A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

You are not being unreasonable the sf son definitely was. I suggest you have a quite word with your mother and point out how unfair he was being and how upset you are that aunts etc are now making comments. Then to be honest I would go out for a meal with them again, or if I did I would make it clear you are only paying for what you eat/ drink. Then you may see the sf son changing his eating habits if he had to pay for his own

Ah well done you for standing up for yourself! I'm normally happy to absorb someone's slightly pricier meal or an extra drink here and there, but absolutely, children and non-drinkers should not be included in a general split.

Loving Bluntness100's maths as well.

Why would X insist on us paying £40 a head for our kids' £8 meals when his meal and drinks actually cost £90 (or whatever)? He was hoping we'd pay for his dinner! How does that make us the unreasonable ones?!

Absolutely.

They’re being ridiculously unreasonable. I wonder if your DF is upset or they’re just saying that to try and make you feel bad. Can you visit him and your mum to talk about it with them?

"everyone thinks I'm unreasonable for not wanting to subsidise their meals."

I'm interested to know what they say!

It's perhaps more about "making a scene" by actually speaking out.

YADNBU this sort of crap goes on with my sister as well. Once before getting married and having kids me, my Mum and sister went on holiday together. I was saving up to get married and had very little money. On the last night I had an omelette and water for my dinner it was the cheapest thing on the menu and came to 8euros. My Mum also has something cheap. My sister had 3 courses including a steak dinner and cocktails. The bill for her food and drinks alone came to nearly 70 euros. She expected us to split the bill and when I said no way she told me I’d ruined the holiday. Some people are just arses. I still try and avoid going out to meals where she’s going to be there now as she’s still a CF and tries this on regularly

YANBU.

I kind of hate group meals as there is always at least one who pure takes the piss, and usually this one person who ordered 200 quids worth of stuff while everyone else got something for a tenner..who insists that the bill should be split and if not everyone else is 'tight'

I learned very long ago that it’s always the big eaters/drinkers who think ‘splitting the bill’ is such a good idea. And that making it very clear from the start that I would not be doing that (not being either of those). Do it politely but firmly and others will accept that ( and the less confident will be grateful!).
Either tell the waiting staff for separate bill for your family and get your drinks from the bar, not the communal bottles. Or do the maths and speak up.
Of course the CF’s won’t like it. Hide of a rhinoceros, me. 🦏😁

Of course YANNU, what a cheeky fucker!

This is why it happens because nobody says to the greedy/cheeky twat - "What makes you think that other people should pay to subsidise what you've eaten and drunk? How come you don't think that you're the one who is 'tight'? How dare you try and pass on the bill for your extravagant ordering? Pay for YOURSELF. I'm paying £x which more than covers my family's ordering, plus a contribution to SF - and a tip. Let's see you do the same, skinflint".

Or, FFS, you can't add up, you've missed off all of your share. Give me the bill!" and whip it out of his hand.

I bet you'd get people agreeing with you. You need to have a sense of fairness at the outset though - if it's not right then it's not right and you should say so.

I wonder if the dynamic with this arrogant bully is everyone just doing what he wants rather than 'making a scene'. That kind of dynamic can be deeply ingrained in a family. Hence the shock when you refused to roll over. I also wonder whether intimidating blokes like this provoke a fight or flight response in people - you came out fighting where the women who've contacted you desperately just wanted the conflict to end. Either way it's totally not unreasonable of you to have stood your ground.

Bluntness100, it was actually a few pounds more than £52 as dh had suggested at the start of the meal that we covered my SF's meal. But either way, we ended up not over paying by over £60+.

That is bloody cheeky. I assumed that people would have contacted you to say sorry they didn't speak up not berate you for it. I would not be dining out en masse again. Next birthday offer to take your DM and SF out to dinner, if you paid for them both you would still end up better off than subsiding that greedy bunter.

YADNU that's crazy, were yours the only kids there? That's ridiculous and ridiculous that no one backed you either

YANBU. Normal process is

"Ok it's £55 per adult"

"No no, we will pay more to cover kids"

"Dont worry about that it's fine. Kids meals didn't cost much" Or "put a bit extra to the tip"

I usually dislike people who try to work out the bill to the £1 but in that case I wouid do the same OP.
Children’s meals should have come out and then the balance split. I went out with family once and my uncle tried to say that my cousin should be counted as a child - said “child” was 19 and had eaten and drunk as much as me and DH put together . I suggested that this shouldn’t be the case, it caused a bit of aggro but I hate freeloaders even more than pernickety bill splitters

I hope you told the Aunt where to go, she wasn't even there!!

Eric, yes I think you could be right. The son is a very dominant person who likes to hold court and he thinks his opinions mean more than everyone else's. If someone speaks and he's not interested in what they say then he tends to drown them out by talking over them. He's the complete opposite of my SF.

You were absolutely not being unreasonable at all - that's a ridiculous amount for your family, particularly taking into account what the children had ... the cheeky sod who ordered the most expensive and tons of alcohol should have been called out by everyone else - hate this bill splitting rubbish, especially when it's so unfair generally ... whoever said you ruined it should have put their hands in their pockets and paid yours

"Children’s meals should have come out and then the balance split."

I don't think that that is necessarily fair though if someone's meal/drinks have obviously cost more than others-unless everyone is OK with it.

YANBU!

Have never spilt the bill tbh. When I used to go out with other couples I was usually pregnant and the designated driver. They expected free taxi and split bill(me no alcohol ob) but no petrol contributions!!
Used to take turns with the venue, they chose Brewsters once. Hadn't realised was very dc oriented!! Walked back to the car (maybe a slight flounce?), a night out was a treat away from dc not to listen to other people's! Friends weren't amused but never chose there again!! Made for a slightly awkward drive to another place though!
Another plus from the divorce was the no more nights out tbh!!

You are definitely not being unreasonable Op, not sure why anyone would think you were?

I go out a few times a year with 3 friends, they live 25-30 miles away, we generally meet half way or closer to them, so I am usually driving (but not a big drinker anyway), as is one of others - one can’t drive due to disability so the other 2 take turns.

The two who aren’t driving usually order a bottle of wine but always, always split that between them, with the remainder of the bill split 4 ways, which is very fair.

We also go to Center Parcs with a group regularly, one couple with no kids, 3 with two each but one set younger than others. Any main meal we have in a restaurant gets paid by one family with the amount spent by each other family totted up either at the chalet or at home afterwards. It’s a pain, but definitely the fairest way, and there’s usually some equalising anyway, if we have booked sports courts or such.

I think splitting the bill is easiest if it’s amongst adults eating similar and either drinking similar or buying drinks separately, but in your case it is blatantly unfair.

If it's brought up again be firm and confident in telling them that it was 100% unreasonable for anyone to expect that the kids meals be included in the split. Any complaints, show them this thread.

I was in the middle of typing a response but @Hoppinggreen said it better so:

^^ what she said.

I hope all is ok with your Mum and SF - I can't imagine they'd be cross. The others were being totally unreasonable.

Well YANBU and the son sounds like an utter bellend.