Boarding school for 7yr olds.

[Patchworkpatty]

This is not a TAAT but follows on from one earlier today where I appear out of step with the majority posting there. So want to ask the AIBU vipers opinions.

While discussing the other thread it lead me to do some internet investigation about the age of children in boarding schools in this country - and was horrified that there are many prep schools that offer 'full boarding' (not weekly and home weekends) from the age of 7 ! I am genuinely shocked and sad that such young children are sent away from home. These places appear really desirable to those parents desperate to ensure entry into 'the better public schools' .

How is this different from putting your 7 yr old in care ? IMHOthe only difference is that you pay for it and there are more activities. Surely it's not right to do this to such young children . I really thought that had stopped in the 1960s .!

Plus there's always a niggle that I don't really know what I'm doing, not having been "raised" as it were within a family.

My parents both went to boarding school. It took me many years to realise that the decisions that they took about how to treat me and my sister as teens came from a place of total ignorance of our needs! My parents thought school should be doing all the work of educating and raising us, as that is what their private boarding schools had done. They were alternately totally negligent and far too strict and they didn’t think we needed a social life outside school.

Blithering really? I was a teen back in the 80s, and my friends and I definitely used to just hang around places even back then, especially at weekends. It was amazing how much time just doing nothing used to fill!

TheBossOfMe.

I was at boarding school hence why I've no concept of normal teen life

That must be hard when raising your own children.

Me too, Blithering - but there were still holidays and exeats. Although I'm realising from reading this thread that I may have been very lucky in my boarding experience compared to some - lots of exeats and "special leave" granted, and parents who accepted that by Sixth Form, I was done with boarding, and allowed me a huge amount of freedom.

I'm trying very hard to make sure that my DD has the same positive experience of boarding (with better food and more heating, less said about both of those the better) - which is why I'm discounting all schools that don't take a similarly flexible approach to weekly boarding and flexible weekend leave. Full boarding won't work for her - it works really well for some of our friends' children, but for DD she needs the warm embrace of home, if only for some R&R.

I'll probably be eating my words in a couple of years when she's demanding to be a day pupil after two weeks of proper boarding though

I suspect though that holidays are very different from day-to-day life.

None of my friends lived nearby so no one to see in holidays

That must have been lonely.

Blithering - that is indeed lonely; it's something that I think parents of boarders forget about.

Claire, probably, but I didn't know any different so it was my normal. I had a slightly odd family set-up - we're incredibly close, but it wasn't what most people would have considered your usual nuclear family with two parents and home and weekends of family activities situation. So I appreciate what worked for us might have seemed utterly bonkers to other people.

There was a lot about my childhood that was bonkers. I work very hard to give my DD the stability that was missing from mine. Love on its own isn't enough IME, you need structure and certainty as well to make children secure.

Totally agree that love on its own is not enough. I know it is not the subject of this thread, but most parents of kids taken into care for neglect do love their children, they just can't cope with life enough to give their kids what they need.
And with a partner, love on its own is not enough.

Very true, Claire.

I was a teen in the 80's and wasn't allowed to go and hang out with friends, was never allowed sleepovers or to go to any.
I went to a rubbish comp and although had a lovely upbringing was surrounded by poverty, high unemployment and hopelessness. My parents believed "No good comes from wandering the streets" It was a bit Boys from the Blackstuff though.
I think boarding schools from the past sound barbaric, I'm not sure about any other boarding schools as haven't been to any but these stories and assumptions are so far removed from dd school and my experiences.
I have read some awful things on threads like these and in the media and my heart goes out to those badly affected.

Romany I grew up in a very rough area and was allowed to do all of those things. But in any rough area, there are decent families and kids as well.

A few people on this thread mentioned that their experience wouldn't be allowed now.

I remember hearing about the horrors of my ex's boarding school when he was a young child. It was the mid 1980s, and I thought that would never be allowed now. Obviously I was wrong, as it was happening to some of you, right then.

I wonder how many of us reassure ourselves that times have changed , when they haven't at all, and it is just a false perspective about change.

My brothers both boarded from age 8 onwards (early 1990s). Not sure they massively loved it but it was what my Step dad did so thought it was good for his kids too.
I boarded from 11 - I didn't hate it, wouldn't say I loved it but I enjoyed some parts of it. I think I'm reasonably well adjusted.

I wouldn't personally send my own kids away to school (except some days when they royally piss me off ) but I'm not sure we can necessarily judge. Some parents have their reasons, lots of kids at my school had parents who worked overseas in places you wouldn't really want to bring up kids, they were in the forces, they moved around a lot etc.
Lots of children are now looked after on a daily basis by childminders/nurseries etc from being under a year old - they have little day to day contact with their parents in some cases.
Boarding schools are not some horrific borstal type places either. You can go to one & be pretty normal.

claire

I found it interesting that class was no distinction to whether kids hung around or not. I wasn't implying it was because the people were rough, it's that my parents believed in cultural activities, so was busy most nights after school.

cheesy
I totally agree with you and have found that dd school has the same type of community as state schools I know. We are always invited in for lots of things and I think we see and hear from her much more than we would if she was at a local state school.
I think it's also important to remember that even in just one sector such as private the schools vary and can be quite different from another, just the same as you find with state schools. Our grown up dc past schools were completely different to each other.

It would be so handy to send my kids away, focus on my career, see them for holidays and fun stuff but I realise that putting them into the care of adults who don’t actually care for them or love them is the fastest way to F them up. So I don’t. Even though we could afford it financially.

I think most parents send their children to boarding school because they prefer to live lifestyles which are incompatible with having a child. I also think that some parents clearly don't have much of a bond with their children. This isn't to say they don't care for them but it can't be that visceral sense of love that I feel for my children.

My brother and I both went to boarding school. I was entered for mine when I was a few weeks old (I still have the letter). It was just the done thing - we were just the latest in a long line of family who had been shipped off to the same public schools for generations, and my parents were under pressure from their parents to carry on the status quo. There was no thought as to whether this was right for a particular child at all. Once we had both gone away (1960s, and public schools were pretty tough in those days), my poor mother missed us so much she ended up having two more children in our absence. There is 18 years between the youngest and oldest siblings. The two youngest went to a private day school. My parents were older and wiser and had seen that, although academically excellent, public/boarding schools can cause emotional harm, certainly then, when the regimes and conditions were extremely hard.

Well, I know of about 1000 kids who board and they do so for their own career prospects and social mobility.
None of them are sent, they work hard to get there and are quite gifted.
When you minus these and other children with similar reasons, you are really left with the elite public schools and a few others.
None of the parents lifestyles are incompatible with having children.
I'm sure this exists, but not to the extent that I think people presume.

Yes, we have changed our lifestyle, quite often do a school run on a sunday evening.
Our lives have changed ito work patterns, holidays, and of course school commitments which are huge. I feel like I'm never away from the place.
I'm finding it hard to find work too, as I can't justify not being here when she is on holiday and of course they have so much more than state schools. She is old enough to spend time on her own, and sometimes goes to visit friends and family, but if at home we like to be with her.

Anyone that feels the need to justify their decision to use a boarding school for literally days may have some serious misgivings deep down.

If the boarding school offers such advantages why then do you clearly have doubts? You are making the case to such a degree, but really you just need to convince yourself and your own conscience, not the internet