To be feeling so hurt by my parents?

[OneThingOffTheList]

There's a backstory to this which is a lifetime long so I'll summarise as best I can.

My mum is a manipulative person and has always been emotionally abusive to me. I'm one of her 5 children and she has a bad relationship with all of us. You could say my dad is her enabler, but he is actually a lovely person who has made some questionable choices (such as standing by her) but I believe a lot of that is down to the abuse he's suffered from her over the years.

I could give you a long list of things she has done to me over the years which would shock you but I'll not go into all that right now as I don't want to drag this out.

Basically, things came to a head this summer. It was my sister's wedding weekend. I like in the south of England and I flew up alone with my 2 young children. When I arrived, my mum had set the bedrooms up differently to how she normally would. She had put the cot up in the room that my older DD was going to be sleeping in. My younger DD is a nightmare at sharing a room, every time we've tried, she's take literally hours to go to sleep. My eldest is also a very early riser so I knew she would wake early and then wake my younger DD. I explained to my mum and asked if I could just put the cot in the room with me (there was plenty of space). My mum hit the roof about how ungrateful I am and that his her house and I should be thanking them to putting us up, not complaining. The upshot was that I wasn't allowed to move the cot. That night went exactly as I'd expected. The kids didn't go to sleep until almost 10pm (normal bedtime 7.30) and we're both up before 6am. I had 2 vile kids the next day. They were completely and utterly exhausted and every small thing became a huge challenge. The next day my sister arrived and would be sleeping in the room next to my girls room and the following morning was her wedding day. I was so worried that the kids would wake her up in the morning. My older DD has a grow clock so if she's in a room on her own, she wouldnt get up before 7am and youngest DD is a great sleeper so I knew she'd sleep a full 12 hours at least if sharing with me. I was also concerned that on the wedding day they would both be exhausted, grumpy and uncooperative. I was bridesmaid and so I really needed them to be on good form for the wedding.

I called my DH in tears because the whole situation was becoming so stressful. He told me to tell my mum that if she wouldn't just allow me to move the cot, then I would be booking a hotel for the evening. She once again went ballistic at me, calling me names and saying I was blackmailing her. I categorically wasn't. I was telling her the truth. I wasn't going to stay there another night under those circumstances. My mum said to me that I just want everything to revolve around me and that I was obviously trying to ruin my sister's wedding weekend because I was jealous of her. She said a lot of very hurtful things.

Eventually they let me move the cot and, lo and behold, the girls slept amazingly that night. As did my sister and I. The wedding all went smoothly so i was very relieved.

After that though, I came to the decision I couldn't stay at their house on future visits to Scotland. Stuff like this happens every time but I believe my mum was worse because my husband wasn't there with me. I was more vulnerable.

Anyway, things turned really sour when I said I wasn't going to stay with them on our next trip and lots more was said. At one point my mum actually called me a rat infront of my 5 year old DD.

I stayed with my lovely brother and his wife and had a lovely trip. I only saw my mum once and she spent the whole time having my eldest on her lap, sort of whispering into her ear so possibly bad mouthing me.

Anyway, we're heading back up to Scotland in a couple of months and I received a text from my dad saying to remember we're very welcome to stay with them when we visit. I sent a very nice reply, thanking him but explaining that a lot had been said & done which I'm sure he understood, and I thought it would be best to stay elsewhere but spend a lot of time with him and my mum and that we should just take things one step at a time and that I was really looking forward to seeing them.

I then posted on our family WhatsApp group to give them the dates we'd be visiting and asking them to let us know when they're free.

I received a message from my dad (written by my mum) which basically mirrored the message I had sent to my dad saying "these arrangements aren't good for us, I'm sure you'll understand. A lot has been said and done and I think it's best if we visit you at DB & SILs house". So basically I'm not allowed to go to their house when we visit. My D.C. haven't seen their grandparents for 8 months and probably won't see them again until the end of the year. I didn't want to drag the kids into this. DD absolutely loves "grandad garden" and has been talking lots about going there and now I have to tell her we can't go.

AIBU to be upset by this? Am I dealing with this the wrong way? I just feel so lost.

This is a mess. Rather than message, ring up your dad and see what he has to say. Does he want to see the children

Imo don't tell them the dates at all. Stay with db and enjoy some nice family time. You dm is toxic and seriously your dc are not missing out if they don't know her.

I can't phone my dad. He won't talk to me on the phone because I'm not speaking to my mum. He's sent me a handful of messages since this all happened and although they sent a gift, he never even called me on my 30th birthday. He's under her control basically.

I tried to see him a couple of times last time we were up and he wouldn't see us (I believe because my mum was at work and he's have got hell for it).

They're not missing out not knowing my mum but my dad brought so much happiness to my childhood. My DD's absolutely adore him as do all my nieces and nephews. It's really breaking my heart.

Sorry op but your df stands by and allows you to be treated like shit.
That's not being a great df at all.

looks like there's no negotiating to be done with mum, she just likes to blow it all up. She may even have a lasting effect on your kids, you don't want them influenced by her.

It sounds like you feel sorry for your dad and that your defending him, but he is making choices here. He is choosing to allow your mother to treat you this way. He is choosing to not stand up to her. He is choosing not to speak to you. It doesn't matter why the hurt caused is still the same. I'm sorry this is an awful situation for you and your little ones but you have to make positive choices for you and for them. Choose not to engage. Choose not to expose your children to your toxic mum. Choose to protect them and you from all this.

So your dad's not that lovely then.

I know this is hard for you to see but it isnt really in your kid's interests to get close to your parents (or yours either, come to that). All that will happen is that theyll treat them like crap too. Suggest you leave it, enjoy visiting your other family and put lots of cold, empty space bw you and your parents. Beware though, they wont like the fact youre trying to escape their abuse and are likely to escalate matters.

Ypur dad may have brought lots of happiness to your childhood but given the choice of protecting you or protecting himself he choses himself. Every. single. time.

He'll choose himself over your children too.

OP Seriously you need to woman up
Do you really want your daughters to see their mother as a snivelling wreck who pleads with her own mother to move a cot?!

And your dad isn’t a “lovely” man.
He’s a very weak man

Seems you are at a crossroads. You can either accept this and look at s future with little contact with your parents or you confront it. Maybe get a one to one conversation with your mother. Tell her your side of things. Confront her with her behaviour, recent and historic. Tell her that she is danger of losing you.

Ypur dad may have brought lots of happiness to your childhood but given the choice of protecting you or protecting himself he choses himself. Every. single. time.

I know this is true but I don't think he sees that he has a choice! She has manipulated and abused him for almost 40 years. I know he's also choosing my mum over me. The funny thing is, I'd never ask him to choose one of us, but my mum makes him choose.

My mum is not someone you can have a conversation with. She doesn't ever accept that she's at fault in any way. She hates me for the fact I've stepped away from them. She needs to have control over me and for the first time in my life, she's lost that. She doesn't care about losing me as such, it's all about losing that control.

Beware though, they wont like the fact youre trying to escape their abuse and are likely to escalate matters.

This is already happening.

Your dad has badly let you down OP - he should have protected you from your abusive mother. However ‘nice’ he is, he wasn’t a good dad.

He has made his choice. You have to stand strong and let him see what the consequence of that choice is. He can then decide if he wants to live with it, or wants to stand up to your mum.

If they want a relationship with your children, they have to accept that it’s on your terms and with them being respectful of your wishes.

Sorry but I disagree that your Dad is lovely, he’s allowing your mum to treat you like shit on her shoe and enabling her behaviour. His love for his children is meant to trump his wife’s petty grievances, but he’s too weak to even call his daughter on her 30th. It’s horrendous that your mother would hurt your kids just to spite you. The fact he sits by and allows the mother of his children to berate her daughter says a lot about him, even if she is bad to him too.
I’m really sorry you have such shit parents OP, it sounds like a really awful situation. But do you really want to expose your kids to people like this? You have done so well to escape and not let their bad parenting affect your own, you can’t let your kids grow up thinking this is a normal way to treat family.

You think your father is lovely because the two of you share many traits it would seem.

You are an adult. A woman. A mother. Walk away

I don't think your dad is a bad person. Obviously your mother will make his life hell if he doesn't go along with her. It's easy to say he should be stronger but he's been living with this abuse for years.

I would agree to seeing them at your brother's house.

I understand what you men re your dad OP. He was abused. I've seen this. No advice, but I do understand.

I think my dad possibly feels like I've turned my back on him because I've put him in this position.

*Your dad's doing exactly what MN says every spouse should do, he's backing your mum up in exactly the way you expect your husband to back you up. Strange how the rules change for a different generation.

And your mum sends you exactly the same message you sent her but, while it's fine from you, it's wrong from her. Try treating your parents as you would wish to be treated. They're sending you a very clear message here.*

I'm not even going to respond to this!

YANBU. My Dad was my Mum's enabler. He knew exactly what she's like - to the point of telling me he regretted leaving his ex wife for her - but he never did anything to address her manipulative and abusive behaviour. I did, I went NC with her but I lost him in the process. He trashed me and destroyed our relationship. It took many hours and money in therapy to be able to say "It was his choice, I was not responsible for his actions". Still hurt like a bugger though.