Boarding school for 7yr olds.

[Patchworkpatty]

This is not a TAAT but follows on from one earlier today where I appear out of step with the majority posting there. So want to ask the AIBU vipers opinions.

While discussing the other thread it lead me to do some internet investigation about the age of children in boarding schools in this country - and was horrified that there are many prep schools that offer 'full boarding' (not weekly and home weekends) from the age of 7 ! I am genuinely shocked and sad that such young children are sent away from home. These places appear really desirable to those parents desperate to ensure entry into 'the better public schools' .

How is this different from putting your 7 yr old in care ? IMHOthe only difference is that you pay for it and there are more activities. Surely it's not right to do this to such young children . I really thought that had stopped in the 1960s .!

I think some posters are judgemental and aggressive because they’ve had a bad personal experience and sadly can’t acknowledge all the positive stories PPs have shared.

It’s easy to be clouded by your own experiences, but it’s a shame they aren’t willing to acknowledge sometimes it’s a good choice and sometimes children enjoy the experience and still have a close loving family relationship after.

christ - quite a few people on here being so judgemental about those choosing to send their children to boarding school for whatever reason - someone even wished death on those who did?! I think thats a bit much.

I think if your home situation is so poor that boarding school is better, then yes its fine. But otherwise no. However good the care is, it is at the end of the day institutional care.

redredrobins It seems to me that the only reason some posters are judgemental and aggressive to those of us that have chosen boarding school for our DC must be jealousy. Why else would they be so invested in other peoples choices for their children, it doesn't effect them or their children at all.
No just jealousy because they have to send their DC to failing state schools as they can't afford anything better!

With that logic, then no one should be riled up about child abuse of any kind. Not to mention, I am child free and have chosen not to have children, so how can I possibly be jealous if I can't send my imaginary children to boarding school? What a stupid argument.

And, if you must know, the reason why I'm riled up about it is because of my friends who went to boarding school and it destroyed them. Also, because I'm empathetic to children, as I remember vividly what it is like to be a child, and how lonely it can be. Not to mention, how important it is to have a mother and father to love you unconditionally who doesn't give them up, by sending them away just because it's convenient.

I boarded for secondary school. The only thing I regret is not having been sent there earlier.

Even at a young age not everyone is touchy-feely, not everyone feels the need to process their day verbally, not everyone prefers being read a story to reading it themselves.

For the record I enjoyed Senior more, but the OP was about 7yo boarders.

I actually don't judge the parents who choose this at all. However if you haven't been at 7 and send your own it is worth noting how many children do resent it (often being told how much was sacrificed for e.g and super high expectations on the children for life) and to be aware that might come out one day. Of course it may not, but it is a risk.

Cousin Who says I don't love my DC unconditionally? If you could speak to anyone who knows me you would be told you are very wrong.
Just because your friend had a bad experience of boarding it doesn't mean everyone has.
Boarding is not child abuse and I am bloody angry at that suggestion!
I love my DC and made choices that suited them and us, with their happiness and welfare being the highest priority and now as adults they agree our choice was perfect for them.
Please don't assume that you know what is or was best for MY DC, you have never met them.
Please acknowledge that because your friend didn't do well with boarding doesn't mean that all boarders are the same, it shows a high degree of ignorance on you part to make that assumption!

I know quite a few people who went to boarding school early, most of them because the parents live in remote communities or outback cattle stations (I am in Oz), most of them hated it and wished there had been another solution (there is, of course, long distance teaching, which is available from public schools here, but a lot of families would worry this is not good enough, as well as social isolation etc.)

some really enjoyed it, but these latter are also quite emotionally remote and kind of tough, IYSWIM? the kind of people who would probably have had a similar upbringing anyway, I mean the kind of tough love, stand on your own two feet, don't be soft, type people anyway

I met some of the mothers, they were very much not the co-sleeping, read bedtime story types, and the fathers were very authoritarian

Now, this is not my type of parenting, but I am not sure it is shit parenting, maybe it suits some personalities?

I know someone who boarded aged 3 as her mother had severe mental illness. She said it was fine! I can't imagine it being a great situation for any very young child, but I guess the alternative might have been her going into care. And another friend who was also tiny; this was because her mother, a single parent, simply couldn't work while she was at home - this was Australia in the late 40s.

Viper

Not that much less likely. The incidence of kids at boarding schools who come from dysfunctional/violent/loveless households is actually very high. Lots of really messed-up kids in boarding schools. Wealthy people have fucked-up families too.

I wouldn't let my kids within 50 yards of one. Having experienced it first hand. I'll bring up my own kids, thanks.

Fine, your choice, just don't knock others for their choices.

@Greensleeves

Any proof of your claims?

Er why have children? I really do not understand why people who send their kids to boarding school especially from that young age have children at all? Were they mistakes?

Ye, all mistakes.

DS is a day pupil at a school with boarders. Boarding is very different these days I think. They do take boarders from a young age at ds’s school but there aren’t many. When he was in the prep school there was one Yr3 who boarded who was the youngest. They were in a double room with their older sibling.

I toured the prep boarding house (up to year 8) one evening and was more impressed than I thought I’d be. Small bedrooms rather than dorms. House parents hanging out in the communal kitchen with the children and their own children and dog. Kids making toast and hot chocolate. Rooms decorated nicely. Posters and duvets from home etc. It felt much more homely than I expected.

Other than my Enid Blyton/Chalet School reading days I had always been a bit anti boarding but I have to say i changed my view a bit. It wouldn’t be for me but I don’t judge people who do choose it. And very few people choose it for 7 year olds. I have lots of friends whose dc board mainly from age 13 but some from age 11. Some of those children have chosen to board for various reasons. Mainly as expats they’ve moved schools a lot and want continuity rather than potentially moving at key exam stages etc.

I also know that my friends whose dcs board miss their dcs dreadfully. It’s definitely not an easy choice but they know their dcs are happy and settled.

I teach in a boarding school, not in the UK though. We are one of a few schools in the country offering the curriculum we offer.
We have about 10 primary boarders. They certainly get cuddles, from their boarding parents and other boarding staff. Many of them have older siblings in the school. They have their own boarding house with small rooms and have activities planned for evenings and weekends. Most parents send them because they want the education we offer and they seem happy.

My father and uncle were sent to boarding school around 7/8 years old. They both have lifelong issues as a result. I can't imagine it being beneficial to send a child that young unless the home life is extremely chaotic.

I don't agree with sending a child to boarding school unless they are old enough to decide for themselves that they want to go, which would be at least secondary at the bare minimum.

My sil was ‘sent away’ to boarding school as a teenager. She was causing all manner of problems at home and the school she was in. I have never met a more bitter and cold person in my life than sil, it really shows.
Mil, as much as I love her, really doesn’t get why sil actively avoids her. She doesn’t answer her calls, tries to dodge times when mil is around. She even moved to live in Oz, she’s back in the UK now, but opposite ends of the country.

I try not to judge other people’s parenting decisions on the whole but find it very hard to get my head around. I also know a number of adults (my DB included) who were emotionally scarred by the experience. I do know some others who have boarded as teenagers (more recently) and been happy so I guess that’s different, and I can also understand that, for teens, and their parents, some space can be a relief but I’m not sure that’s how you work through things and I definitely want to experience all the highs and lows with my DC. I find it hard to imagine how you can really do that when they are at school so much of the time.

I’d never say this in RL but I honestly just feel a bit worried/sorry for my friends who’ve chosen it for their DC because childhood flies by and I think they’ll regret all that lost time in years to come.

My dh was sent away to boarding school just before he was 7.

His parents lived 15 miles away.

He saw them at half term and holidays.

He has almost no relationship with his parents (he's in his 50s and they are in their 80s) and they are the most narcissistic people I have ever met.

I think a lot depends on the school, the family and the child.

Growing up with a mother with MH and alcohol issues is no walk in the park and not a stable life. Would I have been better boarding? Who knows but I would have stability and a routine and not experience a mother distraught because she tried to fly and couldn't.

There was PP who mentioned sending her child to a school for the deaf, all the people I have known who went to 'deaf school' have had positive experiences and in one case the children were the third generation to go to the same school.