Boarding school for 7yr olds.

[Patchworkpatty]

This is not a TAAT but follows on from one earlier today where I appear out of step with the majority posting there. So want to ask the AIBU vipers opinions.

While discussing the other thread it lead me to do some internet investigation about the age of children in boarding schools in this country - and was horrified that there are many prep schools that offer 'full boarding' (not weekly and home weekends) from the age of 7 ! I am genuinely shocked and sad that such young children are sent away from home. These places appear really desirable to those parents desperate to ensure entry into 'the better public schools' .

How is this different from putting your 7 yr old in care ? IMHOthe only difference is that you pay for it and there are more activities. Surely it's not right to do this to such young children . I really thought that had stopped in the 1960s .!

I think there is an important difference between the utterly specialist boarding schools - so the musical ones such as Chetham's, and the dance ones such as Royal Ballet School, and to a lesser extent though probably more relevant at a very young age), the choir schools - and the 'generalised academic' boarding schools.

If you are a very gifted dancer, or a very gifted musician, there may genuinely be no similar option within hundreds of miles of your home, and the children of the type the schools cater for are rare in the population. in that way, they're a bit like the residential special schools - schools which are residential because they gather together in a single geographiocal location a group of children who are rare in the population, very widely geographically spread, and for whom there is no equivalent non-boarding provision.

Most academic boarding schools are not like that - except perhaps the boarding secondaries in the outer isles of Scotland. There ARE academic schools within day reach of pretty much every child in the country, so in that case boarding becomes much more of a choice than a necessity.

I agree that, perhaps, it might be possible for all parents of e.g. gifted dancers to move within day distance of the dance school. However, another feature of such schools is 'selection out', so uprooting the whole family twice may not be something which is in the family's best interest.

And Spring, I think if you are the parent of someone at one of the very specialist schools, it is natural to balance the benefit - of an education and training that is simply not available elsewhere - with the disbenefit of boarding, to perhaps a much greater extent than a family who 'board through conviction and tradition' at an academic school.

Spring
If you mean me, I don't have to justify anything, and am just commenting on life as a parent to a boarder.
I find these threads very interesting, all the different memories people have posted, and unfortunately the poor sods affected by how boarding schools used to be.
We are very grateful for the opportunity though, I will never deny this. Ito children accessing a specialist education, I found this worth mentioning as there must be a couple of thousands in this category, which is obviously different again from another type of boarding school, which in turn will differ from another.

Of course they are better and to suggest they aren't does a huge disservice to those who faced abuse, sexual abuse was rife and so much went unchecked. It wouldn't be allowed to happen now. I can assure you nobody is asking my dd to strip into her bra and pants during her lesson. Teachers aren't taking kids to their homes, wives of the teachers aren't supplying the male teachers with pupils to abuse.
Please don't tell me present day boarding schools are no different, or we won't know.
We know how much they have improved.

Yes all the research shows that institutional life is second best for kids.

Romany I almost see what you are saying but you sound as though you believe no abuse is happening or will ever happen again at schools. We know this isn't the case and no matter what happens these things have a habit of repeating, if not in similar ways then using new tech. It seems every month a teacher makes it into the news for dating their pupil. I think the harder abuse to tackle is the emotional abuses. I would like to think these current teachers are cut from a different cloth but because such a large proportion of the staff at my school were seemingly angry and vindictive a lot of the time (and hell bent on ensuring we knew our 'place') but as has been pointed out, you won't know until these kids grow up what affect the adults around them have until they get out. Many pp have said they took a while to realise how boarding affected them.

I don’t buy the ‘oh everything’s different now’ argument either.

Some things are different, many things have improved. But the basic premise (children growing up without day to day care from the people who love them the most) remains and there will always be problems inherent within that.

Having said all that though, flexi boarding does seem to be quite a different proposition. I can see how that mitigates some of the bigger issues I have with boarding.

I know there are no guarantees of course. You just have to trust the school that all safeguards are in place.
We do have ofsted, ISI, and BSA to inspect our schools now, and a lot of the time they call with no warning, and this is good.
Ito emotional and mh issues, we assess constantly, and would remove her if necessary.
I'm sure all parents of boarders feel the same. Nobody would want their child to struggle, surely.
There may be a difference between those that are sent and those that ask to go, but the setting and experience is still the same.

My dad boarded from age 7 and felt it as parental rejection, especially as his younger siblings didn't.

The percentage of 7 years old who are boarding is negligible. I'd keep my concerns for children who are abused and neglected and have to live with their families.

I know on MN it's often suggested to parents (even single parents) to just change jobs if their schedule is hard to concile with parenting, but in the real world nobody leaves a good job at the drop of the hat to find one that revolves around their kids as many people simply can't afford it.

They would have said it was a privilege accorded to him as oldest son, to get best possible education.

They were traditional and well off, and a patriarchal sort of set up, domineering father whose word was law.

The overlap between “parents who can afford to send their dc to boarding school” and “parents who can’t afford to change their jobs” must be tiny.

But the basic premise (children growing up without day to day care from the people who love them the most) remains and there will always be problems inherent within that.

I can't say I've witnessed this, even the international students are regularly contacting their parents. You don't have to be in the same house to show you care. One of dd friends in from Middle East, her mum has just rented a flat nearby and her Dad works away, she is flexi boarding now for practicalities.
We are often in school, there are events most days, parents are invited and welcome on a daily basis. However, maybe all boarding schools aren't the same, I only know dd type.

ZZZZZ

I haven't witnessed any children who aren't happy to be there, but as I say all schools are different, no institution is the same.
I know mine is happier at her school than she would be anywhere else, but I'm never complacent about it and we assess constantly.
She also knows it's her choice to be there and knows she can leave anytime she wants to and we'd home ed again.
It's just right for some kids, maybe not for others.

It would be so handy to send my kids away, focus on my career, see them for holidays and fun stuff but I realise that putting them into the care of adults who don’t actually care for them or love them is the fastest way to F them up

Have you ever considered that maybe the staff who work in a boarding school do actually care about the students?
I work in a boarding school and I care and I know my colleagues do.

I went at age 8. It damaged me in so many ways I wouldn't know where to start. But I can write good letters. Also now I have my own home I only leave it when I want to, which is rarely, and I hate packing though I am good at it.

I teach and care for my pupils - but the level of care I have for them is completely eclipsed by the kind of love I have for my dcs.

Haven't read the whole thread but my 2 went to a prep school which did boarding. They were day pupils. The prep school did not take children as young as 7 as a rule but had the occasional one in exceptional circumstances. As the children got older they were encouraged to try boarding once or twice a week which gave them confidence and independence. It also prepared them if they were trying to get into a senior school so far away that they would have to board.
Even with full boarding children go home every 3 weeks or so in senior schools that I know of so it's not as if they don't go home at all from one holiday to the next.
Remember senior independent schools have lessons 6 days a week and finish later than local schools so it's not so easy to get home every night. Children I know who go to the nearest senior school to us leave on a bus at 7.30am and get home at 7.30pm every night - earlier on a Saturday. So I can see how weekly or flexi boarding works well for many who are not too far away.

We live in Scotland however and we do know some boys my two who were at prep. school with who have gone on to Harrow, Winchester and Eton, so they can't get home easily!

A close friend and her siblings were sent to boarding school because her father was in the forces. However, her parents were never posted abroad, remained in the country with posting not that far apart so no real excuse for them boarding.
My friend has a very poor relationship with her parents, one sibling went completely off the rails while the other moved abroad as soon as they could and rarely returns home.
All boarded from 6 or 7 years old, none of them would ever consider sending their own DCs.

I know some people send kids to boarding school for practical reasons eg working away/working long hours or because of a very niche or specialised education to cater for a particular physical/SEN need or a talent. I find it more difficult to understand people that are visiting boarding schools daily to see kids (their time is available and they are not prohibitively far away)....but not to take the DC home. (I know of someone who does this, and pp have mentioned)

Cousins boarded from six. Father high ranking military, mother - well I'm not quite sure what she actually did. One lives abroad and has done for most of their adult life, the other has children perfectly happy at home and at state school. At least one of the school holidays was spent at my grandparents' while my aunt and uncle went skiing together. They seem to be very close to their grandchildren but cannot fathom why they sent their own children away.