Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

First date with lovely man.... but then I got this?

174 replies

wolfgirl11 · 13/02/2019 09:12

Hi all
I've been on a few online dating sites for a couple of years on and off. Last week I met someone I really clicked with. Spent 6 hours together -big connection (& lots of booze)
Messaging lots since & both commenting how good it was. Then last night he sent this;
'And I know I've only just met you but you're THE most amazing person. I meet a lot of people. You're special. Very'
I suggested that considering we only met once that's a pretty big thing to say.
He said 'I have a big heart'
I'm thinking big red flag. What would you think if you received that after one date?

OP posts:

TeamRafael · 13/02/2019 12:30

My husband was exactly like this when we first met. I remember thinking how refreshing it was to meet someone who could be honest about his feelings and wore his heart on his sleeve!

We've been together for 20 years now and it turns out that actually he can't be honest about his feelings at all! He's a liar, he likes to gaslight and stonewall me and wrongfoot me. He's made me feel like I'm crazy and I've been walking on eggshells for years now without even realising I was adjusting my behaviour so as not to irritate him. He's excellent at this! A real talent

I'm currently getting my ducks very quietly in a row and hoping against hope he doesn't destroy me when he realises.

PBo83 · 13/02/2019 12:32

From what you've said it just sounds like he really likes you.

Agreed.

Obviously he's an emotional guy and wears his heart on his sleeve.

NunoGoncalves · 13/02/2019 12:39

There's a difference between wearing your heart on your sleeve and being emotionally awkward though. I would say I'm extremely open about my emotions, I always tell people how I feel, but I would know to dial it back a bit after ONE date with someone, to say something like "I really like you, can't wait to meet up again soon!" rather than "you're THE most amazing person .... You're special. Very". The latter shows a lack of social/emotional awareness which is why it naturally/subconsciously makes most people feel a little bit uncomfortable (as demonstrated by OP and most replies on this thread).

outpinked · 13/02/2019 12:41

I know there’s lots of talk of ‘love bombing’ on MN but my DP and I ‘love bombed’ each other without knowing love bombing was even a thing, it just felt right. We’re still together four years on and have a baby and house together so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Go with your gut. If you like him then stop overanalysing everything he does and just enjoy yourself.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/02/2019 12:48

I think give the poor guy a chance! He's trying to express that you've made an impression on him and how he feels, there's nothing wrong with that. I have two different perspectives really...my now ex-h was what can only be described as a "love bomber". However, it was so ridiculously intense that I had to tell him to back off sometimes. What I didn't realise then was that it was a pattern of behaviour that had started in his teens. Had I known that, I wouldn't have pursued the relationship. We had a long marraige but his inherent need for that first flush of romance and "honeymoon" to be continuously maintained meant that he was a serial cheat and prolific liar because let's face it, it's impossible for most people to keep up that level of intensity. Eventually he left me for OW and he will leave her in time and the pattern will continue on. On that basis, you need to keep your wits about you and take your time getting to know this man, if that's what you want.

On the other hand, my Dad told my Mum that he had fallen in love with her and was going to marry her on their first date (mid 1960's). She laughed at him as she was independent and had her own career and didn't want to be tied down. However, they had a wonderful 40 years together until my Mum death, and as many others have described on here, it's entirely possible that that can happen. Not everything is a "red flag". Good luck!

3timeslucky · 13/02/2019 12:51

You've seen him once. You seemed to click. You get a message that you're a bit surprised by.

Even putting aside that a lot of people think it is a lovely / positive message, why would you not just see him again based on how well you got on? I know I haven't dated in 15+ years but I don't get why you wouldn't invest another date in finding out if the first date magic is still there.

KarmaStar · 13/02/2019 12:53

Because you've been messaging lots and really clicked I'd give him the benefit of the doubt Op and have a second date.he could have simply had a beer and was feeling happy and like he had met someone who he has strong feelings for early on.it does happen😊
Trust your instincts and intuition though.If you feel unhappy then end it.
Good luck.

LuckyLou7 · 13/02/2019 12:54

Love bombing is completely different to showing someone how much you like them - love bombing is manipulative behaviour, used to encourage loyalty and obedience. It can be dangerous, if the person on the receiving end doesn't realise what is happening. The fact that the OP has started a thread because she found his text disconcerting, says a lot.

JinglingHellsBells · 13/02/2019 12:58

Can't see what else there is to add and am sure you've had great advice.

My take on it is- you are a good listener. It sounds as if from the 'big heart' comment that you gave him ear space and he felt great afterwards.

Did you feel likewise?

My only negative comment is that such early intensity usually only goes in one direction- and that's not up.

I think you are over thinking this.

In the old days, people had a date then waited for the phone to ring and see if there was another date coming.
None of this complicated texting afterwards.

Really hard to get anything right in a text.

Just keep a cool head and accept he likes you. if he wants to escalate things a lot next time, see how you feel. It might be a match made in heaven or he may be a prize wanker- time will tell.

Readytorewind · 13/02/2019 12:59

I'm a bit further on from you, OP, 6 dates in. Our first date was 8 hours long, unintentionally, we just really got on and clicked.

He sent me a message after I got in the taxi saying;

'I had a great time. It was telling that neither of us wanted to leave! I thought the connection was great. Hope you want to do this again because I do?'

I went into total panic mode and as he laughs now 'dumped him at Christmas', sent him a message saying I'm not ready for a relationship thanks but no thanks! It was because I have previously been in a very violent marriage and then recently left a relationship with an addict. I wasn't looking for anything but fun, even though he hadn't even suggested a relationship . His message hinting that we had a connection made me run.

After Christmas I calmed down a bit and realised I was thinking about him a lot so we met up again and things have been lovely. Sometimes your interpretation/reaction to things like this tells you more about yourself? All you can do is give it time OP. You have choices and can make decisions and you can see how it goes?

JennieLee · 13/02/2019 13:06

I knew on my first date that my partner and I had something very strong in common.

I also knew that - like me - he was an adult with plenty of history and plenty of complications in his life. So no big declarations. I think we both just felt that yes, we'd like to see each other again and see how things went.

(Together for more than 20 years now.)

pissedonatrain · 13/02/2019 13:15

I wouldn't worry about it right now.

Just go out again with no booze, for a couple of hours or less and no sexy stuff. Just slow it down.

StopMakingAFoolOutofMe · 13/02/2019 13:19

I'd be more concerned over the "I meet a lot of people". It sounds a bit egotistical.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 13/02/2019 13:20

I wouldn't think too much of this. It sounds like he really likes you. It's better than him never contacting you again or saying thanks but no thanks.. Some people are just open with their feelings and if alcohol was involved, he's probably just been a little loose with the texts.
My husband was a bit full on from the start and I thought it was maybe a red flag as I'd seen the same in other guys who were all talk, then disappeared. But he followed through with his promises and he couldn't make me any happier.

Mmmhmmm · 13/02/2019 13:23

My husband said he knew he wanted to marry me in the first 20 minutes of talking to me. He didn't tell me that until after we were married.

Sounds like your guy may just not have his filter on.

Original poster

wolfgirl11 · 13/02/2019 13:28

Oh my goodness
I'm at work and just looked to see if anyone responded.....
Thank you everyone.
Teamrafael I hope you are able to find a safe way to leave. Is it safe to call the National dv helpline? They can help you access a refuge.
I am hyper vigilant based on previous abusive relationships and lovebombing was my initial thought. I have never been lovebombed. I have very little self esteem (secretly-some describe me as very outgoing!) so struggle with compliments
I haven't managed to read all the replies but it's encouraging that lots of you have experienced this and gone on to have healthy relationships.
Thank you 🙏🏽

OP posts:

U2HasTheEdge · 13/02/2019 13:39

Not always a red flag. My husband thought I was amazing after our first date (no idea why!) and he fell for me fast and deeply as I did him. We wanted to be together as much as possible after our first date.

We have been together 12 years and still very happy.

Just see where it goes and like with anyone you date, keep your eyes open.

LavendarBlue · 13/02/2019 13:43

Oh. I thought it was a lovely message and wouldn't ring any alarm bells for me.

U2HasTheEdge · 13/02/2019 13:43

Actually, we have been together 13 years!

Original poster

wolfgirl11 · 13/02/2019 13:50

Just to add, he said 'I meet a lot of people' which I agree does sound a bit but in his job, he does actually meet A LOT of people....

OP posts:

Readytorewind · 13/02/2019 13:51

The hyper vigilance is the thing here and definitely what I experienced. But it's trying to find the balance.

Lizzie48 · 13/02/2019 13:51

My DH proposed to me a couple of months after we first met, but we had been emailing for a month before that. We were introduced through friends who thought we'd get on. We got married 8 months later and will be celebrating our 16th anniversary in April. It can happen like that.

But OTOH, my DSis married her ex only a year after they'd met and he was very intense from the start. He was abusive towards her. So it can be a red flag as well.

We can't answer the question for you. At this stage, you don't know, as you don't know him yet. But if you like him, why not find out more about him on a second date?

Original poster

wolfgirl11 · 13/02/2019 14:00

readytorewind your first post stood out & thanks for the one just now....
How to find that balance? I have no idea.
We are meant to be going out again on Fri...He's the one who's being forward .....
It's normally me! (And haven't had an actual relationship for three years! And that one was short but emotionally abusive)

OP posts:

BeerandBiscuits · 13/02/2019 14:02

You've misunderstood OP.
He wasn't saying he loved you, so relax .
A person with a "a big heart" is kind and generous. So if someone says they've got a big heart they're complimenting themselves!
He probably meant he was being kind saying nice things to you.

Lizzie48 · 13/02/2019 14:04

I think I would consider that statement a bit boastful for my taste, and might be put off for that reason. But I wouldn't consider it as being too intense.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.