Boarding school for 7yr olds.

[Patchworkpatty]

This is not a TAAT but follows on from one earlier today where I appear out of step with the majority posting there. So want to ask the AIBU vipers opinions.

While discussing the other thread it lead me to do some internet investigation about the age of children in boarding schools in this country - and was horrified that there are many prep schools that offer 'full boarding' (not weekly and home weekends) from the age of 7 ! I am genuinely shocked and sad that such young children are sent away from home. These places appear really desirable to those parents desperate to ensure entry into 'the better public schools' .

How is this different from putting your 7 yr old in care ? IMHOthe only difference is that you pay for it and there are more activities. Surely it's not right to do this to such young children . I really thought that had stopped in the 1960s .!

TheBoss

That sounds similar to our experience. We are only 40 mins away from school but if dd was a day pupil she'd be getting in at 10 some nights and have to leave at about 7.00am and would miss early morning practice as she couldn't do it that early at home.
She'd have no time with us and be permanently knackered, not that they aren't anyway
I'm just happy that she is thriving and having a good time, I can't imagine her being in a different school, she often says she wonders what her life would be like now had she gone to a state school.

I know plenty of people who have thrived with boarding at secondary level, particularly where parents have jobs involving a lot of travel/uncertainty.

However. Full-time boarding from 7 or thereabouts is emotional abuse. My (estranged) father boarded from that age. Only home in holidays. He wa and is emotionally fucked up , unable to communicate, secretive (and a liar), needs to control everything. It's eerie how similar some of the description of the effects are in these posts.

Saying that, I think boarding one or two nights a week from primary school age would be ok if necessary and it's a nice environment - no different to a sleepover.

I can also see how boarding could be really beneficial to a child with special needs.

Sukochicha No I don't mean women. I am well aware that because of the misogyny of most men, it is the woman who gives up her career, if both parents have jobs that mean being away from home most of the time. Children do need a loving parent who is interested in their child day to day. It can be the father or mother.

the holidays are very long in most boarding schools.

I don’t understand why any family wants to send their child away to boarding school at any age. Why? Why have a child to then send them away? Someone pleas explain

claire - I speak to my child every day whether she's boarding or not. And get endless emails/texts/messages from her. Being physically present and being loving and interested aren't the same thing.

Nothing many reasons, all of which have been explained upthread. I'm not sure I see a massive difference between a child boarding at 16 and going off to Uni at 18, TBH, dependent of course on the maturity and interests of the child.

The percentage of 7 year olds who wouldn't be emotionally damaged by this experience would be fairly small. I can't believe anyone would consider this unless for some reason the home life of the child was awful (domestic violence for example). No level of brilliant education and certainly no impressive sports facillities could compensate for a home life at that age. At secondary age I'm sure there are some who cope and even thrive - however I still think there's a propensity for kids to seem to be doing fine but actually to bottle things up when away at school so I'd still never do it personally unless I had a very compelling reason. Kids need time to decompress they don't need to be amongst friends and playing sport, music etc 24-7.

Nothing

There are all sorts of reasons why children board, for the majority it seems like a positive experience and certainly not like it used to be.
Quite often it's for the benefit of the children not the parents, and like any other choice in life parents do what's best for their children.
i can't speak for all parents but if mine wasn't happy or it wasn't worth her being there, she'd be home.

grasspigeons they are indeed. 4 weeks at Christmas, 4 weeks at Easter, a week of study leave in summer term on top of summer half term, 9 weeks off in the summer, with 3 day weekends once every half (on top of Bank Hols), plus the usual Oct/Feb half terms. There's no shortage of quality time at all.

Romany - exactly right. There's no practical reason right now that my DD needs to go to boarding school for senior school. She wants to. And if she ever changes her mind, that's fine, because she can continue as a day pupil.

TheBoss

I understand why some/ most posters are against though, as they only judge by what they hear, I was the same too.
it would be lovely for some to open their minds and realise that these days things are different.
The atrocities that happened at dd school years ago was absolutely terrible and my heart goes out to all those grown ups who look back at the abuse.
It just wouldn't happen today because we know so much, schools have to be transparent and there are so many safeguarding laws, and of course inspections. Of which you already know they have 3 different ones, I believe all boarding schools do?

zzzz

Not at all, but some poo poo without knowing anything about it, or believe what they think to be the absolute truth for everyone.
I used to be really anti boarding until my dd went.
it's something I had no experience of at all. In fact I only know a few people who received a private education and nobody who boarded.
So, it was completely new to us, I'm glad we tried as it's worked out so well for dd.

zzzzz

If you only knew
i've tried to find the threads, but can't. I was awful to one poster on here, absolutely horrible, I'm ashamed.
The poster HG helped me so much, I can't thank her enough.

I don't have a choice I'm afraid, but counselling has helped.

I understand why some/ most posters are against though, as they only judge by what they hear, I was the same too.

I don't think they need personal knowledge though. Anyone who knows anything about child development knows that children need to grow up feeling unconditional love. They should return to a loving home most days, where they can decompress and know that if they're grumpy and unreasonable they'll still be loved. Young kids often hold in those feelings until they get home and feel safe. It is not healthy to spend long periods of time in a situation where feelings like that are suppressed. However lovely and supportive staff are (and I'm sure most are) they cannot be replacement parents because they cannot provide love. I also know people who went to boarding school, felt at the time they loved it but now feel the emotional hangover. (I do also know people who enjoyed their boarding school time and have no regrets - all of these boarded after 13 years old though).

boss I am not sure where you are, but almost all public schools here are full boarding term to term with just the odd exeat. My own dd attends the only one with flexi. It is inaccurate to suggest that they are all moving to week only boarding.
This won’t happen as we rely on international students.

romany you and I both know that the older children have full access on their phones after supper and prep. I doubt very much they are ‘networking’ in the sense you imply!

Secondly skipping lunch and supper is not difficult, some of the girls learnt how to do it years ago. Once they hit 13 cook is not flapping about broccoli and children are usually expected to make independent choices and decisions.
Self harming and drug abuse is at record levels.

I am not against boarding schools at all! I maintain for the right child they can be beneficial, esp those dc that come from indifferent families. Dh and I went to public schools. I am simply pointing out that in today’s world it is very risky. More so than I was a child, we didn’t have drugs and SM. Internet porn and anxiety

Spring

Networking classes start at Y7 by the time they are 14 they have quite a profile.
Their cv, exams, professional work, contact, promoting future work etc.
I'm not saying they don't have their phones, of course they do, they have to at dd school for their live timetabling stream that can change from hour to hour. However, they tend not to need social media for friendship as they see their friends and text or call if they need to.
That's not to say that some don't use it, it's just not really necessary.
Children at dd school are observed during meal times, if one meal is skipped, not eaten, believe me we have a phone call.
I had one at 10pm before half term as she'd missed tea. Forgot to tell house she was having it with me.

romany You really are totally out of touch if you think that the children aren’t on social media just because they are together. When did you last see teens together?!
They take selfies or photos of each other and use SM relentlessly! There is no one there to check the content or what they are posting or doing.

Surely you must know this!

It may not be ‘neccessary’ but I don’t know a SINGLE teen that isn’t on snap chat, instagram and all the rest. They are not building their cvs after prep that is for sure
and that to be fair is the very least that they will be doing. As you must know if you are at all familiar with teenage boarders.

You have swallowed the school prospectus, and have over looked the cold hard reality.

spring

I don't need a prospectus, I see for myself Do you think we have no idea what our children do?
I know more of what goes on than some friends whose kids spend all their time in their bedrooms.
Of course they have social media, I said so. But it doesn't have the same appeal as those who go home and talk to friends online rather than physically being with friends.
Yes, they send selfies, my dd sends me some of her friends together.
Shows me how tidy or messy their dorm is.

I went to boarding school at 8. It was a lovely school and I had some great times there. My mum sent me to get me away from abusuve df do not the usual reason.

My dds are 9 and 6. I wouldn't send them for all the tea in China.

romany if your dd is happy and you are happy why are you being so defensive? This idea it is Enid Blyton is not especially accurate, but if you feel better imagining this is the case then don’t let me stop you.
I certainly won’t puncture your bubble with the real horror stories.

You have made a decision to send your child to boarding school, and the idea she receives more love, guidance, attention and care there than she would at home, says more about your parenting than anything else.

I don't know why you think I haven't heard the horror stories myself or researched before I allowed her to go.
I just think all schools are different whatever sector you look at.
I miss her terribly and i suppose I get defensive when I read people saying that we should be killed, don't love our children, should never have had them and of course are kidding ourselves that they are happy.
If a child is happy doing well and thriving it doesn't matter what type of school they are in.
When people discuss boarding, we can only speak of our own experience as a parent or past boarder.
We used to have a continuous boarding thread on here and I must admit to being surprised at how much individual schools differed.

Springwalk, don't delude yourself about drugs. There was drug use in my boarding school in Cornwall in the 1970s. No heroin, but smoking pot was common. There are drug users in all schools, from about 14 yo. The most expensive public schools you can name or the mainstream comprehensive; both will have an element that use drugs.

I went to school with tiny children sent away for education at five years old. Usually, their families were in mining communities in remote areas of Africa or Indo China (shows age) where there was no school at all. The little girls flew back home in holidays and spent weekends with grandma, or an aunt who was still local. Seriously, lots of girls I went to school with in the 1960s and 1970s lived in remote areas and would not have had a social life at all if it weren't for their school friends. We have friends overseas whose life was similar in the late 1990s, gold mining in Papua New Guinea where robbbery and/or murder was not unknown on the airside part of Port Blair airport.