Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

365 replies

FrankiesMum78 · 10/02/2019 22:45

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
Interceptor999 · 11/02/2019 03:30

Grow up OP! Your an adult who sounds very needy tbh!

Elephantshoe · 11/02/2019 03:38

Oh buggering bollocks... my auto correct went awfully racist and political Hmm

zeroSum · 11/02/2019 03:44

He didn't abandon you. He was already out.

You didn't ask him to come home but you're annoyed he couldn't read your mind. Calling "don't be too late" an "SOS text" is absurd.

YABVU

PinkPaperCrown · 11/02/2019 04:06

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks

Clearly not Hmm

Biscuit
AgentJohnson · 11/02/2019 04:22

but as I said in my original post, for me to send a text like that is very unusual and should set alarm bells ringing as it is not a normal thing for us.

But it didn’t set off alarm bells with him. He either didn’t care or didn’t understand. If he didn’t care than you have greater problems but if he didn’t understand, then you really need to have a critical look at your communication style.

I don’t really understand why you chose not to be explicit about the support you needed. Instead you’ve relied upon his obvious lack of Miss Marple skills of deduction. It’s interesting that you’re not backwards in coming forwards with your feelings on MN but with your partner, you’re vague to the point of your true feelings being undetectable. I suspect that your communication style is wrapped up in a relationship dynamic that doesn’t really work for you but you’re unwilling or unclear about changing.

Expectations have a greater chance of being met when they are clearly communicated.

LotsToThinkOf · 11/02/2019 04:25

You were deliberately vague with your DH because you know it wasn't a real trauma. The same reason you're being deliberately vague with us. You decided he needed to be home and therefore came up with a reason to make him do so.

If it was that bad you'd have phoned him straight away before he had chance to drink more, you'd have told him what had gone on and he'd have come home.

Instead you sent him a vague message to make him focus on you, but it didn't work. The fact it didn't work implies that you do this regularly when he gets to go out.

If you want honesty then you need to give the full story, otherwise you sound like it was a failed attempt at attention seeking and you want to be annoyed with him.

AIBU is a notoriously harsh place because it's where people come for a reality check.

Shoxfordian · 11/02/2019 05:02

If I texted my dh when he was out and said I was upset then he'd call me to see what was going on. I don't think the op is unreasonable to be annoyed with her partner. It is unreasonable though to only give half the story and expect us to take your side.

Oddcat · 11/02/2019 05:39

If it was such a trauma to you that you needed emotional support, surely a phone call would have been better. The text message you sent wouldn't seem particularly urgent to me .

emzw12 · 11/02/2019 05:43

If I was that distraught I probably wouldn't have had the capacity to put a vague post on social media about it.

PietariKontio · 11/02/2019 06:27

Stuff I've picked up from this:
You said "don't be late", he wasn't, he was home at the usual time
You said" don't be too drunk", he was, but it's tricky working that out when you're already tipsy

It's clearly an ambiguous text, what you wanted is him home earlier than usual and pretty much sober, but you didn't say that.

It would have been better to have texted, "something's happened, please ring/text me", then you could have been clearer when he replied.

Yeah it's fine not to want to share the details, but equally you must see that it appears you're being economical with the truth. Now you may not care what we think, but that's irrelevant to whether we think and will directly affect how we view your posts.

Aridane · 11/02/2019 06:31

OP - don't let this put you off posting on mumsnet. Just don't ever start a thread on AIBU.

Since his return, has DH been able to give you the support you need?

Nomdejeur · 11/02/2019 06:34

On your first post you say he hasn’t been out in a while, in the second you said he goes quite frequently. Which is it?
If I sent my OH this text he would probably phone me or ask me what’s wrong as I never ever text him like that. The fact your OH didn’t means you were either too vague so he doesn’t realise the seriousness of it, b) doesn’t care or c) you do this quite often and he was ignoring it. Why do you think he didn’t reply?
As for the trauma? If it was that bad why didn’t you phone him. If a close relative died then I can understand. Anything else I don’t think I’d ask him home.

OddBoots · 11/02/2019 06:37

The trouble is that texts can go unheard or misunderstood.

When I have been in something similar to your situation I'd message DH and ask him to give me a call when he gets a few minutes. He'd usually call within half an hour, if he hadn't I'd send another message and if he still hadn't called I'd phone him about an hour after the first message.

Once we are on the phone I can tell him what has happened and we'd make a plan together as to what to do, that way we'd both know what to expect.

That said, if my DH had got the text you sent he would have called anyway and likewise if he had sent that to me I would have called him.

Norma27 · 11/02/2019 06:40

A few weeks ago my husband was out for the afternoon/evening. I knew it would be a late one and he would get very drunk due to the reason for the night out.
About 7pm I got a phone call telling me my stepdad of 40 plus years had been knocked down and killed. I was distraught and did call my husband to tell him. I wanted him to stay out though as I felt what he was out for was important too.

Oysterbabe · 11/02/2019 06:43

It all seems a bit attention seeking to me.

Therighthonourable · 11/02/2019 07:04

My opinion - one that I declare is honest. Is that in real life I feel the people around you most likely agree with whatever your opinion is. Maybe they do that because you are 9/10 right. Maybe they do that for an easier life. Or maybe they do that because you are very sensitive by nature and would not take well to someone disagreeing with your POV.

But that's the beauty of Mumsnet. All these POV's are honest ( which you clearly like to dismay). The difference being is that these people don't know you personally so they don't have to walk on eggshells, or agree with your every word.

You are so quick to discount any opinion that doesn't agree with yours - this makes you sound unreasonable, hard work and a lot of drama.

londonrach · 11/02/2019 07:12

Depends on what the news was..if someone died yes... anything else...depends

saoirse31 · 11/02/2019 07:22

Can you really not see op, that if you don't provide some information as to what happened, then it's impossible to know who, if anyone was being unreasonable?.

Also, saying anyone who knows you would know fact you texted was out of character, a big deal etc, well, I know a few people who'd say exactly the same despite fact that they constantly demand attention for trivia. Not saying that's you, but no one can know without some context

grumiosmum · 11/02/2019 07:24

I came for honest, respectful opinion and advice.

OP, this was your mistake. Mumsnet nowadays is a bullying bitch-fest where loads of posters like to pile in where they see an opportunity to make you feel even worse.

Obvs there are a few decent exceptions.

I've been on MN for over 10 years and am shocked on a daily basis now at some of the scornful disdain shown on here by women for other women.

Seniorschoolmum · 11/02/2019 07:40

To be honest unless it’s life or death news about a close family member, it could wait. And if it was that serious, you should have told him straight out and asked him to come home straight away.

Yutes · 11/02/2019 07:42

Tbf to your DP - he didn’t know you’d also held out for an hour before whatever it was became too much for you to bear on your own.

We don’t know you. He does. He should’ve rang you once he’d read the message, which presumably was out of character for you. But if he had already been drinking, he is also not a mind reader.

YANBU to expect him to come home.
YABU to expect him to know what you meant from a vague message.

But YABU to expect strangers on the internet to be nice to you. Anything where anyone is anonymous is often disingenuous

Coppermine · 11/02/2019 07:42

If this happened Saturday night then presumably you were able to have a conversation with DP on Sunday once he was awake and sober.

Given you posted late Sunday night I'm assuming this wasn't resolved with him as you're still upset and angry with him. If he had agreed he was out of order or misunderstood and apologised then I'm not sure you would have posted asking.

So does he not agree with you that he should have come home? What was his response ?

Lovemusic33 · 11/02/2019 07:45

Unless someone had died or been told they were seriously ill I don’t see why your dh would have to come home early. So telling us what happened does make a difference. Life chucks some shit stuff at us sometimes and we just have to deal with it, him staying at home whilst you cried maynot have made much difference other than upsetting him too, maybe he thought you needed some space to process what ever it was that was nothing you? Obviously what ever it was didn’t bother him like it did you? Maybe he thought you were being a drama queen?

You didn’t exactly tell him what you wanted, if you wanted him to stay home you should have asked instead of saying “don’t be too late back”.

Unless you tell us what the reason was you can’t expect us to understand if your DH was being unreasonable or not.

Collaborate · 11/02/2019 07:47

There has been a breakdown in communication. You say he'd only just gone out when this thing happened, and an hour later you sent your text.

3 hours later he returned. That's not later than normal, as you say he only usually stays out for 3-4 hours. You asked him not to be late. He wasn't late. This is not something he deserves a hard time over.

Ohnonotuagain · 11/02/2019 07:48

YABU.

I would elaborate on why I think you are but judging by your replies to the others who also think you're being unreasonable there just isn't any point as you'll poo-poo my view.