Why do MIL and FIL demand 'alone time' with a baby?

[SilverBirchTree]

Since DS was born over a year ago, my MIL and FIL have been obsessed with having 'alone' time with him. Spending time with their son and myself as well is no good, apparently.

It started from when DS was a newborn, MIL constantly walking off with him in her arms, or shooing me off to go have a sleep or a haircut even when I said I was not tired etc.

As he has gotten older they have gotten more demanding about their 'alone time', and are now throwing an enormous tantrum (literally screaming and crying and my FIL even dropped himself onto the floor in anguish twice. I wish I was exaggerating) because we wont allow them to babysit DS all day while we are at work. Apparently we are denying them their 'rights' as grandparents.

I've seen other threads about the same thing- grandparents demanding or expecting sleep overs, being able to take the baby out of the house without asking, MIL walking out of the maternity ward with the baby...

My question is Why? Why do they need to be alone with a baby? What are they planning to do that they don't want to do in front of us?

I think the alone time can be to simply relax with a grandchild without parents hovering over their PFB.

Or sometimes because the GP's want to relive their time as parents.

Had they not been so petty, disrespectful, and started throwing adult tantrums they might have actually gotten that!

I agree that they will never see they have a problem, and knowing people like this as I do, I don’t think even a 3rd party would help.

They have literally everything wrapped up in the facts that they are right and op/everyone else is wrong. To unravel this would blow their world apart

Ultimately, the H needs to tell his parents that their behaviour isn’t acceptable, that they do need to look around and observe the behaviour of others and contrast it with theirs - if they behave better/normally, they will be able to interact more with the family, if not, sobeit.

It’s not worth trying to negotiate.

because we wont allow them to babysit DS all day while we are at work.

Perhaps they don't realise what a tie providing childcare is?
That they'd always have to be available all day on those days- as to work you need reliable childcare and you wouldn't want to impose on them in that way?

We found it easier to do days out at child friendly locations with prepacked snacks for kids at weekends - stopped DGP complaining about children needing to be fed and meant they could so off with DC but we were still around if things went south. It also gave them a lot to talk about with their friends – and ample photo opportunities.

why would anyone only want 'supervised' contact

GPs who live some distance away will only see their GC when a parent takes them on a visit, or when they visit their GC. So either way a parent is likely to be present all the time. And those GPs cope perfectly well and don’t feel deprived of their GC. It’s bollocks to say they need alone time.

Imo when the GPs want alone time it’s because they want to be in charge and not defer to the parent. Or possibly they don’t like the parent or want to do things their way.

Let them flagellate their skin raw writhing on rough carpet fibres in the throes of emotional agony 😂😂😂

OP what would happen if, in the middle of the tantrum, you said "oh for gods sake look at yourselves, do you think you look like responsible adults?" or something along those lines. Or would they just get worse?

YANBU as they sound obsessive. Have you asked them why it’s so important to them?

My in-laws have DD to stay for 3 days every school holiday. They do this as they don’t see her very often and it’s actually to give DH and me some time off too. Its not alone time as such, just an opportunity to spend time together that they don’t otherwise get. They’ve always been quite keen on maintaining an adult life away from their own children and they want to provide the same to us.

But I trust all DDs grandparents, including her great-grandparents, to keep her safe. You can’t do that and it’s down to then to prove otherwise. Histrionics isn’t going to do it. I would stop engaging in conversations about it altogether.

When my baby was born I was reluctant to leave him with anyone. Later on he was left with people who had earned my trust. People who’d supported me and respected me as the parent, who’d looked after the baby with me present and I’d seen that they respected my wishes and followed current safety rules. I felt confident that if I left my baby with them they’d continue to look after him in the same attentive and respectful manner.

OPs PILs have not earned her trust. They’ve thrown tantrums and screamed and cried because they don’t respect her as the parent and they think their own needs are more important. They’ve tapped their feet and snatched the baby and walked away. They’ve done the opposite of what OP has asked and have shown no understanding of modern safety standards. She quite rightly has no confidence in their parenting abilities and no confidence that her child will be looked after safely and her wishes will be respected. So of course she doesn’t want them to babysit unsupervised because she doesn’t trust them.

Sorry but the PILs have brought this on themselves. If you want someone to trust you to look after their must precious possession then you need to show that you can be trusted. They have done the exact opposite.

My parents started all of this shit and it used to freak me out.
It was the possessiveness that worried me and made me feel threatened. They begged to watch dc1 whilst I gave birth to dc2 and I was sceptical because of previous behaviour but allowed him to stay.

Then they got really annoyed when we only let him stay the one night. They were really rude when DH went to pick him up. Shouting at me hours after I'd had a c section!

There was no need and he'd never been away from us for a few hours before so we felt it was best he was home with us. I had calls from my dad in tears saying "why are you doing this to me" "I miss him so much" "the house feels so empty and quiet". Talking as if he'd lived there for months..it was about 30 hours in total!! First and last time, it's not worth the kick off afterwards.

In my instance there's a huge backstory.

Your in laws sound equally as batshit....But in general I think most grandparents just love their grandchildren and want to spoil them. Maybe they enjoy the responsibility of caring for them on their own for a short period. I can understand them wanting to but pushing it is too much.

Next time they are wriggling about ask them if they have worms....

They sound seriously unstable. I can see why they feel its unfair that your parents get more trust, and time, but they have absolutely bought that on themselves!! My parents like us to stay around whilst they have our girls, to do the more practical looking after whilst they can take the fun jobs and the playing. ILs on the other hand also like the alone time, so just to offer some insight its because a) they like to feel helpful and useful b) they find it easier to bond with DDs when they are not deferring back to us all the time and c) they are enjoying playing grandparents! all the nice bits of children that parents in general don't have time for, soaking up the time, small pleasures of pushing a pram etc.

Like I said, your PILS sound deranged and I wouldn't be leaving my child alone with them either. Just thought I would add some insight into the "why alone time" because my PILS like it and we can understand why xx

FIL even dropped himself onto the floor in anguish twice.

Oh fuck that nonsense. I’d tell him that someone so out of control of their emotions was not up to the rigours of looking after a small child.

OP what would happen if, in the middle of the tantrum, you said "oh for gods sake look at yourselves, do you think you look like responsible adults?" or something along those lines. Or would they just get worse?

^I wonder this too.

They're just too emotional. You have to feel safe leaving your baby. I think writing a calm objective letter which is as nonjudgmental as possible might be the way to start. They don't automatically have "rights", they have to earn them by showing that they can care for your baby as you expect.

I wouldn't let them in the house or answer the phone to them. Totally batshit. I would not be alone with them ever.

Yabbers I think you've forgotten to wash the fruits and veggies before consuming them

OP I wouldn't leave a goldfish with those two lunatics much less your precious baby

What were the safety issues, OP? Their angst and behaviour would make most of us who've responded to you say no, nay, never.

Well I certainly wouldn't leave my child alone with your PIL OP. They sound completely unstable. I've never understood this whole GP wanting GC to themselves, I doubt very much they have any ulterior motives but I do think it's a bit odd.

I've never asked for alone time with my GC it just happens from time to time that I look after them alone when my DD has appointments, for example, or when she was giving birth to her subsequent babies.

I see them fairly often and have no trouble developing a relationship with my GC whether either of their parent's are around or not, as do all the other members of my family.

Having said that we are all pretty close and my DD asked my other DD and me to visit her in hospital immediately after she'd given birth to all her babies and we held them straight away.

It's always the PIL isn't it, who are demanding, unreasonable and downright batshit. Something must happen to these women that's related to pushing a male out of their vaginas rather than a female. And it can't set in too early as they do seem to manage to raise marriageable offspring despite their impediments. I can't fathom it, hasn't happened to me luckily, despite having two of them.

It's always the PIL isn't it, who are demanding, unreasonable and downright batshit.

It really isn’t, there are posts from women saying similar things about their own parents (mainly their mothers) there are even a few on this thread.

It is impatience in some cases. I’m thinking of a few people I know who have had massive fallouts with their in-laws about how much they were seeing the baby. In all cases the in laws were desperate to see the baby loads in the first few weeks and it caused no end of drama. If they had just waited a bit I think the parents would have been more grateful for the break and more up for grandparent alone time. Tiny babies don’t need alone time with grandparents but I can see how as the children get older it can be a lovely thing for everyone involved.

Not a comment on your in laws but my mum loves alone time with DD. She says she's different when I'm not there which is interesting. That being said at not sure same could be true or such a young child and I understand why you don't want your son with them: I would, however, delegate all handling of the situation to DP as they're his parents!

I know who have had massive fallouts with their in-laws about how much they were seeing the baby. In all cases the in laws were desperate to see the baby loads in the first few weeks and it caused no end of drama. If they had just waited a bit I think the parents would have been more grateful for the break and more up for grandparent alone time.

This is my experience. My in-laws were determined to bombard me when id recently given birth and wouldn't accept what I wanted so we ended up falling out and me refusing to see them for ages. Had they have just waited I'd have loved to see them but because they harassed me I put my foot down.

You both sound as bad as each other. You sound controlling and they sound ott. Just be adults and find a middle ground.

It's weird. They sound batshit. Your baby, your rules!

Seriously, Vulpine? OP doesn't want to leave her child with people who have put him into danger in the past and who are liable to hurl themselves screaming to the floor if they don't get their own way, and she's controlling? What middle ground is there with people like this?