn't be made to feel guilty by her family for having a baby.

Leave your sister to stew. Don't pander to her by meeting her without your son. It won't help in the long term. She is being utterly self obsessed.

This. ^

As a number of posters have said, her struggling to conceive doesn't give her a free pass to be a twat to people who have kids.

As I said, she will want the OP to be excited when she DOES get pregnant. Personally, if I was the OP, I would wait for my sister to get pregnant, and then ghost her. And the rest of the passive aggressive fuckers who are siding with her. Fuck em!

I have spent too many years dealing with people like the OP's sister - friends AND extended family - and I have quite happily ghosted them, and am better off without their toxic presence in my life. Wink

diplodocusinermine · 15/02/2019 11:48

But not to acknowledge your sister has had a baby? That's way beyond not initiating contact. How many times is OP supposed to try? She has said she had a difficult birth and has been unwell, and for her sister to maintain radio silence seems a bit much.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/02/2019 11:48

I sometimes go ages between contacting friends yes because thats exactly the same as your sister having a baby and not contacting her.

lily2403 · 15/02/2019 11:48

*LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

I've struggled with fertility myself. It is incredibly difficult. But your sis is behaving really badly - are you really saying you've barely seen her since you got pg, she hasn't met her nephew or offered you any support after a difficult birth? Where's your mother in all this, because frankly your sister needs a little bit of a (supportive) reset on this.

I'm also a bit shock that your whole family is turning this on you, poor thing. I hope they're also supporting you?*

^ this here

I'm struggling at the moment and a third friend is about to give birth...i know its hard but its not my friends fault that they are having no problems and i am...don't get me wrong after i visit their bundles of joy i have a cry but i wouldn't ghost them for it.

i really hope you can work it out with your sister but YANBU to be upset that this is happening to you and your son

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 11:49

@LisaSimpsonsbff

Are you the OP's sister?

OhDiddums · 15/02/2019 11:49

I understand both sides. I'm dealing with my own problems getting pregnant. It's hard and sometimes it is difficult to deal with pregnancies and babies. It is hard and there's nothing wrong with your sister having says where she can't deal with babies or pregnant women but I think just ignoring you is not helping the issue. I do think if she can't meet your baby right now and she's not strong enough for that right now then she could just say. I think you should just be patient your sister will come round and things will change. She's not angry or upset with you or your son she's angry at her situation. As hard as it may be, don't take it personally.

💐

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 11:50

But she says that was when she first found out she was pregnant and now her son is a few months old. People are making it sound like OP is continually reaching out and being rebuffed, but it must be the best part of a year since either of them tried to make contact.

The OP made repeated attempts. It's no longer her responsibility to try and save the relationship

SoupDragon · 15/02/2019 11:50

Are you the OP's sister?

Lol. That's a ridiculous suggestion.

I can't see where the OP says she made loads of calls or attempts at contact at all.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 15/02/2019 11:51

OP, while I get this is upsetting, don't be egged on by some of the less compassionate responses on here. The fact is that you are the one with the great, great joy of a baby, and she is the one without, and as such it behoves you to be generous and forgiving.
I've had recurrent mc (a total of 6) interspersed with live births and that was hard enough. The pain of infertility and/or mc without ever getting a live baby is beyond my imagining, frankly. It's a genuine and often unacknowledged grief.

How old is your baby? A 'few months' implies he's old enough, even if bf, to be left with his father or gm for an hour while you have a coffee with your sister.

swingofthings · 15/02/2019 11:53

The key question here is what hurts you most? That you haven't seen your sister for a long time and miss her or that you desperately want to show your baby?

I get the feeling from the first post that it is more Theclatter as you mention rejected your child. I expe t your sister knows that so she herself feels very hurt that you want her most to acknowledge your luck at being a mum rather than to spend time with her. That's probably why your family is sid8ng with her and suggesting meeting with her without your baby which you don't want to do because for you it's about your baby rather than your sisterhood relationship.

I understand how you feel. When you become a mum, you get this huge sense of pride that you want to share with the people you are closest too, but that is exaclt what she is likely dreading. Go and meet with her, once, twice, three times if needed and you can bet she's the one who will then say she can't wait to meet her nephew.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 11:56

No, I'm not - I did struggle to have a baby, so will acknowledge that affects my view. However, I also have a baby presumably not much older than OPs, and a friend who found my pregnancy difficult to be around because of her own fertility struggles, so I have been on both sides of this.

I just think this could sound quite different from the sister. OP doesn't actually say she ever contacted her sister when her DS was born - obviously her sister knows, but if OP didn't call or text to announce she may feel like she's the one being cut out, not vice versa.

I also think the widespread idea on this thread that not contacting someone is a deliberate act of nastiness is unfair. When I was struggling with my SIL's pregnancy I genuinely agonised over whether it was more selfish to go to events like her baby shower if there was a chance I'd get upset and so potentially ruin it than it was to just not go at all (for the record, I did go and managed to keep a smile on throughout - but I was so scared that I'd just burst into tears and then I would have made it all about me and upset her). People are acting like the sister is sending the OP texts saying 'fuck you and your stupid baby'. She's not, she's just not actively reaching out to OP.

I do think that the sister should have sent a card - and in an ideal world she should have rung, too. But I think a lot of people on this thread are projecting nastiness that may or may not be there, but they're taking as definite.

JellyBaby666 · 15/02/2019 11:58

Reach out. Your son surely can be without for an hour so you can have a chat with your sister about her and her life? I can't even imagine how hard it is for her, infertility is a bitch. Not saying it's okay for her to not meet your son, but I think you have to be gracious, acknowledge your incredibly lucky, and arrange a baby free hour for a coffee.

Cheby · 15/02/2019 12:02

Infertility doesn’t give you an excuse to be a fucking awful person to your own family. OP’s sister has struggled with infertility, which OP has supported her with. OP has had a difficult birth, is dealing with a newborn and has been completely abandoned by her sister. I could never forgive her for it.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 12:02

The fact is that you are the one with the great, great joy of a baby, and she is the one without, and as such it behoves you to be generous and forgiving

That is a lovely sentiment.

Bear2014 · 15/02/2019 12:04

I definitely think you should meet her for an hour without your baby - apart from anything, babies make it hard to concentrate on any conversation. But going forward after that, she will have to accept that you have a child and acknowledge him, or you just won't be able to have a relationship.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 12:04

@Cheby

Infertility doesn’t give you an excuse to be a fucking awful person to your own family. OP’s sister has struggled with infertility, which OP has supported her with. OP has had a difficult birth, is dealing with a newborn and has been completely abandoned by her sister. I could never forgive her for it.

100&% this. ^

What a lovely sentiment. Smile

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 12:04

The fact is that you are the one with the great, great joy of a baby, and she is the one without, and as such it behoves you to be generous and forgiving

No. A baby is not always a great great joy. PND, exhaustion etc

We don't know how the OPs past few months have been.

The fact OP gave birth does not force her to allow her SIL to treat her in this awful way and then for her just to sweep it all under the rug.