Sister with fertility trouble ignoring my son

[Raella50]

My sister and I are usually very close. We’ve been there for each other through massive highs and lows and I love her to bits. She has been going through IVF with her husband for a couple of years and it’s a very tough process - I take lots of care to always ask how things are going and listen to her and I’ve previosuly organised activities/ spa days/ evenings in and out together for us to take her mind off things. Anyway, last year I found out I was pregnant and she was immediately different. She stopped answering my calls and when I bumped into her at our Grandma’s house she was odd and cold. I figured she needed time and space so sent her a message saying Im here when she wants to see me and left it at that. We welcomed my son into the world a few months ago and I just thought she’d come and see us and we’d move on but she hasn’t. I hvent heard anything from her at all. Our family is very close and all our relatives have taken her side and keep mentioning her to me, saying I should be really patient and try to call her and ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee without my baby (!) I just can’t pretend he doesn’t exist?! AIBU to feel really annoyed and angry that she won’t acknowledge my son at all? I love her very much and want to be there for her, I’d love to see her have a child more than anything but my son has nothing to do with her struggles and I’m really upset. My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister. I don’t know what to do.

Where is the OP? Not come back to the thread it seems.

In weighing up a situation where one person suffers from infertility and another doesn’t, the person who gets pregnant can afford to be generous.

I’m infertile myself but it’s never had an emotional impact on me. Maybe I’m lucky

Yes you're very lucky that it hasn't affected you the way it does most.

I think the way she’s acting is quite wicked actually

Don't be utterly ridiculous. No one chooses to feel this way. Are you unable to grasp that someone may have feelings and emotions so intense they can't help having them?

Having fertility issues doesn’t mean you hate everyone else in the world with a child ffs - she needs to grow up!

Yes it can mean exactly that for a lot of people. When I was in the thick of it I blocked everyone on my social media who announced a pregnancy. I didn't care at the time if they were friends. I was jealous and bitter and yes, I irrationally hated them for being able to have what I wanted. It's not about needing to grow up. I wanted to die, I felt like I had no one, I was lonely and depressed. I was irrational and acting selfishly but I didn't care because I could not have mentally coped with being the bigger person. Perhaps you need more empathy?

Some of the comments on this thread are disgusting. People suggesting a woman suffering with infertility should grow up is vile and it's incredibly clear to me from the comments who has and hasn't been in the sisters position before.

Yes it's shit for OP but stop acting as if the sister is doing this on purpose. She is dealing with probably the most difficult thing she ever will have to, she is probably depressed and feeling like the loneliest person in the world right now.

If someone came on here and said they were acting a bit selfishly towards their family/friends because they were severely depressed or suffering from some other mental health condition, would you tell them to grow up? Or would you appreciate they probably aren't themselves right now?

Infertility can cause extremely bad mental health. I know, I've been there. She is probably acting completely out of character.

Fullofregrets33

All your post proves is that you are unable to appreciate the depth of the impact infertility can have on someone.

The posters who think the sister is behaving appallingly clearly all got pg on demand and have NO fucking idea how it feels to not fall pg when you want to made worse by others falling easily. Personally I would avoid people like the plague who were so closed off that they didn't realise it might be breaking her heart. I'd be avoiding you as much as her baby.

In weighing up a situation where one person suffers from infertility and another doesn’t, the person who gets pregnant can afford to be generous.

OP has been generous. She does not need to be a doormat.

It's easy to say babies are wonderful. Another to live with it.

Oh, absolutely. Before I had DS I thought I'd be so grateful for him that I'd never experience a moment of resentment or regret. I was wrong. If OP needs support then she should reach out for all the support she can get - professional and personal. Having a baby is incredibly hard and she needs it. However, as she herself acknowledges, her sister isn't the person for this:

My birth was very complicated and I’ve been unwell myself, not that I’d vent that to her but could really do with my sister.

She says herself (showing a lot more empathy than most of this thread) that her sister wouldn't be right person to lean on for issues with having a baby.

Great post ItsBloody. And brave of you to admit that you actually hated people who announced pregnancies and had babies. I have felt the same. It's acute grief, not necessarily a rational reaction, and it feels like total shit

If she's can't be bothered to communicate her issues then she has no right to moan that no one is understanding her

Would you say that to a depressed person???

And like anything else in life. Until someone lives it they can't understand how awful it can really be

And so the same thing applies to OPs sister then surely?

Or is it okay for me to tell someone suffering with PND to grow up despite never dealing with it myself?

OP has been generous. She does not need to be a doormat.

I think we have different definitions of generous. I don't think OP has done anything actively wrong, but given she hasn't attempted to make contact with her sister in months and months I don't think she's getting into 'over generous to the point of being a doormat' territory. Her family have suggested she invites her sister for coffee, not that she apologises (which I agree would be wrong and doormattish).

Op get over yourself ffs. Ateotd you have a fucking baby. Your sister would give anything to be in your shoes . Count your blessings. She will come round and if she doesn't so be it. And if she does and you don't want to know her then that's no loss on her part

OP has been generous. She does not need to be a doormat

How does OPs sister stepping back from their relationship her being a doormat??

The sister isn't asking OP for anything. OP is entitled to have a child just as much as her sister is entitled to take a break from whatever relationship she wants/needs to. Whether you agree with that or not isn't relevant.

She can step back from the relationship! She just can't expect to walk back into it.

*I think the issue is, if and when your DSis does manage to conceive, Is she then going to want to pick back up the relationship and carry on as though nothing has happened?

Will she expect you/family to be ecstatically happy for her (I’m sure you would anyway) but ignore the fact that she’s made this special time for you very difficult and down?*

Agree with this.

Bold fail

Holy shitballs there is a lot of mudslinging, and huge lack of empathy on this thread.

Those who haven't suffered infertility obviously can't possibly understand what it's like. But neither can any two people suffering infertility understand what the other is going through. No two people will deal with things in the same way.

Equally, those who do not have children can't understand what it's like to get the one thing you've always wanted, yet still be having massive mental health struggles.

Life is difficult for everyone in different ways. No one person's pain is greater than another's.. it just comes down to asking yourself (nobody else, family included) what treatment you are willing to accept from someone going through a tough time.

Your sister has cut contact with you, presumably to preserve her mental health. I agree with some others that this isn't the way I would handle the situation if I were her. Also, if I were you I would have expected at least a cursory, "I'm sorry, I can't be what you need right now, please give me time" and I think that is the least you could have expected from her.

Ultimately it all depends on what you want from the situation. Unfortunately you have no idea if your sister actually wants to meet with you, but if you want to salvage some kind of relationship then it's looking likely that you will have to be the bigger person and initiate a meeting, without baby, to see where the land lies.

You shouldn't have to do this, no, but that's the situation as it stands. Only once you two have an open dialogue, with both your expectations laid out, can you see whether it's possible for you to move on.

To all those projecting.. you need to try and stop. You're not helping anybody by making snap judgements based on the barest of information and your own massively emotive experiences. There is no one size fits all answer, and inciting others to hatred is ridiculous, especially given the lack of information here.

Ok so the sister can’t have a baby and yes that must hurt but I think to be the way she is with op and her baby is appalling.

OP family are no better is seems saying she should try arranging to meet the sister without her child etc

It’s not op fault she has a child and her sister doesn’t, it’s not the baby’s fault either, sometimes life is a bitch.

Before I had my children I suffered many miscarriage and a stillbirth at 35 weeks so I do understand how hard it can be when you want a baby and those around you have them and you don’t. Struggling to get pregnant isn’t a green card to behave in a bad way especially to your own family

I’m also shocked at the people saying well you got pregnant so you should be understanding and ‘generous’ to your sister, fuck that the sister is the one out of line here not the OP

It is a shame she feels like she can't be around her close family right now. It's probably the exact opposite of what she needs but mental health is irrational. She likely isn't herself and is acting in defense mode.

She's not being horrid or wicked or vile, she's a woman suffering immensely who's trying to protect herself. She won't be thinking straight or logically as with most things that affect someone's mental state.

Where is the sympathy and understanding from some posters on this thread? Jesus Christ.

I agree that is shit for the OP and I'm sorry for her that she feels like she's losing her sister. It's crap for her.

Perhaps she likes the attention from family and the sympathy while you’re painted as the bad guy.

Bloody hell.

I don’t think anyone is out of line. I think both women are upset and need time.

I think there are times when emotions become so raw that a relationship isn’t possible at that moment. But I also believe it’s ok for relationships to “take a break”.

If I were the OP I wouldn’t grovel. I would send a text saying “miss you, can we talk”. Because from the OP that’s a fact, she misses her sister.

I had IVF to have our DS.

A couple of months before I became pregnant my friend of 16 years found out she needed a hysterectomy.

She and her DH had put off having a family. He wasn't bothered either way but she desperately wanted a child but let it ride for a few years. Then, when she finally realised they needed to try or it would be too late, she became ill and a hysterectomy was the only way forward.

My birthday fell whilst I was pregnant and she sent a friend round with my present - I was 6 months at the time so quite large. She just couldn't bear the thought of seeing me in the condition she had wanted to be in for so long.

When DS was born she sent a gift and flowers but didn't come round. I was the one who suggested we meet, without DS, for a coffee. Like we used to. Just us two. I never mentioned DS until she asked. I had something she was never going to be able to have. If it took her time to get used to that idea that was absolutely fine.

Within a month she was round meeting DS. The coffee had broken the ice - made it about me and her, not me and DS.

She is now DS's Godmother and absolutely adores him. The feeling is mutual - he loves spending time with his Godmother. She travels 50 miles just to come and visit him (we moved away from the area DS was born in).

Give your DSis time and book the coffee with her. She may need to be gently eased into this relationship with her nephew, she may feel awkward about not seeing you, she may not be ready yet. But a coffee, an hour or two without your DS, in the hope that it'll get you two back together - is it really that hard?

She can step back from the relationship! She just can't expect to walk back into it.

But there's no indication she does expect this?

All these 'well when she has a baby she'll expect...' posts show how little people know about IVF success rates, and why they expect that infertile people should just get over it and wait their turn. If the sister has been having IVF for a couple of years, so presumably multiple rounds, without getting pregnant then her odds of ever having a successful cycle are well below 50%. Her having her own baby isn't a certainty; it's not even the most likely outcome.

'All these 'well when she has a baby she'll expect...' posts show how little people know about IVF success '

Well said. OP's sister is facing the very real possibility that this will NEVER happen for her

Then the relationship is over. And the OP needs to close the door and learn to move on. She also needs to shut her family down when they attempt to interfere.