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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

488 replies

Raella50 · 15/02/2019 09:37

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do. Sad

OP posts:
user1471592953 · 15/02/2019 14:16

LondonJax has perfectly illustrated the generosity I mentioned in my first post.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 14:18

Yes, I also don't see the problem in offering to meet for a coffee without your DS (if you can). Let her meet you in a situation she feels comfortable in so you can actually talk properly about what you both want. Your son doesn't need to be there (again, if it is possible for you to leave him at the moment), don't force a meeting between them.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 15/02/2019 14:19

@deadbudgie nails it

@londonjax you are lucky. Being in the position of having two children with a third on the way and this year having three friends with fertility challenges in my group (it was eight in 2016) managing to salvage a friendship when you are on such different pages is hard.

It’s awful when life gets in the way of a previous happy state; I’ve lost mates due to the lottery of conceiving in your late 30s and 40s and it’s sad. Sad as in some ways it’s unavoidable and sad because in truth once you find yourself in the position of having a baby and your mate/sis being so keen to have a child themselves it shifts the balance forever - or until the other party has their much longed for child.

I feel for you OP and I feel for your sister. This will pass but I don’t think anyone should be throwing rocks at you for trying to make the connection and have a coffee.

The best of luck. This is one of the absolute shitnesses of life.

ittakes2 · 15/02/2019 14:20

There is not a rule for how people feel about infertility - everyone's different. She is not thinking rationally and I am not surprised - its such an emotional issue. Your baby has no idea his aunt has not visited and nor will he care for a very long time! The hurt is on your part. I get that you are hurt but she is clearly needing to process everything. Honestly, you get to decide - do you stay being a good sister and show her you still love her and hope she sees what she is doing and hopefully this will strengthen your relationship in the end - or do you insist she behaves in a certain way to a baby who has no idea of her existence or place in the world and in doing so may cause a irepairable rift.

yearinyearout · 15/02/2019 14:27

I'm amazed by all these responses, and quite honestly I'd be feeling much the same as you OP. This baby is her nephew, and whilst I can understand her feeling upset because of her own fertility issues, she can't expect you to put your life on hold. If I were you I would leave the ball in her court. Make it clear that you feel for her but that your baby very much needs his aunt in his life, and you will be waiting when she feels ready to visit you both.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 14:41

she can't expect you to put your life on hold

She hasn't asked OP to put her life on hold.

Rightly or wrongly she doesn't have to see her nephew if she doesn't want to, personally I think she should and eventually I hope she does come round and feels able to see him. But regardless of that, right now she hasn't actually asked anything of OP.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/02/2019 14:42

Hi OP

À lot of different views on here. I like others can see both sides.

A few people saying 'until you've been through it you don't know how hard it can be' I agree with this but also that applies to childbirth - a difficult birth can leave people with depression and PTSD especially if it coincides with other stresses such as family fallouts.

OP I'm sure you realise this must be incredibly hard for her. I also feel bad for you that your family seem to be implying it's on you to make her feel better. My thoughts are, she can't help how she feels however she can have some control over how she acts. For example I totally get that meeting you with the baby might be a bit much. But she could text and say that or pass a message through your parents or send a card or something. Completely ignoring you is quite extreme. Although I'm sure you understand why she is doing this, even if she really can't help it, it's going to be difficult for you to Completely move on from it if it goes on much longer. If she got pregnant next year and wanted to share it with you, there may not be much of a relationship left to salvage after a few years of no contact.

It's such a difficult situation. I think I would extend an olive branch and see if you can go out for coffee without the baby and talk to her, for the sake of your future relationship. The longer you leave it the harder it will be. This is not to say you should take an indefinite amount of shit behaviour from her and ensure your relationship remains unchanged as that is a massive thing to expect. But I would try and make an effort to see her on her terms while she is really struggling

I think I'd also talk to your family as well and gently remind them that your feelings matter as well

brassbrass · 15/02/2019 14:46

Can't believe some of these replies. Yes it's tough to deal with infertility but so are other things in life you can't just ignore everyone. How long will it take for her to come to terms with her sister having a baby? Months? Years?

OP and the baby are not responsible for her sister's infertility. That's life. What is she going to do? Ignore every woman in the world with a baby? It's not exactly a long term coping mechanism is it? In fact it's very damaging to herself and her future family relationships. Why are people pandering to it?

She needs a grip and for people to stop indulging her. They need to kindly steer her into managing her feelings so she can get on with life with or without a baby. It's not a licence to kill other people's happiness. I have no time for people like this.

brassbrass · 15/02/2019 14:49

she can't help how she feels however she can have some control over how she acts. For example I totally get that meeting you with the baby might be a bit much. But she could text and say that or pass a message through your parents or send a card or something. Completely ignoring you is quite extreme. Although I'm sure you understand why she is doing this, even if she really can't help it, it's going to be difficult for you to Completely move on from it if it goes on much longer. If she got pregnant next year and wanted to share it with you, there may not be much of a relationship left to salvage after a few years of no contact.

Absolutely this.

Blackbear10 · 15/02/2019 14:53

*yearinyearout

I'm amazed by all these responses, and quite honestly I'd be feeling much the same as you OP. This baby is her nephew*

But you are looking at this from the ‘isn’t my baby wonderful and the most important thing in my world’ which is absolutely as it should be, but it’s not the same for anyone else!
Your baby is super important to you but having a nephew is clearly not the same as having her own child for the sister! Surely you can see that?

You seem to be utterly missing the point of what infertility is actually like.
Yeah it’s great she has a nephew but she’s never going to have her own baby is she? She’s never going to be able to parent a child and help them grow or feel the connection of mother and child is she?!
But clearly she should be fucking grateful she gets a nephew.

Just try and have a little empathy.

Blackbear10 · 15/02/2019 14:54

What is she going to do? Ignore every woman in the world with a baby?

Why does she have to have anything to do with babies at all?
Lots of women manage to never have any interaction with children.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 14:55

brassbrass

Are you deliberately lacking any sort of empathy or attempt at understanding?

As people have said, she is probably not acting herself right now.

No she can't and probably won't want to ignore people forever but it isn't uncommon for someone suffering mentally to cut themselves off even though others who are well and thinking logically can see it's probably more damaging in reality.

She won't be thinking rationally and whilst I sincerely hope she manages to get through this with a relationship with her sister and nephew, it's really quite naive to think she's acting like this just to be a dick. She's quite clearly desperate and emotional about her situation and is dealing in the only way she can think of to protect herself (even if that does seem wrong to us).

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 14:56

'It's not a licence to kill other people's happiness.'

How is she killing anyone's happiness? She's in pain and is taking time out to grieve

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 14:58

She needs a grip and for people to stop indulging her. They need to kindly steer her into managing her feelings so she can get on with life with or without a baby. It's not a licence to kill other people's happiness. I have no time for people like this.

But again, she isn't actively doing anything to the OP? She isn't killing her happiness, she just isn't participating in it. She is getting on with her life, as far as OP knows - but without the OP in it. It's the family, not her, who is trying to suggest OP meets up with her (and they may well be doing the same to the sister). I'm not saying that I don't see why the OP is sad and misses her sister, but her sister isn't doing anything deliberately to hurt OP; she's not doing anything.

ItsBloodyFreezingg · 15/02/2019 14:59

She needs a grip and for people to stop indulging her

You make it sound like some sort of ploy to get attention. How about having a little compassion?

I wasn't interested in people indulging me. I would have easily never spoken to anyone again at one point. I wasn't interested in getting attention or sympathy.

SerenDippitty · 15/02/2019 15:00

She won't be thinking rationally and whilst I sincerely hope she manages to get through this with a relationship with her sisterandnephew, it's really quite naive to think she's acting like this just to be a dick.

This. Can't understand why so many posters think she is acting out of spite, attention seeking or getting any kind of satisfaction put of it. No empathy.

brassbrass · 15/02/2019 15:01

She'll have a hard time stepping out of her front door then or having any relationships with friends and family who have children. What a ridiculous attitude to adopt. Is there really no other alternative?! She might as well barricade herself in her house and change all her settings on media devices so she never sees a woman with a baby 🙄

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 15:04

'She'll have a hard time stepping out of her front door then or having any relationships with friends and family who have children'

Yes. She will. Just seeing a baby or a pregnant woman hurts like hell when you feel like this. What do you suggest she do - just 'get over it'? Feelings don't quite work that way. Lucky you that you've never felt this way

brassbrass · 15/02/2019 15:04

Not communicating with her sister at such a life changing time is being a dick actually.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 15:05

She might as well barricade herself in her house and change all her settings on media devices so she never sees a woman with a baby

There's a massive difference between seeing random babies and having to gush over your sister's baby. I struggled with my SIL's pregnancy for a few reasons (primarily that the due date was close to what my own would have been, but also that it was very very unplanned and while I got that that was tough for them I found it very difficult to hear about, especially at the beginning when they were actively considering abortion) and although I did congratulate them, go to the baby shower, chat to her about her pregnancy, etc. I found it incredibly difficult. I did start noticing pregnant women more around this time, but it was nothing like the same thing to just see a pregnant woman in the street.

CookingGood · 15/02/2019 15:06

But you are looking at this from the ‘isn’t my baby wonderful and the most important thing in my world’ which is absolutely as it should be, but it’s not the same for anyone else!

Doesn’t mean that acting like her nephew is a pariah is the right way to go about things. Is he going to be ignored for the rest of his life? Is she not going to look at him or say hello if they ever bump into each other? Has op got to decline invitations to places that her sister might be to avoid her sister getting upset - and for how long? What if her sister never conceives? This little boy is going to pick up on it at some point. Is he going to question why? Poor kid’s done nothing wrong.

Fabaunt · 15/02/2019 15:06

How is she killing anyone's happiness? She's in pain and is taking time out to grieve

She has no right to make another woman’s pregnancy all about her. This should have been one of the happiest times of the OPs life, but of course the OP should be fine with her sister cutting her off for daring to reproduce. Her sister is an adult. Her sister has no right to make her nephews arrival all about her hurt and grief for something she has never had.

brassbrass · 15/02/2019 15:08

Instead of justifying the behaviour you could also think this is unhealthy and untenable so she needs to figure out another way of dealing with it because if she doesn't she's just going to hurt herself and her family even more in the process.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/02/2019 15:08

Has op got to decline invitations to places that her sister might be to avoid her sister getting upset - and for how long?

Again, this is something where the OP doesn't give us crucial information. This has been going on for months and months and OP says they have a close family but it would appear they haven't been in the same place in that time. I would guess that means the sister has been not going to these events - obviously if she's expecting OP to not be invited then that's a very different thing. If she's just choosing not to go herself then, again, she's not actually doing anything to harm OP.

Lottapianos · 15/02/2019 15:10

'Her sister has no right to make her nephews arrival all about her hurt and grief for something she has never had.'

Dear god. She hasn't made it all about her. She hasn't turned up screaming and ranting and raving. She has decided to quietly distance herself at a time of great pain and possibly shame and loneliness too. Maybe she feels that her pain will not be understood by others which judging by many of the responses on this thread is a fairly good guess on her part