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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is really shitty of this lad.

273 replies

HarrySnotter · 14/02/2019 17:09

DS (15) and his friend (will call him Ben) been pals since nursery school. Done lots of things over the years together, sleepovers, scouts, days out etc. Ben is a very bright lad and can come across as a little 'superior' sometimes but DS always ignored this. His mum and I are good friends and she is absolutely lovely. Ben has been going to a private school since the beginning of Y9, DS is at the local comp so they don't see each other as often now and both boys have always had lots of other friends independently of each other. They chat on Xbox and hang around when they can, though Ben has been rarely available over the last year or so.

His mum and he were due to come round this afternoon and the boys were going into town for a wander, something to eat or whatever 15 year olds do, while I caught up with his mum. My friend arrived on her own full of apologies and said that Ben suddenly felt unwell as he was leaving so has stayed at home. DS a bit disappointed but went off to meet another mate etc and I had a nice afternoon with Ben's mum.

DS has just come home and showed me this message from Ben. 'Hey just to say I prob won't be round anymore, I spend my time with my mates from private school now and you can't really keep up so ...' DS is gutted and said that if he didn't want to hang out anymore then fair enough, he should have just left it rather than making him feel like he's not good enough as a mate anymore.

What a shit thing to do.

OP posts:
3timeslucky · 14/02/2019 18:39

That's really horrible alright.

It is possible he was feeling pressurised to come to the house and feels the friendship has run its course and quite possibly his mum told him he needed to explain his absence (or maybe not) but he certainly failed the "how to bow out gracefully from a friendship without behaving like a total knob" test. Your son will surely have learned a life lesson about friendship and poor values. The other child clearly has a lot of life lessons still to learn about both.

I would say nothing to the mum unless she suggests a similar arrangement again. If she does I would probably mention it. But I suspect she knows her son has no interest in seeing your child again. Though maybe not his rationale. So she may not know how badly her private school decision has played out.

I have children in private secondary schools (not in the UK so not the same system) but I would take the legs out from under any of my children who made a statement like that. So there's a bit of me that thinks maybe it is worth saying it to her if you feel the comment is completely at variance with the mother's value system. How else can she teach her child what he has done wrong?

I know I'm contradicting myself within my post but I am conflicted about whether I'd say anything. It depends on your friendship and on what kind of person she is. If you do raise it with her, I'd make it clear that you have no issue with the friendship dying out.

Gone4Good · 14/02/2019 18:39

My son had a friend who went off to a private school at about age 13. They'd been very close, had a lot in common and were known as the 'intellectuals' because they'd rather sit around and talk about history and what not.

The private school was many miles away so the boy only came home for summers (3 months here) and other breaks but never bothered with my son again because he had a new set of friends.

Soon after starting the private school (big city), the other lad got in trouble with the police for vandalism and other youthful high jinx. He'd been a good boy before. I often see him in the county sheriffs report getting arrested for road rage, DUI etc. IMO The parents should have kept in our small rural school.

cordeliavorkosigan · 14/02/2019 18:42

how awful. yuck. yes, he may be getting snobbery at the school directed at him.
best response from your son is probably either nothing or just 'ok ben, keep it classy'

StitchingMoss · 14/02/2019 18:43

Hmm, private schools are good breeding grounds for this superior sort of shit I’m afraid.

I left mine at the end of Y8 as my parents could no longer afford the fees - my absolute best friend in the entire world, who’d been like a sister to me for the previous two years told me she could no longer be my friend as she couldn’t see herself associating with someone who went to a state school! GrinHmmAngry.

Her loss!

Lots of the kids there thought they were something special because mummy and daddy paid for their education - didn’t appreciate that an accident of birth did not make them superior.

cordeliavorkosigan · 14/02/2019 18:44

I have a friend who got a scholarship to a private school at age 12 (not in UK). by age 13 her parents put her back in the state system as they were really unhappy with the 'but xx has a cabin at [ski resort] and yy has a horse.. and .. and ..' of it all. we met a uni where she did great, and as far as i know they did not regret the decision to go back to the state sector.

Mixedupmummy · 14/02/2019 18:45

well done for telling the mum. it must have felt a bit awkward at first. I'm sure she's grateful she can deal with him now. I hope she makes Ben apologise

Original poster
HarrySnotter · 14/02/2019 18:52

So did he lie to her and feign an illness or did she lie to you?

He lied to her.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 14/02/2019 18:55

Some years from now, Ben will look back at this as one of the most embarrassing things he did as a teen and cringe over his own behaviour.

TheVanguardSix · 14/02/2019 18:56

What a pompous ass! Good luck to him. How disappointing to realise that familiarity, loyalty, and history mean nothing to Ben the bellend.
Really, I'm flabbergasted. What a dipshit.

Your son is well rid of him. It'll just take a while for your DS to know and understand this. Poor lad. We went through similar! It sucks. Sad

RebootYourEngine · 14/02/2019 18:56

Ben sounds like a teenage twat. Glad his mum doesnt like his behaviour.

Figgygal · 14/02/2019 18:59

I'm glad you have told her maybe she could raise her child with a bit more grace

Your ds will be fine without him

TheVanguardSix · 14/02/2019 19:02

One of my favourite Hmm quotes from DS's boarding school friend (since childhood) last year was, "Hey, if I do poorly on my GCSEs at my amazingly posh, exclusive, renowned boarding school, and totally bomb out, I'll come home and apply to your second-rate, state Sixth Form."

I've added the bits that he was thinking without saying out loud.
It was meant to make DS happy, as in 'I might go to your Sixth Form... if I'm stupid enough to fail getting into my school's amazing Sixth Form.'

Well intended. But the snobbery was painful.

TheInvestigator · 14/02/2019 19:03

He is going to have to rub along with people from all walks of life when he enters the real world, and he'll find himself getting into trouble at some point, whether it's with HR when he's in a job, or by a tutor when he treats someone at uni like shit, or by saying something like that to someone with a wife who didn't go to private to school so his mum better get that through his head before he gets any worse.

Witchend · 14/02/2019 19:03

Was that the exact message of have you doctored it?

Because by changing a few words it sounds different.
"Hey just to say I prob won't be round anymore, I spend my time with my mates from School Name now and we can't really keep up so .."

That sounds more plausible to me from a 15yo (having got one) and in which case he's basically saying that he spends his time with his new school mates (which would probably be the same situation if he'd gone from private to state) and is saying he's choosing to spend time with them instead, which is fair enough.

LagunaBubbles · 14/02/2019 19:07

What a little snob, he will either grow up and mature or grow up into a snobby adult.

importantkath · 14/02/2019 19:07

Tell his mum.

greybluegeometry · 14/02/2019 19:08

To all the people signalling their superiority to a 15 year old child by calling him a 'shit' and a 'twat': you sure don't sound like superior people to me.

Itstimeslikethese · 14/02/2019 19:13

This is just what happens in life you lose friends / make friends & the ones who stay are your real friends. Ben should of never of texted that , as it was a bit nasty, I'm sure your son will be fine & find true friends. It could of been one his mates text it to your son from bens phone.. I hope it hasn't ruined your friendship with bens mum.

Juells · 14/02/2019 19:17

That was a very peculiar message.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2019 19:18

Your poor son, what a nasty thing to do. He's dodged a bullet there, I am a great believer in what goes round comes around. Bet that a mate of his will treat him like rubbish then it will make him realise what an arse he was to your D's. By then your D's would have moved into more better mates.

fluffiphlox · 14/02/2019 19:19

Well that’s a lot of money down the drain.
(And I believe it is spelled ‘tow rag’. Pet niggle of mine. I’ll slink off now).

Aridane · 14/02/2019 19:23

Ah, witchend, that would put a rather different slant on it

3timeslucky · 14/02/2019 19:24

And I believe it is spelled ‘tow rag’. Pet niggle of mine.

You believe wrong.

www.spectator.co.uk/2014/07/dot-wordsworth-origins-of-the-toe-rag/

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 14/02/2019 19:28

Snotty little shit. I hope his mum knocks him down a peg or two. Teenagers can be right little fuckers sometimes and it'll do him good to remember that he is no better than anyone else.

Mmmhmmm · 14/02/2019 19:28

Your poor son, teenagers can be so cruel. Good thing you let his Mum know. I'd want to know if my child sent something like that.