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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

488 replies

Raella50 · 15/02/2019 09:37

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 15:10

Instead of justifying the behaviour you could also think this is unhealthy and untenable so she needs to figure out another way of dealing with it because if she doesn't she's just going to hurt herself and her family even more in the process.

But all these replies are sort of acting like the sister has posted asking for advice. She hasn't, OP has. OP can't make her sister magically change her mind and reach out to her. OP can either reach out to her sister, or stick with the current situation (them not talking). Telling her that her sister should be doing something different so OP doesn't have to make that decision isn't actually very helpful.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 15:11

Dear god. She hasn't made it all about her. She hasn't turned up screaming and ranting and raving. She has decided to quietly distance herself at a time of great pain and possibly shame and loneliness too. Maybe she feels that her pain will not be understood by others which judging by many of the responses on this thread is a fairly good guess on her part

And of course it’s quite possible that if she did turn up, it would become “all about her” anyway as people try to avoid hurting her feelings instead of - quite rightly - focusing on the new mother.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 15:12

She'll have a hard time stepping out of her front door then or having any relationships with friends and family who have children. What a ridiculous attitude to adopt. Is there really no other alternative?! She might as well barricade herself in her house and change all her settings on media devices so she never sees a woman with a baby 🙄

Again, I have to ask if you are being purposefully obtuse.

YES she likely will have a hard time with everything you described above.

YES I'm sure there have been times she has wanted to barricade herself indoors so she doesn't have to see a pregnant woman including right now probably.

There are so many small and seemingly silly (to the outside world) things that I did when I was going through it. I refused to watch films with babies in or where the theme may include a woman giving birth, I would stop watching my favourite TV programmes if one of the characters had a baby, I would block people on Facebook who announced a pregnancy or cross the road because of a heavily pregnant woman coming past.

Was it irrational? Yes. Am I proud of it? No. Did I realise any of that at the time? No absolutely not, my head was all over the place. These are all things I felt I had to do to save myself and my mind at a time when I wasn't myself.

It clearly doesn't make sense to you and I hope that it's because you've never experienced infertility because I wouldn't wish it on anyone but don't act as if intense and raw emotions cant make people behave in irrational ways.

It's very very easy to come here and say I wouldn't or would do x y or z in that situation but you have no idea how you would act or react in a situation until you've been in it.

Loopytiles · 15/02/2019 15:12

Given the past close relationship I think I would try to set aside my sadness and disappointment about her decisions about contact with me and my DC.

I’d seek to re-establish contact, eg by phone, avoid much discussion of DS, and seek to meet up with her without him, unless the time/distance involved made that difficult.

I did this with a close friend who was going through infertility when I had DC1. Maintained “low key” contact, eg cards for birthdays, texts. We lived a long time / distance away. She didn’t want to meet up with me (without my DC) until she was heavily pregnant, and the first meeting was very awkward! Our DHs kept in touch and organised it, with the four of us. It took around 5 years (!) until the relationship felt reasonably comfortable again. Had she not been able to have DC I’m sure the friendship would have ended.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 15:16

She has no right to make another woman’s pregnancy all about her

What planet are you on? She hasn't done this at all!

I want to ask all of you again whether any of you would say this stuff to someone suffering from depression or mental health?

Please answer me. Because the way the sister is acting in combination with what she has gone through suggests it is entirely possible that she is going through very real mental struggles right now.

brassbrass · 15/02/2019 15:18

I'm not telling OP what her sister should be doing I'm saying it to the people who are justifying the sister's behaviour. Life is full of challenges you can't act like this just because it didn't happen for you. That behaviour is punishing the OP and her baby which to my mind is pretty warped. Ok to be gutted not ok to act like the sister is. She could have sent a card and asked for time, she could have asked to meet without the baby, she could have done any number of more grown up things than act like a dick and spoil someone else's special time.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 15:19

I find it incredibly sad too that on a site full of wonderful, funny, smart and caring women there always seems to be such a huge lack of compassion and understanding when it comes to infertility. It leaves me speechless every time.

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 15:20

I agree ItsBloody. It's been particularly hideous on this thread today. So many people just not getting it at all

brassbrass · 15/02/2019 15:21

Was it irrational? Yes. Am I proud of it? No

It would be better to come up with alternative strategies then that actually help women so they don't have to resort to the behaviours you're describing.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 15:22

she could have done any number of more grown up things than act like a dick and spoil someone else's special time

I'd love to live in your bubble where something so distressing, emotional and difficult is so easily solved by growing up and not acting like a dick.

Your mind is a powerful thing as are emotions. It is not always possible to override them and 'grow up'.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 15:22

It would be better to come up with alternative strategies then that actually help women so they don't have to resort to the behaviours you're describing

Did you mean to be so incredibly patronising?

CornishMaid1 · 15/02/2019 15:23

I get it is hard for you, but people who have not been through infertility do not understand as much as they may try and as empathetic as they can try to be.

I have struggled with infertility for over 5 years. For over 5 long years I have tried to have a baby and not had one. I have a 10 year old DN. He was alive before I started trying and I love him to pieces. He is wonderful and we are close.

My IVF failed this week. At the moment I actually cannot bear to see him. The pain is too raw. It is not his fault, is nothing to do with him, but I will cry my eyes out if I see him.

That is with a 10 year old, not a baby. I would not be anywhere near a baby at the moment (not least because I may actually just steal the baby). I do not want to see baby pictures, I do not want to see babies and I do not want to see pregnant women. It is too painful to see it and not be able to have it.

It is not your fault, it is not your child's fault and it is not your sister's fault. You don't have to like it and I can guarantee that she will hate herself for not being able to see you and your child, but being with someone, especially with a baby there and to talk about the baby (there is no way a new mum does not talk about the baby) is just too hard.

I know it is difficult for you and it is hurting you, but you just need to stay patient. She will come back to you, but we are a jealous and bitter breed and it will take her some more time.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 15:24

It's all well and good talking about finding better strategies Brass but you can't expect someone who's actually there in the middle of it to think that way. It is not as easy as you are trying to make out.

I do think like that now. I have found better strategies and I am not that way anymore but it took a lot of time.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 15:24

CornishMaid1

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 15:27

CornishMaid1, I can hear your broken heart in your post. I'm so very sorry

brassbrass · 15/02/2019 15:30

I didn't say it was going to be easy. But I don't think justifying it is helpful either. OP and baby haven't done anything wrong and focusing the hurt and disappointment on them is extremely unhealthy. OP is just as entitled to her joy at this time and not have it hijacked by things out of her control or her sister's infertility.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 15:31

Cornishmaid

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 15:33

'OP and baby haven't done anything wrong'

No one has suggested anything of the sort. Most people have said that they understand why OP is feeling sad and hurt. HOWEVER you seem to be suggesting that OP's sister just pull herself together because BABY and it's not that simple, to put it mildly

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 15:34

CornishMaid1

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 15:35

Saying someone just needs to grow up and stop acting like a dick implies that you think it is an easy thing to do.

It's incredibly insulting as well.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 15:35

I actually had more sympathy for people complaining that infertile people hadn't wanted to be around their pregnancies before I had a baby. I used to think 'well, I'm sure it's harder than I realise'. And many aspects of pregnancy and having a newborn are - but one thing I didn't quite realise before is quite how much attention and congratulations you get. Not just friends and acquaintances but actual strangers in the street congratulate you and ask you questions. As I said upthread, I have a close friend who never acknowledged my pregnancy and clearly doesn't like being around DS (though she did send a card and present when he was born) - I can't even contemplate being cross with her for that; I got loads of attention and fuss and he gets told how cute he is every time we leave the house, demanding it from her too just seems cruel and greedy.

sillysmiles · 15/02/2019 15:36

Well, seeing as the OP hasn't come back to say anything further or to fill in any details the only thing I can conclude from this thread is that I'm really glad that no one in real life knows I'm going through IVF as the innate lack of understanding some people and the judging of the OP's sister is mind blowing.

Rewriting the OP from the sister POV.
Was working missed DS call, didn't get a chance to call her back.Then bumped into her at their grandparents house and felt she was a bit off but I didn't think much of it as I've got enough on my mind dealing with the grief of the last round of failed IVF. Haven't heard from her since that day, not a call or a txt. Have heard through family that she's had the baby, but not even a txt. I feel that she doesn't want be around me as I bring her down with being upset about the struggles with IVF. I feel I can't contact her now and I've lost my sis and DN.
*

The reality is no-one including the OP knows what the OP and her sis actually think or feel.

WellThisIsShit · 15/02/2019 15:38

“Meeting your sister without your baby isn’t presenting that he doesn’t exist!“

^this^

Stcatherine · 15/02/2019 15:39

Madmum have you ever suffered with infertility

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 15:40

'The one thing I didn't quite realise before is quite how much attention and congratulations you get'

THANK YOU for saying this! I really mean that. I'm not suggesting for a second that having a baby is a bed of roses but there is also a HUGE amount of attention and validation involved. Contrast that with someone experiencing infertility or ambivalence who feels they cannot share how they are feeling, who feels alone, ashamed and desperate. There's no cheerleading or validation for them

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