To think I'm fighting a losing battle with DD's weight?

[sickoftalkingaboutthis]

DD (5yo) is overweight. Not massively so, you wouldn't look at her and think "that's a fat child" but she is definitely carrying some extra fat around her middle and I have noticed her face looking a bit chubbier over the past few months.

Please don't flame me. I am trying very hard to address this now because I know that children who are even slightly overweight in primary often continue to struggle with their weight as they get older. I've downloaded the Food Scanner app and have become really aware of 'hidden sugars' etc, have been following NHS advice about portion sizes and snacks, cooking from scratch wherever possible etc. We walk to and from school every day, she does a weekly dance class and we take her swimming or on a long walk/bike ride every weekend. It's much easier to keep her active in the spring/summer as she's straight out in the garden on the trampoline every day after school when the weather is nice.

I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle because junk food seems to be everywhere.

DD is invited to a birthday party every weekend for the next four weeks, which is lovely, but of course means cake, sweets, pizza, crisps etc. Whenever we go on 'play dates' after-school her friends Mum's bring out sugary snacks and drinks and I don't feel able to say no because I don't want them to think I'm judging their dietary choices. It also seems cruel to DD to expect her to sit there while her friend eats something she's not allowed.

Every time we go round to a relatives house they offer DD biscuits or chocolate and it's really hard to decline without offending people. I also don't want to make an issue out of food in front of DD. I have mentioned to a couple of family members (when DD is out of the room) that we're trying to limit treats because we're a bit worried about her weight and they just look at me like I'm crazy and tell me "she's fine".

School dinners don't help- always things like pizza, potato wedges, burgers and chips and always followed by cake, ice-cream or something with custard. I would prefer her to have a packed lunch but she doesn't want to be 'different' or to sit away from her friends. The few kids who have packed lunches eat in a separate room.

Having realised that some of the cereals we were offering for breakfast that we thought were reasonably healthy contain a lot of hidden sugar, we've been giving her Weetabix/porridge sweetened with berries instead. DH is on board with cooking healthy meals, exercise etc but he has a fondness for sugary cereals himself and keeps eating them in front of DD. I've asked him to stop and he just says "I'm not going to eat in secret, that's ridiculous". I get his point but does he think I never fancy a chocolate Hob Nob when I'm enthusiastically cutting up veggie sticks for an after-school snack?? Of course I do, but I'm not going to eat one in front of her and expect her to be happy with a carrot!

Every day when I pick DD up from school I see children who are skinny as rakes being handed bars of chocolate, Haribo and bags of crisps as soon as they come out the door and I wonder where I'm going wrong. I'm trying so hard to make sure she has a healthy diet but she's still chubby and it all seems such a slog. I have a three month old baby, I'm knackered and it would be so easy just to think "fuck it" and give in for an easy life.

I feel like a rubbish Mum

I’m going against the grain but I I think it’s important as a family to talk openly about what is healthy and what is not. And yes, that includes talking about obesity and the risks to health that brings. Statistically children face a much greater threat of heart disease and typ 2 diabetes, cancers associated with poor diet choices etc than anorexia. Whilst I’d never wish to undermine the risks of an eating disorder, the risks and likelyhood of overeating far outweighs it in my opinion. We have sweets once a week only so if there are two parties then the sweets from the second day will have to be saved until the following week.
Also, children don’t need snacking. I’m puzzled by this constant need of eating. Breakfast, lunch and dinner is fine, they do t need endless snacks on top of it.

I think we are doing our children a great disservice by tiptoeing around the issues of overeating. And yes, your husband might like the sweet cereal but I’m sure it would do his health good to cut down in sugar too. It’s not about dieting, it is about teaching her about healthy food choices for life.

@Lndnmummy couldn't agree more, your post is spot on. I could have predicted as soon as I read the op
that someone would soon link the op's sensible and subtle attitude to a future eating disorder for her dd . Bingo, first response!

Encourage her to adopt healthy habits when she is at home/with you.

Accept that at parties and other peoples houses you will have less control over what is offered.

It's about balance, and choosing your battles. Concentrate on making her home life as healthy as possible and it should balance out.

Children have different metabolisms so some can eat junk and stay slim, but others who eat the same can’t. Same as adults. Also, you might see the kids eating this junk after school, but then that’s probably the only time they get it and have a healthy dinner (and maybe they don’t eat so much of the junk you see they are given). My two kids take after me and have a high metabolism. But we are also very active. If it’s not raining, they are outside playing for at least 1 hour or 1.5 hours a day. Summer time it could be 2-3 hours!!

You never really know what other children eat. The majority of the time you see them eating is a special occasion.

For example no one on MN ever admits to their DC having crisps and chocolate, yet all the other kids are having crisps and chocolate. It's probably somewhere in the middle, it looks like the other kids are having lots but they probably aren't, and the ones who claim they never do, probably have a small amount.

Be really honest with yourself, is that really what your DD is eating. Is it healthy (at least what you give her)? Is she getting plenty of fruit and veg? Is she doing plenty of excerise? If so then it's fine, make sure you limit her snacks. Snacks of credited, some cheese, an apple or some berries are fine. If you categorise all sweet foods as puddings and then only have pudding one day a week, so no chocolate or biscuits as a snack. 50% of her plate as veg

Drinks stick to water and milk. Sugar free squash at school won't effect her weight.

If the she is eating plenty of veg, plenty of nutritious food, doing plenty of exercise I wouldn't worry too much about her weight. It's not the be all and end all, if she is eating healthily and doing plenty of excercise as her calorie needs naturally increase as she gets bigger this should even out. It sounds like she is slightly overweight rather than obese. I wouldn't be too paranoid about her weight.

Remember at 5 she doesn't want to be losing weight, only not gaining it so that as she grows up she slims. You don't want to be seeing major changes.

That should be crudites

We talk regularly about what is in food, things our bodies need and what is best in moderation. My daughter and I were talking yesterday about the fact that I am chubby, I told her it was because I ate too much of the wrong things and didn't move as much as I should. 🤷 She's proud of being fit and strong, as well she should be.

Agree with Lndnmummy
At some point in fairly recent history, Type 2 diabetes, formerly known as adult-onset, began to be seen in children. Yet we are still too scared of “eating disorders” to tell the truth about this dreadful condition which in many cases is reversible. I do believe the poor habits start in childhood and we owe it to our kids to help them make good choices

Dont forget it can take up to 8 weeks to see a difference

Try and keep it simple. If she's going to a party do nice simple breakfast of porridge or eggs etc. Then perhaps for tea do veggie sticks with homemade dip to balance party food out.

She doesn't do much exercise tbh.

Op would second another posters recommendation to get a trampoline in the garden. Honestly, best money on the children we have spent. They have so much fun and its great excersise.

I started running a few months ago and once a week ds1 comes along with me.

Other then that your very aware and your doing great. Children are all different shapes and sizes and puppy fat is very normal at that age.

I think you're doing the right thing. I was a a bit chubby child - not overweight, but not slim. And I wish my parents would have helped me to make the right choices.

My own kids are obsessed with being strong. So I try to explain that some thing are better for your body and help you to get stonger. Some things are tasty, but don't help to grow muscles, so those things are treats and should be enjoyed in moderation.

Re exercise - are there no good parks near you? Assuming you're in England if swimming too expensive.

Nothing wrong with you all wrapped up in appropriate clothes and go for walks. I live on the west coast of Scotland, if people here didn't go out when the weather was bad they'd never leave the house! I've had many lovely walks and days out with dd when the weather was Fucking miserable to be honest but we still tramped up the local hills etc in good waterproofs and boots! Dh can come too at weekends and have baby on his back? (Re dh I wonder if you've broached the "fat inside thin outside" theory? His eating loads of sugar isn't healthy either even if he is currently slim)

At 5 years old she could be going to rainbows or beavers which isn't expensive (or at least shouldn't be) uniform isn't necessary at first and even later when you may want to get her uniform most groups should be able to point you in the right direction for donated/second hand uniform.

Does your local church or other religious "houses" not run any activity groups?

Exercise INside the house is possible too, when my dd was dance mad she had one of those dance games where you watched a video and it linked to a mat that lit up, but I'm sure there's tons of YouTube videos with kids exercise and dance routines on that maybe even you and baby could join in with? How old is baby?

Even just playing with her doing "action" songs, make a playlist up and teach her the moves to things like Agadoo, superman, Saturday night, Macarena, cha cha slide etc - I bet if you posted another post asking mners to help you make a playlist of this type of song you'd get LOADS! (I did this for a birthday sleepover of dds when she was in dance mad phase - the kids LOVED it and their parents were most amused when they went home and excitedly showed them the "new" dances they'd learned which the parents then joined in with!)

WhatNow40's post is good re adjusting for the extra food eaten elsewhere at home and blaming it on potential dental issues (not entirely untrue that)

I think you're doing a great job it's not easy!

I had the opposite problem - a very tall very slim dd from the very beginning (which I now know was probably at least partly because of her disability) I have been accused of starving her and neglecting her, she doesn't and never has liked chips and isn't keen on deep fried food generally (later learned it's common with this disability as these foods can irritate those with it) and she doesn't like chocolate either, again never has. People that don't know us assume I've drummed this into her, whereas it made my life bloody difficult on occasion! And hers! She has a higher metabolism and doesn't store fat as efficiently as others, eating large portions isn't possible as that upsets her stomach, it's been an uphill battle! Even now (she's now 18 over 6ft and size 8) she's getting told by Drs she MUST eat little and often and she's now on meds for something else which she has to take on a full stomach and at same time daily which she's struggling with.

It's tough. But you're doing great!

I was a chubby child and the attempts to control my weight had a negative impact on me, leading to lifelong issues with weight and food.

I think not worrying about what your daughter eats, but being far more active is a better strategy. Take her for long walks or bike rides. Encourage physical activity.

sickoftalkingaboutthis

Wonko I am a Children's Nurse. So I know that contrary to popular belief, "puppy fat" on a Reception aged child is neither 'normal' nor healthy. You should be able to see their ribs. Parents of overweight children are judged as neglectful but if you try to address a potential weight problem you're accused of "fostering an eating disorder". You can't win. Which is probably why parents like me feel like saying "fuck it" and giving up sometimes and many do, which is why there are so many obese children.“

We had the opposite problem with our son, underweight,just wasn’t interested in eating much. I was so worried that his ribs were so visible but was firmly told by the gp that yes, he was underweight, but seeing ribs on a child is perfectly normal, you ought to be able to see them. He said most of us are too heavy and have become so used to seeing excess flesh that we think bones look alarming.
our daughter( older) though was overweight, started with a bit of chubbiness at 4/5 which I more or less ignored, everyone said puppy fat, blah, blah. Wind on 10 years and it was a much bigger problem. She’s adult now and on top of it at last but it hasn’t been easy for her and I so wish I’d ignored other people’s well intentioned opinions and done more about her weight when she was little. You really are doing the right thing trying to get on top of it now. I’d insist in advance of visits to relatives though, no chocolate biscuits, ice creams etc., I always did that at least and no, they didn’t appreciate it. Doesn’t matter what others think though, they won’t have to try to help an unhappy teenager. Try to up the activity if you possibly can (do you have bikes?) and your husband has to step up and set a better example too (he can eat Frosties when she’s gone to bed )
As for the skinny kids eating haribos, unfortunately genes are very unfair indeed! It’s just something she’ll have to learn to understand as she grows up. Some people can eat a lot more than others can. Parties are hard, it’s not fair to make her feel different, but you’ll have to try to compensate with her other meals at home that day.
Does she cook with you? Cooking healthy meals together helps encourage a positive attitude to food.
Please don’t give up, my husband and his brothers were “chubby” children, it was actually considered healthy back then. and they’re all diabetic now.

No advice I'm afraid but wanted to say how impressed I am with your approach so far.

In my experience kids go in and out like squeeze boxes. She may be due a growth spurt.

They don't thorough. The most likely outcome of a fat 5 year old, is an even fatter 10, 15 and 20 year old.

Sorry, not rtft. Is she due a growth spurt? Dd was always chubby before she shot up an inch or two and I declined the weight and and measurement thing at school when she was 5 because I knew she'd be overweight. She's now 15yrs old and a size 6.

Just a bit of reassurance re the school dinners. We had a lady come in from our school meal provider to talk to the parents about the meals, and there are pretty strict regulations about school meals. The portion sizes are set by the government by age (so probably smaller than a lot of children are given at home!), and there are rules about how often they are allowed processed food. She explained that it might say sausages and chicken nuggets in one week, but as they are only allowed one 'processed' meal each week the chicken nuggets in that case would be handmade in the kitchen and baked in the oven rather than fried. And they often serve them with wedges- so sound like chips but in reality no worse than a baked potato with a little butter really. And when we were given a taster of school meals, the puddings are really not that sweet. We had a 'cookie' (so sounds pretty sugary and unhealthy), but it was actually very heavy on the oats, a few raisins and it was really not at all sweet.

Her diet sounds really good, so might be a good idea just to check the portion sizes are ok, portion sizes have really grown in this country and lots of children's meals are more than I would eat!

Definitely increasing activity is a good idea too- skipping, games of tag, dance at home (there are loads of dance videos on YouTube that she could dance along to), or even try some of the Joe Wicks kids workouts on YouTube together, things like pogo sticks outside are fun too. Walk wherever you can rather than driving.

Have a think about the messaging you give your child. Do you expect them to finish their plate and are they rewarded with dessert?

I know someone who’s forever saying good girl etc to her kid when they finish their plate. They have to finish their plate to get pudding.
Surprise surprise her dd is a bit chubby and she spends time worrying about her weight and restricts sweets etc but I strongly suspect it’s portion sizes at her meal times which are the issue!

My dd is as skinny as a rake - she doesn’t eat much and I don’t encourage her to finish anything. I just ask her to try. It’s very tough when she’s at friends houses and I do not insist she has “one more mouthful” to get pudding - that’s just telling a child to eat more calories!

She has excellent appetite control as does my eldest dc - because I’ve never made them finish a meal. Plus we walk a lot - which the dcs moan about as a lot of their friends would drive a journey which is only a 15 min walk.

As a result I’m pretty relaxed about junk food. I don’t snack on junk food much at home, I let my dcs have junk food just not very often and I’m quite relaxed about parties etc.

I worry about my DD too. She's only 3 but she's definitely chubby in the belly area.
I don't really know how to improve her diet though, we cook literally everything from scratch, she eats plenty of fruit and veg, and we just don't buy crisps, sweets and biscuits.
The only chocolate or biscuits the kids get is at the grandparents house every few weeks and even then it's like 2 digestives, so not ridiculously excessive.
Pudding after tea is natural yoghurt and fresh fruit. I don't really know what I could just down on tbh.

First, I think you're doing an amazing job.

Second, I do not in a million years believe that what you are doing will cause an eating disorder in your child. I can say this confidently because I am an academic psychologist who studies factors that increase risk of eating disorders in children and adolescents. In fact, experiencing overweight/obesity in childhood IS a key eating disorder risk factor - so you are helping to reduce her risk.

I can completely understand your frustration. As you're undoubtedly aware from your professional background, evidence suggests that whole-family based activity and healthy eating is a sensible way to help a child reach a healthy weight centile over time, maintaining weight whilst gaining height. I too would be annoyed by one of the adults breaking this 'whole family' approach when you're trying so hard in other ways.

I have put my foot down about kids parties with my own children (I have 3) and they don't seem scarred by it. Our rule is: enjoy sandwiches and a few crisps, make sure you have some veggie sticks if they're there, and one cake or sweet thing allowed. Birthday cake isn't eaten the same day as the party unless the child decides to skip their sweet thing at the party lunch/ tea and have the cake at home instead. Even my 6 year old has learned to follow this. Other meals that day will be heavy on the veg and protein, lighter on the carbohydrates, depending on what was offered at the party. I try to make it balance out at the end.

I'd also agree with others that it's good to check the portion sizes and also the proportion of food on the plate i.e. are veggies occupying the majority of the plate? I try to fill my kids up on veggies and protein before they can have seconds of carbs (but if they're hungry I never refuse).

I would also strongly decline the snacks at relatives. Explain that you're sticking to healthier snacks between meals and if necessary produce something healthy and child friendly as an alternative (grapes / cheese / carrot sticks). I realise this is a pain but it's a great chance to get an extra portion of fruit or veg in. I think it's fine to enjoy chocolate/ cake etc as part of a main meal - not every day - but so easy for extras to sneak in between meals.

Ultimately, at some point your daughter will realise (and vocalise) that you eat differently to her school friends e.g. no sweet snack after school. I have been up-front and said that it's just not the way we do it in our family, every family is different and makes different choices.

Good luck, I think your daughter is very lucky to have you as her mum x

Also, re the squash and sweets, I would personally focus on the sugar being damaging to her teeth rather than it being anything to do with her weight. Same for the overly sweet breakfast cereals.

DS2 would drink squash around the clock if I let him. But he is very occasionally allowed a small glass of it with a meal as that minimises the effect of the sugar on his teeth.