To think this is really shitty of this lad.

[HarrySnotter]

DS (15) and his friend (will call him Ben) been pals since nursery school. Done lots of things over the years together, sleepovers, scouts, days out etc. Ben is a very bright lad and can come across as a little 'superior' sometimes but DS always ignored this. His mum and I are good friends and she is absolutely lovely. Ben has been going to a private school since the beginning of Y9, DS is at the local comp so they don't see each other as often now and both boys have always had lots of other friends independently of each other. They chat on Xbox and hang around when they can, though Ben has been rarely available over the last year or so.

His mum and he were due to come round this afternoon and the boys were going into town for a wander, something to eat or whatever 15 year olds do, while I caught up with his mum. My friend arrived on her own full of apologies and said that Ben suddenly felt unwell as he was leaving so has stayed at home. DS a bit disappointed but went off to meet another mate etc and I had a nice afternoon with Ben's mum.

DS has just come home and showed me this message from Ben. 'Hey just to say I prob won't be round anymore, I spend my time with my mates from private school now and you can't really keep up so ...' DS is gutted and said that if he didn't want to hang out anymore then fair enough, he should have just left it rather than making him feel like he's not good enough as a mate anymore.

What a shit thing to do.

What is DHOYTA?

Yes but the boys’ mothers’ are friends which is probably why he told his mother, plus maybe he was feeling hurt and wanted to tell someone about it, I know that if someone hurts my feelings then I need to tell somebody, just to get it out, and I’m a grown woman.

I disagree with the pp that this attitude is often learned at home, not always, some lovely parents have horrible kids, or maybe 3 good ones & one shitty one, and vice verca, also Ben is 15 so old enough to come to his own conclusions about things.

@evesaidwhat some of us don't check out of parenting our kids once they hit their teenage years. I'd want to know if my kid was behaving like a spoiled shit.

Keep your kids away from mine, thanks.

If it was a random parent then yes, don't forward message but these Mums are friends. I'd definitely want to know if my DCs were being that unpleasant to family friends. I didn't stop parenting when they were teens either

What did he mean by cant keep up? Does he mean academically? Or financially? Anyway it’s irrelevant. He is a little shit that WILL get his comeuppance.

'Yes but the boys’ mothers’ are friends which is probably why he told his mother, plus maybe he was feeling hurt and wanted to tell someone about it, I know that if someone hurts my feelings then I need to tell somebody, '

Yes I agree it's always good to talk about hurt feelings. It's good to give strategies for coping with them too that doesn't involve forwarding texts. The fact the parents are friends makes it worse imo. The next meet up won't be awkward at all.

Anyway, we all do things differently. They are 15 though

So @EveSaidWhat if your friends child hurt your child then you wouldn’t be mad enough to say something to your friend?

It is perfectly possible to attend public school and not emerge sneering and vulgar, for the most part.

However, did he mean keep up in terms of spending or intellect. Both horrid things to say to a friend, but are we making an assumption?

'if your friends child hurt your child then you wouldn’t be mad enough to say something to your friend?'

Of course I would want to, but at 15 they have got to learn to handle minor snubs like this themselves. Mum telling tales is not necessary.

I would listen, reassure, then encourage them to forget the little shit.

I think you did the right thing op, if a friend saw one of my dc behaving that badly I would want them to tell me.

That message says FAR more about Ben than it does your son!

Let your son write this joker off as the stuck up little snob he is (yea yea we shouldn't call kids names but sometimes they are!) and take comfort that it's HIGHLY likely this young man will encounter someone at this private school (this behaviour doesn't say much for that school either!) who will think exactly the same of him. Karma does exist. Sometimes it takes a while but it gets there.

If I learned a child of mine had sent a text like that I would be embarrassed and livid with them. Absolutely no call to be so nasty.

I would have forwarded the exact text to the mother as follows:

"Ben sent ds this today:

"Text content"

I don't expect the boys to be friends just because we are or if either outgrows the friendship (as can happen)

BUT I certainly DO expect

Good manners, polite behaviour & kindness including that YOU don't outright lie to us about why he didn't come to a pre-arranged meeting, cancelling at the last minute."

Absolutely YES to boys can be just as spiteful as girls. I've worked with teens in a voluntary capacity inc scouts (for a few years before girls were admitted - showing my age there!) and they absolutely can be horrific to each other, I've also experience in the same way with the girls and there's little difference to be honest at this age. Umpteen times we had to settle disputes about "he stole my friend" or "he said I was stupid/useless at sport/X video game/activity" just argh!

Orchiddingme - I totally disagree. There's any number of ways he could have POLITELY explain he felt they'd outgrown EACH OTHER he could even have asked his mother to help him compose a message - dd asks me when she's struggling with something like this.

She and I have a wide circle of friends since primary age for dd and high school age for me, including people who've gone to private schools, people who come from very wealthy families. Not one of them had or would ever behave like this or we wouldn't be friends with them. Not because they're special, they're just good, decent people.

I also don't agree the Porsche comment was reverse snobbery it was a response to actual snobbery. I'd love to know what your response would have been in that situation the person who said this was reverse snobbery? Are the plebs meant to just silently ignore?

The possible reasons for such behaviour are not the OP'S or her sons problem, there's no excuse that defends this. Bens mother may need to explore why and address it (and be very clear it's not on whatever the reasons).

Witchend - ANY comment about "keeping up" and referencing the school is out of line!

"The time to raise anything with parents is when there are offensive comments, such as racism or homophobia. Get a grip op." You don't think classism is just as bad? I certainly do! It's why we have people thinking it's perfectly acceptable to treat people on benefits or in low paid jobs like shit! It's happening on a grand scale in this country right now and such attitudes are (albeit indirectly) costing lives!

Those saying that op shouldn't have said to bens mum - how does that address the issue? Not necessarily of OP's sons offence but of bens arrogance and snobbery? How could bens mum address it if she's unaware?

If I were bens mum I'd WANT to know!

Just a random friend, my child wouldn't look back. But if they'd been a close family friend then yes I'd speak casually to mum. Just as I'd expect her to let me know my child was an idiot. These children need to know the right path, and as parents we're the ones to (try) to put them right.

Did he mean keeping up in terms of spending or intellect I suspect social standing and perceived class.

Several of the boys I know who have been to private school have behaved in a similar way to this. They've turned out to be smart-arsed egotistical shits who think they are God's gift, have egos the size of a planet, and delight in belittling anyone they perceive to be inferior. Politicians in the making, probably.

Totally right to tell his mum. If one of my kids did this then I would really want to know about it. His mum sounds like she has her head screwed on OK.

And it's good for Ben in the long term, too. That kind of attitude and behaviour is going to cause him a lot of problems in life if it's not nipped in the bud.

We recently moved our kids from state to private, and if I thought they had anything like this attitude then I would be moving them straight back again. Because nothing in parenting is more important than not raising an arsehole.

I hope his mother can deal with it before the attitude becomes ingrained. I had to deal with ‘boys’ like this at university. Some of them had become more human by the second year, some were set to be awful for life.

Ben sounds like a bit of a knob but I do agree that message is slightly odd, like there’s a typo or something. You can’t keep up??

At the very least OP son should text back: “Whatever knob end.”

Yea that's pretty shitty

So sorry for your son x

What a wicked thing to do. I wonder if his mum will think his private education was money well spent after hearing this. I would be so ashamed if my children ever displayed that horrid attitude. Disgusting.

My daughter was privately educated, and as much of many of them were little shits, like any kid, I've never seen anything like this. It's interesting he was state till year 9. So what 13/14? He's only been there a year or two?

I'd wonder what would prompt him to proactively send such a message. So I'd say something is going on with that kid. Either he's not fitting in, like any kid joining a school later, where many kids might already be in cliques from feeder schools, or is parents have made such a big deal of it it's having a negative impact.

I'd say something's wrong with the kid and it's not just snobbiness.

I'd also ask if your son was alright with you telling the other mum? Did you ask him? At 15 I'd go with my daughters feelings on this. Because telling mum can cause further ructions between the kids.

I hope the snobby little shit's mum wipes the floor with him.

Little shit

Pull the other one, it's got bells on it.

Clearly deliberately designed to get posters to start slagging off snobs from private school.

prettypossums
Not sure what you found to be proud of in this outburst. Reverse snobbery is as unattractive as snobbery imho

I was proud that my lad didn't feel put down by someone else who liked to flash dad's money and was able to stick up for himself and make the point that money isn't everything.
I was proud that he didnt feel he has to keep up with his super rich mate that likes to brag and he didn't feel humiliated at an attempt at putting us down.
Its bullshit that its reverse snobbery. The point was you don't need to flash what you have or think you are above someone because you have a private education,, nice cars etc.
Reverse snobbery my arse!!🤣
BTW it wasn't an outburst it was a calm measured reply to someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

I’m glad it’s from a friend you could talk to. Your son sounds lovely. I love the reply of “cheerio then”
He doesn’t deserve to be felt unwanted pot thing. They still need us to have their back

I can well believe this. I went to private school and the snobbery and elitism - with attitudes like this - among some of the children even aged 10 was very real. Sad to see it's still alive and kicking 25 years later.