A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

Argumentative relative was the rude one who spoiled it by trying to get everyone else to subsidise their choices. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

Just wondering if it was your SF who had the most?

YADNBU. CFs.

Ugh. I hate it when people expect others to subsidise them. Cheap and tight.

Surely the children's bills should have been calculated separately. And the alcohol!

When we split the bill its always been per adult. Usually family and friends dont mind covering the cost of the kids between them. Having said that we usually buy drinks from the bar to avoid the whole who drunk and who didn't arguments

YANBU. I absolutely hate this. It's always the person thats a fat pig ordered the most that splits it like this aswell. Cheeky fuckers.

You were definitely not unreasonable.
Regardless of being able to afford it or not, for them to try and make you pay £120 for 3 child's meals was being unreasonable.
You didn't ruin the evening, the person who decided to split the bill evenly including the children ruined the evening.

YADNBU. And I'd push back on family that are saying you "ruined" it too - tell them the evening was ruined the moment the man in question tried to palm his excesses off on 3 children.

I fall out with people that jip about a split bill but in this instance yanbu

Did the other people who had a child there not comment? Did they happily pay the split bill once the £24 for your kids was removed?

Fuck that. YADNBU.

Take off kid's meals, split the remainder. Parents pay for 2 adults and their share of kids meals.

And yes to buying drinks separately at the bar. Saves a lot of hassle

And who on earth is co reacting you to say this?

Just reply bluntly- my kids each had an £8 meal and you wanted me to pay £40 each for them in the interests of being fair to the adults?

I’d have done the same as you - paid for my children’s separately and split the remainder between the adults. But if I was being insulted like you were, I’d have asked for a separate bill for my family and only paid that - cheeky buggers!

No it was SF's son who had the most and who split the bill like that.

Thank god you all agree with me. My sister, my step-sil and my auntie have all mentioned it to me and made me feel utterly unreasonable. My auntie wasn't even there but had heard about it through someone else.

I've told them how unfair it was but I guess they all wanted a cheaper meal at our expense.

YADNBU this sort of crap goes on with my sister as well. Once before getting married and having kids me, my Mum and sister went on holiday together. I was saving up to get married and had very little money. On the last night I had an omelette and water for my dinner it was the cheapest thing on the menu and came to 8euros. My Mum also has something cheap. My sister had 3 courses including a steak dinner and cocktails. The bill for her food and drinks alone came to nearly 70 euros. She expected us to split the bill and when I said no way she told me I’d ruined the holiday. Some people are just arses. I still try and avoid going out to meals where she’s going to be there now as she’s still a CF and tries this on regularly

I cant believe they think you were unreasonable. You were totally right in what you said. Kids meals were £8 no rationally thinking person would think rounding that up to £40 was acceptable

It should have either been take the kids meals off so roughly £51 per adult or just divide it between the adults at 54 each

How on Earth your family think that is reasonable is madness. That is expecting you to pay a mark up of 500%

YADNBU.

Experience of exactly this kind of thing means that I always clarify first how the bill will be split when it is a group meal out.

I have no problem sharing the cost of someone whose had an extra glass of wine or a pudding when no one else did, that kind of thing but if there are children involved, or if someone is leaving early or there is one person not drinking at all and everyone else is on it, then it is only fair to take this into consideration.

Utterly ridiculous to say you ruined anything - what bullshit!

My sister, my step-sil and my auntie have all mentioned it to me and made me feel utterly unreasonable

They are crazy. I can't believe anyone would think that the kids' £8 meals should be included in the total bill splitting. I'm shocked no one else stood up for you! If I was there without kids, I would never have agreed to this way of splitting it, I'd have felt awful paying less because you've had to pay way more.

Definitely say no it wasn't you who spoiled things it was the cf who wanted to split the bill like that. I'd also be careful about who I ate out with in future as they don't sound that pleasant (sorry I know it's family)

I don't normally quibble who's had what as it takes the edge off a good evening. But that's pretty unfair to suggest you pay all that for your children. Next time I would suggest paying separately for the children, then splitting the adults evenly and paying that part of it as well.

Yeah of course they're all moaning because you were supposed to subsidise their dinners! Cheeky fuckers.

What did your DH think of the situation once he found out about what had happened?

OMG YADNBU what a bunch of CFs and spineless twats!