AIBU: Teenage friend put on the sex offenders list for 'pantsing' someone at school

[Neonata]

Last week one of my 15YO DS's closest friends pulled a classmate's gym shorts down in the changing rooms as a prank and unfortunately his pants also came down and he was momentarily exposed. The boy then escalated this and the friend has now been isolated for a day, then excluded for a day and also put on the sex offenders list!!

AIBU to think this is a massive over reaction by the school?? He is a lovely boy who is usually really well behaved and generally high achieving academically.

I'm wondering that this will demonise him so much that he will start thinking he is actually a bad person and it will be enough to send him down the wrong path.

@Neonata - I cannot understand how any half-decent individual can excuse this sort of bullying behaviour. You show more concern for the perpetrator than you do for the victim.

And when just ONE person posts an account of someone suffering as a result of their own bad behaviour, you are right there, overflowing with sympathy. But where is the sympathy for the real victims of this nasty prank - people like my son? You don’t seem to care a bit about them.

And I don't buy that ANYONE ever was arrested, charged, convicted and made to sign the sex offenders register for anything other than a sex crime. Not mooning, not "pantsing" (called de-bagging in my day), not having a piss in a bush, THAS WHAT THEY ARE TELLING YOU BECAUSE THEY DONT WANT YOU TO KNOW THEYRE A SEX OFFENDER. Wake up FFS.

“I'd rather not approach the parents to get the full story as they are friends, but not people we see all the time, so I didn't want to embarrass them. “

Oh the irony of not wanting to privately and sensitively "embarrass" the parents of a bully, who has publicly embarrassed one of his peers in a derogatory way.

Surely if you accept that asking the parents about it would be embarrassing for them, you must also appreciate that their son's behaviour was bang out of order?

At my school, 'debagging' is taken extremely seriously and we have to complete a sexual incident form. It's assault.
I'm amazed some people actually think it's funny and acceptable.

@Neonata
In order to sign the sex offenders register he needs to be convicted which takes way longer than a week plus adolescents under 16 are only rarely put on Sex offenders register.
Either your friend is lying or someone else is...

@Aquilla I'm going to assume that if someone pulled your pants down at work in front of your colleagues you'd find it hilarious and roll about laughing?

@MichaelMumsnet

Hi all, and thanks for the reports about this thread. Just dropping by to add that we've had a look behind the scenes, and can't find anything to suggest that the OP isn't genuine.
She might be genuine but she’s definitely ill informed.

I have do actually know someone whose son got themselves in a similar situation, so not unbelievable.

'What universe do you live in that you don't find this ancient prank fucking hilarious?*

Erm. One where I hope children can get changed without fear of their genitals being exposed for others to laugh at.

I am so glad the boy escalated this and that your sons 'lovely' and 'nice' friend will think twice before being such a twat.

@Neonata

No he is not my DS (says wearily), but a very close friend of his who (IMO) is a kind and quite gentle person.
A kind and gentle boy who has sexually humiliated a classmate.
Really?
OP if that’s your definition of kind and gentle so glad my children are not around your “DS”

dread to think what sort of judgement my DS's friend may go on to experience if he does indeed stay on a sex offenders register for doing what he did

Hes not on a sex offenders register.

No he is not my DS (says wearily), but a very close friend of his who (IMO) is a kind and quite gentle person

Kind and gentle people don't pull down someone's clothes and humiliate them. They don't.

What universe do you live in that you don't find this ancient prank fucking hilarious

I think the question is what universe do you live in where humiliating someone and exposing their genitals to others is fucking hilarious.

Why have you brought this up with your son so much when neither one of you are involved??

Honestly it sounds like whoever your son spoke to is exaggerating. Unless this boy was convicted in a court of law he cannot be added to any sex offender register likewise neither can the kid with the camera. Innocent until proven guilty in a Court of Law applies and a school cannot over ride this regardless of what stories you are being told. I assume the register that they are on is a poor behaviour register in school.

You and your son both need stop discussing this among yourselves and certainly do not discuss it with anyone else. Saying someone is on the sex offender register when they are not can have a huge impact on them/their family/their future/theor safety and could leave you and your son open to legal cases for slander

Troll troll troll, or just incredibly dense OP??

He is a lovely boy

No he isn't. It is not possible to be a prankster and a "lovely boy". Pranksters are arseholes, without exception. Other kids shouldn't have to share a changing room with this person until there's some evidence that he has learned how to behave properly.

But no, he isn't on the "sex offenders' list". To be on the Violent & Sexual Offenders' Register (ViSOR) he would have had to be convicted or cautioned for a sexual offence. As you made no mention of the police being involved, this didn't happen. To be on the Children's Barred List he would have had to go through a formal referral process that would take several weeks and would have approximately zero chance of being completed for this incident.

It might be worth taking stuff teenaged boys tell you with a small pinch of salt.

Similar thing ‘happened’ in my daughters school. A young girl sent a revealing photo to her bf. He passed it on and obv went right round. Anyone who had the photo on their phone was in trouble and spoken to by the police (obv classes as child porn) I’m sure my daughter said they were ‘all on the sex offenders list’ but teen stuff isn’t exactly reliable.

All that will have happened is a PCSO who is attached to the school will have visited and spoken to the kids who were known to have shared the image. They will have been advised that by sharing the photo they are technically commiting an offence (distributing indecent images of children) which in theory could lead to someone being placed on the SOR as part of their sentence if convicted. They won't actually have been charged, convicted and placed on the SOR though and neither will the boy in OP's story have been. It is extremely rare for under 16's to be placed on the register. Children of this age who engage in sexually inappropriate behaviour are more likely to be supported by other agencies such as Children's services or mental health services.

Am I the only one who assumed Aquilla was being sarcastic?

Innocent until proven guilty in a Court of Law applies and a school cannot over ride this regardless of what stories you are being told.

This isn't entirely correct. For example, a school could refer a suspended member of staff for inclusion on the Children's Barred List without his/her having to be convicted. The standard of evidence required to convict is very high and there are people about whom there may be sufficient levels of concern to want them barred from working with children regardless of whether they have been convicted of an offence. This was set up specifically to prevent people like Ian Huntley from working in close contact with children. Someone's inclusion on the list can only be revealed through an enhanced-level Disclosure & Barring Service (DBS) process, which anyone applying for a role (employment or voluntary) with children or vulnerable adults has to go through.

www.gov.uk/government/collections/dbs-referrals-guidance--2

But no, this teenaged boy isn't on any kind of sex-offenders' register.

experience if he does indeed stay on a sex offenders register for doing what he did.

He isn't on the sex offenders register.

mcmooberry I am sorry your friend killed himself. But he exposed himself to 'girl's, your use of 'girl's indicates they were quite young. What was his intention? Did he do it to make them laugh? It's not funny.

Likely those girls found themseleves upset or intimidated. They are unlikely to have enjoyed seeing it. AND it will have taken more than a week to put him on the SOR. So no, this isn't the same and nobit didn't happen to the ops son's friend.

And no, people who want to humiliate other people are not kind and gentle.

mcmooberry also there's a good chance there are details you don't know. Such as a pattern of behaviour that landed your friend on the SOR.

mcmooberry It is extremely likely that your husband's friend did not tell the full or truthful story. Very few sexual offenders on SOR are open and truthful about the full extent of their behaviour and tend to portray it as an innocent prank/accidental exposure etc. There is quite rightly a massive social stigma and I'd take that story with a massive pinch of salt and would assume there is a lot more to it.

Bet you’re glad you posted this op!!

I know what you’re saying...... he’s a nice boy who got carried away / wasn't meaning to hurt or sexually abuse anyone.

I have no reason not to trust your judgement, you know him after all. I think just take from it that he’ll learn this lesson and not make any silly mistakes again. Same goes for if you’ve got him all wrong and he is a bully boy.

I know a boy who had this happen to him at school. Made me cry talking to him. He felt like such a fool, just humiliated. Poor thing.

Maybe your sons friend made his boy feel like that, even unintentionally. I hope it all works out.

@TeddybearBaby - do you really think it is the mark of a ‘nice’ person, that they sexually humiliate another person? Don’t you think an intelligent person should know how much upset they would cause by doing this?

This happened to my son, when he was only 12, at a new school, and it beggars belief that anyone can minimise this nasty act as just a mistake. Save your understanding and sympathy for the victims, please.

I know what you’re saying...... he’s a nice boy who got carried away / wasn't meaning to hurt or sexually abuse anyone.

You understand that?

So what was his intention?