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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

488 replies

Raella50 · 15/02/2019 09:37

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do. Sad

OP posts:
explodingkitten · 15/02/2019 15:41

I'm not going to choose a side here because that won't actually help with the situation. Your sister is clearly suffering and you're in a difficult position too.

My advice is to meet with her alone and tell her that you love her and you love your son and you'd like to think of a way for these two people that you love so much to get to know each other in the future. Maybe you can find a way together to slowly get familiar with each other. Maybe you can suggest to send 1 picture a week on a certain day via whatsapp, that way she can put you on ignore on a bad day and look on a more quiet day. Maybe you can increase this to little films of your son (after discussing this with her) and build up to a five minute visit where she has the understanding of being able to walk away at any time with no hard feelings. She diesn't have to give him any attention at first, just start with being in the same room and build up from that.

I think that it will help if she has as much as possible control over the situation. She knows that she can't avoid him forever, but she's probably at a loss with how to do this and protect herself mentally. It would require for you to not get upset if she needs a time out when seeing you.

sillysmiles · 15/02/2019 15:41

@CornishMaid1 - yup failed IVF this week too. I've been very careful about who I talk to and what I talk about this week. It's self preservation and the grief is hard.
Unfortunately the closer the person is to you the harder it is.
Pregnant strangers in the street no problem - family announcing their pregnancy this week was heartbreaking. And that is no ones fault. It is just the way it is.

brassbrass · 15/02/2019 15:44

I liked the statement earlier - stepping away from the relationship was ok but that she couldn't just walk back in when it suited her. The trouble with acting like this is imagining that people are travelling on your timeline and that they will fit in when it suits you. It's a very self centered way of looking at life. The sister may come out of her current turmoil only to find she has permanently damaged her relationship. It's ok to have FEELINGS but it's not ok to ACT on them. She could have behaved differently and people around her should be encouraging her to behave differently because that makes for a healthier long term outcome whether or not she goes on to have her own baby.

SerenDippitty · 15/02/2019 15:46

I found it hard when work colleagues announced their pregnancies too all that oohing and aahing and fuss and being made to feel special that I knew I was never going to get.

Stcatherine · 15/02/2019 15:46

No its nobody's fault but I can totally empathise with what that lady is going through it is so isolating and changes you in every way.
I know because I am still suffering now from past infertility. Sometimes it's easier to protect your sanity by staying away and for people to come on here saying thry must have been horrible people anyway is disgusting.

Iwanttobeanonymous · 15/02/2019 15:49

I'm really glad that no one in real life knows I'm going through IVF

There's a lot to be said for keeping some things private.

People only know about our successful pregnancy, not what it it took get there and that's how it's staying.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 15:49

stepping away from the relationship was ok but that she couldn't just walk back in when it suited her. The trouble with acting like this is imagining that people are travelling on your timeline and that they will fit in when it suits you. It's a very self centered way of looking at life.

But we don't know that she is going to want to step back into the relationship, and nor does OP. The only one who currently wants the relationship to fit in around their own needs is the OP, who wants the support of her sister at this time. Which isn't unreasonable or wrong of her, but you're acting as if it's the other way round and it's the sister who wants the support. She hasn't asked for anything, she's just disengaged.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 15:52

I don’t understand why people are focussing in OP’s enjoyment of her baby being so wrapped up in her sister.

When I had my baby, sure it was great when people wanted to visit: if they didn’t that was fine too. My joy was in my baby, not who else shared that joy.

If you’re taking the line that OP’s sister should “suck it up”, why aren’t we saying OP should “suck it up” and enjoy her baby without her sister?

Some of the responses on this thread are proof of how little credence infertility is actually given and why people simply want to distance themselves rather than talking about it.

Fabaunt · 15/02/2019 15:52

I want to ask all of you again whether any of you would say this stuff to someone suffering from depression or mental health?
I am saying it as someone who had a sleeping baby. I understand the hurt but I also understand you cannot expect others to walk on eggshells around you.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/02/2019 15:54

Unless youve had fertility issues yourself you can never know what its like. It is so hard when people announce pregnancies even sisters and best friends. Dont give up on her

I get that BUT having a deep grief , does this allow you to be selfish and hurt people ?

It reads like that’s OK on here . I feel for both of them but she is hurting her sister deeply here

Stcatherine · 15/02/2019 15:56

Her sis is possibly going through unimaginable torment that she can't control.
It's true that some women cope quite well but there is a awful lot that can't and you can't label them as awful people. Infertility is the bloody hardest thing out there to deal with.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 15:57

I'm sorry to hear that FabAunt.

I also understand you cannot expect others to walk on eggshells around you

The OPs sister hasn't asked for or expected anything though. She just hasn't been in contact.

Also Brass, whilst I agree there are better ways to deal with things which would be more beneficial to OPs sister too in the long run, what I'm saying is you can't expect someone who is going through what she is to think as rationally as you or I. It doesn't work that way. OPs sister may believe she's absolutely making the right call at the moment even though in reality perhaps she isn't.

Your mind isn't as simple as 'grow up and get on with it' or 'find better coping strategies, there you go all fixed'. It isn't that simple.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 15:57

get that BUT having a deep grief , does this allow you to be selfish and hurt people?

Of course not, but I don't think that not spontaneously contacting a sister who may have sent the final text message, but who also hasn't contacted you in months and months, is being selfish and hurting people. If the sister was trying to have OP excluded from events, making nasty comments or in any other way actively trying to hurt OP my answer would be different, but I don't think just doing nothing is actively hurting someone.

Stcatherine · 15/02/2019 15:57

It's out of thier control stop.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 15:58

does this allow you to be selfish and hurt people

It doesn't make it right but it makes it understandable and worthy of sympathy to me.

Stcatherine · 15/02/2019 15:59

You can't control the bitterness, hurt etc.
You feel very very isolated like everyone is cooing over the baby and new mother and nobody is there for you.

Stcatherine · 15/02/2019 16:00

Trust me she is feeling much much worse than her sis.

Stcatherine · 15/02/2019 16:01

Infertility your the forgotten one

brassbrass · 15/02/2019 16:02

The sister hasn't even acknowledged the baby. Zilch. Baby arrived months ago.

A mere card would have sufficed. No physical contact necessary. No one's asking for a fanfare here and basic etiquette would have saved a lot of hurt and damage. Just plain ignoring the whole thing is a weird option to choose when there are other choices available.

Stcatherine · 15/02/2019 16:06

It's bloody hard even buying a baby card and gift sometimes.
I am going through this and I find the easiest way is for to just pass on the card and gift without seeing anybody.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 16:06

A mere card would have sufficed. No physical contact necessary.

I absolutely agree that it would have been much better if the sister had sent a card but it's far from clear that it would have sufficed - OP talks about support and wanting to be visited and wanting a relationship between her sister and her DS. Clearly a card would have been better than nothing, but it wouldn't necessarily have been enough.

Stcatherine · 15/02/2019 16:07

Even when I was looking through the baby wear it was hurting me so much.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 16:08

Just plain ignoring the whole thing is a weird option to choose when there are other choices available

You can’t ascribe what would be a usual or reasonable course of action in someone who was thinking clearly, to someone who is in the very midst of suffering.

It’s so, so easy to say what people should be doing when you’re not in the middle of phone calls and letters and doctors appointments and invasive and undignified tests and treatments.

Lizzie48 · 15/02/2019 16:09

Infertility is really hard. I've been there through being unable to conceive, tests, 2 cycles of IUI, 1 cycle of IVF, and then being told it wouldn't happen. Then we applied to adopt and DD1 came to live with us (aged 1) 7 years after we started trying to conceive.

It was torture. Friends, SIL and then DSis all getting pregnant and having babies. It hurt. But I learnt not to spoil the moment for those people I cared about. Because it's possible to be happy for someone you love, even while you're still hurting yourself.

Your DSis will be hurting, no doubt about that. But that doesn't change the fact that she's had time to adjust now and she should be able to be happy for you, and that should include seeing your baby.

At the end of the day, pretending your baby doesn't exist isn't going to make her feel any better.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 16:09

Just plain ignoring the whole thing is a weird option to choose when there are other choices available

You are again failing to appreciate how someone suffering in this way can act illogically. She may see this as the only way of protecting herself right now.

It's so incredibly easy to sit there, having not experienced this woman's grief, and say she should have done this or that, there are so many better ways to behave. Yes there are, but she's clearly not her normal self right now is she! She could be unable to think rationally about this like you, an outsider, can. Why can't you understand that?