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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really shitty of this lad.

273 replies

HarrySnotter · 14/02/2019 17:09

DS (15) and his friend (will call him Ben) been pals since nursery school. Done lots of things over the years together, sleepovers, scouts, days out etc. Ben is a very bright lad and can come across as a little 'superior' sometimes but DS always ignored this. His mum and I are good friends and she is absolutely lovely. Ben has been going to a private school since the beginning of Y9, DS is at the local comp so they don't see each other as often now and both boys have always had lots of other friends independently of each other. They chat on Xbox and hang around when they can, though Ben has been rarely available over the last year or so.

His mum and he were due to come round this afternoon and the boys were going into town for a wander, something to eat or whatever 15 year olds do, while I caught up with his mum. My friend arrived on her own full of apologies and said that Ben suddenly felt unwell as he was leaving so has stayed at home. DS a bit disappointed but went off to meet another mate etc and I had a nice afternoon with Ben's mum.

DS has just come home and showed me this message from Ben. 'Hey just to say I prob won't be round anymore, I spend my time with my mates from private school now and you can't really keep up so ...' DS is gutted and said that if he didn't want to hang out anymore then fair enough, he should have just left it rather than making him feel like he's not good enough as a mate anymore.

What a shit thing to do.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 14/02/2019 22:33

Possibly he's one of the less well off ones in private school and may be being treated like that himself

This.

My friends son went to private school on a scholarship and was bullied by being referred to as 'the poor boy.' In reality his parents had a comfortable life, owned a modest home, holidays etc but a different lifestyle to most kids at his school.

He became increasingly materialistic, for example demanding an expensive watch so nobody would be able to accuse him of being poor.

It looks like that is the form bullying takes in private schools, and how kids from outside that background try to fit in.

Best your son dumps Ben and sticks to his own values, hopefully Ben will be able to be taught that snobbery and being obnoxious are not desirable character traits.

JenniferJareau · 15/02/2019 04:58

Of course I would want to, but at 15 they have got to learn to handle minor snubs like this themselves. Mum telling tales is not necessary.

That's not what's happened here. The son didn't need help dealing with the issue from his Mum. However the Mum was quite right to tell her good friend the type of nasty attitude her son has started giving off. It wasn't said to try and interfere and get the boys to be friends again, that's over, the message was passed on from one friend to another so the other Mum could nip Ben's shitty new attitude in the bud.

AgentJohnson · 15/02/2019 05:25

Your friend already had an idea what an uppity shit her son was becoming but chose not to do anything about it. I suspect she’ll go the ‘you embarrassed me’ route rather than ‘your shitty move says more about your insecurities than anything else’.

Your son handled it perfectly and remind him that the message was an expression of insecurity and a poor reflection of the author not the recipient.

I suspect that you and your friend have very different parenting attitudes and this incident has exposed it.

Nothinglefttochoose · 15/02/2019 07:02

The very reason I will NEVER send my kids to a private school.

madeyemoodysmum · 15/02/2019 07:18

Sadly friendships drift. Especially at that age. It’s basically up to Ben who he hangs with.
I agree he could have been kinder though.

My dd is growing g apart from her good friend from primary. She is 13. There is no meanness and they both have new friends but as a mum it’s sad to see as they have been close for so long. I’m also good friends with the mum so makes it even harder.

Does yr dh have plenty of other friends.

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 15/02/2019 09:16

Pull the other one, it's got bells on it.

Clearly deliberately designed to get posters to start slagging off snobs from private school.

I wasn't going to come back to this thread but I want to respond to this.

You are very wrong. DH was privately educated, as was his now adult son. In the village we live in its about a 50/50 split between privately and state educated children and both my DCs have friend from both. It's not 'unusual' here.

This comment is the one on the thread that I absolutely agree with 100% - Because nothing in parenting is more important than not raising an arsehole. Absolutely.

OP posts:
Ericthesnake · 15/02/2019 10:11

That is a parenting mantra to live by Grin
For what it's worth I think you've handled it very well and so has your ds.

You've definitely succeeded in not raising an arsehole.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 15/02/2019 10:43

I’m not sure why this thread has brought out the troll hunters. It’s hardly an outlandish scenario.

OP - Ben will probably grow up in a few years and be mortified that he let himself get so snobby. In the meantime, be glad your son is much more sensible and that you can maintain an independent friendship with Ben’s mum.

OhMyHolyCrap · 15/02/2019 10:58

This whole 'don't get involved, let them sort it out themselves, don't embarrass your precious teen' mentality is how serious bullying goes unchecked.

Teenagers need guidance on how to be decent human beings. They need to be called to account for their behaviour and see how it effects others or they grow into entitled arseholes who treat people like shit.

I'd want to know if my DS was doing this so I could steer him towards some empathy and kindness whilst he's forming his identity and view of the world.

It amazes me that some parents take such a backseat to parenting teens.

Juells · 15/02/2019 10:59

I’m not sure why this thread has brought out the troll hunters. It’s hardly an outlandish scenario.

Because it doesn't sound real? I can't imagine a teenager saying "I spend my time with my mates from private school now and you can't really keep up so". Would anyone refer to the school they're attending as 'private school'?

ThreeAnkleBiters · 15/02/2019 11:08

Telling the mum obviously isn't for DS's benefit. There's nothing that can be done about it now expect chat to him about why ex-friend said this, how it's a reflection on the friend not on DS etc. The reason for telling the mum wouldn't be to intervene in the friendship - at 15 it would be humiliating for DS to have his mum intervene - it would be as a favour to OP's friend. Most mums would want to know if their son had sent something like that so they could get to the bottom of why etc.

At 15 the friend is probably immature and insecure. Although he's acting like a knob now he may well grow up to be perfectly nice. I did some things as a teenager I now look back on as pretty mean. As an adult I think I'm very sensitive and compassionate. Either way OP's concern is her own son not this other boy.

EveSaidWhat · 15/02/2019 12:07

'It amazes me that some parents take such a backseat to parenting teens.'

Parenting teens doesn't involve forwarding texts to the parents just because of one throwaway unkind comment. Low level stuff like this does not require parental involvement at all.

Meandmetoo · 15/02/2019 12:13

Your DS should have said "ok cool, I'm not really into drugs and playing soggy biscuit anyway" 😀

PregnantSea · 15/02/2019 12:18

Sounds like your son has already dealt with this really well. Good on you for raising a well rounded young man. I'm sure Ben's mum would be disappointed to see that text, but I probably wouldn't show her - it will get back to Ben and then it looks bad on your own son. Just leave it now.

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 15/02/2019 13:35

Because it doesn't sound real? I can't imagine a teenager saying "I spend my time with my mates from private school now and you can't really keep up so". Would anyone refer to the school they're attending as 'private school'?

I'm not sure why you think that just because you can't imagine it, means it didn't happen? His school is a private school (we're in Scotland if that makes a difference to what schools are called, though I don't see that it would) and that's what he calls it. Because that's what it is.

If you think I'm a troll, report. Please.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 15/02/2019 14:25

Would anyone refer to the school they're attending as 'private school'?

He probably didn’t - he probably used the name of the school. Bit as this is an anonymous form, the OP didn’t. There are God knows how many private schools - but if she’d said ‘Highfield Academy’ or similar, her post might have suddenly been less anonymous.

NewName54321 · 15/02/2019 14:33

I'm glad you forwarded to your friend. The comment from Ben might actually mean either my mates from private school are giving me a hard time about be friend with someone from a comp, or
(more likely given his attitude) My mates and I are getting into stuff and I/ we don't want you hanging about because your mum is friends with mine and she might tell mine about it.

ID81241 · 15/02/2019 16:04

OP I think it's great you told the mum. As a mum I would want to know too as one thing I can't stand is snobbery so I'd be mortified my child had been speaking like that. Anyway our opinion doesn't matter- your friend clearly appreciated the heads up so you handled it perfectly Smile

Juells · 15/02/2019 16:15

He probably didn’t - he probably used the name of the school. Bit as this is an anonymous form, the OP didn’t. There are God knows how many private schools - but if she’d said ‘Highfield Academy’ or similar, her post might have suddenly been less anonymous.

But it would also change the whole tone of the exchange. "I spend my time with my schoolmates now" or "I spend my time with my mates from Priory Hall now" sounds like he's just being straightforward that he has a different group of friends now, at the school he attends.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 15/02/2019 16:37

Not necessarily. If the school is known locally as a fancy private school, it has the same implications.

Katherine2626 · 15/02/2019 17:29

He won't be keeping any worthwhile friends with that attitude - I would forward it to his Mum as it sounds as if he needs some urgent advice about manners, loyalty, and values.

retirementrocks · 15/02/2019 17:33

Very unkind.
I believe that what goes around comes around and this young man may well find himself shamed by his behaviour when his "new friends" decide that he's not good enough for them and he realises the quality of the friendship he has lost.
I too would share this text with his mother, calmly and with the only comment being that you knew she would like to know about this, given the history the two boys have shared over the years.

Hope "Ben" grows out of bring such a little shit! He wont be a popular lad for long if not!

radgemunky · 15/02/2019 17:37

Close private schools

radgemunky · 15/02/2019 17:38

Look at "parliament"

Tiredand · 15/02/2019 17:42

Will be interesting to see parents reaction. We’re pretty well off but have never played the keeping up with the Joneses game. If nothing else I’d rather my kids made life choices based on happiness not feeling they have to join the rat race to work to pay for stuff they don’t need just to “compete”. Sounds like he’s fallen in with the wrong crowd at private school (just as you can anywhere) and it’s affected his attitude. Your son is best of without him, maybe just a polite reply saying he’s valued his friendship in the past and if things change he’s still there if he wants to be friends in the future.