Boarding school for 7yr olds.

[Patchworkpatty]

This is not a TAAT but follows on from one earlier today where I appear out of step with the majority posting there. So want to ask the AIBU vipers opinions.

While discussing the other thread it lead me to do some internet investigation about the age of children in boarding schools in this country - and was horrified that there are many prep schools that offer 'full boarding' (not weekly and home weekends) from the age of 7 ! I am genuinely shocked and sad that such young children are sent away from home. These places appear really desirable to those parents desperate to ensure entry into 'the better public schools' .

How is this different from putting your 7 yr old in care ? IMHOthe only difference is that you pay for it and there are more activities. Surely it's not right to do this to such young children . I really thought that had stopped in the 1960s .!

@zzz There simply aren't enough deaf/Deaf children to provide a school environment tailored to their needs at home. I don't know much about the subject, but I do know (because it was in the news recently) that statistically deaf children do badly in mainstream. And that's before you get into aural vs signing, which a Deaf person would need to discuss.

I do admire your commitment to idealism, but sometimes a dose of realism is also necessary.

I wonder how many appalled DMs on here sent their babies into wrap around care from 12 months or earlier. Cared for by strangers when too young to voice any issues and seen for less than an hour a day by their parents

I don’t think this is a fair comparison really.

Firstly the number of children in childcare for more than 50 hours a week is small.

Most working parents (certainly any I know) are juggling their hours, compressing hours, working 4 days, wfh when possible, roping in family to minimise time spent.

And even in full time care, they’re still waking up with parents, having brekkie, chatting on the way in to childcare, then eating dinner as a family, doing homework, stories, sleeping in their own bed. That’s all very important if you ask me.

And then there are weekends.

I'd never do it. I wouldn't send an older child to boarding school either unless they actively wanted to go.

I was a SAHM until DS started school but I don't think you can compare boarding school to necessary childcare when parents have to work.

@zzz I'm sorry you thought I was rude, I was trying to be complimentary.

In answer to my own question, there are approximately 560,000 students educated privately in the UK, split 49/51 between boys and girls.

70,000 are boarders, 45,000 are in 'senior', 18,000 are 'middle' and 7,000 are 'junior' (age 11 and under), there were 9, six year olds, 150 seven year olds and 545 eight year olds.

This does not the one State boarding school that takes children in years 3 to 6.

90% of Sixth form, 80% of Senior and 45% of junior pupils who board are considered to be full boarding as opposed to weekly or flexi boarding which is interesting compared to the impression I had from the boards on MN.

So it seems, there are very few children who board ages 5 to 10.

(I did fall down a rabbit hole on some other interesting statistics but I will save that for my own personal analysis!!)

@GreatDuckCookery - ok, I don't think that's actually mean personally, it's really contextualising what may be very harrowing for the child, at 9 ... and older, children need love, care, support and a school environment isn't where this is found. Great if you happen to stumble upon a situation where the 'house parent ' does support and care but it's clearly not the norm

@ForgivenessIsDivine nice one with those stats!

@zzz Well, I genuinely admire people who are that idealistic because they are often the ones who effect real change

The comment about realism was intended to be regretful.

@SilviaSalmon - wrap around care, albeit not ideal, isn't the same, they get daily interaction and daily confirmation that their family is there caring for them - they sleep at home at night, nurtured by their parents every single day - very different to boarding away from home for lengthy periods
@Perty01234 that's terrible for that poor child I cannot understand how a parent would be happy to literally dump their kid on another family over exeat periods - phenomenal

@marcopront - that's because of your support to those children, other people with your same job may work very differently to you - luck of the draw if a staff member is that supporting ... or just mean and not bothered about comforting young children

I went to a prep school where about 30% of the pupils boarded, some FT as their parents lived abroad. I shudder at the recollection of the inadequate care received by some of my classmates.

Sukochicha while I don’t doubt such set ups exist (nanny 12 hours a day) it is far from the norm - well may be in the circles you move in, also clearly the circles that send dc away to board! I see plenty of my dc. Between us we have dropped days/altered working patterns and even when both at work the children are at home by 6 at the latest - dinner and bed? No chance! Of course all parents can feel guilty about the choices they make but choosing to send your dc away when not forced to, for the sake of making “better” connections and having a “better” education - well sometimes parents should feel guilty.

but not the same as a parent.

That kind of depends on the parent. I think there can be an assumption that because you can afford BS, you would be a good parent (as most people in that income bracket are well educated/ functioning members of society), but it doesn't necessarily follow.

The fact is, as pp pointed out, v few children of junior school age now board. Most of those only board weekly (the full boarding numbers will include children who attend full boarding schools but who do go home at weekends- very few boarding schools that offer full boarding mandate it). For most of those in full boarding there are typically certain circumstances that make it a reasonable choice.

For a couple of friends of mine, their parents were just massive flakes (not abusive or unkind but just didn't parent at all- no boundaries/routines) and boarding school gave them a lot of stability that they lacked at home. So even though they don't think it was ideal, they think it was better than the alternative.

Bottom line: the choice at that age is rarely between stable home environment with engaged parents who tuck you in at night and help with homework on one hand and boarding on the other.

For two working parents with well paid careers, having a nanny working for 12 hours a day 7am -7pm is pretty normal.

I agree. Some DC just don’t get to spend a lot of time with their parents due to work commitments. I know DC who have grown up barely seeing a parent from Monday to Friday.

bitch

I compare the two as we have never used childcare, 3 dc and we didn't want to use it. We even Home edded until dd started to board.
I look at the time we have together and it's far more than had we both kept working and using childcare.
We cut our cloth accordingly and went without a lot of things to afford a sahp, because it was important to us.
Modern day boarding is not the same for everyone as children vary in development and personality, and we see far more of dd than we would if she'd have had a lot of childcare as a baby/toddler.

I'm probably talking out of my backside, as I don't have experience of being at a boarding school or sending my children there (although DS1 could board at his school, it wasn't something I considered as not needed also I couldn't afford even state boarding fees). But unless there are very compelling reasons such as both parents deployed or working abroad with no suitable schooling available, no family who could care for the child, or special needs meaning a particular school will greatly aid a child - I feel it's very damaging to children to board from age 7.

I used to feel that boarding was damaging full stop, but now I actually have a teenager I can see how it could really benefit some children (not all by any means) at an older age. I'm sure DS1 would thrive if he boarded now, he'd probabily work harder at school and would have the opportunity to take part in the many activities his school encourage. I'd miss him greatly, but he could phone/Skype me daily, come home each weekend if he wanted etc. But my DS2 is 6 and I couldn't fathom sending him off in September! He absolutely could not cope with it at all, and he is an extremely confident, independent child. No matter how lovely the pastoral staff are and how good the school is, it's no substitute for actually having a parent's care imo.

While it’s lovely to hear some carers in boarding schools are kind, it’s really not in any way the same as parenting

Totally agree

I also don’t think it’s comparable with a nanny.

A nanny is chosen by you, can be observed at work by you, changed by you if you have any concerns. And a nanny is (usually) focused on just your children.

@marcopront - that's because of your support to those children, other people with your same job may work very differently to you - luck of the draw if a staff member is that supporting ... or just mean and not bothered about comforting young children

Why are you only saying this to me?
Why are you not telling the people who have made negative comments that "it is luck of the draw if a member of staff is mean"

I was disagreeing with someone who said all boarding stover no support. I know that is not true. Many do.

Re the comparisons to ' being in care' yes there are significant issues with the care system but the care system can often be a nurturing foster placement or small residential unit eg 3 children with trained care staff (and unlikely to be got 7 year olds) and in many ways I feel this must be more nurturing than boarding school for children.

And the difficties care leavers have are at least in part a result of their experiences before going into care.

*there were 9, six year olds, 150 seven year olds and 545 eight year olds8

It may be for these children being brought up in an institution is better than being brought up by their parents sadly.

My biggest concern are for the increasing volume of young teens with MH issues. They will fall through the cracks unless the HM is very vigilant. By the time the parent becomes aware of self harming/drug abuse/suicidal tendencies/ depression and anxiety the child could already be in a very, very bad place. They are vulnerable targets on SM, grooming etc as no one is checking...

If you see your children every day you will notice straight away. If you see your child every six weeks or longer in some cases then early detection is very unlikely.
I can’t help but feel these children are exposed, and increasingly so, to some very real dangers.