To think this is really shitty of this lad.

[HarrySnotter]

DS (15) and his friend (will call him Ben) been pals since nursery school. Done lots of things over the years together, sleepovers, scouts, days out etc. Ben is a very bright lad and can come across as a little 'superior' sometimes but DS always ignored this. His mum and I are good friends and she is absolutely lovely. Ben has been going to a private school since the beginning of Y9, DS is at the local comp so they don't see each other as often now and both boys have always had lots of other friends independently of each other. They chat on Xbox and hang around when they can, though Ben has been rarely available over the last year or so.

His mum and he were due to come round this afternoon and the boys were going into town for a wander, something to eat or whatever 15 year olds do, while I caught up with his mum. My friend arrived on her own full of apologies and said that Ben suddenly felt unwell as he was leaving so has stayed at home. DS a bit disappointed but went off to meet another mate etc and I had a nice afternoon with Ben's mum.

DS has just come home and showed me this message from Ben. 'Hey just to say I prob won't be round anymore, I spend my time with my mates from private school now and you can't really keep up so ...' DS is gutted and said that if he didn't want to hang out anymore then fair enough, he should have just left it rather than making him feel like he's not good enough as a mate anymore.

What a shit thing to do.

Why is it unbelievable?. My cousin went to boarding school and would be perfectly behaved in front of my parents but as soon as they left would call me a pleb.

@HarrySnotter just wanted to say good for you for letting the other boy’s parent know. They are children. It us our responsibility as parents to teach them how to behave, right from wrong. How are we supposed to do that if we don’t know how they are behaving?

Speaking psychologically, ignoring you’re child being treated badly, or just telling them to get over it does not teach resiliance it just teaches them you don’t care. Resiliance is nurtured with support and guidance and above all knowing that as a child your feelings are valid, important and that you are loved regardless.

If you'd posted this about 5 years ago I would suspect that 'Ben' was my friend's son. He went to a private and very well regarded secondary school based on a scholarship and bursary as she was on a low wage. I've no idea exactly how it worked, just that my friend didn't have to pay fees. 'Ben' was incredibly clever and passed the scholarship exam easily.

However she kept that part from 'Ben' as she didn't want his classmates judging him if he told them how he had got into the school. Over the first couple of years he developed a very unpleasant attitude. Looking down on his friends from primary who had gone to the local secondary school and thinking that he was so much better than they were.

For context his absent Father had gone to a top public school. He was the most arrogant and ill informed abusive arsehole it has ever been my displeasure to meet. My friend did not want her DS to turn out the same way, despite them being NC due to his abuse.

After one particularly unpleasant episode where he called a former best friend a peasant because he didn't study Latin, my fantastic friend did the following:

Sat 'Ben' down and told him they had to sell the house and move into council accommodation;
Told him he would be moving to the local comprehensive school at the start of next term;
Told him he would have to get a weekend job to supplement their income so he should start looking.

She let him believe that for an entire week. There were a few days shouting and crying and a few days reflecting. She only told him when he had drafted a job application and had researched which comprehensive he would like to go to and why.

It really turned him and his attitude around. He dropped the arsey attitude and understood that he wasn't anything special. Clever yes, as are many DC, but he was bloody lucky to get into the school he did due to his DM's determination. He's now at Uni and doing well but thankfully isn't a twat.

I have a son only a bit older (16).

I think it's really inappropriate to get involved in something like this at their age.

My son would maybe want to talk about it with me, but he would make his own decision on how to react, if at all. He'd be mortified if his mummy got involved. How infantilising.

I have a 15 year old son and was asked specifically by several of my son's friends to intervene in some very horrid messaging going on. My son was not part of it but he was sent the screen shot and asked to alert me to tell the parent of the child it was directed at.

It stopped it dead, school were involved due to what was said. My son and his friends let the abusive messenger know that it was out of line, but to draw a line under it, that everyone can be a bit of a dick and to move on but if it happened again they couldn't be friends with him.

Sometimes parents do still need to step in otherwise some children might believe their behaviour is acceptable and carry on doing it.

Well that right there is good enough reason not to use a private school

I'd probably laugh my head off if my 15 yer old DS received that from a "mate" and DS would reply with something along the lines of "oh get you, clever chops" or whatever lingo they use nowadays 😂

Nah I disagree EdWinchester

If the parent of the boy sending messages like that was my friend then I would absolutely get involved as my friends would want to know if their DC were behaving like twats.

And if it was my DS sending messages like that I would absolutely want to know so I could deal with it.

Not infantilising at all. It's preparing teenagers for how to behave appropriately and teaching them what is and is not appropriate. I think it's really fucking tragic that we have to point this shit out to anyone to be honest. How early do we have to tell people to not be a twat?

Sadly, the "school of hard knocks" dictates that there are entitled morons in the world, and the lad in question falls into that category. Part of me wants the OP to forward the message onto the mother, to show her what an utter plonker she has raised, but if he is that much of an idiot, my guess is mother is possibly vaguely supportive of the attitude.

Sorry a bit tangential to the op. You don't think classism is just as bad? I certainly do! It's why we have people thinking it's perfectly acceptable to treat people on benefits or in low paid jobs like shit! It's happening on a grand scale in this country right now and such attitudes are (albeit indirectly) costing lives!

I completely agree, society has become so individualistic and elitist, and it’s causing real damage. The amount of people, most of whom are working, that are reliant on benefits or even food banks is disgraceful. But instead of people getting upset with employers or the government everyone shrugs their shoulders and says ‘they need to get better jobs then’ or just ‘work harder’, believe me low paid work is hard.

The thing is, secretly we’re all little Bens thinking that those people deserve their poverty, that we’re smarter and harder working and just better than them- it’s disgusting.

When Winston Churchill’s nanny came to visit him when he was at Harrow he took her out ( and walked with her on his arm) around the area in full sight of his adolescent friends. That’s courage.

The OP’s son is an insecure teenager showing off to his new friends. He will be lucky to escape the druggy milieu of private school. My friend’s son ended up not only taking heroin but dealing it and stealing from his private school friends.

Lucky escape - but pity the poor friend.

Ben sounds like a cunt. Your poor friend.

Your son is better off out!

You did absolutely the right thing - doesn't matter their age, that was a pompous, selfish, nasty comment and his mother was entitled to know what a twat he's becoming -

As for the disbelievers, if someone is lying fine, but if they are telling the truth and they ask for opinions that's what we are here for ... you can't know for sure, but hijacking the thread is just annoying and unnecessary

One of my own mantras!
Always be nice to everyone at the bottom of the ladder as you go up , as you may well fall on them on the way back down to the floor.

It was a horrible thing to say and your son is better off without him in his life. A tough lesson to learn at fifteen that not everyone is nice or worth bothering with.
It may well be a hacked account though : best to find out it's genuine first maybe especially if it's out of the blue ?

It is nasty and cruel. They are children learning about relationships and it is possible to redeem something from it. He is very young at 15 to be taught such a nasty lesson, but you could turn it round as a learning curve. He has just learned that not everyone who calls themselves 'friend' is one. Try to turn it so that he does not distrust everyone he meets, but try to explain to him that some friendships are not worth having and this is one of them.

Seriously llizzie what’s so cruel and nasty about his DM talking to him about not being a twat? It may might well save him some worse pain in the future. The OP has only asked his DM to talk to him. If I were his DM I would want to know.

OP
Sounds like your DS is better off without a pompous twat like that.

I'm lower than working class, always have been, yet I've worked for/with some extremely well off and upper.middle class people, who have always been extremely good to me, without looking down on me.

Not even the queen's cousin, looks at lower classes with disdain. He is extremely respectful.

So this little oik, who is only at that school due to his PARENTS hardwork, has obvs turned, and I say.. good riddance to bad rubbish!

Your DS is better off having friends who treat him equally.

Kids can be brutally honest. The whole point of the private school is to make him a 'cut above' the local comp. Life isn't fair, and that's what they're paying for. Confidence comes first, humility may follow. Sorry.

Your son needs to rise above this.
I have to say Children that go to private school tend to have a disrespectful attitude towards others . Oh , I can see all the mothers who send their children to private schools up in arms , but I’m speaking from first hand knowledge of this . I also have a friend who’s husband and daughters were in private education and she says exactly the same as me . Seems as if they have the attitude of “ I’m alright jack “ forget about the others . Your son needs to concentrate on himself and his friends . I’m sure his private educated friend will want him when things go tits up but your son shouldn’t have to pander to him .

@exaltedwombat I think that's the idea in a really wanky private school. By having that attitude he isn't a cut above the rest, he's a sad little maggot.

Well that right there is good enough reason not to use a private school

Good thinking! There are no knobs in state schools.

snottynosedsheila: not quite sure I understand what you mean. Am I reading your comment right? Writing a note to a friend rather than face him is nasty. Everyone has to learn that lesson at one time or another, but notes like this are bullying and at that age he may not realise that it is not his fault. 15 year olds are vulnerable. The most important thing is to explain to her son about relationships and help him get over the break, Why waste energy and time on the lad who obviously thinks he is a cut above?

@SnotttyNosedSheila you're friend's story is so satisfying. Wish there were more parents like that.

*your

If keeping up means being a twat, looks like your son dodged a bullet. This is one of those where no response is the best response, don’t tell the boy’s mother, it’ll cast a shadow on your friendship. I’d screenshot the message though and save it somewhere in case there’s any repeat or escalation. Also I think it’ll irk the little scrote more if you two continue to be friends because, at the back of his mind, he’ll worry that sooner or later he might have to look your son right in the eye and that’s gonna suck after sending a message like that..