Boarding school for 7yr olds.

[Patchworkpatty]

This is not a TAAT but follows on from one earlier today where I appear out of step with the majority posting there. So want to ask the AIBU vipers opinions.

While discussing the other thread it lead me to do some internet investigation about the age of children in boarding schools in this country - and was horrified that there are many prep schools that offer 'full boarding' (not weekly and home weekends) from the age of 7 ! I am genuinely shocked and sad that such young children are sent away from home. These places appear really desirable to those parents desperate to ensure entry into 'the better public schools' .

How is this different from putting your 7 yr old in care ? IMHOthe only difference is that you pay for it and there are more activities. Surely it's not right to do this to such young children . I really thought that had stopped in the 1960s .!

Boarding at 7 is in huge decline. Very unusual now. It’s why so many prep schools offer flexi boarding and why many are closing/merging.

I think a lot of people have quite a Victioran notion of boarding schools. Mine boarded from 7 as they were choristers. We were very nervous of the boading aspect at first, but DS1 really wanted to be a chorister and we didn't think our squeamishmess about boarding should stop him. DS2 was less sure about boarding, but loved being a chorister. We saw them 1 or 2 evenings a week, and for a few hours at the weekend. They could also phone home in the evenings we didn't visit. They must have thought it was OK as both chose a traditional boading school for secondary (either that or they hate us!)

My take on this is that a lot depends on the wider family dynamic...if the DC feel loved and secure and not cut off from family then I think it can be a very positive experience. If DC feel dumped in boarding school or treated as an inconvenience, then the outcome can be very different, but in that case I don't think they would necessarily do better at home either.

I fundamentally disagree with the whole thing. A very antiquated, harsh, unnecessary choice to make, and from age 7? You only get one childhood. Make it one worth remembering.

To those saying its fine and a good solution, perhaps, but it might not be what the child thinks. I knew a kid that did private boarding all year and had done since 8 (he was 12 at the time that I knew him) and his opinion of his parents was that they didn't give a shit about him and just abandoned him there. Probably not the full case really, but if that's how it's made him feel is it worth it?

I went to a day school with boarders, my own dc flexi board once a week.
Boarding school can be fantastic for some children, others sink without trace. You won’t know which one your child will be until they are there and living through it. It also depends how nice or otherwise your house master or mistress is.

I have some close friends that boarded from seven. They are almost all articulate, intelligent and ambitious, they are also can be emotionally detached or damaged, distant and some have hidden issues that no one will ever discuss. None have an esp close relationship with their parents now they are adults, some have functioning relationships at best.
I personally could never send my dc away at seven. Children need love, the best school in the world can’t provide that.

I dont think it is just love the children are missing. They are missing the support and guidance offered by parents every single day. When the child fails exams, is being badly bullied, is feeling ill, exhausted, difficulties with teachers, hasn’t made friends or they have fallen out, SM issues, excluded from parties or groups, moved down sets and the achievements they want to celebrate.

They go through this all alone.

In many cases the problems are huge and too big for the child.

Parents st home provide comfort, love and safety every single day.
It is not so much about a hug, as the absence of anyone that actually cares about them. For very long stretches of time. A sobbing child at the end of the phone is hesrtbreaking for both parents and child, but it is the child that is left to carry the pain alone at the end of the call.
A lack of a safe place to go after a stressful day can be really difficult for some children, particularly when it involves bullying.

Reading through these postings I think what I said yesterday on this thread is true, it's all 'luck of the draw' ... some had a good time, a lot have bad experiences, IMO that's not good enough to reflect back and be thankful they liked it, what if their experiences were awful and it ruined their lives ... too big a price to pay, plus the point is someone else is shaping your child's young life, I couldn't put that much trust in anyone else, particularly strangers to either get it right or do the right thing for my children

My friend sent her DD from age 8. Both parents in the Military, mum stationed in Northern England in a post that meant monthly travel, Dad down south on a 2 year intensive training course and spending 3 months at a time overseas.

The initial plan was 2 years boarding, then both parents hopefully getting posts in the same area so she could come home.

What actually happened was 2 years later the DD told her parents she wanted to remain as a boarder. She is loving it (she's 12/13 now). She sees her parents for long school holidays and exeats monthly. They Skype and FaceTime daily and they have a great relationship.

I admit that when my friend first told me I was horrified, but I can see that it has worked for them. Parents are doing amazingly well in their careers, child's education is top notch, home life is happy and full of fun when they get together and they all have opportunities they would not have had without it.

I once spend a week looking after a group of children on exchange in a boarding school. While there I noticed some very young-looking boarders (about 7) and felt very sad to see such young children sent away. It was very regimented and I wondered about the psychological impact.

I live near one of the 'top' public schools so there are many prep schools here too. One, until last year, had a board outside with school name and advertised 'boarding from 4 years old'. Hopefully they've changed this, it used to make me feel physically sick when I passed it. Horrible.

DM's DH and DF's ex-wife both boarded from 5 when there was no practical need. It fucked them both up.

I know a single mother who regularly has to travel for work. She has a live-in nanny.

How mean of you OP to start this thread after your nasty comments on the other one.

Flexi boarding so 1 or 2 nights a week - fantastic
Boarding at 13 - fine if everyone is happy with it
Boarding for 6th form - absolutely, think it’s a great idea
Boarding at 7 - I’ll never ever understand how it’s a good idea

Does anyone have access to stats that show how many children board at different ages and what that split is between boys and girls?

Why @GreatDuckCookery ? Not seen/read the other thread but curious why she's being mean?

Your child is 9 and doesn't even come home at weekends ???? Horrific . Try BEING a parent for 5 minutes instead of worrying about getting him into the 'right' school

From the OP on the other thread..

GreatDuckCookery I don't know the context but I personally think 7 day a week boarding at 9 is extreme and could only be justified in some very specific situations.

Over 1000 young people currently attending boarding school are children that would otherwise reside in care homes.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-42467208

Boarding schools have some very good purposes, apart from the example above armed forces get 90% off boarding fees at state boarding schools, so it costs them around £100 a month for high quality childcare and education.

Boarding at 7 will not be right for a large majority of children but when the alternative is being in a care home it sounds rather appealing.

Seven seems very young.

I have teenagers (my 13 year old is boarding this autumn and can't wait) and I'd give anything to have that age back, they're sort of like a more measured toddler at 7.

I thought the vast majority are children of ex-pats or the military, in both cases wanting education and friend stability for their kids instead of taking them aroubd the country. A few children who would otherwise be in case probably get a far better start in life from the consistency than otherwise too.

I wouldn't want to let mine go, especially young, but then I'm not in a position where it would be necessary so I can't judge. I'm the scale of possible bad parenting choices it barely makes the lower rungs in my opinion.

aroubd the country
should say "around different countries"

There are also some children from other countries whose parents want a British education. I knew some borders as a kid and there were a few whose parents were from various parts of Asia and the Middle East, so I imagine there still are some. My friend's cousin from Nigeria for example said she thinks schools in her area are too dangerous so her DS is coming over later this year to start school (older though).

The idea rather horrifies me but I suppose it's not always that negative. My mum had to board sometimes from age 7, in the spring and autumn when it was too difficult to get from her island to the mainland (too much ice to row across but the ice not strong enough to skate or ski across - this was rural Lapland in the 60s) but she is perfectly emotional stable, happy etc. That was for primary school, when she went to the equivalent of grammar school she had to stay there full time but I'm not sure if she was boarding or staying with relatives in town.

My ex, on the other hand, boarded in Kenya from 7 or 8 for a few years and had serious emotional issues

I live in a country where boarding school is just part of the parcel that comes with getting your child an education. Local schools are normally funded by charities with haphazard teaching and if you don’t live in the capital city where schools are better funding and private day schools available then it’s boarding school or homeschool with even many state schools offering boarding (education is only free until 13) A lot of wealthier families will homeschool or use tutors for as long as they can but most children head to boarding school between the ages of 7-10. Some schools take from 3 which I don’t agree with and my plan is to homeschool until I can no longer provide the needed level.
Most children will be visited every weekend or return home every Friday evening depending on how far it is.
I’m sumarry although it’s not ideal in some instances it really is the best and only option

Whatever the rights and wrongs of boarding school it is massively unreasonable and fucking ignorant to compare it to care.

Look up some of the stats on what happens to care leavers and their likelihood to go to prison, university etc and educate yourself on how difficult life is for those going through that system and when they come out. It isn’t necessarily the fault of the system but honestly how privileged do you have to be to even think they are comparable