A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

The kids should not have been included in the per person bill and the cost of their food just absorbed by the adults. Your SF son was being a twat. Has he told everyone the correct story? because its really odd that your family are against you on this.

Yes it’s really not usual to include the kids in the split. Especially when their meals are £8 each. I’d clarify with your mum. If people are having a go I would respond ‘I was more than happy to split the cost of adult meals, kids meals only £8 each so didn’t think paying £40 per kid was fair. ‘

If the other members of the family think you were wrong then why didn’t they say so at the time?

Perhaps they would like to pay more for their meals than what they had ordered, unfortunately their’s always one cf, in fact I would say two things its a retirement family meal not a big birthday celebration and secondly as he is your step father I would of thought it would of been a nice gesture of his son to of paid more towards the meal if not all of it.

Stand your ground, hopefully he won’t try it again and if he does put him in his place and tell him he’s a cf.

I hope all is ok with your Mum and SF - I can't imagine they'd be cross. The others were being totally unreasonable

And if your SF/mum are upset and think you should have just paid to “keep the peace” ask why your step brother should have just paid for what he actually had “to keep the peace” instead of trying to make you pay for his food/drinks.

If they say something like “you know what he’s like” then say “yes, we all do so I’m not willing to take the blame for his selfishness.”

I always split the bill - but in this case YANBU. You were right to split adult meals but not for the kids to be included in this.

You are 100% reasonable, OP. Anyone expecting you to pay £120 for your three children's meals, coming in at £24 including drinks, is an asshat

It sounds like your family is catering to the Cheeky FUcker's son for some bizarre reason. Don't be guilted. THey were wrong,not you.

The bill splitter was being a cheeky tight fucker. You called him out on it and he's attacked you as his line of defence. I would absolutely fight back and tell everyone this and how you felt bullied. I can guarantee people don't know the whole story. I wouldn't even feel remotely bad.

Well done OP. I think you were brave and right to say something, because asking £40 per child (when it inly cost £8!) was completely unreasonable. We have always split the bill many times and once someone ordered the most expensive meal, accompanied by brandies. I wished that I had told her to pay extra towards it as we all had soft drinks! If anyone raises it with you just ask them, "would you have been happy to pay £40 for a £8 dinner?"

YANBU!!! I can't believe the CF of your family, this is outrageous.

Before you see your mum tomorrow, go to the restaurant's website, get the menu and add up the cost of your meal, your DH's meal and your selfish bastard step brother's meal and have them listed out and then ask her why she thinks it is fair for you to pay over the odds for your children in order to subsidise step brother's expensive dinner order along with everybody else's meals and drinks. Wtf are they thinking?!

In future, tell the waiting staff that you will pay for your family's meal separately.

I would also spell it out to everybody else who has an opinion on this so your sister, aunt, etc.

YANBU! The kids food should have been absorbed into the total, so if there were twelve adults and four kids, just divide the total cost by 12 adults. That would be fair to you having the £24 cost to pay but offset by paying extra for the guy/gal who ordered expensive food/drink.

YANBU

YANBU. So what happened in the end? Did you pay £24 for kids meals then the rest was split and the other DC had to pay £40-something?

It is almost invariably the person who stands to financially profit most from something like this who suggests splitting the bill evenly.

I would have said exactly the same as you - I wasn't going to pay four times the cost of my Kids' meals in order to subsidise someone else's dinner - not when they were being a greedy sod, anyway.

I've spoken up both on my own behalf and on other people's in these situations. If a meal cost is going to be evenly split, then this should be agreed beforehand, not after everything has been eaten.

I don't do this anyway except with close friends when we all know that it's all going to even out over the course of however-long; I wouldn't expect some comparative stranger to subsidise my dinner and I don;'t expect to subsidise theirs.

You did right - if people are too "snowflakey" to accept it, that is their problem, not yours.

OP you are definitely NBU.

From my family experience what some posters are calling quibbling over the bill/being tight, I've found that if you give people an inch they take a mile. You get taken advantage of while some people get used to eating out at others expense and are often the same people who are always last to the bar and only offer to get their round in when everyone has clearly had plenty.

If we've all had similar to eat/drink and it's just a few quid here and there then it's easy to split. Otherwise I'm happy to be the person to suggest we pay for what we've had. If others think that's tight, fine, don't eat out with me again .

PS I'll happily tell those CFs they're CFs for you if you like!

YWNBU at all-look ford to hearing what your mum thinks tmrw

YANBU at all. A friend of DH's has form for this and he's a serious CF. A few years ago 6 of us ( 3 couples) were out one night. We all had starters, mains and afters which cost roughly the same so that was fine. DH doesn't drink. One of the other guys is a recovering alcoholic so doesn't drink, I was on antibiotics for a kidney infection so wasn't drinking and the guy who's a recovering alcoholic's wife was pregnant.
This meant that the only people drinking were CF and his wife who got through 2 bottles of (expensive) wine, a couple of cocktails each and brandies afterwards.

When the bill came and CF wanted to split it between the 6 of us, other man (not DH) said that wasn't really fair as none of the 4 of us had been drinking whereupon CF kicked off and had a toddler like tantrum because he expected everyone else to pay for his alcohol consumption! His wife ended up paying for all the alcohol consumed and was mortified at his behaviour.

The 4 of us who weren't drinking (that night in the case of the ladies) have been out together since, but have never asked CF couple to join us again. I feel a bit sorry for his wife, but would never go out with him again. It wasn't the first time he'd done it either, just the first time he'd been challenged.

Normally I just support splitting the bill and cringe when people get calculators out but in this case you are not being unreasonable. DC's bill should have been taken off and paid separately.

It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group.

At this point I'd have asked for an itemised bill and only paid for exactly what we'd had.

no way i would have paid that amount YANBU

You were restrained. I would have pointed out that the son should put in more since he had expensive main, sides and drink.

Of course you ruined it for them, you refused to subsidise their evening out!

YADNBU

You say it was to celebrate his retirement was the meal a treat for everyone and splitting the bill was to cover his costs aaa treat? That’s the only way I could see why the family might be upset with you.

Of course YWNBU. There were four children though, how did the parent of the other one feel about it?

Btw, well done for getting hardened MNers to agree that not everyone who refuses to split the bill is a tight bastard.

The people who are upset about this are the sf and his grown up children ie the cheeky freeloading pisstakers who were expecting to dine on lobster and someone else to pick up the majority of the tab.
They are upset because they have been called out on it. My guess is that they do this on a regular basis and get away with it because no one stands up to them
Well done op, don’t feel bad.