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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is really shitty of this lad.

273 replies

HarrySnotter · 14/02/2019 17:09

DS (15) and his friend (will call him Ben) been pals since nursery school. Done lots of things over the years together, sleepovers, scouts, days out etc. Ben is a very bright lad and can come across as a little 'superior' sometimes but DS always ignored this. His mum and I are good friends and she is absolutely lovely. Ben has been going to a private school since the beginning of Y9, DS is at the local comp so they don't see each other as often now and both boys have always had lots of other friends independently of each other. They chat on Xbox and hang around when they can, though Ben has been rarely available over the last year or so.

His mum and he were due to come round this afternoon and the boys were going into town for a wander, something to eat or whatever 15 year olds do, while I caught up with his mum. My friend arrived on her own full of apologies and said that Ben suddenly felt unwell as he was leaving so has stayed at home. DS a bit disappointed but went off to meet another mate etc and I had a nice afternoon with Ben's mum.

DS has just come home and showed me this message from Ben. 'Hey just to say I prob won't be round anymore, I spend my time with my mates from private school now and you can't really keep up so ...' DS is gutted and said that if he didn't want to hang out anymore then fair enough, he should have just left it rather than making him feel like he's not good enough as a mate anymore.

What a shit thing to do.

OP posts:
Sowing747 · 15/02/2019 23:12

What Carriecakes80 said - your DS HAS to respond with that!!

Frazzledmum123 · 15/02/2019 23:20

I'm actually with you on this @EveSaidWhat and believe me I'm not a backseat parent, it's take a lot of effort for me to not become a helicopter parent as I over analyse and worry a lot. I guess it depends on the friendship so I kind of get speaking to the mum as a friend but I strongly believe in helping to build resilience in our children. My son is younger and tells me everything, we talk it through, I cheer him up and remind him how other people behave is not a testament to him but to them. But I don't wade in and go and tell the mum each time, seriously. If it got to a stage he was very upset, it was bothering him daily then yes, I'd step in but you can't be there fighting ever battle for them. My ds's friend is like this, her mum goes in to school to talk over every telling off or disagreement she has with friends and her child never seem happy. My ds got told off unfairly, I reminded him his teacher was nice and liked him and obviously thought she was right even if she wasn't so he should start afresh the next day and not worry about it, and he's the most laid back happy kid as a result

Coyoacan · 16/02/2019 03:30

Sorry, I've mostly just read the OP and just wanted to comment that I live in Mexico and a lot of my friends sent their children to private schools. I'd been away from ten years and came back and found my friends as down to earth as ever and their children horrible little snobs. But now they are all adults, they are lovely and down to earth just like their parents.

I would say this young lad will get over this unpleasand phase and become a decent fella again.

llizzie · 16/02/2019 04:07

It is a great temptation to 'have it out with the boy's mother, but if you do you run the risk of exposing your feelings and your son's vulnerability. Once you have let someone know that it has upset you both they will know just where your weak spots are.

It is so much better for your son not to get embroiled in an argument over what will soon be forgotten if allowed to be.

ADropofReality · 16/02/2019 04:18
  1. There's no way Ben texted "I spend my time with my mates from private school now and you can't really keep up so ...". What he actually texted was "I spend my time with my mates from St Jim's (or whatever the school is called) now"

That then colours the whole episode, because all this thread has been based on inverted snobbery and bashing private schools and the supposedly-stuck up kids who attend them.

  1. What has happened here? A friendship between two boys who were previously close friends has come to an end. It's been ended with maybe a minor snub - not via a fight or by one boy calling the other 4 letter words, which would need parental involvement - but by a minor snub that almost certainly wasn't even a snub (see 1). Yet the appropriate answer is for Mum to grass up Ben to other Mum? No. It's their friendship, it doesn't need your oar stuck in.
echt · 16/02/2019 04:31

There's no way Ben texted "I spend my time with my mates from private school now and you can't really keep up so ...". What he actually texted was "I spend my time with my mates from St Jim's (or whatever the school is called) now"

And you know this how?

echt · 16/02/2019 04:39

Having RTFT, the OP doesn't say that she had her son's permission to speak to his friend's mother. As shitty as the situation is, it doesn't warrant her doing this without his say-so.

pinkstripeycat · 16/02/2019 06:29

ReanimatedSGB “TBH both you and your friend need to keep your beaks out.”

Patenting doesn’t end when they get to 15 you know. They still need to be spoken by a parent to if they are being unkind or impolite and reminded of the right way to behave.

expat101 · 16/02/2019 07:04

one of my daughter's lovely friends changed schools for the last three years of schooling. For the first year everything seemed fine, then they slowly drifted apart. What my daughter found hard was seeing this friend going out with others from her school, but she wasn't invited (I covered this in another thread). Eventually the Mother dropped me off FB while the daughter was telling others they were moving far away when in fact they were still around, building local, but picking and choosing who she went out with.

No doubt its a difficult time of life as people grow and change with new experiences. In our case I have no doubt there was a 3rd party doing her best to cut ties and spread untruths.

By the sounds of that statement, either someone else grabbed his mobile and sent the message, or the friend was with a group of new people and wanted to make some sort of silly impression and sent that message along.

by all means forward it to his Mother, but then leave well alone for both your sakes. I don't think there is any coming back from this message.

MsTSwift · 16/02/2019 07:17

Dd is state educated and joined a sports club full of privately educated girls - they were extremely friendly and welcoming. That said as a family we were Shock at their instagrammed Christmas plans - family after family jetting off to Dubai India New York Maldives etc serious money!

KM99 · 16/02/2019 07:47

I would disagree with FW the actual text to his Mum. The snot noses little shit needs to take accountability for his actions.

I'd be inclined to send a message to say Ben has made it clear to your DS that he doesn't want to spend time with him anymore so while it would be nice to keep in touch with her you are no longer comfortable with Ben coming to your house. She can then ask her precious little boy what he's said.

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 16/02/2019 08:33

As shitty as the situation is, it doesn't warrant her doing this without his say-so.

Sigh. I didn't. He was absolutely aware.

I think some people are missing the fact that his mum and I are very good friends and have been for over 10 years. She's not just some kids mum. She's my DDs godmother (as I am to her younger DS). Our friendship is important to me and we're pretty honest with each other.

While the boys friendship is over, DS has no desire or need to 'beg' for friendship and neither my friend or me would ever force it, they will still see each other so will need to be civil at least.

They don't need to be friends, but that doesn't mean that the other members of our respective families have to cease being friends too.

OP posts:
morningconstitutional2017 · 16/02/2019 08:49

It is shitty in the way that young lads are. Your son is better than this - he has other friends who won't do this to him. Ben's 'superiority' enables him to use people in this way.

Fast forward about 10/20 years, Ben may well have been dropped too and he may look back with regret. In the meantime your son will have forged ahead with better friends.

Karma and all that.

IceBearRocks · 16/02/2019 09:04

If you and the mum are good friends then the boys will probably meet socially in the future!!! # awkward ..... Maybe Ben will have a reality check !!!
You've done the right thing !!! Do has your DD?!! Don't stress!!?

kbPOW · 16/02/2019 09:15

I wouldn't expect my child to socialise with someone who had behaved like that unless the boy made a sincere, heartfelt and unprompted apology.

HotpotLawyer · 16/02/2019 09:19

I would absolutely want to know if my 15 yo sent a message like that.

It isn’t a question of the OP’s son being resilient, he sounds as if he is plenty resilient, it is a question of a 15 yo growing up to behave properly.

However, the message is so crass and weird, mentioning ‘private school’ that I would probably have offered the explanation that a ‘mate’ sent it.

However. Explicit snobbery by private school students to state is hardly rare. It is blatant and constant in our area.

My Dc went to take part in a charity gala event being held at a well known private school and when they arrived the ‘host pupils’ yelled ‘the peasants are at the door ‘.

(Dulwich College).

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 16/02/2019 09:34

I wouldn't expect my child to socialise with someone who had behaved like that

Sorry, I should have been clearer. They will see each other - we live minutes apart in a very small village, they have mutual friends, both are in a sports group etc. They can't really avoid each other so will need to work out a way to at least be civil when they do see each other. There will be no 'planned' get togethers to try to get them to be friends.

OP posts:
kbPOW · 16/02/2019 09:38

Ah that makes sense. Might make the other boy think a bit about what he's done if things are different because of it.

KM99 · 16/02/2019 09:41

HarrySnotter just wanted to say you sound like a brilliant parent. I hope my 4 year old DS feels confident to confide in me when he's a teenager.

Catamaran1 · 16/02/2019 09:48

You get a lot of "teenage girls can be really bitchy" but people seem to forget that boys can be exactly the same
This. If this had been posted about girls people would be falling over themselves to say that girls are such bitches.

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 16/02/2019 10:20

Thanks @KM99, that's really nice to hear. I seem to spend most of the time thinking I'm getting everything wrong! Grin

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 16/02/2019 10:52

Can't keep up? Academically presumably. Implying ds isn't as bright as Ben. Knob! Hmm

Well. Rock on Ben. At private school your'll possibly be one of the poorest, with tonnes having million pound houses, and also completely mediocre in classes aswell!!

We are at local state school and most of ds1's friends live in humongous houses, and are academically brilliant, even though Ds1 is bright enough.

Ben is in for a shock!

Vynalbob · 16/02/2019 11:05

My Guess,
Ben was honest with his mum telling her the shxxy reason. She felt bad so pushed him to make a choice and not put her in a lying position and stop messing with your DS. So he did in an inept immature way.
Seems an odd thing for a boy to do without being pushed.. But I maybe wrong.

ralfeesmum · 16/02/2019 11:15

Ben's Ma needs to know about this, for sure.

"Hey - your Ben has turned into a proper toff since you bought him a private education and bought him all those fancy 'friends' as well......!"

Lumene · 16/02/2019 11:32

I think his ex friend will cringe with embarrassment at the memory of saying this in the future.