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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell it to my DD as it is?

131 replies

mioko · 10/02/2019 17:52

DD is 15, and is applying for sixth form. She wants to be a surgeon, and has for a long time. She wants to do biology, chemistry and maths. The only problem is that I don't believe she's smart enough to go down this route. I've gently tried to push her more towards nursing, but she's adamant. She only got a 3 in her science mocks, and a 4 in maths. In my head, this just doesn't seem enough. My son is currently in uni doing veterinary medicine, and he got all A's in his GCSES. I don't want to be absolutely awful and tell my daughter she 'isn't good enough' to achieve her dreams, but I really don't want her to be let down. Should I just tell her?

OP posts:
Original poster
mioko · 10/02/2019 18:19

Wowzel I don't know much about medicine, really. I'm just trying to recommend something in the medical field, which as a swimming coach, I couldn't be further away from that area of work! I just want her doing something she both wants to do and is capable of doing.

OP posts:
Wallsbangers · 10/02/2019 18:19

Have a look at UCAS and you'll see the grade requirements, subject requirements and experience needed for these courses. She won't get into medicine unless those grades massively improve and while she's doing 6th form study she'll need to be doing regular volunteering. It's a lot if she's just happy to coast along.

Katterinaballerina · 10/02/2019 18:22

She’s 15. She’s not exactly picking out a surgical specialty. Let her do her GCSEs. See what she gets. If she gets 5s after revising then it is time for a rethink. If she gets 8s then see how she does with the a-level courses she’s chosen over the first term or two. She probably isn’t going to be a surgeon but that doesn’t mean you need to shut her down so completely now. She won’t be applying for Uni for another 20 months minimum so let her figure it out for herself. If she does end up wanting to do nursing she can still go down that route at 18.

NerrSnerr · 10/02/2019 18:22

Nursing is not really comparable to being a doctor, especially not a surgeon. If she's interested in working in an operating theatre then maybe she could look into training as an operating department practitioner (ODP)?

HollowTalk · 10/02/2019 18:23

The thing is that if she isn't working hard, she'll struggle to work hard in the future.

Someone I knew walked through his GCSEs with As and Bs (before A*s.) He hadn't done any work at all. When he did his A levels he realised he'd never learned how to work and he got E grades. He ended up doing them all again and getting A grades, but because he'd done them twice, he didn't get into medical school. He then did a related degree and got a First (won't say what as may be outing to him) and medical school then knocked one year off his medical degree. So he did four extra years simply because he hadn't learned how to work hard. He's now a surgeon and yes, he'd always said that's what he wanted to be but that arrogance when someone says they'll do this fantastic job without doing any work for it is actually insulting to the other students who do their work.

TheSmallAssassin · 10/02/2019 18:24

You don't really know that she won't get those grades. Some people can just pull their finger out at the last minute, I did (including 3 grade A sciences). Telling her she can't do it won't help, honestly.

She's got plenty of time to set her sights lower, just let her work it out for herself. You telling her she isn't up to it will backfire on you.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 10/02/2019 18:24

i just dont think its necessary at 15 tosay "you cant be a nurse" just remind her what she needs to get on her A-level courses and go from there. You could also look on UCAS at universitys together and their requirements for medicine. None of these things is unreasonable.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 10/02/2019 18:25

sorry i meant "you cant be a surgeon"

Original poster
mioko · 10/02/2019 18:25

NerrSnerr I could have her have a look at that, then! She has her heart set on being a surgeon, but I just would quite like her to explore other possibilities too, because she just hasn't looked at anything else because she's saying she only wants to be a surgeon.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 10/02/2019 18:26

*universities

jade19 · 10/02/2019 18:29

Maybe she needs some help but wint ask for it. Maybe it's worth sitting down one to one to ask her what she need to get this course, what she is getting now and what she is struggling with. There is she spoke to her teachers she could get extra tutoring after school and there are hit you can buy online to help. If she wants to be a surgeon she will do what it takes.
But PLEASE don't tell her you don't think she is smart enough. it will break her more then you think! xc

PurpleWithRed · 10/02/2019 18:29

Stick to the short term facts on repeat (you will need 8s and 9s to get onto those A level courses). She is probably listening underneath it all.

But don't expect her to say 'gosh Mum you are right, I am being overambitious/silly/lazy, I will need to pull my finger well out/dumb down to nursing'. If she's anything like mine were at 15 the sky would have to fall in before they admitted I was right about something they'd dug their heels in about.

TheSmallAssassin · 10/02/2019 18:30

It's the arrogance of the teenager, HollowTalk. Your friend learned the hard way but he got there in the end. I bet if someone had told teenaged him what would happen, he wouldn't have listened, we need to make our own mistakes! (I did, anyway)

3in4years · 10/02/2019 18:31

1 = A**
2 = A*
3 = A
Or thereabouts. So your daughter's results are similar to your son's. So YABU not to encourage her.

Orchiddingme · 10/02/2019 18:32

I had a student only the other day who I had to explain wouldn't really be very likely to get PhD funding. It was awful, she looked like she would cry. Unfortunately sometimes people go a long way before finding their limit of achievement. Not everyone can be a surgeon or do a PhD (especially getting one funded now). It's easier if it is a non-family member like a careers advisor or teacher who perhaps guides the person towards more realistic goals.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 10/02/2019 18:32

I have one ds doing his second year of A levels and another doing his GCSEs and applying to school to start A levels next year. They both had to fill in a form for the school with which subjects they were looking at doing and then interviewed with the relevant staff, head of sixth form etc and told what GCSE grades were needed to do the subjects at A level. School also make suggestions of what to do if you don't get the necessary grades.

Ds1 applied for his subjects and was accepted on condition he got certain grades, but if he didn't get them he needed a backup plan, he could discuss it when he went to school for his exam results or later if getting them through the post. For your dd it might be worthwhile her discussing it with potential A level providers and finding out what her options are, they might be willing to offer her places in the subjects she wants on condition she gets the right grades, but make it clear someone else will be offered 'her place' if she doesn't get the grades. It often has more impact if the professional who makes the decision about what courses she gets accepted on tells her her options rather than a parent, ie you.

Orchiddingme · 10/02/2019 18:33

I'm confused about the results now 3in4years has posted. I'm pretty sure if she's predicted 7/8 and getting a 3 then she isn't getting A's at all.

Yogagirl123 · 10/02/2019 18:34

Could a private tutor be an option for the subjects your DD is struggling with to make the grade? We did this route with both of our sons.

I have to say I am always impressed when a teen knows what they want to do, so many don’t!

TheSmallAssassin · 10/02/2019 18:34

I think Katterinaballerina has it spot on. Just see how things go. She will work it out.

Katterinaballerina · 10/02/2019 18:35

It’s the other way around. 9 is the best grade.

HeckyPeck · 10/02/2019 18:35

Realistically, if she's getting 3's in her science mocks, there isn't even a chance that she'll be a surgeon.

If she has the intelligence to be able to get higher, there’s nothing to stop her from redoing GCSEs if she doesn’t get the grades this time round.

I’d say what Incredibly has put. If you tell her you don’t think she can do it that’s likely to stay with her forever.

Interceptor999 · 10/02/2019 18:36

Wow your charming! Try encouraging her not putting her down.

colditz · 10/02/2019 18:36

She's NOT going to be a surgeon. WIth grades 3 and 4 in Maths and Science, she's not going to be a nurse either. She would maybe get onto a Health and Social care BTEC. Maybe.

You need to tell her this because if she chooses her A levels with the idea of being a surgeon, and then gets anything less than a 9 for her pertinent GCSE's, she's going to be sorely disappointed.

Original poster
mioko · 10/02/2019 18:36

3in4years A 3 is about a D in the old grades... Not an A.

OP posts:
3in4years · 10/02/2019 18:36

Oh I'm sorry. You are right and I am wrong. It's the other way.
9 = A**
8 = A*
7 = A
6 = A/B
5 = B/C
4 = C
3 = D
Anything below this is a pass but not a good one. So sorry! So 3s would not be good enough for medicine I imagine.