Why do MIL and FIL demand 'alone time' with a baby?

[SilverBirchTree]

Since DS was born over a year ago, my MIL and FIL have been obsessed with having 'alone' time with him. Spending time with their son and myself as well is no good, apparently.

It started from when DS was a newborn, MIL constantly walking off with him in her arms, or shooing me off to go have a sleep or a haircut even when I said I was not tired etc.

As he has gotten older they have gotten more demanding about their 'alone time', and are now throwing an enormous tantrum (literally screaming and crying and my FIL even dropped himself onto the floor in anguish twice. I wish I was exaggerating) because we wont allow them to babysit DS all day while we are at work. Apparently we are denying them their 'rights' as grandparents.

I've seen other threads about the same thing- grandparents demanding or expecting sleep overs, being able to take the baby out of the house without asking, MIL walking out of the maternity ward with the baby...

My question is Why? Why do they need to be alone with a baby? What are they planning to do that they don't want to do in front of us?

ComeMonday

Excellent

'Sistine Chapel'..... I remember that thread..... what a headcase!

And yeah, OP; your PIL are crazeeeeee! Don't budge an inch!.

You both sound as bad as each other. You sound controlling and they sound ott. Just be adults and find a middle ground.

What middle ground is there with adults who throw themselves on the floor crying, or scream down the phone?

My DM is a bit like this. She always wants to have alone time with our 2 adopted DDs. I'm not comfortable with it, but I don't mind so much if she has them individually. This is partly to do with the fact that she will be 80 this year and they can be a handful together, but also because she plays them off against each other. We are low contact with her as a result.

Thankfully, she's away a lot as she runs a charity project in Africa so this doesn't come up much.

Your PIL are well out of order. It's reasonable to ask for alone time with DGC, but not to insist!

I am a GP to gs 10, gd 4, gd 7mths & gd 3mths. From a gp point of view, I really enjoy my one to one time with my grandchildren. It’s relaxed it’s fun, we do things mum & dad don’t have time for. I have the babies one afternoon each for a couple of hours. I can give them two hours total attention, we play, go for a walk, read and have lots of cuddles. Mum gets to have some time to herself, everyone wins. I have the 10yr old after school 2 afternoons once a fortnight, we do crafts, play Lego or just watch a “grown up” film. The 4yr old I pick up from nursery 2 afternoons on the alternate week to my grandson.

However, I abide by their wishes, I don’t ever demand my grandchildren.
I would be lost without them, but the 2 hours is enough. We have a lovely bond.
I am MIL to 2 and DM to the other 2.
It’s such a shame that grandparents act like this, everything comes to those who wait. There was never any pre arrangements with any of them, it just happened naturally.

Grandparents do not have 'rights' in the UK; they have privileges. The fact that they are couching their relationship with their grandchild in such aggressive, not to mention pseudo-legal, terms is the first thing that would have me worried.

It's also concerning that these people seem more than happy to put their own desires and perceived 'rights' above the welfare of the child. Your DS is only 1, and if you felt that was too young for overnight contact even without the alarming way they've been behaving, that should be the end of the matter. For me, this would be red flag number 2.

As to childcare, grandparents can have a relationship with the child without the necessity of providing that service. Unpaid, unsupervised childminding is not a role they should either expect, or feel obligated, to play. Their over-investment in the arrangements you've made for your DS, that you feel comfortable with, and in which they apparently believe they're entitled to have a say, are another big red flag. I'd recommend putting them on an immediate information diet and sharing no further similar details with them.

Bringing up the rear with red flags #4 and #5 are adults having tantrums, particularly ones where they fling themselves on the floor (really?), and demanding 'alone time' with the long-suffering kid. I'd share the same concerns as yours: what do they want to do alone that they can't do without the parents present? I'd exercise real caution on one: parental alienation is a thing. NB. if they don't like you but still want a close relationship with the grandchild, tough. It doesn't work like that.

They sound batshit, OP, and FWIW they wouldn't be having one moment's unsupervised contact if that were me. In fact, unless they did a rapid about-face, grew up very quickly and started putting DS's welfare before their own, I'd be thinking more than twice about supervised contact too.

YANBU. In any way.

They sound emotionally unstable to me and all the guilt tripping would make me push back even more.

Just because there's 2 sets of Grandparents it does not mean they have to be treated equally when there's a worry about safety.

I think GP like to have alone time so they're in charge without being watched over, sounds sinister but it's much nicer to play with a baby without eyes on you making sure everything you do is perfect.

A family member offered to have DS for 1 day a week when I went back to work at her house, DP wasn't happy about this because she's got a few pets which he didn't trust around a baby, I disagreed as I knew they would be kept away but ultimately he is also the parent and has equal say, SIL went mental and tried to make me let her have DS anyway, DP had to jump through hoops to explain himself and she went a bit crazy over it all, result was a falling out because she couldn't control her emotions or understand a parents rights are more than her "but I want to look after him". It's taken 2 years for things to be okay and she's still off with me about DP.

They need to understand that the more unstable they act, the less they will see the baby. Demanding their own way and stamping their feet because it's not fair doesn't do themselves any favours!

I read so many threads on here about GPs desperately wanting to have babies on their own/overnight etc. I can't really understand it. And obviously having tantrums, dropping themselves to the floor in anguish etc is fucking beyond weird.

I genuinely would stop having contact with them (and block them from my phone etc) and tell them why.

It’s very unlikely to be something concerning ie something they can’t do in front of you.
I’d say, from my own similar experience that’s it’s a simple matter of control.
Poor loves thinking they have ‘rights’. Of course there’s being fair in letting them enjoy their role as a grandparent but that’s it really.
Just keep breathing and don’t allow hysteria into your home. Your little one will pick up on this and it will have a negative affect.
Good luck, you’re going to need it.

I came on here to say that I had an amazing relationship with my grandparents through one to one time and my DC have an amazing one with theirs from the same. That was until I read the crying, screaming and Sistine chapel behaviour. Nope. No way. Just no. I would not be leaving my DC with those nutters. My DP and PIL don’t always follow our instructions 100% to the letter (naps have been known to happen later because they were having so much fun or they’ve had a bit of chocolate before dinner 🤷🏻‍♀️) but it’s minor things, nothing dangerous, and means my DC enjoy their time with them more. But YADNBU to refuse to leave your DC with them. Bonkers.

They are crackpots OP, move away now or repent for years, it will only get worse!

Because they are attention-seeking, controlling bullies. That's why.
Still, it sounds like your H is as unimpressed as you are and has your back on this (sometimes the person who actually grew up with shitbags like this is too scared of them to stand their ground).

Would your H be able to cope with telling them that they either back off and behave like adults, or you will stop contact with them altogether? Don't be too harsh with him if he's not willing to go that far BTW, it's pretty difficult to detach from abusive parents.

OP

'No' is a complete sentence.

p.s I am a DGM and a MiL, but I am with you 100% on this one.

I just went through the effort of logging in and sorting out my forgotten password just to comment on this! My mum is soooo much like this, not so much the doing the opposite stuff but she’s been an immature monster at times since we’ve had our DD. Last year I went through a horrid time with anxiety, made 100x worse by her stupid behaviour. She says she’s agoraphobic but will happily go to Asda or for a dog walk but will refuse to ever come to my home or meet me and DD for a visit, I have to come to them. I work, she doesn’t and she said surely I ‘have the time to bring DD to her at least twice a week’ WTF?! Her and my dad are retired and we’ve always been close but her point blank refusal to meet me half way (literally) was killing me. I told her and then we went through 4 WEEKS of tantrums, ranging from sobbing phone calls to her telling me I should ring social services to arrange supervised visits, because I obviously don’t think she’s trustworthy, to her point blank saying she’ll KILL HERSELF and then I’ll be sorry. Yep- that’s the way to get me to trust you with my child.... FFS!! So I fully understand the hurt and anxiety these ridiculous tantrums cause. I feel so sorry for you guys. I made massive efforts to rebuild our relationship but my brother cut ties over the things she said, so I hope they see their mistakes before it costs them dearly. I think we just all need to remember this in 30 years when we’re the grandparents and we won’t be obsessive and nuts! 🙈

They sound nuts tbh. They should respect your choices about your child and not throw toddler tantrums when they don’t get their own way! What a weird way to be.

What were they like when you're DH was a child? My MIL is a kind and non interfering type but my DC spent far more time with my mum. I was extremely close to Mum and DG was not that close t his mum so naturally it's the way to goes. Plus MIL had remarried so he wasn't th most interested step grandfather.

Adult tantrums is awful.
But I think wanting alone time is natural. I feel self conscious talking in silly voices for example with other adults there. It is easier to be be silly if you are alone with a child, or even just to talk to a baby without the parents there.

They brought up your DH and heis ok so.....

I think it’s about what’s age appropriate and respecting the feelings of a new mum rather than making you feel irrelevant and it’s all about them. My MiL did this to me when I had just given birth to twins. They were a week old and I’d just returned home from hospital and she shooed me off to go out and have lunch with FiL (I was recovering from c section, could hardly walk, and hadn’t established feeding yet). I went along with it at the time but I look back on it now and feel furious! My twins are now 8 and I would LOVE them to have more ‘alone time’ with MiL to give me a break when I actually need one but sadly it’s not forthcoming and hasn’t been since they were babies! It’s great for PiL to have a relationship - but this is perfectly possible without being disrespectful/unsupportive to the needs of a new mum.

I don't think it's necessary, or a right, for any grandparent to have, or demand, alone time with their grandchildren. Especially if they are throwing tantrums about said subject.

Our children are left alone with my parents for a few hours sometimes, and my in laws have recently asked if they can also have this privilege.

I have refused based on the fact they want us to drop 2.5yr old and 6 month old to them in central London (1.5hrs away from us). FIL is careless and has previously pushed the buggy into oncoming traffic because he thought he knew best about crossing between two cars rather than walking another few yards to a crossing. MIL thinks she knows best, and bought my 6m old (then 4m old) a chocolate hamper for Christmas and tried to feed her it whilst I was in the toilet despite DD having CMPA and not being anywhere near even beginning weaning.

My fiancé stomped his feet a little, but when I explained my concerns (these are just two examples of a list!) he understands and explain to his parents my concerns. They are making more effort to come to us, and trying to be more conscientious and careful.

I feel like they are trying to make up for leaving their two sons in Portugal with family, whilst they came here to work, until my fiancé (youngest) was 2yrs old. Maybe you PIL are (wrongly) trying to make up for mistakes they feel they made?

I've found it in all of our interests to be open and honest, albeit slightly brutal, about my concerns.

You are not wrong.

Tantrum throwing "adults" are not people I would trust looking after my children, related or not.

If someone offered to have my baby for a few hours whilst I had a haircut/sleep or to save me childcare costs I wouldn't be questioning their intentions

Ok the tantrum is OTT. But I also wonder how much you are stifling their contact that it's just a reaction to what sounds like an odd relationship.

You say MIl walks around with ds in her arms as if it's a stupidly ridiculous thing to do. Most people who held my ds as a baby would do their own things with him - I enjoyed the time to put a cake coffee in hands rather than a baby!

Hmm, tricky one. Are your visits shortish/rushed? Do they see LO much? Could OH have mentioned you want alone time. Aside from the tantrums which is its lovely they want to spend time with LO

What Lala just said about trying to make up for past hurts/mistakes when their own kids were little - I think there’s a lot in that, resonates in my case anyway. Just be clear and reasonable about what you feel comfortable with / what’s age appropriate, while also making clear you’re happy they want to be involved. Then the tantrums appear ridiculous (as they are).

Gosh they are OTT, but could it be out of frustration.
I can't wait to have my gd on my own. I don't do anything my ds or dil wouldn't do, but it's nice to be in charge every now and again.
I mean this as occasional babysitting. Now me or dh wouldn't push at all, but I can see we'd be frustrated if they never left us on our own with gd, it would seem like they didn't trust us.
It's important to find a middle ground, but gp's don't automatically have rights and have done their child raising, passing it onto the next generation.

I think other people have to earn the right, and prove themselves trustworthy to be left in sole charge of your very young child. Children are not dolls for them to play with.
My parents had lots of contact with my babies, but luckily I was around and unfortunately able to see things like my mother telling my toddler that if he didn't keep his socks on wasps would come and sting his feet, she was completely unable to see why that was unacceptable and screamed at me for calmly saying so, or the last straw, wandering off with him without saying anything when i was paying for something in a shop causing me to rush around the shopping centre in a panic. The memory still brings me out in a cold sweat.

I was right not to trust them because they were developing dementia and there were massive tantrums from them too whenever I said no to them. If you don't 100 per cent trust them alone with such a young child, and their behaviour does sound unstable, then you are right to say no.

I don't remember anyone asking for 'alone time' with any of my dc. That would be so weird for me! Lots and lots of people who love them have had, and do have, time with them without me or DH around, but that happened naturally, not after an explicit "I want to spend time with your child without you being present" request/ demand.

The PILs in this case are clearly batshit and shouldn't have care of a garden gnome, let alone a human baby, but I've picked up on a general sense throughout the thread that extended family members do have some 'right' to time with dc that their parents aren't present for. That's quite interesting. I'm very happy for my dc to be with family who love them when I'm not there, but not because I think said family have a right to it.