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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

365 replies

FrankiesMum78 · 10/02/2019 22:45

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 11/02/2019 01:28

Andromeida59 I didn’t come here for a reaction, I came here for advice and support. But if it makes you feel better to be mean be my guest.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 11/02/2019 01:29

DameIfYouDo You have no idea, and I hope you never do.

OP posts:
GlitterStick · 11/02/2019 01:30

GlitterStick

“The problem is OP that what it is kind of DOES matter because so many people make a big drama out of unimportant things. You've said that you're not that kind of person, but that wasn't clear from your OP and nobody on here knows you, so that's something that was in everyone's mind when you were so vague about it.“

That wasn't me. I quoted someone else and I agreed with them as if you're vague it's not easy to say whether YABU or YANBU.

shpoot · 11/02/2019 01:30

Seems clear that you are adamant YANBU. So why ask? I've got the feeling that your OH can't win really and that you don't want him to. Maybe time to think about moving on?

Andromeida59 · 11/02/2019 01:34
Biscuit
Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 11/02/2019 01:34

FenellaMaxwell I have no interest in drama, I wasn’t being vague I was being private. Some people feel the need to overshare very personal things which is their choice but not mine. I can’t here for honest opinion and advice not drama or speculation.

OP posts:
Oceanbliss · 11/02/2019 01:36

texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Op I don't think that it's unreasonable to want a partner who is in tune with you and you with him. If I received a text like that from someone I cared about I would (within reason) drop what I was doing and be there for them.

He wasn't there for you when you needed him. I think you need to evaluate why.

GlitterStick · 11/02/2019 01:38

“OP did you spell out what the upsetting thing was to him?“I didn’t, it wasn’t something I felt able to share unless in person

How the heck was he supposed to know that he had to get home right now then?!
If I got a text as vague as that if I got out and I'd had a couple of pints/ or glasses of wine I'd be like "OK, see you soon" but wouldn't be in any immediate ditch drink and run mode.

Butteredghost · 11/02/2019 01:38

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: We don't know, are you? What's happened?
OP: How dare you ask what's happened! Rubberneckers!

Andromeida59 · 11/02/2019 01:38

I'm not being mean OP, I just think you're unable to see it from other people's perspectives (which is what you've asked for). Being vague and using grandiose statements does make you look over dramatic and immature. I do hope you've recovered from whatever it is and that you've learnt that it does help to communicate clearly with your partner not just with a vague statement and then expect them to come running.

Good, clear communication is the key to any relationship. The problem with vague, over dramatic posts is that the recipient is likely to get tired of them and not respond when a response is actually needed.

Jaspermcsween · 11/02/2019 01:40

Hope the traumatic thing is resolvable

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/02/2019 01:55

I’m wondering why your text didn’t spark an immediate phone call from him.

OwlBeThere · 11/02/2019 02:16

The problem is OP..you keep saying 'if you knew me'....but we don't know you. we know nothing about you, so we have nothing to go on. personally i don't think 3 hours is late nor is it abandoning you. if he'd already been out over an hour, there is a decent chance he was already a bit drunk when you texted. that affects decision making capabilities.

however, the post that makes me think you have a....i don't know, mean streak...is talk of 'outing' him on facebook. You say you wouldn't, but you thought of it. and that in itself says something about you. 'outed' him for what?? going out for 4 hours?? being drunk and unable to turn back time about that by the time you texted him?

to me, if it was something awful i'd have immediately rang and said come home. the very fact you waited an hour and thought you'd be ok says to me it wasn't something utterly awful. in which case i don't think he did much wrong here anyway.

FenellaMaxwell · 11/02/2019 02:18

But nobody can give you an honest opinion or advice without the facts. If you want to be private that’s great. Good for you. But you can’t want to keep something private and also want everyone’s opinion on it.

OwlBeThere · 11/02/2019 02:24

and i would also say that 'dont be late' is a vague phrase in two respects , firstly because we all have a different idea of what time constitutes late. and secondly it can also be interpreted as 'don't be later than you normally would be' and you say yourself he came in at the time he would normally come in, so in that context he was not late.
so, yeah, more specificity needed i think.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 11/02/2019 02:28

@FrankiesMum78 you are feeding from this ... that much is evident from the fact that you keep responding to individual posters.

Nodnol · 11/02/2019 02:41

If you gave him as much information as you have here, yes you are BVVU.

Elephantshoe · 11/02/2019 02:45

Today 00:32 FrankiesMum78
Itsyersel
“What exactly where you hoping everyone would say,? Was it just to turn into a men bashing 8thread,?”
I thought I explained that, I came here for people’s opinions, to see if folk thought I was being unreasonable, and actually I can see that I should’ve been more direct and called him and asked him to come home. Isn’t that was this forum is for, to ask for advice?

You didn't tell DP what the "trauma" was, you expect him to drop everything and race home over some cryptic message.
He hardly ever goes out (your words) , yet when he did, you had a "trauma".

You text him before 11pm with your drama, and no clue was given to him.

I think you are probably very young, and very insecure that negative attention is how you feel you need to get him back home to you.

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 02:47

@Nodnol

Wisest post on the thread so far.

Elephantshoe · 11/02/2019 02:48

Also, you posted on AIBU. did UKIP think you'd get softly softly replies?

Your OP said
All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks

Seems like this was not the right section to post on? Obviously not all opinions and POVs are welcome.

wireswireswires · 11/02/2019 02:49

UKIP GrinGrinGrin

wireswireswires · 11/02/2019 02:49

Fucking Brexit again.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 11/02/2019 02:57

The only thing i can think of based on all your posts quite honestly is miscarriage. If thats what it is then if he was BU not calling or coming straight home would depend if he knew you were pregnant.

AIBU is really not the place for sympathy and soft and gentle, its always very opinionated and it definitely rubs people the wrong way asking for opinions when you dont give the info needed.

Oceanbliss · 11/02/2019 03:00

Yanbu to want your partner to be in tune with you and you with him.
Yanbu to keep the specific details of the upsetting thing that happened private. It's up to you how much or how little you choose to share. Some people can't respect that and feel entitled to know as much as they want to know. They're getting stroppy coz they're not getting what they want.

Your txt message in my opinion is enough for your partner to be there for you. That is if everything else you've said about yourself is true.

There are plenty of people who create drama to manipulate their relationships, so people (understandably) can become a bit cynical.

Aibu has very high traffic and loads of threads. So, people can be influenced by their own experience with Aibu threads.

If you are looking for support or advice or a hand held you are better off posting on a relationship board without the Aibu in your title.

Hope everything works out Flowers

Beansonapost · 11/02/2019 03:11

Go to bed OP.

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