Boarding school for 7yr olds.

[Patchworkpatty]

This is not a TAAT but follows on from one earlier today where I appear out of step with the majority posting there. So want to ask the AIBU vipers opinions.

While discussing the other thread it lead me to do some internet investigation about the age of children in boarding schools in this country - and was horrified that there are many prep schools that offer 'full boarding' (not weekly and home weekends) from the age of 7 ! I am genuinely shocked and sad that such young children are sent away from home. These places appear really desirable to those parents desperate to ensure entry into 'the better public schools' .

How is this different from putting your 7 yr old in care ? IMHOthe only difference is that you pay for it and there are more activities. Surely it's not right to do this to such young children . I really thought that had stopped in the 1960s .!

Job that requires boarding school/life on benefits. Yeah not a false dilemma at all

And what if less money means losing your house?

If you can afford boarding school you could downsize to look after your own child

My friend was put into boarding school at age 7, in a separate country to her parents and where she didn’t speak the language! She doesn’t have any meaningful relationship with her parents.

Do you realise how insulting it is to children to be dumped out of the way like an inconvenience? And to suggest that there is nothing between a too-important-to-care job and scum on benefits as you outrageously suggest people are? Better a loving mum You term “scum” than a rich crap one.

I boarded from 10 and DH boarded from 7. We both loved it. As did all of our siblings.

We have always said we will give our children the option (if we can afford it). I would prefer not to do this till secondary school age, but I also don’t plan on leaving the forces to have children, so I guess DH will be staying home if they aren’t keen when they’re still under 11!

It doesn’t work for all children I agree, but for some it’s a great option and far better than the alternative.

Maybe they could get one of the hundreds of thousands of jobs that allow you to work and care for your own child sassy? You know, like everyone else.

I must admit though, if I had a child that rewuored very specialist schooling eg school for the deaf I would consider weekly boarding, even at 7. So yes there are circumstances under which it should be considered, just not pseudo ones like "my job requires it"

I don't understand why anyone would have children and then chose to send them away and only see them a few times a year? I couldn't think of anything worse. I had children because I wanted to raise them and enjoy a family life with them in it!

I once got into a v heated debate with a good friend's brother over this years ago, we'd had a few drinks and he was going on about how he'd chose boarding school for his (then hypothetical) kids. He went to boarding school himself from a very young age and loved it (so he said) although my friend told me a very different story as he was severely bullied and had his leg broken by the bullies at one point!!! He did get an excellent education, went to Cambridge and has a highflying career etc, but he does have psychological issues as an adult. He's got children of his own now and I'm pretty sure him and his equally high flying wife will be shipping them off before they're out of nappies. I just feel pitty for their children really despite how wealthy and how "perfect" their upbringing appears, their parent's careers and status will come before wanting to spend time as a family.

Well, my benefits pay for school fees so I must be benefit boarding school scum, then.
I often wonder if all this pearl clutching isn't jealousy.

Re all the comments about leaving your job.

Forces families have heavily subsidised housing and boarding school fees. Many would struggle with the transition to a civilian job, and many are not seen as particularly employable. So PPs are correct when they say, for some families it is a choice between keeping their job/house/boarding school, and living on benefits.

And as we have already established, boarding school doesn’t make you a shit parent, most of those parents will be trying to do the best for their child. And boarding schools now are very different to 30 years ago!

I will add my DC are now adults, happy, well balanced people. We have a very close relationship with them (as we always did) and they would both like to send their DC to boarding school at the same age if they can afford it.
We did not spend £1000's on school, we received an allowance from the MOD which covered 90% of the cost.
My DH could not just change his job, he had "signed up" to an agreement to serve for many years, if he just left his job he would have ended up in prison for being AWOL, and anyway we wanted them to go, not because we didn't love them, but because we did!
It was an opportunity for them to have a superior education we couldn't have otherwise afforded.
But we were very careful in our choice of school, there are many that are not good at pastoral care but also some which are very good at it.
My DC could phone home as often as they liked and we could call them, they were not "dumped" at school they were placed in a loving caring environment.

Each to their own, if that's what people choose to do with their kids, then so be it. But I think it's horrific. I couldn't send my child away at any age. There is no better place for my child that in my home. A child's place is with their family. Don't have kids if you don't want to bring them up.

DH and I boarded from a young age (him from 8, me from 9) in the 70s.

DH had an awful time. His parents were lovely and he would have been much better off staying at home.

My parents were quite dysfunctional and boarding school was my salvation. I dreaded the holidays.

All of our children are happily settled in their local (non selective) state schools

Who has established that sending your child to boarding school doesn’t make you a shit parent? It’s the absolute mark of one to me. Are you a parent at all when you communicate via WhatsApp and enforced letter writing on a Sunday? Are you a parent when you are not there when friendships break, tests are failed or aced, or problems discussed? You are a provider but not a carer. And you may live to regret it for a very long time.

Helacels - I hear you ❤️

Haha Romanyroots, like I’m guessing many on here I’d like to have the money to pay boarding school fees, but not actually to send my little ones there - I feel sympathy for the dc and pity for the parents, not jealousy. If they really have no option then it must be so hard for them.

Thank you iggi it is very hard
sometimes parents don't have a choice, or to choose not to would harm your relationship.
We are all different.

Maybe they could get one of the hundreds of thousands of jobs that allow you to work and care for your own child sassy? You know, like everyone else.

The young boarders at my school were usually African, Asian or Eastern European (particularly Russian). Their parents did high powered jobs frequently for the diplomatic services, IMF or World Bank. They came from countries where it wasn’t just a case of just getting another equally well paid job. They were hugely lucky to have got the opportunity and if they turned it down they would never have had it offered again. If the worker was the mother these were often countries and businesses that gave zero flexibility or help for maternity. It was literally doing that or poverty. Because of their jobs, their children couldn’t be in their home country because the threat to them from blackmail, kidnapping and extortion was too great. At one point, we had several daughters of a man who had been fairly elected as President of an African country but the previous incumbent wouldn’t go and put the father in jail where he later died in suspicious circumstances. His children would probably have been killed or harmed if they were in that country.

I believe a couple of the junior boarders also had mothers who were models (I think one was the daughter of Miss World or Universe or something) and their mothers were travelling most of the time and also had a limited shelf life in which they could earn money plus no support for motherhood or maternity in their profession.

A handful were from forces families posted in places deemed to dangerous for children.

Quite a few were children of women from quite poor countries who had managed to train up to get very high paid and skilled jobs overseas which made a huge difference to the lives of them and their families, but again, the money angle, a poor country - they felt safer putting their daughters in a school rather than leaving them with relatives as many tales of children fostered to relations and then exploited as slaves or worse were around.

I believe there was one child there whose mother had quite a serious mental illness and it was deemed preferable to a state funded care setting.

I don’t remember anybody just doing it because they felt like it. It was a bit sad sometimes yes, but still understandable in most circumstances.

I boarded from 11 and remember them as some of the happiest days in my life, I’m still in contact with many of my teachers.

I am not sure how you can justify labelling all parents who make that choice as ‘shit’?

Most do it because they think it is the best option for their children, they are trying to provide their children with the best education and opportunities they can. Just because they go away does not mean they are not loved, it doesn’t mean their mums don’t ring them every day. They may not get a cuddle after school from their mum, but maybe that’s the one sacrifice they make? And how many children have parents who work late or who work nights and barely see their children during the week?

I absolutely agree there will be some shit parents who probably shouldn’t have had kids and who use boarding school to get rid of them. But that is not every parent. Not by a long shot.

I recently toured a boarding school with a friend. I was curious because it is very prestigious. The dorms were something else. The smallest 5+ were in rooms of 3 with their own duvet and small locker. Once they were 11 they went into dorms of between 8 and 15. I was struggling to arrange my face. Then the laundry room, all the tiny socks and T-shirt’s folded up. The school gets results and I know a few adults who went there so I can’t say it doesn’t work. But currently Ds is asleep in my bed having read me hours of Harry Potter because “maths homework sucks”. Hard to imagine how he would cope without me there.

No option - really? Or just not convenient. Tell us why it’s so impossible to have your own kids in your own home - scared we might point out some alternatives? Not sure what we are supposed to be jealous of? Which particular bit of abuse and suffering are the rest of us so upset to be missing?

Actually Romanyroots I could send dd if I wanted to - I'm a single mum but have a decent inheritance and property.

I still choose not to. I don't rule out private schooling or giving her the option when she is in secondary school, but there is no way in hell I'd send her at 7. If nothing else, she's lovely and day school at private allows all of the bells and whistles without sacrificing hearing all about it over supper together or bed time cuddles and reading with funny voices together.

It seems to me that the only reason some posters are judgemental and aggressive to those of us that have chosen boarding school for our DC must be jealousy. Why else would they be so invested in other peoples choices for their children, it doesn't effect them or their children at all.
No just jealousy because they have to send their DC to failing state schools as they can't afford anything better!

I don't mean everyone who disagrees about boarding, just those that are calling us shits!

I disagree with earrings on babies, hitting children and FGM. I don’t like people who smoke around their children, or swear for that matter. I judge these people, though they would never know.
Does this mean I’m secretly jealous of them all?