A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

It's always the cheeky cunts who are expecting other people to subsidise their expensive tastes that wheel out the "tight" name calling when someone doesn't tow the line. You were more reserved than I would have been, I would have gladly pointed out what they had consumed and called them the tight one for expecting everyone else to pay for them.

Also I don’t know how anyone can do this. I’d feel so bad if I’d caused someone to end up out of pocket. I’m always amazed when people get all the expensive stuff then demand an even split.

You’re basically being penalised for having children! They should never be coping Rd in the per head split. You take the kids meals off and then split it. Very unfair way to do it.

I would just rinse and repeat:

"Why do you think I should pay £120 for nuggets and chips*? Very happy to split the bill between the adults."

*or whatever!

You were in the right
I always take control of splitting a bill now to avoid these things happening and ensure that people not drinking or eating expensive courses are not financing those others.

This is one of the reasons I ALWAYS sort the bill out !
Children are always taken off the bill and then as long as everyone has eaten and drank the bill is split between everyone.
If there are non drinkers food and booze are split seperatley

Including children in the per head split.

YADNBU. How rude of them! And it's terrible that no-one stood up for you

Absolutely not BU! No way would so have paid £120 for £24 worth of kids meals! Your relative is a CF and the relatives who contacted you are arseholes.

I generally hate people who quibble over bills (but all always the first to insist that I pay more if we've had wine and others haven't etc), but YWDNBU.

At a family occasion where adults present broadly had a similar amount of food and drinks and kids ate from an £8-a-head menu, expecting a couple with 3 kids to pay £200 whilst each other adult pays £40 is ridiculous.

Whenever we eat out with friends or family who have kids, we always split the bill between adults (unless there's a reason to do something different - e.g. if we had wine and the other couple didn't).

I think one adult amongst 11 consuming loads more and not offering to pay more - I'd let go (but slag them off later). But trying to get you to pay that amount - I wouldn't have agreed to that.

I appreciate it's hard to think on the spot when some CF is asserting themselves, but I'd probably have said something like "Oh [dickhead] - if you'd prefer not to just split the bill between adults, we'll just take care of the £24 for the kids and then split the rest?".

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

They have been almost as unreasonable doing that as the CF who thought you should pay. I think YANBU and think your compromise of the adults splitting the bill and then adding the children on separately was fair.

Being called tight for wanting to only pay for what you had!

Well tbh I'd rather be "tight" than a freeloader!

Unless otherwise explicitly agreed, I pay my share of the bill based on what I had. In a large group I'd normally try to make it easier by guesstimating a little high, and my friends usually do the same, which leaves a chunk extra as a tip.

All kinds of ways to sort this stuff out, like "set menu at X, pay more if you have more", all that matters is it's agreed beforehand.

In your situation I'd have said pay £24 for the kids meals, the other paying £8 for their one, then split the "adult" bill between adults, so about £50ish apiece. If they'd moaned, that'd change to paying for exactly what you ordered only.

I came onto this thread expecting to say that you’re being unreasonable. It’s only ever on mumsnet rather than in (my) real life that bills don’t get split evenly. I’ve rarely gone out for dinner and just paid for what I ate, bills are almost always split among my friends. The exception might be unless one person had something particularly expensive and insists on paying a bit extra. Or if one person wasn’t drinking in which case the rest of would insist that we split the alcohol amongst the drinkers and the food equally. I think what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know any CFs in real life.
Anyway, I think you were entirely justified. In this case I’d have deducted the kids’ food (each parent paying the appropriate amount per their number of kids) and split the rest of the bill equally.
(I’d also have expected the the expensive main course guy to have insisted on paying a bit extra but clearly he is a bit of a CF.)

YANBU. Sounds like the person who suggested it was being a CF.

Dear god no and if they had insisted I’d neber had gone for dinner with them again!

The thing to take away from this is, in future, if eating out with any or all of these cheeky fuckers, announce very loudly when ordering that you’ll be taking care of your own bill and ask the waiting-on staff to keep your bill separate from the rest of the party.

If it had been my family the adults would have shared the cost of all childrens meals whether we had children or not.YANBU.

I was coming on here to say YABU, but after reading this YADBU!

This is not to do with people thinking this is fair, they just can't think that. This is to do with not wanting to upset the other person, what's his position in family? Do people always bow down to him?

JamRolyPoly - YADNBU

And the moral of this story is ...

Grab the bill first, and sort it out fairly!

Ok there was 11 adults and 4 kids. Everyeone apart from one person consumed equally, of forty a head, that would have been a bill for 600

Of the four kids were removed, there food was 8 pounds each, then the bill would have been 568 . Split by 11 adults. So 52 pounds per head.

So for you and your husband 104 plus the 24 for your kids, giving you a bill of 128.

Th other way was you paying 200. Five times forty pounds. So in effect you were asked to pay 72 pounds more than your fair share.

So yes, you were totally correct, what most people would have done is simply said, forget thr kids, it's 600 between 11 adults, and as such, 55. Per head, or 110 per couple. As such, he was undercharging anyone without kids 15 a head,

So shitty behaviour.

Someone upthread asked what the usual protocol was when we went out for meals. Now I've not been out with all of these particular people at the same time but it's always generally been that we all split the bill by the number of adults, however, now we have 3 children I always try to pay for them separately and then we split the rest of the bill amongst the adults.

Another poster thought there might be some big drip feed to explain my families unreasonable behaviour but there genuinely isn't. My family are usually reasonable and fair. This is why I was questioning myself because they're not usually like this at all. My SF is also a very reasonable and kind man.

I'm seeing my mum tomorrow so maybe she'll shed some more light on what the problem is and why everyone thinks I'm unreasonable for not wanting to subsidise their meals.

You are the last unreasonable person in the world. Can't believe no-one stuck up for you.
I would never eat out with them in a large group again.

Least not last

Omg YNBU at all!!! Disappointing no one stood up for you