A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

Some people just see a meal with others as a chance to pile as much as they can onto the bill and try to get a "bargain" by paying for less than they had I think! They hate getting called out so much.

No you are not take the children out of the total and then split. What if the children weren't there that's how it would have been split anyway.

The thing is that with alcohol people tend to more than one glass. So even if a coke is more than a beer in a certain place it will never be more than several cocktails or several anything

Were your kids definitely invited? Might explain the attitude if you'd inadvertently took your kids to an adult only meal.

Were your kids definitely invited? Might explain the attitude if you'd inadvertently took your kids to an adult only meal.

There was another child there also, the op said

Playmytune

Yup, sounds about right.

Last meal we went to with DHs cousin, he ordered fillet steak, starters, deserts, ordered a steak for his 4 year old! Cocktails galore.

I did get a steak as I like it and don't mind paying more, kids had kids meals and we drank one coke each throughout meal. DH got pizza.

Bill came to over 200 quid and DH cousin wanted to split, oddly enough. We said we would pay for ours (plus tip obviously) and he had a proper hissy fit about it, we were tight bastards etc. When it was split by family, ours came to 40 quid and his to 180. Which is why he wanted to split obviously. Ridiculous and they always try to make out you are the tight one, rather than that you click onto their ridiculousness and don;t want them taking the piss. He started going on about 'calculating meal to the penny' and such, which again was stupid as when presented with our bill which from memory was about 458..we put 60 down. o clearly not calculating to the penny but not willing to pay an extra 60 quid or so just because he had taken the piss hugely.

Funnily enough, he also asked when presented with his bill if we could lend him some cash! So he had purposely gone OTT knowing that he could not afford it, just wanting us to pick up half of his bill.

Such a stupid situation.

which again was stupid as when presented with our bill which from memory was about 458..we put 60 down.

48, now 458. Christ!

We also refused to lend him money, due to a situation where we lent him a few hundred for car tyres and he spent it on a tattoo and we had to chase it for months. He ended up ringing mammy to come and pay his bill! I shit you not.

YANBU at all and I wouldn't pay it either.
I'm going out for a family meal next week. I'm going to ask for our meals to be billed separately because the people we are going with are notoriously tight - until they get the chance to split a bill and then they order everything. So screw them - I'm not subbing them!

No, you were right and the expensive meal eater* was taking the piss. Shame nobody backed you up. They spoiled the occasion by behaving like this and everyone else was too cowardly to call them out, thus enabling their behaviour. I'd avoid this sort of set-up in future if I were you. They don't deserve you.

And how absolutely damn typical of the eme* to pick the bill up and suggest the amount to be paid.

god it just makes me so angry that its the people paying for what they actually ordered that get called tight.

Trying to get someone else to pay for your meal is tight!

SO glad you don't let him rip the piss out of you, Vixxy.

Hurray, Play. Your brother and SILs are CFers.

We rarely attend these sorts of meals as someone always takes the piss and we can't afford to sub them.

But seriously, a stepfather wanting everyone to pay to celebrate his retirement? That would have set off my grabby CFer radar and I'd have declined. Hope next time you just say no to these types of things. Unless it's separate bills there will always be people who use it as an opportunity to screw other people.

Celebrating your retirement is perfectly OK.

Celebrating your retirement is perfectly OK.

And expecting your adult children to pay for that really strikes me as taking the proverbial one.

This is why I always pay for my own food.

Playmytune,how crazy that someone would prtest to paying what they actually had and ordered and say it's not fair!!!

In saying it's not fair shows he knew exactly what he was doing, palming off his bill on you.

Well done for standing up and making him pay for his own greed!

My blood is boiling hearing all these stories of people who think they’re entitled to kick off when someone asks to merely pay for what they’ve actually consumed. Yes, there’s an extreme where people quibble over 20p (I’ve actually had that one happen!) and yes that’s obviously silly, but that is a whole world apart from asking someone to pay an extra £100 for your own food! I cannot believe how many people seemingly try to conflate the two so that they can shame you for being ‘tight’.

My friend recently went for a pizza with some people she’d just finished doing a course with, so not people who she knew very well. She is on a really tight weekly budget and also very shy with new people. She ordered really carefully to suit her budget (and didn’t drink) while some of the others ordered mountains of side dishes and bottles of wine. Then when the bill came and someone inevitably suggested splitting, she quietly asked if she could just pay her share only to have some obnoxious twat loudly cut her off saying ‘oh god, you’re not one of those are you, it’s just so annoying when people do that!’

She was so mortified that she just agreed and ended up paying £40 for a small marguerita pizza, which was all her money for the week. Who the fuck thinks it’s ok to demand that their meal be subsidised by someone they don’t even know, with no idea what that person’s finances might be?

YADNBU. And it was a nice suggestion of your DHs for the group to pay a share of your SFs meal.

Perhaps CF SB thought it included him!

I've had this previously. A friend knew money was tight plus I'd been ill and couldn't eat much. Whilst visiting her we went out for a meal with her and her friends, so 8 of us all together. I had a starter and tap water as I wasn't feeling great. My actual food and drink came to around £7. When the bill came through the other 7 had been drinking a lot, 3 courses each, etc and wanted to split it evenly. My share came to £50. I didn't actually have enough so I had to say: "Look, I'm sorry but I've only had a starter and water I'm not able to pay 40 odd quid more than what I ordered", but it was highly embarrassing for me, and caused massive issues with said friend as I'd 'shown her up'.

It's fine if everyone is eating and drinking roughly the same, but otherwise it's a shit idea.

And expecting your adult children to pay for that really strikes me as taking the proverbial one.

Nowhere does it say SF expected people to pay for him? Sorry if I've missed it.

Isn't it perfectly within the realms of normal for everyone to offer to cover the celebratee - whether it's birthday, new job, promotion, hen do dinner, retirement?

lisasimpsonssaxophone, yeah, that's what these people were like when I dared to mention it.
They made me feel like shit and about an inch tall.
I only had about £15 in my purse at the time (& no cards). They all had high paid jobs, whereas I was a unpaid carer. I was gutted that my friend didn't stand up for me.

Howdoidothis4eva

It's so strange, I'd be mortified and embarrassed the other way. If I was someone who was eating and drinking and expecting someone who couldn't to foot my bill. I'd be embarrassed to be with people who wouldn't think it the fair thing to do to say you only had to pay for the small amount you ate.

I often do eat more than other people at the table, because I’ve always had a bigger appetite than many of my friends and if I’m out for dinner I want to enjoy it, not feel hungry after picking at a small starter all evening. Plus I like to get wine. So as soon as the bill comes I always say ‘mine was more expensive, I need to put in more’ and usually pay a bit more than my actual share just to make sure people don’t think I’m taking the piss. All this assumes I’ve just been paid and can comfortably cover the cost of my slap-up meal, of course!

But sometimes I’ll be feeling skint and have to adjust my order accordingly, and then I hate it if people don’t think along the same lines as I would in that situation.

I think you should ring your mother back and tell her you are really upset and since she's seen fit to bad mouth you to anyone who'd listen, you expect her to call back everyone she's been bitching to and put the record straight.

@lisasimpsonssaxophone

Everyone I know is like you, you would only offer to split the bill if yours was the cheapest or everyone had about the same. Whoever's is obviously more expensive always automatically puts in more.

The only exception I know is one friend who has no concept of money. Her parents would pay for everything even into her twenties so she'd order the most expensive meal (she once had a meal for two just for her) and just say "oh whatever let's split it" not because she was tying to be cheap but because the money meant nothing to her and it didn't occur to her other people actually had to work and save up their money.