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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take blame for dp’s speeding

277 replies

Wrinklyturtle · 13/02/2019 21:09

So basically had a letter through today. The car is in my name and a while back I received a letter for speeding in another part of the country - I gave it to DP to sort as I knew, as did he, that it was him driving. He sorts all the bills, car stuff etc. usually.

Fast forward to today and I’ve received a summons to attend a speed awareness course. I rang and told him in rather miffed tone that I’d received it and he’d better sort it out as it was him driving. His response was basically “oh you know it’s much better for you to take it, I can’t because of work”. I am a sahm.
He has done this before and I took points on my licence for him.

It’s more his attitude than anything it’s like “my time is much more important than yours - you are sat at home all day”. No apology or anything, it’s just expected that il suck it up.

He also chastised me for calling him at work and shouting down the phone (I didn’t shout I raised my voice cos I was miffed at his response). He said I sound like a banshee shouting down the phone in the office.
Does anyone else just take shit like this for the sake of the family?

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 14/02/2019 09:41

@AlexaAmbidextra, ‘aiding and abetting’ is a big allegation and you have no right to make it. I provided information that is publicly available and told her to make her own decision. What all of these holier-than-thou people, including yourself, don’t seem to realize is that you are all one step away from one or other major moral dilemma. So you could stop piling on the OP and telling her she’s a bad person. And no, I am not the OP and don’t know her. I live in a country where the owner of the car has the option to take the points and fine without saying who the driver was, and it’s even encouraged - you pay half rate if you accept and pay up quickly. If it’s fine in one Western European country, why is it such a massive moral issue in another? Actually it’s a legal technicality.

HeronLanyon · 14/02/2019 09:47

Criminal barrister here. It is an offence. You have already admitted a criminal offence by taking points previously. So has he. Think you should be very concerned about him
Already having committed an offence which for many loses them their job/career because it is sophisticated planned dishonesty.
Careful op. Don’t even think about doing this AGAIN.
if the offer has come to you then you need to say it was not you driving.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/02/2019 09:48

You are both idiots and are acting illegally.

Why are you putting up with this crap attitude from him? He sounds like a bully.

HeronLanyon · 14/02/2019 09:49

making there are lots of things which are not offences in one country but are in another. The police and cps don’t think ‘oh if we were in x country we wouldn’t charge them both for dishonesty so let’s just forget it’ !

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 09:49

Just phone them and say you made a mistake filling out the form, no need for all this drama.

You mean lie ?

makingmammaries · 14/02/2019 09:57

@Heron, yes, I do know that. But it also means that you can stop assuming that law and morality coincide absolutely, and there is no need for people to accuse the OP of being a disgusting person.

thecatsthecats · 14/02/2019 10:01

Tangent: This maybe explains why I'm always miffed that Mumsnetters include 'car stuff' in their list of things they sort out for the household. 'Car stuff' to me involves such an infintesimal amount of effort on an annual basis that I don't think it even counts as a thing. Maybe everyone's administrating speeding fines etc?

OP:

YABU to not take the simple adult responsibility of filling in your own forms. It may seem casual, but you can see now surely that there's a reason it's supposed to be done by the addressee!

YWBU to take the points for him, enabling this shitty attitude.

HIBU for being a shitty speeding misogynist twonk.

BarbaraofSevillle · 14/02/2019 10:18

If it’s fine in one Western European country, why is it such a massive moral issue in another

It's a massive moral issue because it allows dangerous drivers to remain on the road.

Is your country one of those famed for terrifyingly poor driving standards?

NCjustforthisthread · 14/02/2019 10:23

@makingmammaries - if you do not live in THIS country, where it is illegal to do what you did, then why would you think it relevant to let us all know that it’s legal where you are? This is not an AIBU about your situation. This is an AIBU about a situation in a country where it is illegal to do what she did. Ever had a family member killed due to some irresponsible driver speeding? I have. The OP has been almost forced to take points for something she didn’t do. A crime in THIS country. Not yours.

NCjustforthisthread · 14/02/2019 10:27

Is the country you live in corrupt?! It sounds dreadful to allow someone else to take the points!!! And it is to be encouraged?!?! Holy hell. @makingmammaries - this sounds crazy!

makingmammaries · 14/02/2019 10:37

I love the way people jump to conclusions. First, it’s not ‘my country’. It’s France. Road death statistics similar to UK; corruption statistics also similar. My point is that the speeding laws were not handed to Moses on a tablet, and moreover anyone who claims they never break the law anywhere is definitely lying. So you might as well all back off and stop getting so emotive about the OP’s legal dilemma.

makingmammaries · 14/02/2019 10:53

I am sorry for your loss, @NCjustfor.

Human beings are fallible. I have a family member crippled by NHS negligence. Whatever the OP does about this specific incident is not going to alter the course of anyone’s life. In future, her DP definitely needs to deal with his own fines/points.

Fattymcfaterson · 14/02/2019 11:01

You mean lie?

Well yes.
Stop the press! People lie!!
She hasn't committed an offence as she hasn't taken the bloody course. So I don't see how lieing about a mistake on a form is going to harm anyone.
Unless the moral police come knocking....ffs 🚨

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 11:15

She hasn't committed an offence as she hasn't taken the bloody course.

She has already committed an offence - the RK and only the RK should complete the form sent to the RK.

OddCat · 14/02/2019 11:29

If the photos are very clear, would they not see that it was a
Male driving and think it odd if a woman turns up ?

diddl · 14/02/2019 11:47

"She has already committed an offence - the RK and only the RK should complete the form sent to the RK."

I think that this is probably what will keep the Op continuing with the lie.

Having already taken points for him, I can't see why Op thought that her husband would fill it out in his own name tbh.

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 11:49

Having already taken points for him, I can't see why Op thought that her husband would fill it out in his own name tbh.

Shame they didn't read it then - it doesn't work that way.

sashh · 14/02/2019 11:50

If it’s fine in one Western European country, why is it such a massive moral issue in another? Actually it’s a legal technicality.

You can smoke pot in some countries, doesn't make it legal here.

In Hungary the age of consent is 14, but if you are close in age it can be 12, 14 is also the age of consent in a lot of other European countries but I don't think that would work as a defence in the UK.

Ellie56 · 14/02/2019 11:59

You really need to sort this out OP. If they have photographic evidence, you will land further in the shit if you turn up for the speeding course.

makingmammaries · 14/02/2019 12:28

@sassh, where did I say it would work as a legal defense?

As a means of putting things into perspective for the pearl-clutches, it does however have some relevance.

crosstalk · 14/02/2019 12:29

OP if your DH does the speeding course (I've done it for 35 over 30mph leaving a roundabout thankfully in countryside with no schools around) he might learn that some humans can survive being hit at 30mph. Come 35mph, a large number, especially children, don't. I think you need to talk to your DH in every sort of way and start taking responsibility for paperwork that only you can sign. It's worrying you're leaving this to him ... do you read joint accounts? is your name on the house and mortgage?

cushioncuddle · 14/02/2019 12:31

He cannot fill in and sign the form if it was in your name.
Therefore he must have forged your signature.
It's not as simple as he can do the course not me.
It's now onto fraud as well as being an arse to expect you to do it.
It's against the law to say someone else was driving. It's also against the law to forge a signature. He's a real idiot.

derxa · 14/02/2019 12:55

He sorts all the bills, car stuff etc. usually. Hmm

AlexaAmbidextra · 14/02/2019 13:25

Unless you actually want your DP to get into huge trouble, I’d let sleeping dogs lie on this occasion and do the course.

MakingMammaries. You weren’t telling OP to make her own decision in your first post. This is what you said. You suggested that she continues with the lie. The definition of aiding and abetting is to assist someone in committing or encourage someone to commit a crime.. So yes, that’s precisely what you were doing.

GabsAlot · 14/02/2019 13:27

you can have a gun in america-oh ok then have one here

you make no sense making-others countries laws are not our concern