A splitting the bill AIBU

[JamHolyMoly]

We recently went out for dinner to celebrate my step-father's retirement. There were 11 adults and 4 children. The adults, bar one, had 3 courses. Most had at least one alcoholic drink, some only had soft drinks. Money wise, most people consumed roughly the same amount of food and drink except for one person who had the most expensive dish on the menu (double the cost of everyone else's). This person also had a number of very expensive drinks as well as a couple of extra side dishes. The children all had the kids menu food which was £8 for 3 courses. They all drank water.

At the end of the meal, the guest who had the most expensive meal got the bill and told everyone that it would be £40 a head, and included the children in this. We have 3 children so by his working out of the bill we owed £200 for me, dh and our 3 children.

FYI I am not someone who ever argues about the bill and I'm always happy to split the bill evenly amongst all adults present. I don't think I have ever refused to pay an evenly split bill so I don't have form for this.

Anyway, I immediately said that DH and I weren't going to be paying £120 for our three children's meals seeing as their 3 courses totalled £24. It then became really awkward as the person who had split the bill up started getting arsey with me and made a number of rude comments implying I was being tight and basically tried to embarrass me in front of the group. I kept my cool and didn't bite back. Everyone else went very quiet and refused to be drawn into it. My dh was chatting to an acquaintance at another table at the time so he didn't even know what was going on and wasn't there to back me up. It put a dampener on the entire occasion and it's left me feeling very upset that no one spoke up to say "hey that's not fair to expect Jam and dh to pay £120 for £24 food".

In the past I have always stood up for people when they've had one course and a soft drink but been asked to pay an evenly split bill which covered alcohol and numerous course, and would never expect someone to pay for my meal if I had had considerably more than them. I told the person to remove the £24 we owed for the kids from the total bill and then we were happy to split the remaining amount amongst all adults and add the £24 onto the amount we personally owed. I didn't expect anyone to pay for our children's meals but likewise I didn't expect for us to be covering everyone else's expensive food options and alcohol consumption through our children.

Anyway, a couple of family members have since contacted me to say that I ruined the occasion and have upset SF and his (adult) children.

I honestly don't believe I was unfair to refuse to pay £120 for my children's meals but at the same time a number of people in the family disagree and think I was being very unfair. I don't understand their mindset or how they can justify this so maybe I ABU? What do you all think? Should I just have sucked it up and paid the entire £200?

I generally don't like nit picking over the bill - but in this case you are not nit picking and are perfectly justified. I am astonished that members of your family think otherwise

I feel so much better now. I've been horrible about this for days. My SF hasn't said anything to me about it and not has my mum but I guess it has been discussed by them seeing as it's filtered back to me that everyone's upset.

The parent of the other child being charged £40 for their meal didn't say anything either during the exchange about the bill or after the meal so I'm not sure how they felt about it. I don't know this person very well.

I can’t believe they would think you were in any way U!

If it’s mentioned again, tell them to fork out an extra £40 next time!

Oh I just read your post again and saw that's exactly what you did do. That was spot on what I would have done. The others are being very unfair and melodramatic about it!

I'm astonished that people contacted you subsequently to berate you.
Who in their right mind would think that was acceptable for you to pay that much. In my mind that's almost worse than the cf who was chancing it initially.

Fark me! YADNBU! Cheeky, cheeky fuckers!

I sucked it up when my husband insisted on splitting the cost of his mum's meal for her birthday, when I had already been on a salad and soft drinks, so was £££ less than the 'equal' split.

But yes. It always makes me laugh when people call 'tight' and 'cheap' when refusing to pay for their own meals.

DH 100% agrees with me and had a disagreement with my sister about it. He's annoyed that he hadn't got a clue what was going on until after it was all over.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I can’t believe anyone would think this was ok-I actually wouldn’t be going out with them again.

I feel like a weight has lifted now I've posted. My family aren't usually unreasonable so I'm confused why they're being like this with me about it. I'm also irritated by my auntie who wasn't even there.

My SF's son is a very arrogant man. I've never particularly liked him but then I only see him ever so often so it's not like I have to tolerate him much. Guess who I won't be going out for dinner with in the future?

How the fuck can you include children in the calculation. For it to have been no quibble should have included the kids food and just spit it amongst the adults. If you compare the kids food cost to a bottle of wine it hardly makes any difference on the actual cost x

Your stepbrother is an arsehole. It sounds to me as though your sister / sil / auntie think males are superior and no man should be upset.

Two options, either contact your sf directly and apologise that he was upset. Somehow get across you were happy to subsidise his ds, whose meal came to double yours but not to subsidise the whole dinner party. That could honestly open a big can of worms and probably best avoided or you ignore the flying monkeys.

YANBU. I'm quite sure the people having a go at you wouldn't have been keen on paying almost £100 more than was due from them. Why on earth should you subsidise their meals?

I hate situations like this and would have definitely been the one to back you up and say, hang on, you can't split a bill like that with children's meals/no alcohol. No way should you be expected to pay the £120. I can't see how anyone would think this reasonable. Very odd behaviour.

I went out recently with a group and they had about 12 bottles of expensive wine between about 10 of us. Came to the bill and it was from memory about £55 each split down the middle. My food and water came to £25 - I didn't say anything because I feel a bit tight but thankfully someone else at the table said no way should I pay the same as I had not been drinking. One of my (pissed) friends tried to say nah we'll split it and treat Cosmos another time (she would have forgotten) but thankfully he stood firm on my behalf and insisted they rework the bill without me overpaying. I must admit I was very grateful as I was driving as well so saved a few of them a return taxi fare.

I so can’t believe that your family are telling you that you are in the wrong here, that I’m wondering if you’ve missed out a HUGE part of the story?

If anyone mentioned it again I’d reply “I’m sorry you’re so cheap you expected me to sub your dinner to the tune of £120 quid. Perhaps you should make sure you can afford to pay for what you’ve eaten before you order in future”.

Can you work out how much CF's meal actually cost (thereabouts)? That way you can drop it into conversation with anyone who thinks you were the ones who ruined the evening...

"Why would X insist on us paying £40 a head for our kids' £8 meals when his meal and drinks actually cost £90 (or whatever)? He was hoping we'd pay for his dinner! How does that make us the unreasonable ones?!"

Cross post. Just seen your sf is an arrogant man. Thought as much. Hence my comment.

YANBU. The normal reaction of the person splitting the bill would be to say "Oh, I didn't realise the childrens' meals were so cheap, ok let's take off £32 to be paid by the parents and then split it between the adults." The person getting particularly expensive stuff should usually say something like "I had the lobster and champagne, so I'll chip in an extra £50 before you split the bill."

I really hate it when people quibble over a bill like this, but I'm with you all the way OP. Children are a special case and so you should either do what you did or you ignore them when splitting the bill and simply divide the whole bill among the adults present. You didn't embarrass them. They embarrassed themselves. At least you know to avoid family meals out with them in the future.

And I'd push back on family that are saying you "ruined" it too - tell them the evening was ruined the moment the man in question tried to palm his excesses off on 3 children.

This!

Personally this is also why we decline such 'celebrations' as they usually involve a CF pisstaker or two who spies an opportunity to go for broke and everyone else's expense with 'let's just split it'.

Of course the man is question is pissed off, he didn't get his meal subsidised.

Twat! I would send the message posted and not give it a second thought.

Why would X insist on us paying £40 a head for our kids' £8 meals when his meal and drinks actually cost £90 (or whatever)? He was hoping we'd pay for his dinner! How does that make us the unreasonable ones?!"

Exactly. Say this!

Of course no one said anything, there were 4 kids in attendance and 3 of them were yours!! They were obviously happy to push their extras on to your bill. CFs the lot of them, I hope you never have to go out with them again. If you were in my restaurant I would have split off your families bill and discretely presented it to you.

I would have done the same OP

Is SF step father?

Have you been out to a restaurant with them all before? What’s the usual deal if so?

Ugh I hate situations like these! People who do this know that it’s awkward to make a fuss and you’ll be blamed for being difficult or embarrassing for raising it, so they count on you just sucking it up.

It’s bad enough when they insist on an equal spilt when it’s grossly unfair, but counting in the kids as well is just ridiculous.

I’d have probably said “happy to spilt it but let’s just do the kids separately as they had much less” then proceeded to calculate it on that basis, staring hard at the calculator on my phone to block out any argument.

You were in the right. And this man was a total arse.