To be feeling so hurt by my parents?

[OneThingOffTheList]

There's a backstory to this which is a lifetime long so I'll summarise as best I can.

My mum is a manipulative person and has always been emotionally abusive to me. I'm one of her 5 children and she has a bad relationship with all of us. You could say my dad is her enabler, but he is actually a lovely person who has made some questionable choices (such as standing by her) but I believe a lot of that is down to the abuse he's suffered from her over the years.

I could give you a long list of things she has done to me over the years which would shock you but I'll not go into all that right now as I don't want to drag this out.

Basically, things came to a head this summer. It was my sister's wedding weekend. I like in the south of England and I flew up alone with my 2 young children. When I arrived, my mum had set the bedrooms up differently to how she normally would. She had put the cot up in the room that my older DD was going to be sleeping in. My younger DD is a nightmare at sharing a room, every time we've tried, she's take literally hours to go to sleep. My eldest is also a very early riser so I knew she would wake early and then wake my younger DD. I explained to my mum and asked if I could just put the cot in the room with me (there was plenty of space). My mum hit the roof about how ungrateful I am and that his her house and I should be thanking them to putting us up, not complaining. The upshot was that I wasn't allowed to move the cot. That night went exactly as I'd expected. The kids didn't go to sleep until almost 10pm (normal bedtime 7.30) and we're both up before 6am. I had 2 vile kids the next day. They were completely and utterly exhausted and every small thing became a huge challenge. The next day my sister arrived and would be sleeping in the room next to my girls room and the following morning was her wedding day. I was so worried that the kids would wake her up in the morning. My older DD has a grow clock so if she's in a room on her own, she wouldnt get up before 7am and youngest DD is a great sleeper so I knew she'd sleep a full 12 hours at least if sharing with me. I was also concerned that on the wedding day they would both be exhausted, grumpy and uncooperative. I was bridesmaid and so I really needed them to be on good form for the wedding.

I called my DH in tears because the whole situation was becoming so stressful. He told me to tell my mum that if she wouldn't just allow me to move the cot, then I would be booking a hotel for the evening. She once again went ballistic at me, calling me names and saying I was blackmailing her. I categorically wasn't. I was telling her the truth. I wasn't going to stay there another night under those circumstances. My mum said to me that I just want everything to revolve around me and that I was obviously trying to ruin my sister's wedding weekend because I was jealous of her. She said a lot of very hurtful things.

Eventually they let me move the cot and, lo and behold, the girls slept amazingly that night. As did my sister and I. The wedding all went smoothly so i was very relieved.

After that though, I came to the decision I couldn't stay at their house on future visits to Scotland. Stuff like this happens every time but I believe my mum was worse because my husband wasn't there with me. I was more vulnerable.

Anyway, things turned really sour when I said I wasn't going to stay with them on our next trip and lots more was said. At one point my mum actually called me a rat infront of my 5 year old DD.

I stayed with my lovely brother and his wife and had a lovely trip. I only saw my mum once and she spent the whole time having my eldest on her lap, sort of whispering into her ear so possibly bad mouthing me.

Anyway, we're heading back up to Scotland in a couple of months and I received a text from my dad saying to remember we're very welcome to stay with them when we visit. I sent a very nice reply, thanking him but explaining that a lot had been said & done which I'm sure he understood, and I thought it would be best to stay elsewhere but spend a lot of time with him and my mum and that we should just take things one step at a time and that I was really looking forward to seeing them.

I then posted on our family WhatsApp group to give them the dates we'd be visiting and asking them to let us know when they're free.

I received a message from my dad (written by my mum) which basically mirrored the message I had sent to my dad saying "these arrangements aren't good for us, I'm sure you'll understand. A lot has been said and done and I think it's best if we visit you at DB & SILs house". So basically I'm not allowed to go to their house when we visit. My D.C. haven't seen their grandparents for 8 months and probably won't see them again until the end of the year. I didn't want to drag the kids into this. DD absolutely loves "grandad garden" and has been talking lots about going there and now I have to tell her we can't go.

AIBU to be upset by this? Am I dealing with this the wrong way? I just feel so lost.

The dads don't have to talk for them either. they choose to do that. They could put their foot down.

Your dad is weak to not stand up to your mother; mine was like that and it upsets me to think about it now but both parents are now gone and of course they did have their good points.

Organise your own accommodation from now on.

Never mind what your mum says (or what your dad doesn't hasn't said).

You have your own life to live.

My dad is still like it even though they are divorced and live apart. I thought it might change but no.

You really need to go NC.

Irrespective of whether your Dad is nice deep down his actions are not nice.

Your mother is and will more readily manipulate your children and bring them into her games. Is placating your father worth giving the children a toxic relationship?

If your Dad really loves you he will be relieved you got away.

I hate the term banded around but she really is a class A narcissist.

Don't let her ego kill yours.

on the rare occasion that I've confided in someone about my childhood, I've always asked them to imagine the roles were reversed. Just because my dad's the man in the relationship shouldn't be a reason for him to be punished. He's very soft natures whereas my mum is extremely domineering

If you go to the relationships board, you'll see that a lot of posters spend a lot of time helping people in abusive relationships recognise that they can and should leave their abusive 'partners' for the sake of their children - in order to protect their children. Your dad didn't do that. Read back what you wrote about your family being well off but not buying you sanitary protection as a teenager - that is outrageously shocking. Your dad was complicit in your abusive upbringing because he didn't stand up for you.

He is a victim of abuse, as are you. But as the adult and your parent he didn't stand up for you then, and he's not standing up for you now. So whilst you may feel sad about that, and feel sorry for him, he doesn't get a free pass to excuse his (lack of) actions and their consequences. He' snot being "punished" for your mother's actions. He's reaping the consequences of his own choices.

It sucks. And I am really sorry for both you and your dad.

Thanks squirrels. I know theres a lot of truth in what you're saying.

My husband is in the army so we have opportunities to live overseas but my mum would always guilt trip me with "what if I die when you're over there" "your kids won't even know me" etc but I was really thinking about it all last night and I'm thinking maybe we should go for it. The reason for going wouldn't be to spite her, but what is really keeping me here? The thing that's kept us here before has been the emotional abuse but I can be free from that now.

Thoughts on me moving overseas? Would that be a good idea or a knee jerk reaction?

Sorry, I really don't have many people I can confide in with all of this 😔

Stop considering your mum in every decision about your life, I would say.

If your mum wanted to visit you overseas she could.

If your mum wanted to Skype with the GC she could.

But I assume she doesn't do any of that anyway, and you already live hours away and can't see them much due to distance.

She has choices in how to behave.

You have choices too. Make the ones that suit you and your family.

Keep in touch with your lovely siblings, and keep the door open to your parents if you feel you must, but refuse to be manipulated or guilt-tripped.

Relationships are two-way. You do not 'owe' her anything just because she is your mother. It would be lovely if you had a better mother. But you don't. You can't fix it, and neither should you have the responsibility to have to.

In some ways, being abroad is a brilliant get out of jail free card for your lack of contact, isn't it? If it suits your family, why not?

Thoughts on me moving overseas? Would that be a good idea or a knee jerk reaction?

Do whatever makes you and your little family happiest. We moved to the other side of the world from my DH’s narcissistic stepmom, shit it was a good choice!

Try to take your parents out of the equation - if you can - while deciding whether to move overseas for a while. Weigh up the pros and cons, and see where that gets you. Loving parents would want the best for you.

I moved to a different U.K. country to get away from my abusive DM and weak DF 45 years ago. In those days it was the equivalent to moving to the other side of the world😄. Best thing I could've done.

Only go overseas because you want to - choose it for its own sake. Don't go in order to NOT have other things. Focus on what you want.

Remove yourself from the family WhatsApp group and communicate with your other siblings etc outside of that,

Absolutely go and live your lives wherever you want! Leave these awful people behind without a second thought

They have had more than enough time to be decent parents, they can’t be.

Your mother clearly is an awful person, but your dad is CHOOSING to back her up in her abuse of you. He’s in my opinion way worse than she is.

She now won’t let you in the house when you are in the same town so she should not be a factor in any way in a decision to move overseas.

Please, please get some counselling.

My parents were abusive. It was more clear cut as there was violence as well as cruelty, and I was relatively lucky as my grandparents basically took us one day and told my parents to take them to court if they wanted us back.

I had very conflicted feelings over my Mother as she was also abused by my father. However, she sacraficed us for herself. Her happiness mattered more than our safety. She would actively collude and partake in things to hurt us. It was a very liberating moment when I realised that whilst she was a victim she also chose to make us victims.

Think about what your children are seeing and hearing - is their relationship with your father actually worth hearing people call you names and undermine you? Will your father ever stick up for them or are they likely to end up in your mothers aim also?

Good counselling is honestly very well worth it. It's hard, I won't lie, but it's worth it.

Get yourself away, OP. Live your life. Flying from abroad is not much more hassle than flying to Scotland from down south. Don't look back and regret not going abroad, but only go because you want to, not as a reaction to your mum being a bloody trauma.

Thanks all... I think there are many things I haven't achieved/accomplished because of my mums influence.

I hope this doesn't sound as though I'm being big headed but I know I'm quite intelligent and was doing incredibly well in school until my teen years when my mums abuse got worse and my confidence was shot to pieces. I just gave up on everything and didn't care about the future. So career wise I haven't had the successes I know I could have, which does leave me feeling disappointed at times. I'm just trying to remind myself that I'm only 30 and there is time to change that.

Since this big fall out with my parents, I have actually booked a course of driving lessons which is another thing I never had the confidence to go for.

I want to make up for lost time and feel like seeing a bit of the world would be a good place to start

Hopefully it can be onwards and upwards for me 🙏🏼

You sound tons more positive which is lovely.

I'm only 30 and there is time

This with bells on. Go for it. You won't regret trying new things or aiming high.

Your post and situation are nuts - pick up the cot and move it into your room next time like any normal/responsible parent would have done. No discussion needed.

So sorry you're going though this. They're making you feel like shit. I don't see what the value is in continuing to have any kind of relationship with these horrible people.

Your post and situation are nuts - pick up the cot and move it into your room next time like any normal/responsible parent would have done. No discussion needed.

Obviously it's nuts! That's why I'm on here posting and asking for help. You have no idea of the uproar that would be caused by me moving the cot. That would have been 100% guaranteed to ruin our whole visit. By asking, there was a very small chance she might cooperate. My mum is not your average person. She's controlling, abusive and aggressive. Unfortunately the "no discussion needed" thing isn't relevant in this situation.

Sorry if I have missed this, but have you thought about counselling? I went to Mind when my Mum was taking her grief out on me when my Dad was extremely ill and sadly died. They helped me immensely xx

You have no idea of the uproar that would be caused by me moving the cot. That would have been 100% guaranteed to ruin our whole visit. By asking, there was a very small chance she might cooperate.

But that’s on her. I’d she kicks off you leave the property and leave her to it. She controls you by keeping in fear of her tantrums. If you don’t care about her trantrums her power falls away.

Altho I appreciate that that scenario was a wedding and therefore special circumstances. You didn’t want to mess it up for your sister I get that.

However there always will be some kind of special circumstance, - birthday, Christmas, Easter whatever - and you just have to stop caring what she does and if she kicks off you leave.

OneStepMoreFun’s post @ Wed 13-Feb-19 13:21 above is spot on.

you will only ever make progress when you 100% stop caring.

This is absolutely true.