To think I'm fighting a losing battle with DD's weight?

[sickoftalkingaboutthis]

DD (5yo) is overweight. Not massively so, you wouldn't look at her and think "that's a fat child" but she is definitely carrying some extra fat around her middle and I have noticed her face looking a bit chubbier over the past few months.

Please don't flame me. I am trying very hard to address this now because I know that children who are even slightly overweight in primary often continue to struggle with their weight as they get older. I've downloaded the Food Scanner app and have become really aware of 'hidden sugars' etc, have been following NHS advice about portion sizes and snacks, cooking from scratch wherever possible etc. We walk to and from school every day, she does a weekly dance class and we take her swimming or on a long walk/bike ride every weekend. It's much easier to keep her active in the spring/summer as she's straight out in the garden on the trampoline every day after school when the weather is nice.

I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle because junk food seems to be everywhere.

DD is invited to a birthday party every weekend for the next four weeks, which is lovely, but of course means cake, sweets, pizza, crisps etc. Whenever we go on 'play dates' after-school her friends Mum's bring out sugary snacks and drinks and I don't feel able to say no because I don't want them to think I'm judging their dietary choices. It also seems cruel to DD to expect her to sit there while her friend eats something she's not allowed.

Every time we go round to a relatives house they offer DD biscuits or chocolate and it's really hard to decline without offending people. I also don't want to make an issue out of food in front of DD. I have mentioned to a couple of family members (when DD is out of the room) that we're trying to limit treats because we're a bit worried about her weight and they just look at me like I'm crazy and tell me "she's fine".

School dinners don't help- always things like pizza, potato wedges, burgers and chips and always followed by cake, ice-cream or something with custard. I would prefer her to have a packed lunch but she doesn't want to be 'different' or to sit away from her friends. The few kids who have packed lunches eat in a separate room.

Having realised that some of the cereals we were offering for breakfast that we thought were reasonably healthy contain a lot of hidden sugar, we've been giving her Weetabix/porridge sweetened with berries instead. DH is on board with cooking healthy meals, exercise etc but he has a fondness for sugary cereals himself and keeps eating them in front of DD. I've asked him to stop and he just says "I'm not going to eat in secret, that's ridiculous". I get his point but does he think I never fancy a chocolate Hob Nob when I'm enthusiastically cutting up veggie sticks for an after-school snack?? Of course I do, but I'm not going to eat one in front of her and expect her to be happy with a carrot!

Every day when I pick DD up from school I see children who are skinny as rakes being handed bars of chocolate, Haribo and bags of crisps as soon as they come out the door and I wonder where I'm going wrong. I'm trying so hard to make sure she has a healthy diet but she's still chubby and it all seems such a slog. I have a three month old baby, I'm knackered and it would be so easy just to think "fuck it" and give in for an easy life.

I feel like a rubbish Mum

Another one saying ignore the horrible comments. I had this with my daughter at a similar age. She also has an older sister who was, and still is, skinny and ate like a horse, which made it doubly difficult. There is a limit to what you can do I think. Plus my daughter in the end grew like a bean when she was 11/12 and now I worry about her keeping weight on. I focussed on forming good habits - only water to drink and no snacks. We are a world gone mad on snacks and seemingly children can't go for more than half an hour without a snack!? My daughter didn't need them and I just phased them out altogether. She now eats three good meals a day and exercises moderately and is fine. You have a lot on with a baby as well - be kind to yourself and be reassured that you are doing all the right things. Healthy habits won't give her an eating disorder!

I’d see what the weigh in comes back with and in the meantime incorporate more exercise in to her day.

Children's weight often increases before a growth spurt so you sound like you're over worrying a bit unless this is a long term trend. I think you need to make your aim health rather than focusing exclusively on weight. (It isn't healthy for a skinny child to eat loads of junk food either!). Definitely don't mention weight to her (but of course it's fine to mention health and talk about what is and isn't healthy in terms of portion sizes and balanced diets). You don't have to do paid lessons to do exercise. Football in the park, dancing in the living room. Obviously the focus should be fun and not a chore so whatever you all enjoy doing.

It sounds like you're doing your best Not easy, I know.

Maybe start to give her little pots of grapes, mango or melon as a treat when you go visiting or after school. She'll appreciate the sweetness

But the OP is trying to reduce the amount of sugar her daughter's eating, isn't she? She doesn't want to feed her sugary food or encourage a sweet tooth. The 'tropical' fruits are much higher in sugar than northern European fruits. The odd apple or small portion of berries would be ok.

I still don't buy squash but I do feel bad when she goes to friends houses and afterwards she's asking why they have squash at home and we don't.

Just tell her water is better for her teeth. Tell her water is the easiest and best thing to drink when she’s thirsty. Tell her every family does things differently.

Portion sizes. It is always lortion sizes. Get one of those plates that help you see it. Children should boy have the same Portion of food as adults. And adults should be having different portion sizes too.

Dont buy the fruit juice. Dont even have the conversation.

She can eat what she wants at parties. Dont have her thinking about it either. You dont want food to become a treat / reward.

Are you a healthy weight? Is your dh?

You might find that getting a good daily dose of fresh air helps your baby to sleep better at night.

OP you are are doing brilliantly in laying down healthy eating habits that she will take forward into adulthood. A lot of people have lost sight of what is normal, healthy children are referred to as "skinny" and slightly overweight is the new normal.

You've had great advice so far, only suggestion I have on top of that is for indoor exercise when it's rainy - YouTube have things like yoga for kids. It's good to help them switch off thier mind as well as use thier body. Maybe there would also be dance lessons on YouTube? You could try to look for one of those Skip It balls - all the rage for when I was a kid. They have a counter on so it could become a little challenge, make up a chart and do a family tournament. With just a little space you can use it indoors.

Best of luck OP, keep up the good work 😁

OP, I think you are very wise to try and address this now. People who say, 'Oh, there isn't a problem,' may mean well, but they are not you or your DD's friends. I love the way you are trying to do something without letting the concept of diet and weight into the conversation. Your family has to come on board. It doesn't matter if they don't think there is a problem, you believe there is, you are well-qualified to recognise it, and you make the decisions. Family healthy eating sets good examples. I think you need to get your partner to understand that he needs to set an example, and not make unhealthy choices look adult or like treats. It's better for him to have Weetabix or porridge anyway. Exercise can be tricky when they can't get out. Swimming is good, though you have to take them and it does use up time. My gd goes to a circus skills class on Saturdays, but they have to be 7 before they can start that. Have you thought of a climbing wall? These are great exercise. It sounds as though you have all the right things in place. best of luck. Don't let others undermine you.

I think you're doing everything you can and you're definitely not fighting a losing battle.

Inevitably there will be temptations in life, parties to go to, times when you fancy a biscuit. But if overall you are giving her a healthy diet and doing a variety of exercise with her, they will outweigh the bad things she eats on occasion.

The worst thing you could do is think, fuck it, and give her a poor diet 7 days a week. At least this way, she is used to eating a healthy, wholesome diet and when she has those treats elsewhere, she'll appreciate them, rather than sweets after school being a given expectation.

I find it concerning that you're getting so worried but haven't actually weighed her. Your anxiety might be giving you a distorted view; just stand the kid on the scales, tell her it's great and move on. You can check her weight on the chart later.

Healthy eating and weight are not necessarily the same thing. Encourage her to eat proper food before biscuits or chocolate and she'll naturally eat less sugary crap. Give her nice filling snacks like fresh fruit in yoghurt, nuts, a bean wrap etc and she'll ask for less. Talk to her about sugar as that's important anyway; my mum put one of our baby teeth in coca cola so we could see it rot over a few days, neither of us will touch coca cola still. (The younger one was shown with lemonade and she won't touch lemonade.)

What about those mini trampolines with a bar to hold onto you could use in the house ...

Have you tried geocaching or games like Pokémon go to get her interested and motivated to get out and walk around more?

Some children are just made up differently - I eat a ton of sweets and have a sugar addiction, I have never put on weight. Your daughter is only 5. I agree healthier snacks are a great idea. Our school have a no junk food policy so she never really gets snacks. Can you choose another lunch option at school? And I would be firm with the no chocolate biscuits everytime you go to a play date, visit family etc etc. Try not to worry OP. You’re doing a great job by trying to change this.

@Clankboing

I do think sometimes parents can be one factor in a susceptible child developing an eating disorder. I know my (very well meaning) parents were inadvertently a trigger to my eating disorder as a teenager. They didn't do anything awful but both started worrying and talking a lot about weight and this was definitely a catalyst for me. In your case it 100% sounds like this isn't the case, your child developed an eating disorder through absolutely no fault of your own.

I don't think encouraging healthy eating from a positive view point will trigger an eating disorder. A focus on weight and a negative attitude towards food and parental anxiety about food and weight (e.g. these are "bad/scary foods" as opposed to these foods can be just eaten sometimes) can trigger food issues in some (not all) kids.

Good for you in addressing this now!and FWIW I don't think you're fighting a losing battle

Did you check her bmi centile on the NHS website? I really believe some children just carry fat differently - my DD1 was 50th centile and Dd2 was about 55th centile for bmi, but looked soooooo much heavier and I kept thinking she was overweight.
We've now moved abroad to somewhere where all food has to be cooked from scratch and my DD1 has dropped to 25centile bmi (she had a growth spurt) and my DD2 is looking much much slimmer, even though they are doing less exercise, so home cooking (even though they eat plenty of homemade biscuits) can make a huge difference.

And don't feel bad that you dont provide things like squash and junk food at home. Of course she'll notice and if course she'll ask but just tell her that too much sugar isnt good for people's health. Giving her a healthy diet isnt a punishment.

I used to make sure mine ate before a party if I thought the food was going to be all biscuits/sweets/crisps.

Balanced diet at home without the crap sugary stuff (bin the cereal and dh can get on board too). School dinners sound rubbish but not much you can do about that. She needs much more exercise - what Sports does she do at school? Really active children are rarely overweight.

Take a step back from that fear that you are failing her and that others will judge you.

Make a pledge to yourself that you won’t view her through a critical lens because of how she looks, ever.

Serve healthy home cooked food with filling snacks but insist on gaps in between. Allow treats. Don’t associate treats with guilt or naughtiness, but be frank that ‘we can’t just eat sugar all the time its unhealthy for us - once a day is enough’.

Model and teach portion control - at cafes, share a cookie or a cake, or have a sweet drink or a snack, not both. Teach her its polite and healthy to take one of any sweets or treats offered, and then stop. Scrap puddings as an everyday thing. Make physical exercise for 30 minutes an aim as well as your five a day. Most importantly, model a healthy body image yourself, and live the ethos that women and girls come in different body shapes and none is shameful, they are not there to ornament, they are there to do. And teach her not to diet, because it leads to weight gain.

My dd is 10 and overweight. She wasn’t until I got really ill and put on a lot of weight between the ages of 3 and 5 when quite a lot of the time she was literally helping herself to food as it was often a struggle to make food to feed her. Coupled with this she would only eat a very narrow number of foods and it was really tough as I couldn’t often make spaghetti bolognese so was cooking either eggs or nuggets. (Only 3 meals she would eat).

She is very sporty and does lots of after school activities. I did almost get her weight almost under control. Then got really ill again. I agree with a lot of the points about reducing the sugar and in times of relative wellness, that’s what I’ve done.

If I could walk dd to school, I would and children of disabled parents are more likely to be overweight. I am hoping that dd will shoot up soon as I did. She takes after dh in the build department and he was overweight as a child. Not so as an adult. I was within normal weight range but never skinny and by the time I was 16 my mother was concerned about anorexia. I do hope my dd shoots up and loses the weight.

Dd loves chicken but won’t snack on it. I’m trying to do more fruit but that requires energy to chop it etc and dd is scared of knives atm. This is the sort of thing I can’t teach her being constantly laid up.

Best of luck with your dd. I’m recovering from another operation but when I’ve recovered a bit i hope to have a little more energy. Thank you for posting this thread. It does inspire others.

There has been lots of good advice already.

I think you should also speak to the school. Head, and then governors if necessary. I'm very surprised to hear there is squash to drink. No way does that fit in with guidelines. Ditto pain au chocolate at breakfast club. And segregating packed lunches is also odd - I know plenty of schools do it but you can make the case against it. I'd be pushing them to review their meal policies - see if other parents will back you on this. Get all the statutory guidelines from the government websites and go informed.

It sounds like you're doing the right things. I wouldn't worry about the party food, she has four parties coming up, she won't have one a week. I'd say the main thing is that your little girl doesn't realise that you are monitoring her weight/food intake. As for the cereals, if they are Daddy's cereal, she will get used to the fact that Daddy has food and drink (beer?) that she doesn't have.

My children were all thin, but trying to remember what I did. Sweets were a very occasional treat, because I couldn't afford them. I didn't buy crisps. They did have cornflakes and Weetabix and they had individual boxes of sugary cereal on Christmas day. I never worried about party food or play date food. I cooked from scratch because it was cheaper. We rarely had puddings. I did bake cakes fairly often, but rarely bought cakes or biscuits. They all had school dinners. You sound like a lovely sensible mum. Try not to worry, I think you're doing the right things already.

Oh is it you again? The woman who starts a thread every 6 months about her child being overweight 🤦🏻‍♀️