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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want her back in my home?

188 replies

Bowrito · 09/02/2019 05:42

This is long winded but I don’t want to drip feed.
We have Carers that come each morning, 6 days a week to help me get my son ready for school. He is non mobile, non verbal but the loveliest boy who unfortunately needs quite a lot of care. The Carers are a small team of 3 that are rostered by an agency and only one a day is needed as I do most of the care myself.

This week my DS was sick and out of school so I cancelled his Carers from Monday-Thursday. He was sleeping in and I didn’t want to wake him at 7 if he was unwell. By Thursday he was better.

Thursday evening I had 2 missed calls from a number I didn’t know which I didn’t answer. Then a message from one of his Carers asking if she was needed on Friday. I replied straight away saying he was much better and would probably be going to school but that I couldn’t 100% say until the morning, that she could leave coming in and I would email the agency. If I do the canceling the Carers are still paid for their time.

On Friday morning this lady arrived at 7.30 when I was dressing my son in the living room and I smiled and said I hadn’t expected her as I’d replied she didn’t need to come in. She had such a bad attitude saying I had told her to come in, I asked her to read her texts again. When she did she said she had misunderstood and in future to be clearer. She asked if my DS was going to school, signed her agency attendance book and left! I read her note and it said ‘mother asked me to leave’ I did not. Throughout the brief conversation I was smiling as my son was there and I was in great form as he was better.

But now I’m pissed off, AIBU to be?

I don’t want someone in my home with an attitude.
If you’re rostered to do a job, come in and do it - don’t be texting me hoping for a morning off.
She should have gone through the agency to ask for the morning off and not me directly.
She was also 30 minutes late if she had thought she was due in.
She saw me struggling to dress my DS but didn’t help just walked out in a huff.
But I’m mostly annoyed that she didn’t interact with my DS. He doesn’t know she’s a carer he thinks she’s his friend. She said hi to him but that was all she was too busy arguing with me.

Do I give her another chance or has a line been crossed now and she will always be rude to me?

OP posts:
Millenniem · 09/02/2019 05:56

I think there was a misunderstanding but I wouldn't make a compliant about her to the agency. I would give her another chance

Is she often late? The situation does sound strange as why did she even come around? Was she second guessing the text and decided she had better go just in case she misunderstood and you needed her? Is English her first language?

Perhaps ask the agency for some clarification about cancellation procedures

Phillipa12 · 09/02/2019 06:00

She might have been having an off day, carers are given a large workload with not enough time to get between jobs. I am a carer and also a mum of 3 young dc and am afraid if what you say happened i wouldnt want her back, firstly its not very proffesional, secondly as you say your son sees her as a friend, shes also involved with personal care so to virtually ignore him is not on. Misunderstanding of a text message is not your fault and writing incorrectly in his log is wrong.

cnamechanger · 09/02/2019 06:06

I wouldn't want to leave her with my son, no. She can't control her own temper. Not a good sign.

CanuckBC · 09/02/2019 06:11

The fact she wrote you asked her to leave when you didn’t would be the end of it. I would write that you didn’t ask her to leave. Factually write with no emotion what happened ie she huffed off - no, she walked out in a hurrying let the agency know you want someone different.

Your son needs consistency and caring, not anger and frustration. If she was angry and frustrated she could have spoken to you away from him. She should have also assisted you since she was there!!!

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 09/02/2019 06:20

She didn't text you looking for the morning off, she phoned you and you chose to ignore her she then texted you time We if she was needed, you replied and without seeing that reply we can't comment on its ambiguity.
She was late, but if that is a one off it is forgivable
I can see why she put you asked her to leave, she could easily interprete you telling you'd said not to come in and getting her to reread texts as leave, although I'd have asked if you needed a hand as I was already there
If things are normally ok between you them if give her a second chance.
I

user1493413286 · 09/02/2019 06:34

If she’s always been good in the past I would try talking to her about it but if her attitude is the same don’t have her back

FlagFish · 09/02/2019 06:35

I think the wording of your message was confusing. “She should leave coming in” doesn’t really make sense to me? She tried to call you twice and you didn’t answer. And you saying you hadn’t expected her isn’t far off from ‘mother asked me to leave’. It’s all very well to say she just wanted a morning off, but no one likes to come into work and then be told they could have stayed at home!

Sorry OP, I think it was a misunderstanding and you are overreacting.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 09/02/2019 06:35

I think ywabu unreasonable saying you wouldn’t know till the morning.
Surely she would have to know the night before, if she needed to be there are 7am. ( the lateness is a seperate issue)

You didn’t respond to 2 of her phonecalls. She came because you were unclear. So erred on the side of caution so you would have help.
I think what she wrote in the book is splitting hairs. If she wanted to be precise, she could have said “ left early because mother did not need me”.

AuntieCJ · 09/02/2019 06:35

This could have been avoided if you hadn't ignored her call. Very rude of you. Don't complain, you created the mess, no wonder she's annoyed.

Gingerkittykat · 09/02/2019 06:43

Why do you assume she was texting you asking for a morning off? It sounds like she needed clarification, which is entirely reasonable.

Is she an otherwise good carer? If so, then a discussion with the care agency should be enough to fix things.

If you have had other problems with her then probably time to ask for a new carer.

explodingkitten · 09/02/2019 06:56

Why do people think it's rude to ignore a phone call from an unidentified number Confused?

IWantMyHatBack · 09/02/2019 07:02

"but that I couldn’t 100% say until the morning, that she could leave coming in and I would email the agency"

What does 'leave coming in' mean?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2019 07:02

I think it was a misunderstanding. She wrote “mother asked me to leave” and probably meant as quoted by CurlyWurly said “left early because mother didn’t need me”.

I think you were both frustrated. You said yourself you were struggling with your ds so probably came across as abrupt and she will have been frustrated for turning up to be told that you didn’t need her.

Tbh I think you’re over reacting. She didn’t interact with your ds probably because she was confused and you were giving her the impression you wanted her not to be there. Why would she interact with him? Why would she come and help you? It sounds as though you weren’t inviting her into your home.

I also think you’re judging her by standards of the average mumsnetter, who in the main have high Iq’s, emotional intelligence and education, which is a little unfair as she may not have those privileges.

lboogy · 09/02/2019 07:05

Hmm. I think this is just a misunderstanding. She made the effort to ring you twice. You replied by text which is very easy to misunderstand- clearly she misunderstood. She may have cancelled some other paid work to come to your house and or lost money travelling to come do what she believed was her job for the day. I can totally see why she's miffed.

Carerers as you know don't get paid very well so making a complaint isn't very nice when you can clearly see this has been a misunderstanding. Mum told me to leave is hardly enough for you to complain about

And expecting her to help you when you've in her mind 'wasted her time ' is a bit much

So sorry yabu

7yo7yo · 09/02/2019 07:08

I have high standards when it comes to anyone who has contact with my kids.
It would have took her a few seconds to engage with your son.
If you have her back watch her carefully. I wouldn’t have her back.

OrgyofSausages · 09/02/2019 07:12

Why didn't you answer the phone? I think you are the one with an attitude tbh. Carers are paid a pittance as it is. You were quite happy to deliberately be vague about whether or not you wanted a carer to to come. If you had answered the phone calls none of this would have happened. The carer made every effort to contact you.

LL83 · 09/02/2019 07:13

I thought you didn't want her to come/wanted her to leave too.

FannyFifer · 09/02/2019 07:13

Total misunderstanding. I doubt your son is the only person the lady goes to, she would have to plan her rota etching needed to know for definite what she was doing.
She prob popped in just in case you needed help which you didn't so she left.

OrgyofSausages · 09/02/2019 07:13

And if she was 'hoping for a morning off' she wouldn't have turned up, would she ? Hmm. I bet you treat them like crap when they are there.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 07:15

I also think you're being unreasonable here, because your text is not clear, there is no difintive come in or don't come in. She tried to call you twice, then she texted, you gave her an unclear answer. She clearly wasn't looking for thr morning off, she was seeking clarification.

Yes she should have behaved better when she was there, I think, but your lack of clarity was the root cause here.

ittakes2 · 09/02/2019 07:16

Honestly, when you wrote "that she could leave coming in and I would email the agency' - I had to read it three times to work out what you meant. Its a positive negative and a very unusual way to say "you don't need to come in'. If you think about it - if the person reading it misses the word 'leave' out...it becomes "that she could coming in and I would email the agency'.
I would also not take offence to her writing the mum asked me to leave in the book - its a short way of explaining that she did not leave without permission. I personally would have written the mum said I was not needed...but I know not everyone thinks in the same detail as me.
The bigger issue is what you perceive as her attitude - but again for me if you said to me you made a mistake read my text - that's very confrontational - I would only say that to someone I know really well who I knew would not take offence to me pointing out they have been stupid at doing something because I clearly gave them instructions which they ignored. I would have said I'm sorry we seem to have a misunderstanding.
But that said - getting on and trusting someone is key in any caring role. If it was me, I would wait until she comes next time - when she gets there say I am sorry for our last misunderstanding and see how she reacts. If you still don't feel comfortable with her attitude then she needs to go - it doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong its what you feel comfortable with at the end of the day - you have her in your house and with your son - what you think and feel is the most important issue.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 09/02/2019 07:17

I don’t think your text was clear enough.

anniehm · 09/02/2019 07:21

I think there was a misunderstanding and the comment that you didn't know until the morning wasn't right - you need to decide the day before for rota purposes (then send them away if not needed). I reread what you wrote twice and it's quite ambiguous, give her another chance.

curiousierandcouriser · 09/02/2019 07:30

I also agree that you were too vague about whether she was supposed to come. It sounds like you didnt want her there so she left. I dont see the problem tbh - YABU

Funkyslippers · 09/02/2019 07:43

I'm not sure I'm understanding this - you told her he was much better and would probably be going to school, so the chances are you would need her. Why did you give her the impression you probably wouldn't need her?

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