Boarding school for 7yr olds.

[Patchworkpatty]

This is not a TAAT but follows on from one earlier today where I appear out of step with the majority posting there. So want to ask the AIBU vipers opinions.

While discussing the other thread it lead me to do some internet investigation about the age of children in boarding schools in this country - and was horrified that there are many prep schools that offer 'full boarding' (not weekly and home weekends) from the age of 7 ! I am genuinely shocked and sad that such young children are sent away from home. These places appear really desirable to those parents desperate to ensure entry into 'the better public schools' .

How is this different from putting your 7 yr old in care ? IMHOthe only difference is that you pay for it and there are more activities. Surely it's not right to do this to such young children . I really thought that had stopped in the 1960s .!

I also agree with Springwalk on page nine.

In 20 years time there will be the same type of threads about the emotional damage from babies/toddlers in nurseries from breakfast till bedtime, primary kids in wrap around care, clubs ,tutors, activities, camps...sleeping in the same house is no indicator of parental superiority care.

MH issues in those who boarded may well have manifested themselves in other ways if the child had been at home, who knows. Given the amount of MH problems in DC attending day/state schools that is a fair assumption.

I was a day pupil at a school that had boarders.One of my best friends moved from HK to board in the UK at 7, her older sibling was at the school already. We became her 2nd family in the Uk essentially and she stayed at ours on her “exeat” weekend and also during the small holidays (half terms). She went home Christmas Easter and summer.
can’t recall her parents coming to visit. She came to the UK speaking very little English so must have been overwhelming however she flourished here. There was only a handful of boarders and they were like a family unit for one another.

It was during a time when things weren’t great in HK and the education system was a mess. Totally can see why her parents sent her to the UK!

I don't even have children. But I am saying a big fat no.

I wonder how many appalled DMs on here sent their babies into wrap around care from 12 months or earlier. Cared for by strangers when too young to voice any issues and seen for less than an hour a day by their parents.

But somehow that’s considered less brutal than sending a 7 year old DC away to a place where there are caring house parents, regular letters/phone calls, parent’s events, exeats and long holidays.

controversial to say this but (and I say this as a working parent) I do actually think modern children spend a lot of time in childcare.

I think we will look and wonder about putting reception age children in breakfast club/ after school club - I look at the little kids at our school and they are exhausted!

however, they are sleeping with mum and dad at home and its unusual for wrap around care to be every day - from what I know locally I see it being used once or twice a week ..

But - I think as a society we do need to look at the very long days being done in childcare by under 5s - from babies to school age children. I find it hard to believe it's optimal for those kids (and I hve had my kids do 8 til 6 myself so Im not judging - just being realistic)

@Springwalk

I dont think it is just love the children are missing. They are missing the support and guidance offered by parents every single day. When the child fails exams, is being badly bullied, is feeling ill, exhausted, difficulties with teachers, hasn’t made friends or they have fallen out, SM issues, excluded from parties or groups, moved down sets and the achievements they want to celebrate.
*
They go through this all alone.*

Having spent half an hour consoling an upset boarding student and making a point of daily checking in with another student who has lost a parent this week I disagree with this.

There are usually lots of activities arranged for kids in care misses point of thread

I agree though YANBU. It's odd. A PP mentioned a circumstance I would agree with-a child who is deaf and would benefit hugely from an environment tailored to their needs-and all similar with that. Disabilities etc. Better for the child and their family and their future. Anything else at such a young age, no.

I wonder how many appalled DMs on here sent their babies into wrap around care from 12 months or earlier. Cared for by strangers when too young to voice any issues and seen for less than an hour a day by their parents.

People usually do this because they need to work. To earn and provide for the family.

Boarding school for most is an expensive luxury, it’s not done out of necessity.

And the obvious major difference is that the baby in nursery still comes home and sleeps in their house with their family every night and all weekend.

This, as @crikeycrumbsblimey writes:

“Whatever the rights and wrongs of boarding school it is massively unreasonable and fucking ignorant to compare it to care.”

Imagine being sent away because your parents job is more important and they can't fit you in their lie. Awful.

In very unusual, or extreme circumstances, ie where the direct alternative is care (single parent has a major accident, child brought up by grandparents who are no longer able to physically do all the care), that sort of thing, fine. Or in the case of a deaf school, I can see the merits in it. I also see the point in occasional boarding a night or two a week.

Otherwise, no way for a young child!!

Change your job, change where you live, downsize if your income will fall as a result. If you're in the army and know you can t leave for x number of years, how about waiting until you can leave before sprogging, or the other parent stays in one place to provide the stable home.

By staying in a job that requires boarding from a young age for a child to have stability, you're surely saying that you value that job, or a nice house, and nice lifestyle (potentially) above your child.

And whilst yes, of course you get nice 'house parent' like the ones who have been on here, but if find it sad that they can't have their actual parents, because they are too busy being important etc.

Family is everything.

You make sacrifices for your kids, and if thst means your career takes a backseat for a few years, then so be it.

I see both sides to this. On the whole I agree with the fact that 7 is too young.

I know lots of young adults who have done boarding school from secondary due to military families. It’s not a case of they put their jobs above their children. Most of the time it’s a better education that in normal civvie street they would never be able to afford. It’s also not a simple as changing jobs. A lot of the military come from areas where there is no work. They are giving their children a better life. Every child I know who has been had a fantastic time and had opportunities that would not have been there if they had gone to the local comp. Each and everyone are happy with good careers and stable relationships.

There’s something different about military boarding schools. Everyone knows how it feels to have a parent who is away a lot in dangerous situations. I have been told that it was great to have everyone else who was going through the same thing.

Would I have done the same? I don’t know. We have never been in that kind of situation but if I was offered private education for my children at a massive discount it would be something I would seriously consider. Especially if the child wanted to go.

It’s all very well telling parents to change jobs etc.... but it’s not right for everyone.

Do I wish my parents had given up their careers to move so I could have come home every day? No! Do I think they should have delayed having children till they could move? Definitely not, I love that they are young enough to look after grandchildren and enjoy activity holidays with us.

I’m hugely grateful to them that they worked hard so we had somewhere lovely to go home to in the holidays and we got the opportunity to do sports/hobbies that not everyone gets to do. My mum showed me you can absolutely have children who grow up healthy, happy and loved and still have a very successful career. If anyone suffered when we went to boarding school it was my parents, they certainly seemed to miss me and my sister far more than we missed them - we loved our boarding families. But saying all that, my parents chose a lovely rural school with wonderful house parents who definitely gave out cuddles!

All children are different, none should be forced into boarding school, but some actually thrive in that environment.

Posters need to stop assuming all parents who send their children away are doing it because their child is not their priority, and they need to stop assuming that it damages all children.

Unloving parents creates problems, boarding school or not.

We see dd a lot more than families where both work and use extensive childcare.
Some small children are in childcare from one year old for most of the day, their parents hardly see them.
Boarders have really long holidays, exeats, some home at weekend.
it seems like they are never at school sometimes.
Up to 10 weeks holiday in the summer, 2 weeks half term, 3 weeks each for Christmas and Easter.
I wouldn't have sent mine at 7, but don't judge the few that do.

There was a documentary called "Britain's youngest boarders" and is still available on Youtube. It was so sad, some of the families the mum was a SAHP a few miles up the road from the school but felt that children needed to learn independence

Zzzz generally speaking I agree with you, but sometimes parents/carers do not have the required skills quickly enough to maximize the child's potential. Deaf children in the UK (for example) have the lowest educational outcomes. I would hate to send a child that young to a boarding school even if it was in their best interests, but it isn't to be compared with someone doing it because it's a family tradition.

I’m assuming the parents who send their dc to boarding school due to busy jobs are also ones who use childcare from one, so not sure what the point is here! When my dc are sick I can be off work to be with them, when they have bad dreams they can get me in the night, even when going to childcare or school they are with a parent for an hour in the morning and a minimum of four in the evening - and all Saturday and Sunday. We’ve dialled our careers down in order to spend far more time with dc, I’d rather give them time than more sporting opportunities (of which I think they get plenty anyway)

Uptheduffy
most have a sahp at my dd school, we can go any time we like. i often go and take her out for lunch, or the theatre at night, or just for a coffee if she wants a chat.
Her sibling takes the baby in, and if she has a bad dream she can manage at 15, but she could call me anytime day or night if she wants to.
We go to lots of concerts, sometimes lunch time, sometimes evening.
When sick, which is very rarely she gets a quiet night in medical, we are informed and can go stay if we want.

But I thought difficulties with career or travel was the reason for it being ok to send a 7 year old away? To be sent away when your mum was at home all day - wow.

I wonder how many appalled DMs on here sent their babies into wrap around care from 12 months or earlier. Cared for by strangers when too young to voice any issues and seen for less than an hour a day by their parents.

Totally agree.

It is probably better for a seven year old to be in a good boarding school, than woken at 6.30, dropped off at a child minder by harried parents, taken to school by the CM, gone to after school club with 30 other kids staffed by underpaid childcare workers with high staff turnover, picked up by a stressed parent because they have had to leave work early, taken home, given dinner and put to bed.

Yay what amazing bonding you are having....

It might actually be better for a seven year old to have the easier, shorter day with more fun activities (sport, swimming, arts and crafts) and a the 'family style' care that boarding schools for young children offer.

The home of a disabled person should be tailored to their needs. I can’t see any reason this tips the scales any more than parents careers. I think people tend to think it’s ok for disabled people because they don’t see them as quite as human as other children

I’m not pro boarding at all, but I think this is very unfair given the example in question.

It simply isn’t possible for the average parent to create a tuned in, signing, empathetic community for their deaf child to grow up in. This is one of the examples where boarding has a clear remit, as far as I can see.

To be sent away when your mum was at home all day - wow.

I can’t really wrap my head around this either.

For two working parents with well paid careers, having a nanny working for 12 hours a day 7am -7pm is pretty normal.

What amazing quality time are you having with your seven year old during the week? Basically none. It is just outsourcing of the primary care provision to a nanny, rather than a house-parent and matron.