To think I'm fighting a losing battle with DD's weight?

[sickoftalkingaboutthis]

DD (5yo) is overweight. Not massively so, you wouldn't look at her and think "that's a fat child" but she is definitely carrying some extra fat around her middle and I have noticed her face looking a bit chubbier over the past few months.

Please don't flame me. I am trying very hard to address this now because I know that children who are even slightly overweight in primary often continue to struggle with their weight as they get older. I've downloaded the Food Scanner app and have become really aware of 'hidden sugars' etc, have been following NHS advice about portion sizes and snacks, cooking from scratch wherever possible etc. We walk to and from school every day, she does a weekly dance class and we take her swimming or on a long walk/bike ride every weekend. It's much easier to keep her active in the spring/summer as she's straight out in the garden on the trampoline every day after school when the weather is nice.

I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle because junk food seems to be everywhere.

DD is invited to a birthday party every weekend for the next four weeks, which is lovely, but of course means cake, sweets, pizza, crisps etc. Whenever we go on 'play dates' after-school her friends Mum's bring out sugary snacks and drinks and I don't feel able to say no because I don't want them to think I'm judging their dietary choices. It also seems cruel to DD to expect her to sit there while her friend eats something she's not allowed.

Every time we go round to a relatives house they offer DD biscuits or chocolate and it's really hard to decline without offending people. I also don't want to make an issue out of food in front of DD. I have mentioned to a couple of family members (when DD is out of the room) that we're trying to limit treats because we're a bit worried about her weight and they just look at me like I'm crazy and tell me "she's fine".

School dinners don't help- always things like pizza, potato wedges, burgers and chips and always followed by cake, ice-cream or something with custard. I would prefer her to have a packed lunch but she doesn't want to be 'different' or to sit away from her friends. The few kids who have packed lunches eat in a separate room.

Having realised that some of the cereals we were offering for breakfast that we thought were reasonably healthy contain a lot of hidden sugar, we've been giving her Weetabix/porridge sweetened with berries instead. DH is on board with cooking healthy meals, exercise etc but he has a fondness for sugary cereals himself and keeps eating them in front of DD. I've asked him to stop and he just says "I'm not going to eat in secret, that's ridiculous". I get his point but does he think I never fancy a chocolate Hob Nob when I'm enthusiastically cutting up veggie sticks for an after-school snack?? Of course I do, but I'm not going to eat one in front of her and expect her to be happy with a carrot!

Every day when I pick DD up from school I see children who are skinny as rakes being handed bars of chocolate, Haribo and bags of crisps as soon as they come out the door and I wonder where I'm going wrong. I'm trying so hard to make sure she has a healthy diet but she's still chubby and it all seems such a slog. I have a three month old baby, I'm knackered and it would be so easy just to think "fuck it" and give in for an easy life.

I feel like a rubbish Mum

OP I agree that many people don't seem to understand what is normal. My 3yo dd has been getting a bit of a tummy recently so I've made a few changes and am trying to walk more and leave the car at home for nipping out. Everyone who I have mentioned this to has laughed and said I'm being silly/she's not fat etc, even DH. But I figure that nipping it in the bud before she does become really overweight is the best thing to do.

I agree with those saying you sound like a loving, responsible, sensible mum.

I guess that the temptations are always going to be out there, so you're teaching how to live healthily despite the unhealthy messages and options around her. Could you teach her about the costs/benefits of proteins, carbs, veggies, sugar, water etc? (I agree that talking to others about dental health is the pragmatic approach with unsupportive relatives btw).

It is difficult to be active in a frugal way when the weather's cold and wet and the days are short, but Spring is in sight. Are there any kid's active videos on YouTube?

You focus a lot on what she’s eating out of the home but surely the vast majority of her food is provided by you & DH? you are not going for play dates or round to relatives every day, if you eat healthy meals at home treats elsewhere won’t make that much difference. School meal portions are very small as well.

Make sure you are eating healthy meals at home and watch portion sizes. Outside, let her have what’s offered but limit the amount so she’s not constantly snacking. Only drink water.

Well done op, sounds like you’re trying really hard to get this under control and are going about it in exactly the right way. Young children’s diets are generally pretty disgraceful, with so many getting fed constantly through the day, with so many parents and carers terrified of the little darlings being hungry.

It sounds like you’re taking the right approach, I would speak to family members privately about not bringing out the treats all the time, they should be kept occasional- that’s what a ‘treat’ is! Be careful about speaking to other school parents, the last thing you want is for them to say to their child ‘x can’t have chocolate because her mum has put her on a diet’ and sadly some parents would do that.

Might a skipping rope be a good idea? She can skip just outdoors as an alternative to trampolining. I’d just watch portion sizes and bread

I don’t have any advice but yanbu
And I wish my Mother had done similar for me.

Just make the right choices when she is with you, at home etc, and the rest will even out. As long as you are not feeding her junk food every day it will all be in moderation. Remember to look at her intake over the course of the week not just one day at a time. Keep up the walking, dancing and swimming as they are all good. What about a hula hoop and skipping rope at home? They are both high intensity and cheap. Good for parents to do too!

Some children do have puppy fat, even though it is not recognised any more, and you will probably find that she will be tall and willowy by the time she is a teenager!

Both of mine seemed to put on weight just before a growth spurt so could be that too.

Ok I probably am being sensitive here but parents do not cause eating disorders (unless they are cruel to their children). I was very relaxed about my children's eating habits, they grew up with a balanced attitude, all types of food. Food is food. And guess what? My daughter has the most terrible eating disorder. Most modern research has found eating disorders to be genetic, mental illness. Similar to the cause of Autism or Schizophrenia. I've done my research!

OP, I would just continue to do what you are doing. I work with reception aged children. The children who do regular exercise out of school do tend to end up slim / normal further up the school. Walk where you can. Just keep yummy fruits and veg sticks and nuts and cheese on an accessible shelf in your fridge (grapes, melon, etc - find the favourite). Treats when at parties won't contribute to weight gain.

Can you talk to your friends and relatives in advance of a visit and explain what you're trying to achieve? Maybe they'll buy in healthier alternatives.

I remember having a birthday party for my DC and I had put out all the usual junk food, as well as a huge bowl of grapes. Guess what they all loved the most?

Maybe start to give her little pots of grapes, mango or melon as a treat when you go visiting or after school. She'll appreciate the sweetness.

You're doing the right thing by taking note of the extra weight now and trying to address it.

Don't talk about weight.

Do talk about healthy eating, sugar/teeth, healthy lifestyle.

IS there a local football club she could join? Lots of running there.

Cycling.

Dance videos at home to encourage more dancing in the house between dance classes.

Walks year round are doable. We did them even when the children were tiny, and still do them. National Trust or English Heritage properties are a great way to get them outside, even in not so great weather. And you used to be able to get family memberships with Tesco vouchers I believe; maybe look into that.

It's amazing the number of overweight children in our primary school ... and yet when you see them, they're always eating junk outside of school, and rarely go outside when the weather is bad and will openly tell you this. Setting them up for a life of sitting inside in this country,,... get them used to getting outside in all weathers when they're young.

@sickoftalkingaboutthis- I admit to a similar issue but different reason- relatively active 6 year old who is overweight. Poor diet half the week at dads house which I can't control. I despise the it's puppy fat, you're setting up an eating disorder. Children are becoming larger. When does it become acceptable to acknowledge? It's fine at 4, 5 & 6- but at 8 why didn't you do something earlier you neglectful parent? You can't win. My party strategy now, is 4 bits of fruit (grape, strawberry, whatever) before every junk food. It's decreased the amount t she's having, without it being as much of a 'thing' also no 'treat' anymore at all in lunch (when with me) and no 'treat' with dinners, because food should never be a treat. Juts preservere. Keep teaching about good choices, keep walking as much as possible.

Could she be due a growth spurt? I always notice my DS looks chubby just before he grows taller. He leans out then.
Healthy food is good, a diet is not good. You don’t have much control over food at parties, play dates etc so don’t obsess over that, just make good choices at home.
My DD loves chicken nuggets so I make them myself by dipping chicken in egg and breadcrumbs with seasoning. She’s happy and I don’t feel so bad about letting her have them. Also do your own chips, doesn’t take much longer than frozen ones.

You focus a lot on what she’s eating out of the home but surely the vast majority of her food is provided by you & DH?

Yes, I suppose I'm focusing on it because that's the part I can't control. For example, DD only drinks water at home. This was never an issue as she didn't know any different. Then she started school and they give them squash with lunch. So she starts asking for squash at home. I still don't buy squash but I do feel bad when she goes to friends houses and afterwards she's asking why they have squash at home and we don't.

We had a similar issue with one of my DC, we were advised by a dietitian to move to a high protein diet rather than low calorie one as it keeps them fuller for longer and so reduce the high sugar snacking. It might sound overwhelming but if your organised it's actually much easier. My dc now snack on either some cheese, a boiled egg, strips of ham or chicken, nuts and seeds or a low sugar yogurt usually with some carrot and cucumber and they don't feel like they're missing out. It's hard when others are offering sugary snacks, there's probably not much you can do about that but try and think of the long game rather than a quick fix, so you don't want her to loose weight quickly, you want her to have good eating habits which will serve her well as she grows so it sounds like a perfect balance that she's getting used to these sugary foods being an occasional treat (rather than cutting them out completely)

You're definitely doing the right thing tackling this now, too many people bury their heads in the sand with 'puppy fat' but it's much much harder to change eating habits when they're older. So keep going with it, you'll be glad you did

Op, I think you're being very sensible, as long as you're careful with what you say within her earshot.
Whatnow's post gives very good advice.

As a (mostly) recovered sufferer of eating disorders, I think you’re doing great. Just don’t mention fat, weight loss, etc

You can’t control what she has elsewhere, you can only control what you do at home and when you take her out to eat. If she eats healthily at home most of the time then I wouldn’t worry about occasional parties etc.
You’re totally right to avoid squash - my boys are younger but have only ever had milk and water and I’m keeping it that way as long as I can!

I really think you ought to focus more on exercise as it doesn’t sound like your child is doing anywhere near a healthy level of activity per day.

I agree it’s tough OP. I have a 5 year old who is very small and slim, she’s 25th centile for height and 9th for weight. I also have a 3.5 year old who eats almost exactly the same as her (slightly less actually), does an equal amount of exercise and according to the NHS calculator is overweight. She had 2 birthday parties yesterday with cake/biscuits/pizza/haribo at both. All the toddler groups we go to give biscuits and juice. Grandparents give her ‘treats’ all the time. It’s hard being the one who always has to say no to these things at home because they get given so much when out and about!
I think it’s absolutely right that you’re recognising and addressing it now. It will be ten times more difficult to reverse it in 10 5 years time when she has her own pocket money etc.
Mine walks for an hour a day minimum, does swimming, dance and gymnastics classes and never sits down yet it’s still a struggle. She was 99th centile at birth and has been bigger than her peers ever since.

Hi OP ignore those who send shitty responses on here. Not worth wasting your time on. You sound like a great mum and are right to show concern. It is better to address this now. Obviously you don't have to tell her she is overweight but just engage her in lots of fun activities and ensure she eats healthy meals and doesn't drink sugary drinks. Your local health centre will be able to give advice

You sound a fantastic mum.
And focus on it being about healthy choices and good teeth...
My dd was pudgy at that age and by 8 had back rolls.
I did what you have done and looked at portions... Halved them...she was eating same as her father!!!! Lots of activities when she said she wanted snack I changed her focus by offering to do something else.. Read with her, colouring, play barbies etc... It was hard work but over few weeks it stuck and she got used to eating smaller portions and learnt bored does not mean hungry.
Your dd is still little to be working out what is real hunger and what is emotional eating but you can talk about healthy choices and balance... For example if it's a party day saying how lovely party food is and it's OK to enjoy it... But shall we have lovely veggie soup for lunch as our healthy choice and then it's OK to have party food later...

I also stopped snacks altogether.
Except carrot sticks.
And I stopped orange juice... My dd drank two large glasses a day.. I was horrified to see it came to 500 odd calories

Op what does her daily meals consist of ? Can you provide maybe an average days meals. Even if she has birthday parties for the next few weeks, it's just a few days of an entire month.

A skipping rope is a great idea. Have just ordered one off Amazon.

Yes, we could walk more than 30 minutes a day to be honest. That's my fault for being a bit lazy- the baby doesn't sleep and when you're only getting three hours sleep a night, pushing a pushchair out in the cold and wet for more than half an hour seems really unappealing but I know I need to make more of an effort.

We tried football and she hated it, so we switched to Dance which she loves. She does Dance at home but obviously not the same as going to a class. She also loves Cosmic Kids Yoga but that's very low intensity.

People come in different shapes and sizes; always have, always will. I am sturdy with big breast and hips and heavy legs. I can be slimmer or fatter but that is my body shape. My DD seems to have taken after DH and is tall and skinny, despite eating like a typical kid her age, and no differently than her shorter, or podgier friends. We have this idea in our culture that people come in a standard size and all difference between them is down to some people are greedy pigs who should take more exercise and then they, too, would be skinny.
It doesn't operate like that in any other body variability; if I stretched harder I could be tall like her, or if I looked at things differently my eyes would be brown.

If your DD has a slender frame, narrow ankles and wrists, but a layer of fat, that's one thing. If she is sturdily built, that is another thing altogether, and if she's anything like most of us non - ectomorph women she'll feel badly enough about her physique when she realised she'll never be a 5 ft 10 size 10 person.

I’m glad I’m not in the UK for school dinners, they sound god awful.

You’re doing a great job just don’t give up on her. In my class at that age some of us were chubby and those with parents who persisted lost it and went on to happy healthy lives. Growing up fat is no joke and you are so right, people are desensitized to what’s normal now.

My DD was a chunky toddler despite us doing everything “right”, now she plays sport three times a week and we walk the dog for an hour every day, she’s a normal weight but I think she would have the potential to become overweight quite easily so will keep a silent eye.

I hate the culture you speak of, junk thrown at kids for play dates etc. There’s no need for it at all. One mum I know will continuously call the children in from running and playing to offer them chocolate, crisps and cake?!

Agree 100% with WhatNow40

Ignore some of the PP who are going on weight issues when she's older. It is about building healthy habits. You are clearly a good mom, it's much harder to tackle when she's older without causing issues. Try to keep her active, and maybe involved in team sports?

I didn't allow my DD any sugary or salty foods until she was 4 (tbh looking back I don't know how I managed it!)- so I didn't add salt to food and she was only allowed fruit in terms of sugar. I had a lot of eye-rolling from family and friends, you do have to take a strong stanch that you don't want her eating x,y or z. Although for me it was never to do with weight, I didn't want her having a sweet tooth, and everyone over time did accept it, so would never offer her biscuits or chocs but fruit instead. But I did have to be clear at the beginning.

Do you eat the healthy snacks with her? Or does she help you prepare healthy dinners? So you can talk about carrots being good for your eyes for example? Could you grow food together? I wouldn't mention weight to family, I would say you are either working on being healthy or stopping sugar as a family.

I don't restrict what DD eats, as shes now 14. She does eat sweets, but nowhere near as much as her peers, she finds fizzy drinks too sweet so won't touch them. She also doesn't eat junk food very often as she finds it too salty. I don't have to restrict her food intake as healthy habits do that for me. She's also involved in a few sports which she started when she was around your DD's age.