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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

365 replies

FrankiesMum78 · 10/02/2019 22:45

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 01:02

You were distressed.
You asked him not to stay out too late.
He came home early.
You're now pissed off.
We don't know why you were distressed in the first place. He certainly didn't. He didn't even know you were distressed.
None of us are mind readers.
Now you're distressed about the response on here.

Was it a spider?

Did somebody knock on your door?
Given it's a late Sunday, I'm doubting Jehovah's Witnesses freaked you out.
Spiders freak me out.
Was your Waitrose order missing your caviar?

You won't tell us and didn't tell him what the hell was wrong, so how the fuck are we supposed to know what response is appropriate?

shpoot · 11/02/2019 01:02

Ffs. Clearly it depends on what has happened. Anyway, as you have been steadfastly replying to anyone who riles you on here it can't be that bad.

MiniMum97 · 11/02/2019 01:02

If I had text my DH that he would have called me and/or come home. As would I. Unless you are prone to exaggeration and emotional blackmail, that's the only normal response if someone you love was having a crisis.

Redshoeblueshoe · 11/02/2019 01:03

Damelf
Exactly

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 11/02/2019 01:03

Just tell uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus

NunoGoncalves · 11/02/2019 01:04

I think people are being disingenuous because they're pissed off at the lack of detail in the OP.

To everyone saying OP should have been more direct and her DP acted fine, answer me this:

If you were out with your friends and your partner texted you saying "Something really upsetting has happened... I'm devastated! Please don't come home late", would you just reply saying "ok I won't be home late"? Seriously?? Only if your DP has long form for being a drama queen!

MiniMum97 · 11/02/2019 01:08

I can't believe some of the posts on here. If you received a text from your DH saying "please don't be late, Something very upsetting has happened" you'd just go ah sod it I'll get another round in? Really?

I would be in the phone to him straight away to ask what had happened and whether I was needed home now. I wouldn't roll in three hours later really drunk. My DH would do the same.

Weird relationships you all have!

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 01:09

She said she didn't tell him she was upset/distraught etc. Just that she texted him asking him not to stay out late (an SOS text in her words).

It's hard to be sympathetic to some imaginary upset, since the DH did come home early. Not sure what else we can say!

SparkiePolastri · 11/02/2019 01:09

Fair call Nuno.

But, honestly? I can't imagine texting my husband a message like that, in that set of circumstances.

I'd call him, and either talk about it, or leave a voicemail to explain what had happened.

Calling people just doesn't seem to be something people do any more.

wireswireswires · 11/02/2019 01:10

If I said please don't be late and dh was tipsy he'd totally take that as 'not 3am'.

If it was serious enough for op to want and expect him home wicking she should have said that.

Ugh, I can't bear passive aggressive, vague bullshit!

SparkiePolastri · 11/02/2019 01:10

Cross-post with several people saying similar.

Andromeida59 · 11/02/2019 01:12

I actually think sending a message saying "don't be late, something upsetting has happened" is sending mixed messages. Either something has happened and they need to go asap or it could wait until they got home. The above message does imply it is something that could wait.

If something had happened, I'd tell my partner and ask them to come home if it warranted it. I don't see the point in being vague.

Andromeida59 · 11/02/2019 01:14

Same @wires, to me it just screams drama. It's almost like checking it a hospital.

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 01:14

OP did you spell out what the upsetting thing was to him?

NunoGoncalves · 11/02/2019 01:14

But, honestly? I can't imagine texting my husband a message like that, in that set of circumstances

Nor can I, but that is apparently what OP did, so I can only say that EITHER her DP for some reason deemed such a message non-urgent (for reasons which we could only speculate on) or her DP is a selfish arse who doesn't care much about her.

SparkiePolastri · 11/02/2019 01:15

... and should set alarm bells ringing

With all kindness OP, 'setting alarm bells ringing' isn't anywhere near as effective as coming out and actually saying what the issue is.

I really do think lesson learnt, right? Smile

Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 11/02/2019 01:16

DameIfYouDo

“She said she didn't tell him she was upset/distraught etc. Just that she texted him asking him not to stay out late (an SOS text in her words).

It's hard to be sympathetic to some imaginary upset, since the DH did come home early. Not sure what else we can say!”

To quote my original post:

“I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.”

He didn’t come home early, as I mentioned in an earlier reply you might not have seen, they usually only go out for 3 to 4 hours. Not all people go out until the early hours.

OP posts:
DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 01:17

Well she didn't say get home immediately, she said don't be late. She apparently didn't tell him what it was that was bothering her, so he did what she told him to do. He came home early. If she was that distraught, she could have told him what was wrong so that he'd have known to go home straight away.
I'm guessing he was celebrating after England's rugby win. That started early today.

FenellaMaxwell · 11/02/2019 01:17

Firstly, it absolutely does matter in context what the big upsetting thing is. Hammy the Hamster having hamster flu is a bit different from a diagnosis of serious illness, or a bereavement, even though you could quite feasibly be upset about Hammy.

You were vague with him and vague on here in a manner which seems designed to fuel drama and seem most annoyed that he didn’t buy in.

If something upsetting happened to me, I would either call my DH or text to say “DH, great aunt Mildred has died, I’m really upset - can you come?” I wouldn’t text dump some vague Dramatic Thing And expect him to divine what that meant.

wotsittoyou · 11/02/2019 01:18

I wonder how much your choice to articulate your distress as 'emotional trauma' had to do with the general unsympathetic tone of the responses here, op?

I'd bet that alot of people are finding it difficult to offer you care or patience because your posts suggest that you were upset, not traumatised, and therefore lying.

For instance, you say you *were devastated. It was only a couple of hours ago, aren't you still devasted?

Experiencing a traumatic event and suffering from emotional trauma are two different things. The latter usually takes time and hindsight to recognised. You appear to have already moved past it to a new upset - the inattentiveness of your partner.

Did you actually mean to say that you were very upset? Because if you'd expressed that more clearly, you might not have irritated so many people.

Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 11/02/2019 01:18

DameIfYouDo

“OP did you spell out what the upsetting thing was to him?“

I didn’t, it wasn’t something I felt able to share unless in person.

OP posts:
DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 01:19

But you didn't say get here immediately! You said don't stay out late! He didn't! Did you tell him what the upsetting thing was?

Andromeida59 · 11/02/2019 01:21

@worst was just about to say the same thing. It does seem like the OP is trying to get a big a reaction as possible.

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 01:21

Well it sounds like you're over your emotional trauma now, so all is good in the hood.

Original poster
FrankiesMum78 · 11/02/2019 01:23

wotsittoyou Bad choice of words maybe, but it wasn’t a couple of hours ago, it was Saturday night. But actually, feeling some of the vitriol from people here has made me much more hopeful for my own situation.

OP posts: