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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First date with lovely man.... but then I got this?

174 replies

wolfgirl11 · 13/02/2019 09:12

Hi all
I've been on a few online dating sites for a couple of years on and off. Last week I met someone I really clicked with. Spent 6 hours together -big connection (& lots of booze)
Messaging lots since & both commenting how good it was. Then last night he sent this;
'And I know I've only just met you but you're THE most amazing person. I meet a lot of people. You're special. Very'
I suggested that considering we only met once that's a pretty big thing to say.
He said 'I have a big heart'
I'm thinking big red flag. What would you think if you received that after one date?

OP posts:

Vixxxy · 13/02/2019 14:04

I wouldn't see this as a red flag no. It is quite intense though for just meeting. My husband asked me to marry him after only being together a week though..

ClarabellaCTL · 13/02/2019 14:21

Give him a chance. I met my DH online and it got serious very quickly. Within a month he had asked me if I wanted to go on holiday with him (he had to book it as he was best man at his mate's wedding in California). My friends all thought I was insane but I said yes. We've been married 12 years this year :)

Sparklybanana · 13/02/2019 14:32

One of my boyfriends at uni got all enthusiastic like this and even drew a graph of how quickly his feelings had grown (uh huh..). However, the y axis was clearly wrong because not 3 weeks later he dumped me for his ex who he was totally going to marry. Except she then became his ex again within months.
I think a lot of people just speak a whole load of bs. Ignore the text and focus on the rest of the package. If you like him, great. If he shows more signs of being someone who’ll make you uncomfortable, then run for the hills!

caringcarer · 13/02/2019 14:33

Tell him you want to take it slower.

Readytorewind · 13/02/2019 15:10

@wolfgirl11 - that balance is very hard to find isn't it?

When you have been burned, hard, in previous relationships it's even harder to weigh up. I hurtle between 'FGS, he's a nice guy and you aren't married or serious yet just go with the flow, don't over think it and have fun' which is normal, adjusted and adult, to getting up at 2am saying 'I have to leave, this isn't right' which is what I did on Friday! Luckily he wouldn't let me leave because I had been drinking. Every interaction is steeped in a massive klaxon in my head saying 'Be careful'. I guess only time will tell if the are twats or not, but I am ready to bail this time at the first hint of twattery.

straightjeans · 13/02/2019 15:30

I don't believe in playing it cool anymore. If I like someone, I'm telling them and I would appreciate if they did the same. I'm not doing the silly back and forth anymore.

Lweji · 13/02/2019 15:31

When you have been burned, hard, in previous relationships it's even harder to weigh up.

Very true.

NunoGoncalves · 13/02/2019 15:33

I don't believe in playing it cool anymore. If I like someone, I'm telling them and I would appreciate if they did the same. I'm not doing the silly back and forth anymore.

Yeah, but there's a vast middle ground between "playing it cool" and saying "you're the most amazing and special person I've ever met" after one date. I would be wary of anyone who wasn't able to figure that out.

Karigan195 · 13/02/2019 15:34

I’d be wary. Last ‘I have a big heart’ I dated turned into a person who would sulk if I didn’t answer his messages or calls immediately. Even made me feel claustrophobic when he was sent to work in a different country for 4 weeks!

Can’t be doing with that

Lovemusic33 · 13/02/2019 15:47

I have online dated for years, from expereance I would run for the hills if someone sent me this. It’s fine people saying “give the guy a break” but after dating several men like this I wouldn’t agree. It’s ok to pay someone a complement but he sounds a bit full on and desperate to me. Surely you need to get to know someone before sending this type of message? After one date it’s way too full on.

Original poster

wolfgirl11 · 13/02/2019 18:44

Thanks so much for all posting.
So appreciated.
Sounds like most of you reckon this isn't a red flag. I'd like to think I'm pretty switched on & although I feel slightly more wary now, I'm not ruling out a second date like I was this morning! But I will defo have twat-dar turned on!!!!

OP posts:

MzHz · 13/02/2019 18:57

You’re right to be cautious, but you yourself said there was a big connection, so see him again and see how you feel, take each day as it comes and enjoy yourself!

I know it’s always a bit daunting to start to trust anyone new, but you have to be a little bit brave sometimes and check things out

Don’t take any daft risks, keep your guard up a little, but he’s trying to tell you he thinks you’re amazing, he could be correct 😊

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 19:02

Honestly this wouldn't bother me, I'd just think he'd been on the sauce when he sent it. If he escalated it and continued it, I'd probably find it a bit smothering an back off but one text I'd put down to wanting to get laid and being a bit pissed.

RoboticSealpup · 13/02/2019 19:32

Thing is... Talk is cheap. Wait and see if his behaviour matches.

AhNowTed · 13/02/2019 19:40

Give him a chance.

The fact that your radar is up bodes well for future bullshit spotting, but to my mind he's done nothing wrong.

Play it by ear and see what happens.

Singlenotsingle · 13/02/2019 19:53

Dp didn't need to say anything and neither did I. We just knew. Somehow on our second date we were looking at houses. Still together 16 years later

leahtalbot96 · 14/02/2019 10:48

We met abroad. A few days later, we met again at a restaurant. We hit it off instantly, this was nearly 5 years ago now. I knew from the outset, we had feelings for one another. My advice is to wait for a bit and carefully see what happens.

Arrange another date. What do you have to lose?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2019 10:54

But maybe you are amazing OP!

So I'd be more 🙄 if it was just 6 hours of general chat, and you told him you do a mundane job, no special interests as opposed to you 6 hours of talking about yourselves, finding out you're a PICU nurse, and volunteer at a children's hospice in your free time and this year want to climb Everest to raise money for the homeless charity you set up last year.

Agree it's just a pink napkin

proseccoandbooks · 14/02/2019 12:03

Indeed, a.k.a. idiopathic dilated cardiomyopathy, can be very serious.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 14/02/2019 12:09

It would only be a red flag if this is what he tells everyone but you've no way of knowing until you get to know him a bit better, so definitely go for another date and give him a chance.

Ribbonsonabox · 14/02/2019 12:15

I'd be cautious because it definitely could be a red flag. It's more the way hes worded it than the sentiment. 'I have a big heart' 'you're special'.... its sounds quite self absorbed in a way... like hes more concerned with his own experience of romance than you as an individual entity....
If hed said something like 'I really feel we connected, I find you so interesting, I really enjoyed spending time with you' I'd feel more comfortable.
But hes put quite definitive statements there.... and my honest reaction to 'you're special' would be ' who gave you the right to decide that and why do you assume that it's a compliment to me that YOU think I'm special?' Maybe I'm uptight but to me it rings alarm bells because of the wording... in my experience men who speak like this at this stage of a relationship tend to be self obsessed and controlling..... that's just my opinion though....

Springwalk · 14/02/2019 15:57

He may mean that he has had his heart broken, it sounds like someone else described him that way.

I would absolutely give him a chance. We have all said silly things before.

Redcampions · 14/02/2019 16:21

My now DH sent me a message saying the day after he missed me so much and wished he was with me. I was a bit slow down but we have been marriaged 16 years and going strong. And the great thing is he is open with his feelings and shows a lot of love

Indie139 · 14/02/2019 19:34

I wouldnt exactly take it as a red flag, naybe hes just enthusiastic and excited about how well it went. Go on a second date and see how it goes

Kisskiss · 14/02/2019 20:07

Go for a second date , observe and then decide! Or a third if you need more time... it’s hard to judge on the basis of 6 hrs and 1 text. He could really just think u’re perfect for him ( and is t afraid to say it) OR he could be a psycho...

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