Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU to tell it to my DD as it is?

131 replies

mioko · 10/02/2019 17:52

DD is 15, and is applying for sixth form. She wants to be a surgeon, and has for a long time. She wants to do biology, chemistry and maths. The only problem is that I don't believe she's smart enough to go down this route. I've gently tried to push her more towards nursing, but she's adamant. She only got a 3 in her science mocks, and a 4 in maths. In my head, this just doesn't seem enough. My son is currently in uni doing veterinary medicine, and he got all A's in his GCSES. I don't want to be absolutely awful and tell my daughter she 'isn't good enough' to achieve her dreams, but I really don't want her to be let down. Should I just tell her?

OP posts:

userschmoozer · 10/02/2019 17:54

Can you get her some careers advice? It might have less sting if it comes from a professional, and they can give her some alternatives.

GreenThing · 10/02/2019 17:55

It will become apparent soon enough.

She won't even get on to an A-level course with those grades.

Is she coasting? She might turn it around later if she's clever but not particularly hard working.

Knittedfairies · 10/02/2019 17:56

Any chance she will improve her grades? I think you'll just have to let this play out, but be there to pick up the pieces if necessary. Good luck.

HeyNannyNanny · 10/02/2019 17:58

Surely she knows this herself? At 15 she can't possibly think she will get into science and maths A Levels with such low grades at the GCSE equivalent? The jump from GCSE to A Level is huge.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 10/02/2019 17:58

yanbu but stick to the facts, instead of, " I am worried youwont get the grades to do medicine" go with, " for a-levels in those subjects you really need at least a 6, have you spoken to your teachers about whether that's doable?
the school really should be offering careers advice.

Original poster

mioko · 10/02/2019 17:58

userschmoozer That's a great idea. DH is friends with a GP and I was thinking about asking him if he'd have a conversation with her about just how hard going into medicine is!
Green She definitely isn't putting her full potential in, she has predicted grades of 7's and 8's but she's so far away from them that it's slightly worrying now. I tried to explain to her that the science courses will have people who got 9's trying to get onto them, and that they're very demanding, but she just doesn't listen.

OP posts:

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 10/02/2019 17:59

I would say don't.

A good friend of mine always wanted to be a doctor - nobody really thought she would get the grades. Certainly not our teachers, or the guidance counsellor, who basically told her to be a paramedic instead.

She didn't listen, studied hard, went to a different school for her final year, didn't get the grades, repeated, got the grades, and is now a hardworking GP. I'm ashamed to say NONE of us thought she would get there, but we were wrong, and she wanted it enough to get there without the support she deserved.

Maybe your daughter can do it too, or maybe she will have to realise at some point that she needs to change tack, but either way I would support her and let her see what she can do.

NChangeForNoReason · 10/02/2019 17:59

Not yet - let her apply for 6th form and do the subjects of choice. Her alevel results will dictate what uni and course she can take, therefore u won't be the bad guy.

You will however be there to console her, comfort her and be able to suggest it isn't all bad and nursing may be a better option.

My daughter had her heart set on St Andrews uni, during GCSEs however after 1.5terms of 6thform it's obvious she won't get the grade needed to do the subject she wants at that uni. She now set her expectations on a different uni with lower grade boundaries. I knew she wouldn't get the grades, said nothing and now I'm the super supportive Mum, proud of her maturity

bridgetreilly · 10/02/2019 17:59

It seems unlikely that she'd get to study medicine with those grades, but you also don't need to make that decision for her now. If she can get onto those A-level course, they'll be good for a lot of options later.

1234User · 10/02/2019 18:00

I feel you’re pain!!!! My son is predicted 5s&6s and wants to be a physiotherapist....luckily the school 6th form application process made it clear that unless he gets 6s in biology and pe with 5s in everything else he wouldn’t get the course he wants.

On the other hand my daughter really struggled academically 2 years ago but was adamant she was going to be a social worker....I fought the school hard to get her a place in 6th form as that’s what she wanted.

Long story short she hated school, achieved very little, had her MH destroyed and basically wasted 2 years which could have been spent doing an apprenticeship or in employment.

In hind sight I wish I’d been more honest and supported her less.

Good luck to your DD though, it’s a hard time for them.

Original poster

mioko · 10/02/2019 18:00

HeyNanny She's told me multiple times that she didn't revise for mocks and that she'll get great grades in her actual exams. I think it's just typical teenage laziness, but I need to get it through to her that it just isn't on to not be putting 100% in when she's trying to get onto such intense courses. I don't doubt that with full effort she could do them, I just doubt that she'd be able to consistently put full effort into her work.

OP posts:

hazell42 · 10/02/2019 18:00

I don't think you have the right to destroy her dreams. Effort will get her just as far as talent.
And what us the worst that can happen? She tries and she fails. Then she tries something else. Better for her to find out for herself than spend the rest of her life remembering her mum didnt believe in her.
Tell her she can do anything and she might

MrsJayy · 10/02/2019 18:01

Ok you need to back off a bit say to her your grades need to be this and leave it up to her I wouldn't involve anybody else apart from school.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/02/2019 18:01

She will be told what she needs to achieve in order to do her choice of A levels. She wont be allowed to do them unless she improves her mock results drastically.

TheSmallAssassin · 10/02/2019 18:01

If she's applying for 6th form, then she'll know what grades they will want for her to study those A levels. If school aren't predicting she'll get those, she won't get accepted onto the course. Surely school can give her careers advice?

I'd just be there for her and try and get clued up yourself on alternatives you could guide her towards. She'll still probably need a science A level for nursing, so not sure why you think she should do that if you don't think she'll do well in her GCSEs?

Original poster

mioko · 10/02/2019 18:03

TheSmallAssassin When we went to look around sixth forms, we went to go have a look at health and social, and they also have a pathway to nursing course, which she would be able to get onto if she got 5's. I might be wrong and she might need science for that, but that's just what I've read on the website.

OP posts:

adelias · 10/02/2019 18:04

Speaking as a teacher I'm glad you're being realistic about this. I think it's fine for kids to dream big etc and unfortunately she will realise soon as she won't get onto A Levels in those topics with those grades. However worst is when the parents are sat across from me at parents evening telling me that their child will be going to study medicine (or something similar) and I have to let them on to the science course because of this when they are hardly getting a pass grade 🤦‍♀️. I would suggest making an appointment with the careers advice person at school. Ours is very good at pointing the kids in a slightly more realistic direction.

Original poster

mioko · 10/02/2019 18:06

hazell This isn't a case of me not believing in her, this is a case of her saying that's the only option she will even consider. Realistically, if she's getting 3's in her science mocks, there isn't even a chance that she'll be a surgeon. It sounds awful, but it's the truth. I don't doubt that she could pull her grades up to 5's and 6's, but she'd struggle massively getting top grades and she doesn't have that self motivation, or else she'd already be trying hard and revising every night.

OP posts:

TheSmallAssassin · 10/02/2019 18:07

Having read your later updates, I think you should maybe leave it alone.

She obviously doesn't work the same way your son does. Perhaps she'll pull the grades out of the hat, perhaps she won't, but she sounds like an intelligent girl, so I am sure she will work it out.

kitkatsky · 10/02/2019 18:09

I'm not sure if this is still the case, but when I did A Levels the medicine applicants also had to pick two of their six UCAS options on a course with lower grade requirements than medicine. What are her strengths and interests? If she loves kids maybe paediatric nursing, if she loves exercise sth like occupational therapy etc. All still in medical field and maybe more achievable

hazell42 · 10/02/2019 18:11

Then let her find this out for herself. Tell her you believe in her. Maybe she will do it this year. Maybe she will need to repeat or reassess. But do let that be her decision.

My exh has told our daughter several times she wont make it as an artist, based in his own feelings not fact. She has found this very hurtful.

You dint have to be unrealistic. Just keg her work if out herslef

IncrediblySadToo · 10/02/2019 18:12

I think it depends entirely on the child.

It sounds like your DD has the ability but not the drive to work. I would very firmly tell her that I know she has the sbilitybtingetbthe required grades but that because she’s being lazy and coasting she had better have a back up plan because she will not get good enough grades to progress all the while she’s coasting. Tell her you are not going to keep inn or nag her because she needs to be self motivated if she wants to be a surgeon, but that you’ll help her in any way you can IF she asks.

Then pray she wakes up to herself soon.

Wowzel · 10/02/2019 18:13

Don't suggest nursing just because her grades aren't good enough to be a doctor.

Suggest nursing if she wants to be a nurse. There are not that many similarities between the two, especially during training/working on the wards.

The only time they even become remotely similar is if you become an Advanced Clinical Practitioner - which is a MSc course, once you have been a nurse (or another AHP) for some time.

Original poster

mioko · 10/02/2019 18:16

hazell I fully understand what you're saying, but she's not going to get onto a medical course to be a surgeon if she had to resit maths or science. Not with how competitive the field is. It's quite different to art, where it's based on their skill and talent. To get on a medical degree it generally recommends you have at least 5 GCSE's at an A-A*. Which she won't get. I don't want to hurt her, but I also don't want her hurt when she gets turned down by the courses she wants to do.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 10/02/2019 18:16

I agree, nursing isn't for people who don't get the grades to be a doctor. It's a completely different career.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6